Relationship changed - don't know how to behave

This will be a long one, fellows...

Well, let's go: i'm currently feeling a lot of anxiety on my relationship. It's painful, and i don't know how to deal with it. My humor even changes from very happy to feeling almost sick in minutes, and i know this is everything but healthy to me or even the relation. This is my situation:

i met this girl. We know each other for sometime now, but it took us a while until we engaged in this relationship. True is, in the first months it was more "friends with benefits" then a true relationship. At the time we lived some up's and down's, until one day, mid summer this year, she took the step forward and ask me to get things straight: or either we were a couple or not. I truly like this girl, and despite my "fear" of falling in love, i let myself go with the relationship, and made myself clear that i was there for her, and i like her. After that we started a new chapter in our lives, learning more and more about each other, sharing our days, thoughts, the usual. But then, a personality change strikes in.

What happened? Well, she is studying to be a landscape arquitect, and for the last 4 weeks or so she is drowned in works, books, plants, all kinds of stuff that she needs to sort out for classes. She is working every day and every night until 5 or 6am, goes home, sleep for a couple of hours and then returns to the university and continues her journey. And that's ok i understand that. It's her future, she needs to be fully commited with it. But what's been kiling me inside is that she barely talks to me anymore. I've once talked to her about my feelings, i tell her that i was having some troubles discovering how should i behave with her at this time, because she never calls me, almost doesn't text me, she even doesn't seem to try and find any opotunity to share a coffee with me even, despite her college is literally 5min away from my home and my work. She told me that nothing has changed, and promise me to try to give me a little more atention, but... nothing happened. In the first days she did text me a bit more, and even apologise sometimes for letting me without news for long hours, but now she even doesn't do that at all.

And this is killing me inside. I text her, not to much because i want her to keep focused on the work, but half of the time i'm left with no answer. Sometimes i text her, and she reads the message (damn Whatsaap and those tickers that let us know that) but doesn't answer me, sometimes until next morning. In the next day i might get a "good morning kiss", but no reference to my message from the day before. It's like she doesn't care. On the other hand, we never speak on the phone too much, but when we do, it really seems that everything is normal. Two nights ago we talked for hour and half, mostly her talking about her projects, how one of her teachers makes her unconfortable, and how insecure she felts, with fear of not being sucessful. I played the good part of me, kept telling her she is great, she will get amazing grades (she really does!), and at the end i tell her i like her, and she replied back. I slept like a baby that night.

I'm insecure about my relationships. That's why in the past i was always trying to not fall in love (remember my fear i told you in the begining?). I know for a fact that this girl was never keen to reveal her feelings. She is more on the quiet side on this, but i got an ocasional "i like you" or "i miss you" in the past months. Now i got nothing. When i'm calm, my mind tells me that this is normal, she likes me but she is really focused on her academics now and i must accept that. But when the anxiety kicks in i start losing control, altought i'm trying to avoid not to do or say anything stupid that could ruin a good realtionship underneath, because deep down i'm unsure if there is actually something wrong going on or is it just me not controling my emotions well enough, letting the fear and doubt take the lead.

Any comments, opinions, or just small talk on the subject will be very much apreciated :)

Thanks for reading my ridiculous long post, you guys are great.
And sorry for some typos, English is not my main language!

Cheers

She's too busy to nurture your insecurities so I suggest that you instead, learn to self-sooth and you can help yourself to do that by having a full and happy life without her. Keep busy with hobbies, friends, at the gym, work and even taking some special interest courses that will introduce you to knew interests that will fulfil your alone time.

Don't be so quick to send meaningless texts that you expect a reply to. Let her initiate the next text. See how long it takes her to realize that you've stopped chasing and if she comes around to see where you got to.

When someone is running away from you, the worse thing you can do is chase them. That only makes them run faster. Let her do a bit of chasing and if she doesn't, well then maybe its best you know that now so that you can dial back your emotions and buff up your confidence enough to leave her so you can find someone who DOES have time to nurture a healthy, reciprocal relationship with you.

Keep busy and good luck.

