Serious issue.....need some advice!!

New to this forum and thought I would get a third party's advice on a pretty serious issue.

Let me paint the picture......have been separated since July of 2012 and divorced since January of this year from a 20 plus year relationship. I have children and am in their lives on an almost daily basis. Over the last several months, the x and I have been talking about reconciliation and putting the family back together. During the last several months of our separation and divorce, both her and I have been seeing someone. Both relationships have been finished with the understanding the we both want to work on putting the marriage back together.

Here is the kicker......during the final night of her relationship with this OM, they had what I will call 'break up' sex and she is now pregnant! She is 43 and has not had a child in 5 years. I was a little taken aback but what could I say? We are indeed divorced......it was her life. Since being back in the same town as her and my children again, I have heard a thousand 'I'm sorrys'. She has told me that she is not going to tell the baby's father that she is pregnant because she does not want him in our lives as we move forward. She is about 4 weeks along.

I still love this woman, minus the last two years, we have a long and good history together. Part of me is screaming to support her and love her through this and to raise the child as if it were my own. The other part of me is yelling 'run to the hills'! Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I think I know what I need to do but would love to hear some feedback!

I can't say I went through the same exact thing you did. My marriage was very short, though the relationship itself in total was nearly a decade. Still, I don't know about you, but I sure as heck did not get divorced simply on a whim. I mean, this is not some minor little spat. You two were separated, and even after that still proceeded with the divorce.

Don't get me wrong, it is very noble of you two to want to make it work. It's just, you need to seriously think about what has changed? Why would it work this time if it didn't before? If the things that went wrong TRULY CAN be fixed, then great. Give it a go. But, typically people get divorced because of things that cannot be fixed. If you could have fixed them, you probably would have.

It's also great that you two want to get your family back together. The thing is, children will be much happier with two happy parents who aren't together, rather than two miserable parents who are. So, in the end if you two are simply not meant to be together, then it is best to just remain apart. You can obviously still be friends for the sake of the children, but if you two do not work out as a couple, everybody is better off that way.

Still, I don't know you, I don't know her, and I don't know the specifics. Maybe you both sincerely feel that the issues that broke you up are things you can fix. If so, good luck and more power to you. It's just often not likely to succeed when it already did not in the past.

On a side note, I guess it is none of your business or mine, but she really should tell the guy he is going to be a father no matter what happens between you two. Whether or not she wants him in her life, he deserves to know he is a father. He deserves a chance to do the right thing and be there for his child. Again, though, that is really her business.

Thanks for the response.

We have both made mistakes, have owned up to them and know how to fix them. I believe that this marriage can be salvaged and things 'could' be better than they ever were. We had 20 years of good and two years of chaos......we both know what happened and what it will take to reconcile.

Regarding the baby daddy, I agree that the right thing to do is for her to tell him. She has already said her peace about the issue and I'm not going to bring it up again. Their relationship was purely physical.......I understand that. Had a couple of those since the divorce myself. Not proud of it but it is what it is.

She should of used protection obviously.. Especially knowing this guy isn't her soul mate and she's only been divorced since this year yuck. This poor guy has a child he will never know about now. I disagree with her decision. Goodluck to you. If it didn't work out once, it probably ain't gonna work out again. She sounds really immature for being that old.

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Originally Posted by purple_roses [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She should of used protection obviously.. Especially knowing this guy isn't her soul mate and she's only been divorced since this year yuck. This poor guy has a child he will never know about now. I disagree with her decision. Goodluck to you. If it didn't work out once, it probably ain't gonna work out again. She sounds really immature for being that old.

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Hey judgmental Prick, do you have a crystal ball that you can tell what's going to happen in the future? How do you even know whether the wife's relationship with the ex husband will work or not once they reunite?

If they are both dedicated in making this to work, then that is all that matters, not you yucking the wife for the mistake that she obviously made. You're such a biatch!

And wtf is a soul mate anyway, lmao!!!

Why not just abort and get on with your lives? She's 42 and its not your kid. Two very good reasons for termination. I also think you both should get a full spectrum STD testing done now and in six month to make sure you both came out of this separation unscathed. Marriage councelling wouldn't be such a bad idea either.

Good luck.

Yep; I'm not sure why you're complicating matters. She's 43 (which can be danger-zone in terms of having a baby, increased chances of Downs Syndrome for one). She could have an early-term abortion and you could move forward with your lives. I mean, she's even considering not telling the child's father which isn't exactly an upstanding thing to consider doing - he has a right to know, as does the child if she decides to proceed with the pregnancy.

