I hate myself :(

Funny it may seem, but i really hated myself lately. I am married for 5 yrs but during those 5 yrs it seemed that i never really learned to love my husband that much. Not to mention that i never really loved him even the first day we met. We married or i married him because it's my parents decision. I thought i would eventually learn to love him in time but i don't. What sucks is he wont let me go. I've talked to him many times about it, i want out, but he won't let me. I know in my heart if i won't go out of this relationship, i will hurt him more and more and i am also being unfair to him and to my self. I don't want to live in misery anymore. I don't want to live in mistake and chances anymore, im so tired of pretending and making my self believe that we can still make it through, that we ca make it happen... How can i ever make him understand how i really feel? How can i ever break it to him the most gentle way? How can i ever make him accept these things and let me go...

Question: was this an 'arranged' marriage? Did you know this man well or at all before you married? What is it about him that makes it that you are unable to have any feelings for him?

Just need a feel for the situation before I give you an opinion.

are you asian?

why is he not letting you go?

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Originally Posted by fallenAngel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How can i ever make him understand how i really feel? How can i ever break it to him the most gentle way? How can i ever make him accept these things and let me go...

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Seriously?

The Checklist:

- Gain 60+ pounds
- Always ask him for ice-cream or sweets
- Let yourself go, shower every leap-year, don't shave
- Dress like a mother, even if you don't have kids
- Be the most sexually unattractive woman in the world
- Don't cook
- Don't do anything around the house
- Find a piece of furniture like a sofa or love-seat and make it your new home
- Never get off that sofa or love-seat, be lazy
- Keep making demands (money, things for the house)
- Keep nagging at him about how everything he does bothers you
- Keep nagging about how you wish your parents would fix you with someone better
- Keep nagging about how you do so much for this family and he does nothing
- Keep asserting the fact that "you're my husband!" or "i'm your wife!" and make demands about what you think that means, what he should do, and what that "entitles you to".. assert it as fact.. like it's some law he can't argue against.. like these unrealistic and unreasonable demands of yours are infact your divine right..

Sooner or later, it's going to hit him... HE doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.. Not only will he file for divorce while it's still early.. but he'll carry you back to your parents and ask for a refund..

On the flip-side of that coin.. why did you agree to marry him if you didn't love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Hmm? To make your parents happy, because they've given you so much during your life.. (no i'm not Indian, just seen my fair share of Bollywood films).. In the movies.. you leave your husband and fall into the arms of the man of your dreams.. But in reality, there's a huge and complicated legal process in place, it's not that fluid, and there are no 500 songs in the backround..

Look, if you're getting advice from Americans, you're going to hear a lot of liberal ideas that I think are right, but then again, i'm American & European.. different ideology.. different idea of what is normal and what is right.. Talk to Indian parents, and this is disrespectful, dishonerable, immoral, selfish on your part.. How dare you disobey a simple request by your parents, to marry this stranger.. after all they have done for you.. shame on you.. That's the ideology that breeds such marriages.. Your free choice doesn't really matter, nor does your husband's free choice.. it's all part of some arrangement.. and you can't argue with it, it's up to the parents.. like a business deal.. and if you're the reason that business deal goes sour, then you're embarassing your family.. (look, i'm not saying I agree with it, I don't.. but what I think is right and wrong is consistent to everyone else's idea of what is right and wrong in this part of the world.. in other parts of the world, this liberal ideology can get you killed)

This is the problem with the introduction of American culture into Asia.. "divorce rates"..

There's good news though, why don't you tell us about some of the details of "why" you feel you can't love this man or live with him for the rest of your life, and we may be able to offer more useful insight into the issue.. maybe it's not as bad as you're making it out to be..

Best,

GrkScorp

I'm actually a good source on this topic, GS. My ex husband was Indian and I've been a part of the community for years. I know how the whole marriage/family/cultural values work. I also have many asian (as in chinese/korean/filipino) friends that have similar backgrounds in terms of values and cultural issues, and I've had to deal with their frustrations for years.

That's why I asked the poster the questions I did.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm actually a good source on this topic

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Hey hey.. easy.. I didn't say I didn't believe you..

I know Blue.. my ex of 3 years was Indian, and her parents were "not quite American".. I loved them though.. and let's just say that 70+% of accounting students are asian.. funny how I never grew to like asian girls.. but yes, it's a completely different culture and value system.. day and night between what we consider to be normal, right, or wrong.. though it has its charm..