Thanks for your time and words, Wakeup. I'm trying to behave more or less like you suggested, and true is, if i don't text her, soon or later she text me. Wishing a "good day", or asking how my day is going. Maybe i didn't express myself well on my initial post, we do talk everyday. Can be just 2 or 3 messages, but we do talk, despite the lack of sweetness i feel from her side on the last 3 weeks or so. Maybe it's all in my head, i know that i like to be nurtured (don't we all?), and maybe sometimes i find myself wishing this - or any other relationship of mine - to be more of what's suposed to be. Not trying to find escuses here, but i live on my own for 10 years now, my parents got divorced when i was 13... maybe that all adds up to my insecure ego, i don't know.

And regarding this girl, i know that feelings change, but i've felt her being very fond of me not long ago. I just don't quite understand if this behavior of her is normal because of her workload now or not. We'll see. She's suposed to call me today when she's get a minute. We've texted each other a couple of times, but no call yet.

And now, reading this post i know how messed up my head is... i've completely drifted away from what was your point, Wakeup! :( Sory for that. But i took your answer seriously, and i'm trying really hard not to have any alone time this days, it really helps keep things tight(ish).

Small update: i'm going for some pills. See if that helps.

I couldn't agree with Wakeup more if the words had come from my own mouth.... or.... I guess my fingers, in this case. :-P

God, I SO understand how you feel. I've had such terrible luck in my past with people. Friendships, and even worse when it comes to relationships. Early in life I made the mistake WAY TOO often of trusting the wrong people, and always wound up getting hurt as a result. Now, because of it, I DO NOT trust very easily. When I finally trust somebody enough to let them in, I still have this constant paranoia that they will prove to be yet another bag of crap just waiting for the right time to stab me through the heart.

So, believe me, I understand your paranoia. As it is, she's currently busy with trying to build her future. It is understandable that she may just be too busy to commit as fully as she should to your relationship right now. It certainly is possible that maybe that means she has lost interest in you, but it doesn't necessarily mean that for sure. She could be true to her word that nothing has changed, but she's just really busy.

To be honest, I personally agree with you that it is a little unacceptable she can't even take a minute to respond to your texts. Just even a quick "Love you, miss you" kind of thing. ....But some people are just like that. She may not mean to blatantly ignore you, but she is just so busy that she doesn't want to/have time to start a text conversation and therefore doesn't see the point of responding. Or, honestly, she could mean to respond later and just get so busy it slips her mind.

All of this said, honestly if this becomes too much for you to handle, then it wouldn't be wrong of you to feel like you need to end things. When it comes right down to it, no matter how noble her intentions may or may not be, if her lack of time just causes you too much mental anguish (even if you DO intellectually realize she's not pulling away from you, she's just too busy for ANYBODY) then that is something you shouldn't have to suffer through.

Don't get me wrong. She's going through college and trying to start a career. You shouldn't expect her to let that suffer. So, if you DO wind up having to break it off with her, it should not be with any hard feelings. It's not necessarily her fault, just as it isn't really yours either.

Still, she won't ALWAYS be in college. Not to mention, I am sure she gets breaks now and then such as for the upcoming holidays. So, if you can understand and deal with your paranoia for the time being, eventually she should hopefully show you that she is still committed to your relationship. All the same, if even at that point she still seems very distant and not-committed, that may be your sign to move on.

Good luck to you! I hope things work out well.

TheEvilJester, first of all, thanks so much for your time and words, they helped a lot.

Paranoia! That's exaclty the right word for this! Spot on. What happens to me is exactly what you described, word by word.
I know my head, i know that this paranoia is not normal, i know that not everybody is a bag of crap waiting for the right moment to stab me. I just have some issues trusting my own optimistic thoughts about relationships. When my head finds a "quiet spot" during the day, it starts overthinking this situation, starting a barely uncontrolable spiral and... you know the rest. :(

Today i was thinking about this thread, what's being said, what is this that i'm living and i want to say that:

- To be clear, this girl was never the type of girl that would answer a text whitin seconds. She's not the type of person that carries her cell phone everywhere, every time. So, despite the lack of texts or "sweet content" this past weeks, it's not abnormal that she takes quite a time to answer (although of course now it's taking much more time than usual, or even no answers come across). If i add up the load of work she's been handling, that might explain why i don't hear from her often. And although i should not exclude that she might have loss interest in me, she reaches up everyday sharing small things of her day, and i believe (when the paranoia is not in control) that this is a good sign.