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Originally Posted by TablesandChairs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yep; I'm not sure why you're complicating matters. She's 43 (which can be danger-zone in terms of having a baby, increased chances of Downs Syndrome for one). She could have an early-term abortion and you could move forward with your lives. I mean, she's even considering not telling the child's father which isn't exactly an upstanding thing to consider doing - he has a right to know, as does the child if she decides to proceed with the pregnancy.

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She had considered then it was quickly taken off the table. As our current relationship has turned for the better and is getting better every day (time will tell), she is very distraught about the poor decision that she made (along with other decisions). Right, wrong, or indifferent, she does not want to tell the baby's father due to the fact that she does not want this person in our lives going forward. I don't agree with that decision but it is not mine to make.

The comment was made by her about how would the other children feel if their youngest sibling was picked up for the weekend and they were not? We all make mistakes but since the separation and divorce, it seems that the mistakes have been piling up in her corner. This is not a 'mercy' reconciliation on my part......at all. I still deeply care for and love this woman but am taking things slow right now and with a great deal of caution. Bottom line, I will take my time and cannot accept responsibility for something that I did not do. I know the questions WILL come from family and friends. Sadly, she will have to be the one to answer those questions.

If I do decide to continue the reconciliation process and we decide to get remarried, I will raise and love this child as one of my own. Maybe not the norm nowadays, but that is the kind of guy that I am.

If you are both serious about reconciling and you're both doing inner personal development, and plan on having a heart-based relationship versus fear-based relationship, the baby isn't a negative. Regardless of how a child is brought in to the world, it deserves to be loved, nurtured, and respected. My son never had his father around for most of his life. My ex-husband has been there for the most part which isn't his father. Biology doesn't make a father.

If you're both serious about not getting involved with other people, than the relationship can be better than it was ever before. It depends on whether you both take responsibility and create the relationship you desire to have.

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Originally Posted by Mattiemae [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you are both serious about reconciling and you're both doing inner personal development, and plan on having a heart-based relationship versus fear-based relationship, the baby isn't a negative. Regardless of how a child is brought in to the world, it deserves to be loved, nurtured, and respected. My son never had his father around for most of his life. My ex-husband has been there for the most part which isn't his father. Biology doesn't make a father.

If you're both serious about not getting involved with other people, than the relationship can be better than it was ever before. It depends on whether you both take responsibility and create the relationship you desire to have.

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Thank you for the response.

Yes, we are both serious about reconciling. Everything has been put out in the open on both sides......phone records, e-mail accounts, everything. And you are right, biology does not make a father. My biological father was killed in Vietnam but the man that raised me is my father and he is the best man I know. That is how I plan on approaching this situation. Fact is, it is a part of her, the person that I still care about.

We have both taken responsibility for the mistakes that we have made and know what it will take to resolve those issues.....radical honesty is the key. Sadly, the mistakes that she has made will be with us for a while but it is not something that we cannot overcome.

I definitely wish you the best of luck. I don't know what sort of issues you two were facing that broke you up in the first place, and it is none of my business unless you felt the need to elaborate for us. However, if you two feel they are things you can fix, then I sincerely hope you are able to do just that.

I will, again, still suggest caution. Again, you both had time apart, and even after that still decided to proceed with the divorce. Divorce does not tend to be a spontaneous action, especially given that it takes time to resolve, and many states even require a brief "separation" period before the divorce can proceed. So, my gut instinct would personally say if you felt things could have been fixed, you would have worked to do that before finalizing the divorce.

Still, sometimes it takes time for people to be able to realize they have made a mistake. Perhaps, given time, you were both able to heal and learn from the mistakes made in the marriage. Maybe it time, you were able to realize that they could be fixed and were not something that should ultimately end your relationship for good. I hope that is the case. I would just suggest treading lightly. Good luck to you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I definitely wish you the best of luck. I don't know what sort of issues you two were facing that broke you up in the first place, and it is none of my business unless you felt the need to elaborate for us. However, if you two feel they are things you can fix, then I sincerely hope you are able to do just that.

I will, again, still suggest caution. Again, you both had time apart, and even after that still decided to proceed with the divorce. Divorce does not tend to be a spontaneous action, especially given that it takes time to resolve, and many states even require a brief "separation" period before the divorce can proceed. So, my gut instinct would personally say if you felt things could have been fixed, you would have worked to do that before finalizing the divorce.

Still, sometimes it takes time for people to be able to realize they have made a mistake. Perhaps, given time, you were both able to heal and learn from the mistakes made in the marriage. Maybe it time, you were able to realize that they could be fixed and were not something that should ultimately end your relationship for good. I hope that is the case. I would just suggest treading lightly. Good luck to you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best.

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Thank you for the response.

