What the hell has happened to me? (Infidelity)
I've always prided myself on my morals, loyalty, and commitment to my loved ones. A recent experience has completely rocked my world and made me question who I really am.
I've been traveling for work for nearly six months now between a combination of international and domestic locations. I recently started a new job and this schedule won't be typical in the long run but will continue through late this year. I am only home with my wonderful wife and two kids (2 and 6) for perhaps one weekend per month. Work days are long, stressful, and physically and mentally draining, seven days a week.
As the months have gone on, I have desperately tried to hold on to "the real me" - a loving, dedicated father and husband. But as the days grind away, I continue to get more and more worn down and I don't like who I am becoming.
The nature of my work regularly brings me into contact with mixed company in social situations. A few months ago, I met a woman who I came to learn was very interested in me. Through shared acquaintances we would regularly see each other and it became obvious that there was strong mutual attraction. I initially just chalked it up as a nice ego boost. I was resolved to not let this attraction lead to anything, but every time we were together we would both toe the line and continue to escalate. Long story short, we finally ended up hooking up and performing oral sex on each other. Even in my most desire fueled, addled state of mind, intercourse was never on the table. Not that that makes anything better, but maybe it's a sign that there's some small part of me that is still trying to hold on to my values?
My emotions right now are incredibly complicated and change by the hour. Part of me feels bad simply because I know it's wrong, but the level of guilt fluctuates from overwhelming to barely present. Another part of me, what I hope is "the real me", is absolutely sick with what I have done. Part of me wants to just find the nearest bridge, while the sickest, most depraved part of me would probably hook up with this woman again for the cheap thrill. I feel like the lowest, most vile creature on the planet either through the guilt of what I have done or, truly disgustingly, guilt that I don't feel more guilty.
I've betrayed my wife's trust and I've betrayed my dearest principles. The principles that have always defined me as a man. I don't know who I am anymore.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what got me to this point. The weariness of being on the road, loneliness, and a simple desire for human contact and companionship are all factors but not excuses. The flirtatious nature of my coworkers/team certainly doesn't help, but I am my own man and I am responsible for my actions. I love my wife and children and the thought that I've done something to endanger this most sacred part of my life fills me with dread.
I started this work travel prepared to sacrifice for the financial health of my family but it has cost so much of myself that I don't know how to recover. I am so ashamed that no matter what happens, I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I have done this thing. If someone had told me six months ago that I'd end up here I'd have taken them for a lunatic. I haven't told my wife as I think doing so may ease my burden only to transfer it to her.
I still have a few months of travel left and I don't know how I will survive...