- And yes, it's not the first time i feel this way. I've felt exaclty the same in past relationships that, unfortunately, didn't work. But didn't they work because of my paranoical behaviors? Maybe. Surely they weren't the main thing that led to the brake up, but i must admit they might have played a role on that. And this is something i don't want to happen anymore. I must eventually get in total control of this feelings and regain some calm and confidence over relationships. And i do want this one to work out, so i'm pulling all my efforts to not let this stupid paranoia ruin it. I've taken all your advices and i will put them to pratice: althought this season brake will not bring her much calmness (she has to deliver some works just after christmas, and on te very begining of 2016), i'm willing to wait as long as i can to see if she "comes back" to how she was before this rush starts. I'll take deep breaths, i'll try to keep my mind busy, and eventually things will get clear.

Once again, thanks so much for all words and advices, they are really helping!

See, what you are doing in your response above.... That is EXACTLY what you have to do. You need to learn to better rationalize in your head to realize when you are just letting your paranoia/mis-trust of people turn a little issue into something much bigger, or when you are actually legitimately worried for something that should worry you. Believe me, I'm NOT saying that to blame or judge you..... because I'm EXACTLY the same way. I've gotten so much better over the years, though, and that was in large part by better realizing and accepting who I am.

Though I can tell you it WILL get better, unfortunately it will probably never go away completely. Trying to fight that will only makes things worse. That is why having a better understanding of yourself is really the key. What you are doing above is a great start. For example, you mention that before she got super busy with school, she was never really a huge texter anyway. Here's the thing, when a relationship (even a friendship) is new, people tend to go out of their way to be in touch more often than they might normally. So, if she rarely ever texted you all that much in the first place, there is a good chance that WAS her deliberately putting in an extra effort.

So, her being even less responsive is probably just a combination of her settling into her normalcy as well as the fact that she is just so busy recently. What you've clarified about her makes me think even less so that it is a clue that she's lost interest in you.

You also mention that despite not contacting you as often as you'd like, she still DOES reach out here and there. So, even despite how busy she is, she still makes SOME effort. That is a good sign, in my book.

I think you have the right approach in mind now. As best you can, don't let your paranoia get the best of you and just give her the opportunity to prove your paranoia wrong. Of course, with that said, please also be sure you don't go the complete 180. In other words, don't give her the benefit of the doubt SO much that nothing ever changes, but you just learn to accept it. If, God forbid, it were to turn out that she just does not commit to the relationship as much as you'd like/she should, then don't settle. I hope that isn't the case, but just be careful not to over-compensate for your instincts and let your guard down too much.

Believe me, I know that is so much easier said than done. I live with the same mistrust. But, the results are worth it for sure. Good luck!

Well, today was a weird day. :sad2:

Spent most of the day with this paranoia clouding over my head, lots of toughts, emotions going up and down. Today i suggested that we could meet for lunch. She declined, stating that her lunch brake today was close to none. Ok, fair enough. My last text in the afternoon ended up with a "miss u". That was around 2pm. Not heard from her since.

Now the clock is reading 1:30am. I took deep breaths, trying to relax, but no such luck with that. I made my mind that eventually i had to talk to her. I called her. She answered the phone. I open my heart a bit, i told her i'm having a hard time coping with this situation, that i don't really know how to behave anymore, because of her growing absense. I told her that i understand that she's being fully focused on her work, but that i need some assurances, i need to know if everything is ok with us and that's just the way she is, or if something has changed in the meantime. She, althought a bit coldly, told me that nothing has changed, she's just having quite a hard time with all the workload. I noticed that she didn't express her thoughts too much, maybe because she was still in college with some colleagues and she wanted to preserve her intimacy. Maybe. But she said that she totally understands me, and that i don't have nothing to apologize for and everything - apart from her busy life - is ok.

Ok, go on, judge me now for my weakness. I know i've commited myself to one thing here yesterday and now i've just did the oposite. But, apart from the idea that maybe i've just played myself fool, i don't regret calling her. I should now wait and see what happens. I'll let you guys know.