Yikes, your ex was Indian.. the women are submissive, the guys are just.. well.. I think you know first hand how the guys are.. :P

At least the only thing I can really complain about were the 150+ bollywood movies I saw in 3 years.. It was so bad I actually knew what was going to happen, how the story would unfold in the most cheezy way possible.. when a song was about to come up.. etc..

If the OP is Indian, I think to make best of the situation, rent Bunty aur Bubbly and watch it..

Blue, were you forced to watch Bollywood films too?

I can't say that of all of them, I've met some great ones. My ex was not one of them. Back then though, I was the naive one that thought I'd gotten the one that was 'different'.

Strangely enough, his parents adored me, although they were straight out of a village in Punjab, and my mother in law spoke no English. However, his new gf is Filipino, divorced, and has a kid.......and they won't let her in the house. Divorcees with kids (oh, and asians to boot) just don't fall in with the whole value system. They keep trying to convince me to get back with him so he'll forget about the new gf. Ugh, no thanks.

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Originally Posted by fallenAngel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How can i ever make him understand how i really feel? How can i ever break it to him the most gentle way? How can i ever make him accept these things and let me go...

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Do you live in the west? If yes then the answer is very simple. You apply for divorce. Western "no fault" divorce laws will let you two seperate without his consent. These technicalities imo are the least of your worries.

Your biggest worry will be your conscience, hurting someone who apprently loves you so deeply. Wondering when you finally become single if there really is such thing as a perfect match if it's sometimes better just to settle and work out the differences.

Another question, do you have children?

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you live in the west? If yes then the answer is very simple. You apply for divorce. Western "no fault" divorce laws will let you two seperate without his consent. These technicalities imo are the least of your worries.

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I think the issue here Mish, is a cultural one. Any culture where a woman is forced to marry someone chosen by her parents makes it very very hard for the person to divorce.....unless it is completely mutual.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think the issue here Mish, is a cultural one. Any culture where a woman is forced to marry someone chosen by her parents makes it very very hard for the person to divorce.....unless it is completely mutual.

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Hmmm

I think I want to be part of that culture

Where do I sign up? :)

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hmmm

I think I want to be part of that culture

Where do I sign up? :)

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I don't know.. You may want to watch this video first before you make up your mind..

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=lFsDVdmwTbU"]YouTube - Bheega Bheega Sa... Chocolate[/ame]

Hey, it's not like I didn't enjoy ANY of the films I watched through the years.. ;)

I hate you too OP

break up are never easy. being that his wasn't your decisions will only give him the upper edge which is why he feels that he won't let go. he doesn't want his pride to be hurt because he feels that you belong to him, more or less. if he's not willing to listen then cheat on him. that's how i would do it because it doesn't seem like you're willing to tell him off.

