Low blow or am I overreacting?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Over the last few months, his negativity/constant complaints/pessimistic viewpoints have been weighing me down immensely and I find it difficult to be happy and upbeat when I’m around him. For the first time this weekend, he noticed I seemed “down” (he may have noticed before but this was the first time he’s really consulted with me about it – Other than asking the simple “what’s wrong?”) He asked me why I seem unhappy most of the time. I tried to explain to him, in the nicest way possible, that being around someone who is constantly negative, pessimistic, angry, easily irritated and judgmental makes it difficult for me to remain in high spirits. Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will act like a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / he gets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaks negatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost every situation. When I explained how I felt, he quickly told me not to blame him for the fact that I am on anti-depressants. He says that he’s not to blame for my depression problems. I am on anti-depressants and have been for a while, but they are mild and I am not depressed and haven’t been in a long time. If he could see how I am around other people, he would realize that I am “happy” and “upbeat” and that my anti-depressants aren’t the “issue” here. Do I have the right to be offended and hurt that he would take a sensitive matter like this and throw it in my face? Not just because he wouldn’t accept responsibility, but the fact that this came off as such a low blow.. What are your thoughts?

Given his ongoing attitude to life, this most recent comment was just more of the same from him. He's basically a massive dickhead.

After reading this post and your previous post together, I have to ask "why are you with him?" Serious question. You're not at all happy and he's not good husband or father material. So why are you still there?

I think you should just leave him and actually do the experiment to see if you need anti-depressants when he's no longer sucking the joy out of you.

I agree with the others... Are you sure the antidepressants aren't just making his boorish behavior tolerable? Wouldn't it be better to have a boyfriend that didn't make medication seem like an acceptable option?

Sounds like he makes you miserable and if happy with others and NOT him - breaking up is a good idea.

I have to be honest... I've gotta side with the general consensus here. No, you were NOT wrong or overreacting to be upset over the way he acted. He asks you if you are okay/what is wrong, then when you are honest with him (and it doesn't sound like you were overly accusatory or blaming him, but just that you were honest) he just throws it in your face. HE asked you what was wrong, then you tell him and he just belittles you for it?

This fella also sounds SO MUCH like my ex. She, too, was so ridiculously negative that it started to affect me too and drag me down with her. She could NEVER be happy and could NEVER enjoy anything. There was always a complaint, always a rude and/or hateful comment about something or somebody. She could never just enjoy anything. What's worse is she realize it and didn't care to do anything to deal with her issues, for her own self as much as for me and others around her.

Bottom line, you need to worry about you. Your significant other should be one of the things in life that makes you deliriously happy. They should never be one of the things dragging you down. If he can't realize he has problems and do anything to fix it (again, as much for his own self as for those around him).... If his negativity starts to drag you down with him.... You owe it to yourself to care enough about yourself to get out of the situation.

It took me much longer than it should have to finally realize I deserved so much better. Please don't make the same mistake. Now, am I saying you give up right now? Not necessarily. If you think it may be worth it, try sitting him down for a serious talk. Maybe he doesn't realize how negative he is. You may actually open his eyes and help him to realize that he doesn't deserve to live such a negative life (just as much as you and others around him don't deserve to have to be around it).

If he just hurls more abuse at you for just trying to help him, then that tells you all you need to know. Bottom line, though, whether it is right now or whether you try to give him a chance to realize the err of his ways first, you need to care about yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to be around such negativity. You deserve somebody who lifts you up, not drags you down with them. Good luck to you.

I'm hesitant to join in on the lob BF under the bus campaign, despite the OPs seemingly damming testimony here as to her guy's poor behavior. My rationale is that this post has a decidedly different tone than the OP's previous post about the same guy. That one, to me at least, seemed much more objective in content and pragmatic about differences between them, going so far as to question her own role in the problems between them. This one is borderline character assassination based on his behavior "Over the last few months", despite the fact that these posts are only EIGHT days apart.

I think it's totally understandable for you to feel upset that he said that to you. Depression and taking antidepressants are really sensitive subjects and not something to be talked about so lightly. He went from being defensive to blaming you for the issue :/ I would try telling him in another conversation that it's not ok for him to say something like that to you. Don't bring up the other issues (his negativity, anger, and irritability) and just focus on that one comment about the antidepressants.

On a side note, does he just act this way all the time or only on certain occasions? If he brings you down 24/7, then you might want to think about why you're together and if you're getting enough positivity and support from the relationship. I haven't read your other post, so I'm just going off of what you said here.

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Originally Posted by vanillacupcake [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... his negativity/constant complaints/pessimistic viewpoints have been weighing me down immensely and I find it difficult to be happy and upbeat when I’m around him.

....that being around someone who is constantly negative, pessimistic, angry, easily irritated and judgmental makes it difficult for me to remain in high spirits. Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will act like a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / he gets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaks negatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost every situation.

What are your thoughts?

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Why don't you do another observational experiment? Does he only behave this way when he has to spend money or when he missed any good sale? Being the cheapskate that he is, I bet most of his aggravation stems from having to spend money ;)

Perhaps it is even easier to diagnose if BF uses the terms "sheeple", "debt slave", or "debt slavery". If BF expresses the notion that debt is not "money" or that only gold and silver are or can be "money".

maybe the BF is depressed and is acting out in unjust ways as a cry for help type thing. Who knows. Maybe this is simply a case of two people no longer grooving together hence the shyte attitudes sneaking in from both towards the within. again, who knows. The great Who? who knows.

But I will say, life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't bring out the best in one's self no matter who's throwing what or how it's being thrown.