TheEvilJester:
Please don't think for even a minute that your words didn't make a diference. THEY DID. I want to learn to be a better self-controlling guy, i know that's the way to go. I also know that this is not a "single fight" battle. Gaining control of our paranoia is a long journey, that we should win step by step. I'm really grateful for your time and words coming from across the world. I never felt that you've been judging me, althought if you did i woudn't be upset. I'm expressing my feelings here in the web, i'm an open target to judgments. :D

You don't have paranoia. This is your gut telling you that something is not right in your relationship.

Quite frankly, no one is too busy for their love one. I have a high profile and demanding job but I always have time to meet or talk to my boyfriend. If I am on a meeting and I can't talk to him, I text him to let him know that. It takes only seconds to do that.

This girl is stringing you along. Either you sit with her and let her know that you don't appreciate being ignored or move on to someone who can give you more time and attention.

Don't be a push over a girl who cannot appreciate you. Your time is as important as hers.

dontaskme, you are probably right.

I totally agree with you, you always find the time for your love one. My job is quite demanding as well and i always find the time to reach out. A simple text takes only a few seconds. A phone call during a meal brake is easy to do.

But i also know myself, and i know that sometimes i get this fears and weird feelings i've been mentioning in the last posts here messing with my head. Deep down, what's killing me is the doubt. Is it only me, my paranoia, trying to mess everything up, or something is really wrong with the relationship? Once i find the answer i will relax, no matter the conclusion. Of course, i would like to keep this girl in my life, but if it's not meant to be, i will move on.

And to be truly honest with you guys, i think i'll be alone again in the next 24 hours or so.
I've text her again this morning, politely asking for a time for us to be together so we can talk, today. She replied saying that she worked all night, she is really tired, feeling sick and that she needs to sleep. She said that she understands that we need to talk, but her health has to come first. It was a cold text, with no love or comfort in it.

And now that i calmed down a bit and my thoughts are a bit more clean, i must admit that this is not how a relationship should be. I don't know what's going to happen with this conversation, but i kind of now it. My guts are telling me exactly what your guts are telling you either while you're reading this.

I'll let you guys now.
Thanks for being with me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vgomes [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, today was a weird day. :sad2:

Spent most of the day with this paranoia clouding over my head, lots of toughts, emotions going up and down. Today i suggested that we could meet for lunch. She declined, stating that her lunch brake today was close to none. Ok, fair enough. My last text in the afternoon ended up with a "miss u". That was around 2pm. Not heard from her since.

Now the clock is reading 1:30am. I took deep breaths, trying to relax, but no such luck with that. I made my mind that eventually i had to talk to her. I called her. She answered the phone. I open my heart a bit, i told her i'm having a hard time coping with this situation, that i don't really know how to behave anymore, because of her growing absense. I told her that i understand that she's being fully focused on her work, but that i need some assurances, i need to know if everything is ok with us and that's just the way she is, or if something has changed in the meantime. She, althought a bit coldly, told me that nothing has changed, she's just having quite a hard time with all the workload. I noticed that she didn't express her thoughts too much, maybe because she was still in college with some colleagues and she wanted to preserve her intimacy. Maybe. But she said that she totally understands me, and that i don't have nothing to apologize for and everything - apart from her busy life - is ok.

Ok, go on, judge me now for my weakness. I know i've commited myself to one thing here yesterday and now i've just did the oposite. But, apart from the idea that maybe i've just played myself fool, i don't regret calling her. I should now wait and see what happens. I'll let you guys know.

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I WILL NOT judge you, and I do not think you are weak. Whether or not she intends to make you feel this way, how can she not understand that she's only making your paranoid feelings worse? How long does it take to respond with a simple "I miss you too" or something to that effect? Hell, even if she didn't have time for a lengthy back and forth conversation, just a simple "I miss you" or "I love you" goes a long way in showing that she cares.

She can't even do that. How could any of us blame you for not being okay with that no matter how much you may have felt determined NOT to allow your doubts to control you? I sure as Hell cannot because I would likely feel exactly the same way you did. I don't think I'd have been able to help myself either. HOURS go by and she can't even take two seconds to text a quick response back? I too would be feeling like she doesn't give a crap.

I know this sort of sounds weird since I was the one saying maybe you ARE just thinking too much into it.....

