Boyfriend Not Passionate Enough- Need a Male Perspective

Hey guys, am new here, just looking for some guys' views on this...

I've been with my BF for about 6 monthes (we're both in our early 20's). Things are great, we love each other and get on really well, etc, etc. Now, the problem is he's very closed off with his feelings. I have to drag nearly everything out of him. I said "I love you" first and he doesn't say it to me very much unless I say it first. He is really affectionate and sweet, but I just feel like he never really opens up or is vulnerable around me... well, he did tell me about the very dark past he has and a few things he said he never told anyone... but still, i can't shake the feeling he that he wont open up to me. Is this just a macho thing? Is it just how guys are?

Now, recently I did something really stupid. I let another guy kiss me ( when I was drunk, at party) for about ten seconds then basically ran away from him, upset about my boyfriend. I felt terrible and told my BF straight away... but he didn't care at all. :surprised He wasn't a bit angry, upset or sad. I would say he forgave me immediately but he wasn't even mad at me to begin with... surely there should have been some reaction if he really liked me? also, I didn't set out to do it to mke him jealous, or anything.

One other thing that irks me is he told me he was in love with / infatuated with his best friend when they were teenagers, but she didn't feel the same way. He said he would have done anything for her. He told her how he felt about her ( how I'd love for him to be that emotionally honest with me!) and she rejected him and broke his heart basically... I know it's unfair but I feel jealous. It's like he really loved her and I don't know if I even come close to how he felt about her.


any views guys?

Just that you did something stupid but if you are really sorry life goes on and if he isn't giving you what you want then you will find it somewhere else and why some guys don't get that I don't understand. past relationships are ****ed up because I do not know one person who out of guys anyeays does not think of their first love on a regular basis U dion't know why even me sometimes i dream of my first love and wake up thinking what a nightmare lol. just stay honest and everything will flow forward thats how i do and i am a guy lol

I'm not male, but I think you are asking too much in expecting him to verbalize his feelings to you. Many, many males just simply don't do that, and quite frankly, if they did, women probably wouldn't like them.

I think what you probably REALLY want is for him to gush about how much he loves you, how he can't live without you, blah blah blah. I think if he did this, given the fact that you recently made out with someone else, he would be making himself too vulnerable. You are a poor risk right now, what with your needing more attention than he feels comfortable giving.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cheeze_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just that you did something stupid but if you are really sorry life goes on and if he isn't giving you what you want then you will find it somewhere else and why some guys don't get that I don't understand. past relationships are ****ed up because I do not know one person who out of guys anyeays does not think of their first love on a regular basis U dion't know why even me sometimes i dream of my first love and wake up thinking what a nightmare lol. just stay honest and everything will flow forward thats how i do and i am a guy lol

---

Yeah that's what I was afriad of (re: him thinking about his first love)... though he says I'm the first girl he ''really'' loved ( whatever that means).... yet he seemed to actually be able to tell this friend how he felt about her and be vulnerable
around her, but not me. They don't seak anymore, they don't ever seem to like each other anymore.... but I don't know, it just annoys me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not male, but I think you are asking too much in expecting him to verbalize his feelings to you. Many, many males just simply don't do that, and quite frankly, if they did, women probably wouldn't like them.

I think what you probably REALLY want is for him to gush about how much he loves you, how he can't live without you, blah blah blah. I think if he did this, given the fact that you recently made out with someone else, he would be making himself too vulnerable. You are a poor risk right now, what with your needing more attention than he feels comfortable giving.

---

Yeah, I'll admit that's the kinda stuff I want to hear from him. I know kissing the other guy was really bad, but I felt this way about my BF long before that happened so I don't really know how much that has to do with him not opening up, but I do see your point.