I feel that the issues that arose can be fixed. She does as well. Based upon the counseling that we have both been receiving, this time apart and the divorce might have been the best thing for both of us. I truly feel that we have realized that the grass is indeed NOT greener on the other side. Again, we have both made mistakes......unfortunately the mistakes that she has made are going to be with us forever. We will see......I am very optimistic.

I met with some close friends last night and they urged the same thing.....proceed with great caution. Today I am making the decision to not make a decision. All in all, things are going fairly descent, but there are still some things that I need to see. And she understands that and has been completely open on honest with me. The baby shock is starting to wear off some......bottom line, we were divorced when it happened so I have no right to complain about it.

Thank you for the well wishes.

I think marriage counselling is vital if your going to make this work. If you want it to have a real chance then get counselling.

How is it fair on the baby to be brought up thinking your his/her father. These things have a way of coming out.. it may not be 20 years until it does but then the child will think their whole life has been a lie and be so hurt and angry at you and their mother.. if you want whats best for the baby then you cannot do this to him/her. You can still play a huge role and be a loving dad but this lie is too big and will have severe consequences down the line if you choose to sweep it under the rug.

You are wrong when you say you have no say in this. Yes you do if she expects you to raise the baby with her. Do you want to play a role in damaging the child forever?

She cant run away from this. She has to be mature and responsible and do the right thing if shes having the baby. You could legally adopt the child if he decides he wants nothing to do with it but honesty is important.

You may think biology means nothing but it means everything to people who find out later in life

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think marriage counselling is vital if your going to make this work. If you want it to have a real chance then get counselling.

How is it fair on the baby to be brought up thinking your his/her father. These things have a way of coming out.. it may not be 20 years until it does but then the child will think their whole life has been a lie and be so hurt and angry at you and their mother.. if you want whats best for the baby then you cannot do this to him/her. You can still play a huge role and be a loving dad but this lie is too big and will have severe consequences down the line if you choose to sweep it under the rug.

You are wrong when you say you have no say in this. Yes you do if she expects you to raise the baby with her. Do you want to play a role in damaging the child forever?

She cant run away from this. She has to be mature and responsible and do the right thing if shes having the baby. You could legally adopt the child if he decides he wants nothing to do with it but honesty is important.

You may think biology means nothing but it means everything to people who find out later in life

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We talked about this in great depth last night. I asked her to tell him about the baby. She said that she does not want her or I to live with his ghost in our lives. Selfishly, I can understand that but the honorable thing to do is tell him. She said she would tell him 'someday' but now is not the time. She does not want to hinder what we are working on (her words not mine). When is the right time????

Like your friends have suggested, proceed with caution. At the end of the day, you're both in your 40's and having an infant around will definitely change things. You'll be in your 50's by the time the child is 10 and still ver much dependent on his/her parents. Consider whether you will feel resentment or frustration in the coming years.

Ultimately, no matter how she chooses to spin things in her head - this will not be your child. He/she has a father and if I put myself in a man's shoes - I would feel like I had a right to know if I had offspring. He might want to be actively involved and although this might not sit well with her, it's something that she should prepare herself for because this isn't just her life we're talking about.

It doesn't have to be a deal-breaker but you'd want your relationship to be very strong in order for it to withstand the future challenges.

I wonder why was abortion taken off the table. Was it her decision, your decision, a mutually agreed to decision? If she's so intent on keeping the two of you on the right track then she won't make you be in this lie with her. She doesn't even have to tell the sperm donor about the pregnancy. What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Win/win all around. Personally, I think she's being rather selfish and she appeases her own guilt by continuing to reiterate how "sorry" she is that she let this happen while she expects you to be emotionally and financially responsible for another man's baby. Is your love for her that unconditional that you don't get to have a say in the decision when it's going to affect you for the rest of your life?

You should see a lawyer to find out what your responsibility will be for that child should the union dissolve once again. It's the least you can do for yourself.

The abortion being taken off the table was not a mutual decision. I WOULD like a clean slate to get started from but technically we are divorced.....does that make it her decision and her decision alone? The decision to reconcile was made by both of us prior to her getting pregnant. And yes, I believe she is being a little selfish and she is expecting me to pick up the slack and care for her and the baby/children the way I did prior to the break up.

Prior to the separation and the divorce, I gave all for my family, even sacrificed things that I loved to do. Today that is different. I AM taking care of myself and my happiness. I have set some pretty strict boundaries with her (which is something new, unfortunately I use to be a yes ma'am no ma'am type of guy) and at first she was a little taken aback but has excepted what I have asked for. My love for her is unconditional but I have stated to her several times that I believe that the honorable thing to do is tell the father (and from what I gather based upon what my children have said, he is not a very upstanding type of guy). She is really concerned about having this person in our lives. Why did you sleep with him, with no protection, if you wanted to reconcile? Just not understanding some things right now......