But I'm not so sure anymore after your latest update. Before, I could sort of see where it seemed like she was making minor efforts to maintain your relationship. Not enough, mind you, but at least enough that it could show that maybe she sincerely is just having a tough time dealing with balancing her school life and personal life. But, I must admit your latest interactions with her have me starting to lean towards the opposite side of the coin.

Even after you share with her how you are feeling about the situation.... she STILL can't even put in the slightest bit of effort to show you that she IS super busy and WANTS to give you more of her time, but is just too focused on working toward her future. Instead, whether it is her intention or not, her actions are saying that she does not treat you as a priority.

I hope that I am just being too cynical since I've had far too many similar experiences in my life. I know it is a bit weird that I've taken such a 180, but I just feel like I got a different impression from your earlier posts than I feel I am now after your latest interaction with her. Honestly, I don't think a situation like this necessarily is as black and white as some people think. YES, if you truly love somebody you make time for them..... but that doesn't mean there can't come times where we are too busy with something important (like going to college to work toward our future) to have as much time as we'd like with our loved ones.

In this case, though, I'm starting to lean towards wondering if you need somebody who can commit more time to you. That will have to be your decision, and it is one I say you should not rush into without thinking long and hard about it first. However, I don't think you'd be wrong AT ALL to feel like this is not enough for you. Hell, I wouldn't even say you should have any hard feelings, or break up with her in any sort of explosive "F YOU!" kind of way.

Still, if it gets to the point where you feel this just isn't working for you, then I think you just calmly and politely break it off. Explain to her that you cherish the time you shared together. That you definitely understand that her studies are important and you wouldn't want to come between that, but right now you just need somebody who can commit time to their relationship with you. That you understand that she is so busy, but if she just doesn't have time for a relationship at all right now, then maybe the timing just isn't right.

If it does have to come to that, take some time to heal and re-learn to be happy just being you.... but then go back out there and find somebody who actually WILL put in some effort. You should NEVER have to convince somebody you are worth their time. If they can't see it themselves, they are not worth YOUR time in the first place.

TheEvilJester, I don't find it weird at all that you're leaning towards a different opinion after my latest update. I feel the same way after that call! Definitely something is not right. I'm waiting to get the time to talk to her and sort things out. Unfortunately i'm guessing that won't happen until next Tuesday or so, because i'll have a very busy work schedule in the next 3 days and i work really long hours. That's why i text her this morning trying to meet her today. I don't want to have this conversation over the phone, that's not how you discuss such delicate subjects as this.

You're completely right about how i feel, my fears, my thoughts. You were bang on in your description. But truth is that dontaskme was right also, talking about the guts. Both things really go on together, don't you think? And my guts are yelling at me that something has changed. Even the message she sent me today "screams" that something is wrong. Hell, if some girlfriend of mine told me that she is feeling that i'm distant and not caring about her, the first thing i would do was to make sure to her that i like her, that i was there for her. I would try to confort her, to calm her down. She did NOTHING about it. So i guess we can all see the outcome here, right?

Maybe i need to find someone else, who can commit more time into a relationship. This girl is now struggling with her future, scared of not being well suceeded. I'm on another step of the ladder. I work, i bought my house, i drive my car, i pay my bills. I just want to find someone to share life and get old with.

But for now it seems that it's going to be another Christmas by myself.

I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head. In fact, I think that is a large part of why my personal opinion changed so radically from just one interaction you described for her. Following your story at first, I can understand how people would conclude that your gal just didn't prioritize you..... However, I can relate to being crazy busy and feeling like you don't have time for people even when you REALLY SINCERELY do want to spend time with them. I can relate to wanting to set time aside for certain people, but just not having the time. I also graduated college and know how time consuming it can be, and I also worked at the same time. So, I can relate and realize that it isn't always black and white. It isn't always that somebody makes time for you if they want to see you.... because sometimes people honestly just don't have time. By the same token, just because somebody keeps consistently not having time for you, it doesn't automatically mean it is because they don't WANT to.

However, you are exactly right. Just as you said, if I ever had a girlfriend who told me she felt like I wasn't committing enough time to us, my initial gut reaction would be to make it 100% clear that I was sorry if I ever made her feel that way and explain in no uncertain terms that it was never my intention. Even if I WAS literally so busy that I didn't have enough time for her, I'd make sure she knew it was just that and nothing more, and I would make an extra effort to give her more time if and when I could.