Maybe I am asking too much of him.... but my ex would always say emotional stuff like that to me and I really liked it. It just reassured me that he felt the same way s I did. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to hear it 24/7 to flatter my ego, but not having to drag it out of my BF all the time would be nice :P

Thanks for your replies , gys. :-)

It's not a fair comparison to compare yourself to his best friend he has known his whole life and you that he has been dating for six months. However, he is going to have to open up at some point if you want this to move forward. If you are looking for more and aren't getting the results you need, you are probably going to have to keep looking. Or you can settle with what you have now and work with what you got.

You already have been in a compromising situation and you have failed. What's to say it wouldn't happen again? You feel more guilty of looking like a bad girlfriend then actually caring to hurt his feelings, wouldn't you say? Just some things to think about.

If you want to go out and have fun, do so. You can't have both fun and something serious to come home to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cmacattack1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's not a fair comparison to compare yourself to his best friend he has known his whole life and you that he has been dating for six months. However, he is going to have to open up at some point if you want this to move forward. If you are looking for more and aren't getting the results you need, you are probably going to have to keep looking. Or you can settle with what you have now and work with what you got.

---

Yeah, maybe i am asking too much or being immature about the whole thing. Should I just stop attempting to get him to express himself? I guess that's just the way he is and I can't change him. I do know I'm being unfair by bringing up his friend ( I don't know if he has known her his whole life, but cetainly a few years.) It's not that I'm jealous of him loving her exactly ( he has had other girlfriends, and yet these don't bother me at all). It's just the fact he was able to open up to her, completely unprovoked by her, with the risk of rejection and all, and yet he can't be open with me... maybe I should give it time.

Thanks for your perspective.

Have you considered the possibility that perhaps he just doesn't feel the same sort of connection to you that he does other people?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you considered the possibility that perhaps he just doesn't feel the same sort of connection to you that he does other people?

---

Do you mean he doesn't feel the same way about me as he did about his friend? It does seem like he loved her more... though he says he feels like he really loved me, and it was more infatuation with her... something doesn't add up between
what he's saying and he actions though.

Or did you mean something different? :-)

Oh, and just another little anecdote to illustrate my point ;) one time me and BF were cuddling after having sex, we were just talking about different things ( and we could talk for hours about anything, that's the funny thing about all this ) and I half- jokingly said to him "So, what are you feeling right now?" He kinda laughed and said he didn't like talking about "girly" stuff. :surprised i laughed and said "having feelings isn't girly" and he just said " i don't have feelings, well, not many. I just have enough time in my day for work, seeing my friends and maybe some sports, i dont have time for feelings!" I kinda laughed it off, but thought it was a bit strange since he clearly does have feelings for me, and other people , and he especially had feelings for his friend at one point!

I don't know. I won't be trying to get him to express himself like that anymore. Just wondering what you guys think. :-)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Notoi1989 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

One other thing that irks me is he told me he was in love with / infatuated with his best friend when they were teenagers, but she didn't feel the same way. He said he would have done anything for her. He told her how he felt about her ( how I'd love for him to be that emotionally honest with me!) and she rejected him and broke his heart basically... I know it's unfair but I feel jealous. It's like he really loved her and I don't know if I even come close to how he felt about her.

---

This is probably why he isn't very open with his feelings. The first female that he really had feeling for shut him down when he opened up to her. Some people take rejection a lot harder than others, moreso when it happens the first time they really open up to someone. I can see why you'd feel jealous, but that was then. If he were really expressive with someone NOW and still not opening up to you that would be a problem, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Some guys are raised to believe that showing emotions is a weak or feminine quality. I know, it's ridiculous, but they grow up to be stoic and out-of-touch with their feelings. When the self-control cracks and the feelings emerge, it can be scary.

^^^ So true, so true. You always have something insightful to say. Fortunately I never let myself be squeezed into that mould because I saw long ago that it is counterproductive in a relationship.

I think this sentence above sums it all up: If you want to go out and have fun, do so. You can't have both fun and something serious to come home to. You have no say in his friendships or his feelings. By making that mistake you forfeit all rights. Its a wonder he still speaks to you at all.