raverboy

Guys, I appreciate all your advices. I know i really have to tell everything from the beginning. First of, I'm an asian and we have 2kids. The sole reason why it's so hard for me to leave- my kids. We married because my parents wants him for me. When my dad was hospitalized due to acute apendisitis(do i spell it correctly?gosh!) we don't have enough money to pay for the hospital bills, i was just starting a career back then. Im still supporting my 2 other siblings' studies not to mention being the bread winner in the family(my dad is a gambler my mom is a plain house wife),so i don't have extra money to pay for the hospital bill. Asking him for any favor is the last thing i would do, never realizing that my mom already talked to him and ask help to pay our hospital bill as it will get even higher if my dad would stay longer. He paid everything. The bill, medicine prescription and he even handed my mom cash for dad's food and other needs.That's how it all started. So whenever he visited or came into our house, mom and dad are the ones entertaining him. And then finally he asked me to marry him, of course i declined. I don't love him, for me marriage is sacred and i would only marry the one i love. But what can a good daughter do to object by her parents decision? Every day they always tell me he's the one i need-the one we need. Someone who can help me live a more comfortable life so i wont be needing to work for us anymore. Every time i'm in the house this is the usual conversation and im sick and tired of hearing all these. One day we found out that dad has a cancer and he needs special medication. First it doesnt bother me at all (financial matter) as my aunt (my dad's sis) who married a us navy and happens to be an american citizen used to send us money for his medication. Until one sad morning telling us that she can no longer send us money. They were robbed and their business went bankrupt. And there was him... he helped us with all dad's expensive medication. So i think things over and convinced myself that he is indeed the man i need. I might not feel anything for him yet but i know eventually when we get married i will learn to love him also. But i was wrong, coz the more i tried, the more i see reasons not to. Everyday i told myself i love him, I need him. Over and over and over again but it's really different when you're just loving the person because you are obliged to do so. The other person will eventually feel and realized it. And so he changed. He's so jealous. Especially during our first 6 mos of being together. Almost every month i changed sim card coz everytime he saw a male name registered on my phone, we'll fight. I can't even remember a time i went on a night out with friends that he's not with me. My friends call me boring. We always fight with simple things. So our first baby was born and i thought everything would change, but it didnt, it actually just made things even more complicated, worst and unmanageable. He don't want me taking care of the baby, he is jealous about the baby which i find absurd and abnormal. Most men are happy having a baby. He don't want me putting the baby in between us when we're sleeping and many more. So i confronted him. I want out. He doesnt want to. I can't even count how many times i tried asking him to let me go. All he do is promise me he would change but nothings really changed. So i cheat on him hoping that when he find out he'll get mad and let me go, hell no! he was mad but he never lets me go. so the second baby came but things get more and more complicated. He seldom went home-something that he never did for the last 5yrs of being married. No matter how bad our fight is, he still stays at home. I wrote a letter to him telling all that i want but he just send me an email saying he loves me, and because he do, he cant just let me go coz if he did its just as good as telling himself to die. I hate myself! I don't know what i did why he loves me so much. He loves me so much and it's killing me. I love the kids but i also love myself. I know i also love him because if i don't, perhaps, i'll just sit down, accept my fate and pretend that everything is fine. Since i know i love him(is it my heart or my conscience telling me this?), i know he deserves someone better. someone who will love him back the way he love me. Someone who will stay with him forever. Not me. Not me. Oh boy!Not me.I know if we'd stay together like this, we'll just continue hurting each other, and we'll probably end up hating each other. It's hard. It's breakin' me apart. I can't decide. I don't know what to do :(

....this is too much emotion and big decision...
i feel your pain, but i cant give an advise also...sorry.

:upset:

This is a tough situation - one wants out and anther won't give in.

Have you both tried MC?

foxyladee...what's MC?

What's MC?sorry dunu

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Originally Posted by fallenAngel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

foxyladee...what's MC?

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Marriage Counseling.

I know not a lot of people believe in counseling but it does help in tough situations. The thing is, if you're both o longer in love with one another - the best is to end it so that both of you can find happiness elsewhere. It's easier said than done but that's the only way to go to avoid living a miserable life.

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Originally Posted by fallenAngel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's hard. It's breakin' me apart. I can't decide. I don't know what to do :(

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It is hard. It's a difficult situation you are in. You are in a very narrow situation which also happens to be very emotionally charged. Not a very nice place to be.

There are your options as I see them:

1. Stay exactly as you are, as you already said not really an option

2. Get divorced without his consent (If it's at all possible in your country)

3. Find a way to work out and settle your differences with him for the sake of harmony and the kids.

Have you ever done a PMI? A very interesting process where you write down all of your options, break them down into positives and negatives and to each of these give a score out of 10. The option with the highest score left standing is the one you should be going for :)

First of all, it is very common for men to become jealous of a new baby, but they usually outgrow it.

How is your husband with the kids? Honesty, if he is good to you and the kids, I think you should make every effort to get over your issues. Kids do best when their parents are married, and that intense emotion of being "in love" is transitory.

I think you should look into some counseling.

Hello,

Yes, it's a hard situation, but it's not the end of the world either. My first suggestion is this: take a deep breath and smile, like this :)

Are you feeling better now? Then let's talk about your problem.

In Asia, as far as I'm concerned, marriage is very sacred and a divorce would bring shame to your family. This is one thing you would like to avoid.

You obviously don't like your husband too much either, but you are... "Since i know i love him(is it my heart or my conscience telling me this?), i know he deserves someone better. someone who will love him back the way he love me."... wishing him a good love. Why not your love? Are you sure you don't love him at all? Or are you thinking you don't deserve a loving husband?

Last, you have cheated on him and made a few other things on purpose to "have him dismiss you" and you feel guilty.

Now, he hasn't been a martyr either. He's a bother, he's jealous and he probably is as awful in bed as me (just kidding)... but... he's your husband, so why not give yourself a chance to love him again?

The easiest and most comfortable path to real love is called friendship. Try to stop thinking he's your husband and see him as a friend for a while. Seeing him as a friend will help you speak more freely than while feeling the pressure you might be feeling these days.