You shared with your gal how you were feeling and she couldn't even bother to try to comfort you and make you understand that she is not intentionally neglecting your relationship. She also couldn't be bothered to make any effort to give you even a little more time just to make you feel like she actually does care. I mean, you said she did explain that nothing has changed and she is just busy and yadda yadda yadda.... but the way you describe it, it just strikes me as though she did so in a very cold emotionless manner. Maybe I'm just misinterpreting, but I didn't get the impression that it felt to you like "Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie, I never meant to make you feel that way. Thing are just super busy for me these days, but I DO still want to be with you." I get more of an impression that it almost hit you more like her attitude was "Why are you bothering me with this? I'm too busy for this crap."

Once again, honest to God, she IS doing something very important right now. Working toward her career and her future IS very important. It is understandable if she is super busy. Hell, it is even understandable if she is so busy that she just doesn't have time for your relationship..... but it is also understandable if that is not good enough for you. If she cared and actually desired to keep you, then she should either A) make an effort to give you SOME time when she can and make it 100% clear she does value you or B) at least make it clear that in time, when she no longer is so busy, she still wants to be with you.

She can't just string you along not knowing when or even IF there will ever be an end to this. The last thing in the world you deserve is to be strung along for however much longer she has until she graduates and is no longer so busy..... only to then STILL be left feeling like she doesn't value you. It would be one thing if there were a foreseeable future where she could and would once again commit fully to your relationship. Whether or not this is her intentions, her actions don't offer a lot of confidence that she cares to maintain the relationship even if and when the time does come that she is no longer so swamped.

Good luck to you. You deserve better than this, that is for sure. That's not saying she couldn't BE that better. Maybe she could, I don't know. I am just saying, if she cannot give the time to you that you deserve then maybe it is best for you to find somebody who can. Then she can focus the time she needs to finish her schooling without the guilt of holding somebody back and you can be free to find somebody who will make you feel loved.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester

"Why are you bothering me with this? I'm too busy for this crap."

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Yup. That was pretty much how it felt. I remember that in the firt weeks of her busy period she would come to me like "are you mad at me? I know that i'm not giving enough attention, i'm sorry.", but those words slowly faded away, incrising my "gut-paranoia" feelings that something was not right. It seems she couldn't care less and less, until we get to the point we are now.

We still didn't talk. In our last conversation it was obvious that we wouldn't get the time to be togheter until Tuesday, at least. She and i were really busy until then. I've text her Tuesday, the day when she was presenting another school project. I've just let her know that i was still there, hoping for her best on the tasks she had in hands. She replied a couple of hours later, said the presentation did not went as well as she would like to, and that she had only 3 hours of sleep and was again working, on the next project. I told her that i was hoping that she was taking good care of her, whenever possible, and leave her a kiss. She did not answer anymore.

At this point it is obvious to me that this has come to an end. Not really know what has changed in her mind or life but it is unbearable to love someone if we don't get some love back. It's heartbraking, consuming, depressing. And i can't live like this. No one can, i guess...

I'm sure we will talk, someday, at some point. Not quite sure if she will take the lead to that, but i will for sure, because i don't want to keep going with so many questions and things to say. I'll wait a couple more days, see what happens. We'll eventually meet, not only because she has some of my stuff that i want to get back, but also because we have a couple of friends in common, sooner or later we will meet.

Again, TheEvilJester, thank you for being on that side of the internet, taking the time to read and comment on this thread. I'm grateful.

Not much more needs to be said, my friend, so I will just say that I am so sorry to hear how this happened to you. I know what it can feel like to care for somebody (either as a friend or even as more than a friend) and feel like you aren't getting the same in return. It can be especially difficult when you used to feel like they did give you the time and attention you deserve. It can be so hard not to cling to that past when things were truly good and hoping and wishing it could return to that. Sometimes, though, it is just best to move on, and it seems this may just be one of those times.

When it comes right down to it, if she lost interest in the relationship, or even just sincerely feels she doesn't have time for it, then that is her decision. Inherently there really is nothing wrong with that. What IS wrong is to keep leading you on, saying that she does still care, that nothing has changed, that she does still want to be together, blah blah blah..... but not proving it in her actions. She should just be an adult and make a decision. She should either commit to learning how to better balance her time so it can include time with you, or just let you go.

