My Lover Is Now My Friend...But I'm Still In Love
Well, here's my first post and it'll be a bit of a long one, so anybody who takes the time to read it and respond, I appreciate very much!
The first thing you need to know in this story is that Carly and I met in high school and quickly became very close to each other. We started dating and have been together 5 1/2 years at this point. Over those years we've experienced many things together - ups and downs that are typical of any long lasting relationship. But we also grew so close that many people (including us) thought nothing could ever break us up. I've actually been told twice during this dilemma by two different friends that she and I can't break up, because we give other couples inspiration and hope that two people can really stay together for the long haul. Granted, this is coming from people close to my age (24) and so neither of them are married or have had a relationship longer than a few years, but still it was encouraging to hear.
But one of the problems stemming from the fact that we rarely ever fought was that when something did become a problem, it started as a tiny, unnoticed problem and grew into something that did end up causing us to take a break from each other - the fact that we spent every single day together, and just got into such a routine that it became monotonous. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was smothering her by expecting her to come hang out at my place almost every day and even giving her the guilt trip if she didn't want to. It was stupid of me, I can see that now, but at the time I had no idea I was doing it. That, coupled with the fact that she feels stuck in a dead end job, and still lives at home with her parents (she's 21) and can't see that changing anytime soon, made her feel like she was "stuck" in this spot in her life.
I initiated a discussion one day in November to try and figure out what was wrong with us, and this discussion ended with us agreeing to take a break for awhile. It was not a "break up" at this point, but we were going to take some time apart from each other with the intent of eventually getting back together. She said to me, "I still love you, but if we keep going on this way I'm going to go crazy."
Then a very long time went by (about six weeks) where we didn't talk at all about our relationship. We agreed from the beginning that no matter what happened we would always be friends, and that has remained true up to this point, and I can't see it changing in the near future. But of course I was getting pretty frustrated with the fact that she knew I was waiting for her and wanted to be with her, but I wasn't getting ANY info from her on how she felt.
Finally about six weeks in to this thing, we sat down and talked. I told her a few of the things I've been working on about myself during this time, and a few things I would do differently if/when we got back together. I know it sounds cliche to say "But baby, I can change..." but I truly do intend to change, and have already made significant progress with my personal improvement during this time. I told her that I still felt very strongly that we could be together and make it work...be a couple and yet still retain the newfound independence that we needed from each other. She has a difficult time talking about heavy emotional subjects sometimes, so I really didn't get much out of her that night.
But two nights later we talked over AIM (she initiated this talk) and she ended up telling me quite a lot. She said that she agreed with the things I had said about there being a chance for us, and told me that she still loved me, but didn't feel like she was in a place emotionally right now to be in a serious relationship with anybody. But she said, "I don't want this to be the end of us," and "Please understand that I do still love you."
Here's where it gets tricky.
During our separation, she developed feelings for another guy. Now, she was the first one to admit the possibility that these feelings may have only come about because she needed somebody besides me to talk to about all of this, and he was there to listen. But the fact is that at this point, these two have developed a pretty close relationship and she has not denied thinking of pursuing it further.
The fact that she is being open and honest about all this encourages me. It's good to see that she is not hiding it or lying about it. And I trust her more than I trust any other human being on this planet, so when she tells me she still loves me, and I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice, I believe it. But, he's my competition now.
At first I didn't worry too much about it, because this guy is somebody who lives a SIX HOUR drive from us. Not only that, but they've never actually met in person (we met this guy on an online gaming network), he has kids (she's not so fond of kids), lives with his ex-girlfriend (who is also the mother of his kids), and it's obviously a rebound relationship, which doesn't tend to work out.
Now I'm not so sure. She is planning on taking a weekend trip to go and meet him. We talked about this, and I don't get the impression she's driving down there for a booty call, because she seems to be genuinely unsure if that's what she wants or not. Also, she's getting her own hotel room (I'm not naive, I know this doesn't mean there won't be sex involved). Originally she was going to fly because her car isn't too reliable for a trip that long, but we both agreed that it was better if she had her own vehicle to use while there so she wouldn't be totally reliant on him to get around, so I am letting her borrow my car. I told her that I think this is a trip she needs to go on, because regardless of what happens between them, it will help her figure out how she feels about them, about us, and about herself.
So now that I've shown her the support, I don't know what my next move is. I know that being so understanding and supportive of her feelings during this situation - even though it makes me uncomfortable - reflects well upon me. And I truly believe her when she says she doesn't know what she wants. I know that I still have a chance to get her back. But my question to all of you is, what do you think I should do to make myself the most appealing option? What should or shouldn't I do to preserve not only my chances of being with her again, but also the quality of our amazing friendship in the event that we don't get back together?
Thanks in advance for any advice, and sorry for the long post. I guess it was kind of a long story, since I left out quite a bit of detail and it still ended up this long!