Have him behave like a friend with you too and he may start trusting you again. Build from there.

If you were single I would just say drop him, but marriage is something different. I always try to keep a marriage alive.

Hope this helps... and smile again :) Desperation is not really helping you.

Last, don't hate yourself. You are loved! Have you got any idea of how many people are dying for what you have?

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Originally Posted by Tedel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The easiest and most comfortable path to real love is called friendship. Try to stop thinking he's your husband and see him as a friend for a while.

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This is a good idea. I think you have a romanticized idea in your head about what marriage is supposed to be and you're fooling yourself. It's work. Sometimes it's boring. It's never like they show it on the Harlequin channel.

Let's talk about realities: how are you planning to support yourself if you get divorced? You're already supporting two siblings in their studies, your parents are not getting any younger and now there's no help from America. Do you have a plan? Does it involve your husband continuing to support you after you kick him to the curb? Are you hoping to find another guy who wants to marry you?

And what about these kids? I haven't heard you saying you want your husband to go away, I hear that you want "out". Do you want out of motherhood as well? Are you planning to leave the kids with him?

It sounds like your life is very frustrating to you, but I think you need to take a long hard look at the possibility that life without your husband wouldn't actually be better, just harder.

I'm not against the idea of divorce- I'm divorced with a child, myself. I just think you're living in a fantasy world where you think getting a divorce would solve all of your problems and it won't.

Right now i'm confused. But i really appreciate all your advices. It helps, though. My life's really a mess. I don't really know if i just hated him because i don't have privacy with him or because i can't do anything i want because he's always there. I know it would never be the same and easy without him, financially of course, but i still have my job and don't intend to give the kids to him. I will keep my kids and raise them myself. I might be self centered seeing only my own perspective and feelings but i guess hating him started out since the day i realized he hacked all my account. We're married yes, husband and wife so to speak but even though we're what we are, we're still two different individuals. My understanding is, i am still entitled of my own privacy-email privacy. Unfortunately, he hacked all my account and accessed it. He was even the first person to read my mails, not to mention with the text messages i had. He's always the first person reading it. Actually there(email) were he found out my affair with somebody else (no physical involvement just an online relationship). He reads all my mails and everything, something that i don't do to him. I even told him that i hate it when he spies at me but he don't listen and so i hated him more and more. Guess what guys, he just sent me an email today...letting me go, finally. Cool huh? Surprising it may seem, but he was able to read the blog i posted in this forum, as usual, he hacked my account again.What's new?. So now we're off. Honestly, it hurts, but somehow it's better this way. At least he knows. I might not have the chance of telling him personally but through this site i guess we already resolved the issue. I'll start my walk from here guys. Thank you so much.

Honestly, if I were your neighbour, I'd have a word with your husband and tell him that a***ole that if he doesn't stop behaving like an insecure baby, he will lose his wife.

As for you, come on! You have marital problems and you have e-mail affairs with someone else?

In short: I see he's getting more jealous because you are giving him reasons to be like that. You are feeling more miserable because you are feeling more control than love. You two are closing a circle of distrustfulness you need to break before it destroys your family.

If you think he's actually going to let you walk away with the kids, you're fooling yourself. He sounds like an emotionally unstable person. He could turn out to be incredibly vindictive.

Protect yourself. Watch your back. If he takes you to court and wants a divorce due to infidelity, he might have a case for keeping the kids, depending on where you live.

You need to get a lawyer immediately.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Protect yourself. Watch your back. If he takes you to court and wants a divorce due to infidelity, he might have a case for keeping the kids, depending on where you live.

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Actually on that

If he seeks a divorce due to infidelity he might have a very good case. Think about it. Technically (from legal point of view) he has done nothing wrong. And he probably has all the evidence he needs of said infidelity to prove it beyond reasonable doubt due to all the account hacking. So, if he wanted to he could make things very very difficult for you Fallen Angel and be justified in his actions from the social perspective. I would think very carefully about your next move. If I were you I'd be thinking through every single day of the next 5 years.

What is it exactly that your husband has done besides hack your email?

Sounds to me like he may have had some cause for suspicion.

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Originally Posted by tedel

In short: I see he's getting more jealous because you are giving him reasons to be like that. You are feeling more miserable because you are feeling more control than love. You two are closing a circle of distrustfulness you need to break before it destroys your family.

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This^, right on the money.