Though, I think perhaps that decision should cease to be hers. It may just be time for you to make the decision yourself. I don't know her or know the situation well enough, but if I had to guess I would say that I don't think she ever intended for this to happen. I don't think she blatantly doesn't care and just intentionally doesn't bother making time for you. Sometimes, this kind of thing just happens. Still, whether it was intentional on her part or not, it doesn't change how it makes you feel, or how it would make anybody feel. So, I would say you should leave with no hard feelings, but if she can't give you the time you need and deserve it may be better to leave her free to pursue her studies while you pursue a meaningful relationship with somebody who will have time for it.

vgomes, I think you might want to start putting some effort in another direction. You've thrown so much into this dead-end relationship and you're getting very little in return.

Is there anyone else you might have a little interest in?

That's a good point, and one that I would even extend. It wouldn't be a bad idea to even pursue other outside interests beyond a relationship. Keep yourself busy with friends and/or hobbies or whatever else makes you happy. When you do find a gal who actually has time to commit to a relationship, it will help you to worry a little bit less over things like whether she really likes you or not because you have other things going for you. With what you've been through, it can be hard not to fall into a trap of mistrust. You don't want to give into your paranoia and think that just because one gal strung you along and made you feel unwanted that any girl you date would do the same.

Most importantly, though, having outside interests will just help you to feel better about you right now. If you do make the decision to end your relationship, you will likely need some time to heal and get over it. Friends/hobbies/etc. can help.

She likely feels overwhelmed, which is a romantic mood killer. Right now isn't the right time for her to be "all in" the relationship. That doesn't mean you two cannot find a happy place in between. My advice: turn your expectations into invitations. She might say no, and that is okay. You are giving her the freedom to love you.

Nothing, besides partner's cheatings, happends without your personal actions and moves.
Do something to make the wish come true.

Good advice from both of you, but I think I got the impression he HAS done that. I think that is part of the problem. He has tried to keep things going, ask her to get together here and there, etc. and she is just too busy. At least that was the impression I got. I think, more so, the thing to figure out is whether she is honestly just too busy to go all in with a relationship, or whether she is just disinterested. Can be hard to tell the difference, though. In the end, either way it would be understandable if that is just not enough for somebody, though. Even if she is 100% being honest that she DOES want to be with him but is currently just too busy, I could understand if that is still not enough. Again, though, the cold and almost heartless way she seems to be about it makes me personally lean towards thinking it's not just that she's super busy, but more that she can't/doesn't care enough to make any effort... and that is most certainly NOT okay. Yes, people can be super busy sometimes, but you at least make some effort, even if very minor, to keep people in your life if they matter.

Though, I readily admit it is possible I am being too cynical, especially given that people have not given me much reason for trust. Still, her words/actions described here don't really make me think it could just be my cynicism coloring my perception here.

Hey guys,

Well, TheEvilJester spoke for me, he his absolutely right. I tried everything i could, but nothing has changed. That is - or was - part of the problem. But thanks anyway for the comments, they are all welcome and they were, indeed, a good sugestion.

And there we came to the point where there isn't much to say here. We still didn't get togheter once, altought we've talked on the phone one of this nights. I hate to speak about such delicate subjects over the phone, but it was more or less inevitable. The conversation went from very intricate and uncomfortable to smooth and almost loving, my thoughts in the end were that her head is on a mess. :upset: I don't want to go for much details here, but she admited that she didn't gave me any atention lately, but she doesn't understand why i'm reacting this way. Everything i said i felt she reacted like it was a threat, but trust me, it wasn't. I'm not that kind of guy, i was not mad, i never even raised my voice to her. She also took some weird arguments, like "if you wanted to know how i was, you could have called anytime", altough i've always told her that the problem was the exact oposite, i felt that she never care about how was i in the first place. Many of the texts i was left with no answer were asking exactly how was she, so i really cannot see the point on her argument here :( .