I have a meeting set up with my attorney to see what my legal 'responsibilities' are and could be 'if' I decide to continue down this path of reconciliation. Right now I am taking things day by day and really slow. Our communication is very good right now so that is a plus.

Are you sure she isn't further along then she says she is? I'm sorry but she's sounding an awful lot like she's missing the support and has the fear of having to raise this child on her own so you're looking pretty good to her right now. I hope I'm wrong. Why sleep with him without protection if she's considering a reconciliation with you indeed?

In spite of my cynicism ~ my best to you, standingtall. It is good to see that you're getting legal council, you have many things to weigh.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are you sure she isn't further along then she says she is? I'm sorry but she's sounding an awful lot like she's missing the support and has the fear of having to raise this child on her own so you're looking pretty good to her right now. I hope I'm wrong. Why sleep with him without protection if she's considering a reconciliation with you indeed?

In spite of my cynicism ~ my best to you, standingtall. It is good to see that you're getting legal council, you have many things to weigh.

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Yes, I have been thinking the same thing and a few close friends that I have confided in have noticed the same thing. Mr 'steady' is back and she knows that she always rely on me to do the right and honorable thing. I have to remain very cautious about how to proceed with things though. Hate to say that I don't trust the person that I spent many years with, but I don't. Maybe that will change.

For all involved, it would be great for us to reconcile but I have to do it for the right reasons. It really sucks seeing my children numerous times a week and them saying 'Daddy, please stay'........we'll see what happens.

It does sometimes take almost losing somebody (or even actually losing them) to realize that they are worth keeping, or that the problems you may have had were problems that could be fixed. So, it sounds like that may well be what happened to you two. You mention you two are already getting counseling, which is definitely the right move.

You also sound like you are being very cautious in everything. So, you really sound to me like you've got your head and heart both right where they belong. I suppose I don't really have much more advice to offer. I think you are on the right track. I wish you the best. I hope it works out in whatever way ultimately makes you more happy, whether that may be to wind up back with her or not.

Seems as if caution is indeed the right course of action right now. She is a very confused individual right now. She wants nothing to do with the baby daddy, doesn't want to tell him about the baby, but is still talking to him via text......occasionally, or so she says.

We had a little argument yesterday about that fact and pretty much told her I'm not going to live like that. I'm not going to hop back in, be Mr Steady, and take care of her problems like I always have. Frankly, this is not my problem and not my responsibility. Period! She wants 'us' and the family back together but on her terms. Seriously? Maybe I just need to keep living my life, continue to be the best father I can be, and move on.......

TheEvilJester, I just stole this from you, it is so true!

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It does sometimes take almost losing somebody (or even actually losing them) to realize that they are worth keeping, or that the problems you may have had were problems that could be fixed.

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Originally Posted by standingtall [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She wants 'us' and the family back together but on her terms. Seriously?

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This is where you have to be the man or else..........i don't know where this is going to lead you guys to. And no matter how she preaches from Genesis to Revelation, the father of that unborn baby has every legal right to know about her pregnancy even though he is a crack head or whatever. She already made a mistake that you guys are going to live with for the rest of your life and now she is asking you to enable her to make another one?

No, she won't tell the baby's daddy she is pregnant and until 20 years later that the child gets to know that you aren't his biological father, then you will have a lot of explanation to do then,...beginning with "Oh, it was actually your mother's ideal or your mother's fault..."

Dear STanding Tall,

Admirable. I haven't much to add as many, especially TheEvilJester (again) said everything I was thinking after reading your posts and I couldn't add much to that.

So yes, admirable... Good on you.
I wish you and yours every success; there's a baby in the belly! and this is a beautiful thing. I too was raised by a non bio Dad (two of them) and they are of the best people I have had the honour of knowing. Heck, I was that baby.
and as far as telling the bio Dad the truth; well, of course there's the whole, he has a right to know.

Well, here's the flip side of that. My Mother told my bio Dad all about me growing inside her and do you know what he did? not a thing. Nothing.. So, I grew up thinking he didn't want me and he didn't and this, well, wasn't easy. Abandonment. Shitty.
I have often wondered if it would have been easier on my heart never knowing the truth.

Anyway, there's my two cents.
You got lots of good insight here from other people

Again, best wishes to you and yours and may it be a good pregnancy, may there be lots of love, a happy home with plenty of food in the pantry, warm feet and happy souls.

woody=trees

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Originally Posted by standingtall [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Seems as if caution is indeed the right course of action right now. She is a very confused individual right now. She wants nothing to do with the baby daddy, doesn't want to tell him about the baby, but is still talking to him via text......occasionally, or so she says.