No offense, but you sound a bit like a young thing that has read too many romance novels. Marriage is HARD WORK. Friendship & love don't just 'happen', you do things to make it happen & KEEP it happening.

You have children. You have a commitment to them & to your marriage. I'm not saying your husband doesn't have issues, I'm sure he does but it sounds to me like he's fighting for his marriage & you're just trying to do things to destabilize it. Go to counselling, seek advice from an expert who can give you some ideas to improve your communication. Even if you split, you have things you need to learn about yourself so you don't carry them into your next relationship. Good luck.

Indireloader:What is it exactly that your husband has done besides hack your email?

There is so much to enumerate but let me tell you the real big thing. He made me believed that he's the man i need. That i can count on him, financially. Ever since i was a kid i always thought of marrying a man who could give me a more comfortable life-doesnt really mean marrying a rich man, someone who can give me the comfort and pleasures of life i never experienced having during my entire childhood years is enough. I can't blame myself. I grew up in a poor family. My father is a gambler and mom is just a plain housewife. Thinking that somehow having him in my life would make a little difference, i obeyed my parents decision to marry him. Few weeks before our marriage something happened to us and after that he told me everything about him...he had almost 10 yrs relationship with his live- in partner and had 3kids. I can't really described how painful it was and can't imagine the shame i am about to face if my family and friends would learn about what had happened to us and so knowing the truth about him. I was so afraid but more of feeling the shame for the situation i was in.Not to mention the fact that i would get pregnant and if he won't marry me it will cause much shame not just for myself but for my family as well. I never told any body about this at first even my closest friend, not even to any one of my family. So we got married, but i promised my self that he won't be happy with me. I want revenge for the lies he told me and putting me in a situation where i don't have any choice but to choose the most convenient way for him. So during our entire marriage life, i can no longer count the times we almost had to go our separate ways. Countless times. And then there was this financial problem we still have to face. It's very irritating on my part because i thought he can raise our family well. But then i came to a point where i don't want to work anymore. I just want to take care of the kids but i can't because if i stop working we won't be able to eat meals anymore. He lost his job and i was only the one working, making a living. In return i expect him to do the household chores but no, i'm still the one working at home when i get back from work. I still have to take care of the kids before i sleep and go to bed...him? He will just sit in front of the computer and that's all. Im so tired of doing these and that for me, for him, for my family. I accepted everything about him and i learned to forgive him for all the lies and all but with the laziness, i can't just watch him sit all day and me working all night long. He should be the one working for the family in the first place,not me. At first he was a good provider and i appreciate that. That's why i guess i was able to learn to love him because even if we don't really started out right he's been a responsible man even though we fight a lot we still end up holding on to each other. I guess,partly, it was also my fault, because i expected too much of him... Anyways, since i don't have him in my life now, i will just start a new. I still don't know what i really wanted for my life right now. Perhaps just focus on my career and kids. It helps venting out feelings you can't say:D

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Originally Posted by fallenAngel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So we got married, but i promised my self that he won't be happy with me. I want revenge for the lies he told me and putting me in a situation where i don't have any choice but to choose the most convenient way for him.

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Hmmm

How long have you had this view? Can you perhaps attribute some of the problems in your marriage for this vindictive feeling you carried with you since the beginning? I ask because the idea of marriage is one of cooeperation, synergy, solving problems together without this or with a malicious frame of mind or intent it can be a kiss of death for the entire relationship.

I understand what you're saying though about you being the sole provider, it must be very difficult for you. It sounds like you are very unhappy in this partnership.

If he wants you to stay that bad then he must stop being lazy. Marriage is a partnership. Your resentment is understandable. You`re right, you can`t do everything by yourself, you need cooperation. Try talking to him and make it clear to him this is a serious issue. If that doesn`t work, try counseling. If that fails, divource. Since you are already in the marriage with two kids and you are afraid that your family will look down on you, you should try to make it work in your best efforts. But if all else fails, divource is not too bad. Kids grow up fine with single parents dispite all the myths. You might feel guilty that he had helped you and your family out in the very beginning. The fact that you married him in the first place is because he made an impression that he would be a good husband and provider for you and your kids. But if later down the road, he changes then he is no longer that kind of person you thought he is. That is already a good enough reason to seperate (for your own good and also for the kids).

I know i need to talk to him regarding this but after he sent me an email,letting me go... i'm afraid i don't have reason to initiate the first move. :sad2:

Why is that?