The phone call was on Friday night, 5 nights ago. Not much happened since.
Is this the end? Her answer was "i don't know, i'm afraid". She really seemed confused. I'm not. I still love her (you simply don't switch off the love button, right?) but i can't continue falling straight to the ground because of this girl. I'm deeply sorry and i feel for her, i know that she is having a hard time dealing with her life. I'll keep going with mine, with no hard feelings. Maybe some day she'll take the time to realise that i'm a good guy that once in her life really tried to bring her some happiness to her so busy and breathless days. For now, life's moving on.

I truly wish you all a very very pleasant season. Happy Holidays everyone!
I see you around.

Well, I am sorry to hear things did not go well. So, out of curiosity, did you two come to any solid conclusion? In other words, did you officially break it off at this point, or are things just kind of in limbo right now? You don't have to answer that or go into any detail if you don't want. However, in my personal opinion, it would be best for you and even for her were you to just officially end it. That doesn't mean you can't plan to possibly revisit things if and when she later has time to commit to a relationship for real. You can both keep it in the back of your mind that maybe you will see how things go down the road, but for now it would probably be best to move on.

Heck, if time goes on and suddenly she is no longer so busy...... but you find yourself in a happy relationship with some other girl, then that is life. As I have said all throughout, it could be entirely possible she never MEANT to be so busy she couldn't even give you any of her time. It is possible she never meant to make you feel unimportant to her. It is entirely possible she truly was just so overwhelmed with how busy she's been that she couldn't balance it with her personal life. However, even if that IS the case, it doesn't change the fact that it may not be enough for you, nor does it change the fact that it would be understandable if it was not. Sometimes that is life.

Again, it will really have to be your decision, I am just offering my thoughts and advice. In this case, my personal advice would be to move on, take some time to yourself, and then date other women. Heck, you never know. Maybe fate will see fit to bring you two back together. If it does, then great, but I wouldn't wait and put your life on hold for somebody who is finding it too hard to even give you two minutes here and there. Who knows if that would ever change?

Good luck, friend.

Hi!

Sorry for the late reply, TheEvilJester, i failed to notice you last post here!
We never ended it. We are living in that weird limbo. I haven't seen her since all this situation started. We talk, by message, pretty much everyday but no more than 2 or 3 texts. We just reach out for one ocasional "everything's ok?" every know and then. I've tried to confort her a few days ago because she was struggling over some delayed work, but that's is. We didn't talk about us, and i don't feel comfortable bringing the subject back again, not now, at least. But i want to have that conversation, i really think that's important to us.

I'm giving her some space for her to take care of her life at this point. I'm discreetly letting her know that i'm still here, i still care for her and that i don't have any hard feelings for what happened (even if that is not completely true). And in the meantime i'm learning to live without her. I do not expect nothing, really. I'm just slowly moving on with my life, we'll see what happens. Some might say that i should break contact with this girl for good, but i don't feel like it. We're adults, we should behave like so. I like her, she is a good person, and i know she can be a good friend. So i'll be around if she needs any help. But for know that's the only thing i'll do. That, and pushing my life forward.

Cheers and thanks!

That is good. I would just say, at some point you do need to make a decision and fill her in one it. Don't get me wrong. It isn't as though she seems to have extended the same courtesy to you, but no reason for you to make that same mistake. Whether it is her intention or not, she's basically given up on your relationship (even if it is just temporary) without involving you in the discussion/decision. What's worse, when confronted she acts as though nothing changed, essentially trying to keep you hanging on.... but for what exactly? What do you get out of it?

So, I think it is fine for you to just sort of take an unofficial break as you say you have done.... but I would just say that you should come to some kind of decision at some point and let her know what that is. If your decision is to end the relationship, at least until such a time that she actually has the time to commit to it, then you should have that discussion instead of just deciding to yourself that you've moved on without sharing that revelation with her.

I do think, though, that your sort of testing the waters type of approach could be good. She's obviously had no problem doing this herself, so just take some time to enjoy your own separate life and get a sort of preview of what it would be like to be without her. That may even help you to better decide whether you want to give the relationship a chance once she actually can commit to it, or whether it is just time to move on. It is definitely good for any relationship if the two people also have a bit of individuality. So, it is good to learn to have your own separate hobbies and occasionally have time apart. However, you are certainly right to feel like it isn't enough to basically NEVER talk/see each other.

Good luck to you. I hope this time apart helps you to figure out what you want to ultimately do about this situation. Whatever you do decide, I hope it works out for the best.