We had a little argument yesterday about that fact and pretty much told her I'm not going to live like that. I'm not going to hop back in, be Mr Steady, and take care of her problems like I always have. Frankly, this is not my problem and not my responsibility. Period! She wants 'us' and the family back together but on her terms. Seriously? Maybe I just need to keep living my life, continue to be the best father I can be, and move on.......

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Then you should move on. Frankly, its what most people who are not totally codependent would be doing. You're already divorced, you don't want to raise this child as your own and she doesn't want to have the bio father involved but she still keeps texting him when she's suppose to be making things right with you and her. She should have zero contact with him if she's not going to tell him about the baby. There should be zero excuses why she's still talking to him.

Your kids will adjust to you "not staying" and will be fine with seeing you on your visitation schedule. Being on friendly terms with their mother, Knowing you are in their lives and love them will help them to adjust to the divorce. Its too bad she kept seeing this guy when she was suppose to be concentrating on being with you.

What did your lawyer have to say?

I'm against abortion simple as that. You surely can't stop a child from being brought into this world

I wish you the best in This reconciliation and hope it works out for the whole family. But you can't lie to the kids and tell them who is the father etc. but I'll leave that one to you. "Break up" sex? Very stupid and from the sounds of it, your ex wife needs a kick up the backside. Be very careful in reconciling with her mate. And very cautious.

Just an update.....

Let me start by saying I am against abortion. The x asked me to help her with getting one last night. She indicated to me that she felt this would give us a fresh start with nothing hanging over our head. Not sure how I feel about that right now. I still feel that she needs to tell the baby daddy but is dead set against it because she does not want him in our life.

Where I stand in this whole train wreck? I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst. Right now, I need to step back, and start moving on. If she is serious about reconciling, she has some things that she needs to prove. I have 'options' but right now am not pursuing those options. Time is on my side.....we will see what happens.

What do you expect her to do to prove herself to you? She's offered to terminate the pregnancy which would then keep the other man out of your lives for good if he doesn't ever know about it.

Telling him and then having an abortion is just unnecessary drama waiting to happen. I don't know what state you live in but by now, like Canada, I'm sure they view it as being her body to do with as she sees fit so whether he knows and is against the abortion or not, he has no say in what she ends up doing.

Anyway, you sound done with it all. Don't string her along and make her wait too long to terminate only for you to not reconcile with her, that would be a very callous thing to do, don't you agree?

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What do you expect her to do to prove herself to you? She's offered to terminate the pregnancy which would then keep the other man out of your lives for good if he doesn't ever know about it.

Telling him and then having an abortion is just unnecessary drama waiting to happen. I don't know what state you live in but by now, like Canada, I'm sure they view it as being her body to do with as she sees fit so whether he knows and is against the abortion or not, he has no say in what she ends up doing.

Anyway, you sound done with it all. Don't string her along and make her wait too long to terminate only for you to not reconcile with her, that would be a very callous thing to do, don't you agree?

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I am not stringing her along and yes, I agree that this will give us a fresh start. There are other issues that concern me as well. Just a lot to think about......

Thank you to both rest77 and Woody (yet again) for your compliments. :-D ...You know, I should really start living up to my name and stop giving such friendly advice. LOL! What kind of Evil Jester am I? :-P

On a serious note...

standingtall, very appropriate name choice on your part. It sounds to me like "standing tall" is exactly what you are doing. To that, I said good for you, friend. It does sound like there is quite a bit of drama in her life right now. That is okay. That happens to the best of us. Maybe not the specific circumstances, but we all get used as life's toilet now and then.

The thing is, that is her cross to bear. She needs to work on it and drag herself out of her current heap. That cannot be dumped on you. That is not fair to you. It is great and noble to make the effort to keep the family together. In the end, though, as I've said in advice to others before, you are looking for a partner, not another child for whom you need to care. She should be your equal, not somebody constantly causing you grief and stress. I learned that the hard way in my marriage. I am the type of guy who takes my commitments VERY seriously.... as result, I hung on much longer than I really should have. You are out now. If it doesn't seem like she has changed/will change, then no need to get back in when you were already free.

You seemed optimistic before, now not so much. Again, I will repeat, cautiously optimistic is the phrase that pays here. Give her time to overcome all this crud currently going on in her life.... but not an eternity. If she cannot get her life together, then maybe you two truly are just better off as friends. Remain friendly for the sake of the kids in that case. Better to be apart and happy than together and miserable. Good luck, friend.