It either seems he's not really that into you or he's like me and isnt an emotional person. my gf asks me allthe time how im feeling about her and i just make stuff up to satisfy her ego cos most of the time im not feeling anything (actually most of the time ive got like a tune going on in my head or wondering what im gona have for dinner), so dont sweat the guy or pressure him into it. if you want a more emotionally sensitive person then give him more time or leave him and go be with someone else.

i do find the cheating thing wierd though, if my girlfriend did that i'd get rid of her faster that a speeding bullet...maybe he's not that into you and he's got someone else? although dont accuse him of that unless you have clear evidence!

I think guys tend to have difficulty expressing feelings, to a girl they really aren't into.
Kinda puts them in an awkward spot and they don't know what to say/how to react.

I'm sure there will be men out there who would have no trouble at all, saying I love you to the woman in their lives and if they genuinely loved her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Some guys are raised to believe that showing emotions is a weak or feminine quality. I know, it's ridiculous, but they grow up to be stoic and out-of-touch with their feelings. When the self-control cracks and the feelings emerge, it can be scary.

---

So, that's saying that a man can have feelings for the woman in his life, but he won't tell her?

I've yet to meet this man who won't and doesn't show feelings.

For the most part is is taught that being in touch with one's emotions is "womanly", and that is often equated to weakness. Some men conform to this way of thinking, others do not. I personally do not. People are people no matter what gender. Humans have emotions and need to express them in one way or another at one time or another. I think it is truly sad when men believe and go along with the notion that they have no emotions or that they shouldn't express them.. THAT is real weakness, compliance to a societal stereotype to appear "normal".

^^ I could never be with a guy who played 'hard man' all the time, who didn't show or communicate feeling.

Like I said, I've only ever been in serious relationship with guys who had no problem showing feelings and without any prompting, or forcework from me. These guys would even cry. To see a guy cry, is one of the most touching things.

When I was in high school I asked many girls what they thought of a man crying (not over something trivial, but something really moving or painful). Most said that they'd lose all respect for him as a man and would never consider tham as relationship worthy. One girl went on to say that if her boyfriend ever cried for anything that she'd vomit and leave him for a "real" man. Like I said this is a notion that is thrown upon males from all sides, not just other males. Here in th US it is normal for women to complain about their men not expressing their feelings. Some men do so in private, but won't even hug, kiss, or hold hands in public because of the fear of being viewed as feminine (and therefore weak). I don't agree with the notion at all.

Some men talk about their feelings and are passionate. Some men aren't. Accept your boyfriend for who he is and if you can't, get a new boyfriend.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When I was in high school I asked many girls what they thought of a man crying (not over something trivial, but something really moving or painful). Most said that they'd lose all respect for him as a man and would never consider tham as relationship worthy. One girl went on to say that if her boyfriend ever cried for anything that she'd vomit and leave him for a "real" man. Like I said this is a notion that is thrown upon males from all sides, not just other males. Here in th US it is normal for women to complain about their men not expressing their feelings. Some men do so in private, but won't even hug, kiss, or hold hands in public because of the fear of being viewed as feminine (and therefore weak). I don't agree with the notion at all.

---

How terrible that they would get rid of a guy for having a working range of emotions... Yuck. While I've never seen my boyfriend cry, I've seen him become deeply upset by things. And I've seen how concerned he becomes during serious conversations. That shows me that what I'm saying is important to him. I've had guys do the whole manly, emotional shut down thing and it's incredibly frustrating to deal with.

On the flip side, I'm not one to incessantly ask my boyfriend, "What are you thinking/feeling?" Maybe during an emotional moment of some kind, but if we're watching a baseball game together and the Sox are behind, I'm pretty sure I know what he's feeling. If you find that your guy isn't showing a deeper level of affection for you than you'd like, then you need to bring it up. Perhaps he isn't over the hurt this other chick caused him. Then that's unfair to you. You deserve to be with someone who can give you their own 100%, not just some leftover emotions.

Hello Dear ,

so sad your Boyfriend not Passionate Enough you , i think you can suggest Viagra or anything else.