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I'm hesitant to join in on the lob BF under the bus campaign, despite the OPs seemingly damming testimony here as to her guy's poor behavior. My rationale is that this post has a decidedly different tone than the OP's previous post about the same guy. That one, to me at least, seemed much more objective in content and pragmatic about differences between them,

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^^^ The bottom line is: "She finds herself having difficulty being happy around him." Time to do the experiment and see if she cheers up after he's gone.

She also said this: "He has positive qualities, but at this point, I don’t think they outweigh the negative."

...but chose not to elaborate, or even address the numerous comments her previous thread garnered. Instead she started a new thread with a new post that has a decisively negative slant. It comes off more as venting than advice seeking when follow up questions are ignored and feedback commentary is seemingly disregarded.

If I could ask one single question of the OP it would be simply: What changed a few months ago?

I'm sure Jeffery Dalmer had some positive qualities too. Ha!

Anyway... time for a change which I doubt she'll bother making. Those that are fed up just leave... they don't ask strangers "do I have a right to be offended?"

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Originally Posted by solarion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm hesitant to join in on the lob BF under the bus campaign, despite the OPs seemingly damming testimony here as to her guy's poor behavior. My rationale is that this post has a decidedly different tone than the OP's previous post about the same guy. That one, to me at least, seemed much more objective in content and pragmatic about differences between them, going so far as to question her own role in the problems between them. This one is borderline character assassination based on his behavior "Over the last few months", despite the fact that these posts are only EIGHT days apart.

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Seriously?! This is not the first time this has happened to me.

Okay, so news flash folks. I don't mean to be rude, but.....

We don't all memorize every thread we see here, who posted it, all the responses we gave and others gave, etc. Heck. Some of us may miss threads here and there. It could be possible we are seeing your newest thread without ever having seen your old thread. If you are still discussing the same topic, please don't open a new thread. Discuss on the existing thread. If it IS a new topic, but is sort of related/relevant to the old topic, please at least reference that you posted before.

I, for one, don't have time to dig through each poster's past threads to see the history. I am only able to respond based on what is shared in each particular thread. If it is true that the OP has another thread out there that paints the BF in a much less negative light, that could change my thoughts on the whole thing. Throw me a frickin' bone here people. (Dr. Evil. Gotta love him. LOL!)

I will say, it still doesn't change that I think it is NOT okay to go around being such a negative person like your BF has been. If maybe there are reasons he's been driven to that, then maybe it isn't just in his nature to be so negative. If that is the case, then maybe he does just need to step back and realize he is doing that and it needs to stop.

If it is just in his nature to be so ridiculously negative (much like my ex) then it may be best just to take out the trash, move on, and find yourself a fella who can appreciate the good times when he has them, rather than finding a reason to complain about absolutely everything.

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Originally Posted by vanillacupcake [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do I have the right to be offended and hurt that he would take a sensitive matter like this and throw it in my face? Not just because he wouldn’t accept responsibility, but the fact that this came off as such a low blow.. What are your thoughts?

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Everyone has the "right" to be hurt or offended when unjustly criticized. Sometimes we respond by lashing out at the critic, much as your BF did toward you. It's a low blow, but he might not notice the negative aura he puts out toward others.

Is he a good guy for you? Hrmmm, maybe, maybe not.
For one, I have to ask what you said when he asked "What's wrong?" Was his behavior the cause? Did you actually tell him what was wrong? How did he react? Did you listen to his reaction?
Also, how does he act toward you? Is he just as negative, pessimistic, angry, and judgmental about you? Has he called you a name or been angry at you? On topics, is he entirely negative or just have a realistic opinion?

I'm not going to give Grade A+ advice on your depression, because I've never considered myself depressed or certified to give advice to those who have depression. I deal with negative people by being (not acting) positive around them. It's no simple task, and there's lots of reflection afterward, but it helps.

That is a great point. Sometimes if somebody seems to be a negative person, just being positive around them and not allowing them to drag you down can actually help them to get out of that funk. You become their positive influence. To me, that is the different between being a negative person (somebody who just always HAS to see the darkside of everything) and somebody who is just maybe suffering through some rough times.

All of us suffer through tough times, and I guarantee none of us are our best, most cheery selves during those times. The difference being that we can eventually see our way out of that and the negativity will cease, at least for the most part. Then there are those people who can just never be happy. They could have everything handed to them on a silver platter, getting everything they could possibly want in life...... and they'd complain that the platter should have been gold or platinum. Those, to me, are negative people. They can never just appreciate what they have and always have to have some reason to complain.

So, I guess the trick is figuring out which is the case for your fella. Is he a negative person, or just a person currently suffering through a lot of negative experiences?

Because, on the other side of the coin, don't mistake somebody who unfortunately currently HAS a lot of reasons to complain for just being somebody who complains too much. There is a BIG difference. I know for me personally, it is one of my HUGE pet peeves for somebody to belittle my LEGITIMATE reasons for being upset by accusing me of being a complainer, or telling my BS like I should just "get over it," or something like that. Sometimes there ARE legitimate reasons to be upset, and sometimes we suffer through too many all at once. Don't mistake somebody that is just suffering through a lot of crap for being the same as somebody who finds reasons to complain in everything. That said, also don't make the opposite mistake. There are some people who can just never be happy, and you shouldn't allow them to drag you down with them.

Jester, I very much agree that one can be in a bad place temporarily (bullying at work, illness of self/partner etc) and there's just the downright negative people.

When it comes to telling the difference between the two, I think the OP summed up the qualities of a downright negative person in her opening post >> Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will act like a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / he gets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaks negatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost every situation. <<

Conversely, my usually upbeat husband has been reconsidering his job because he doesn't like it. My best friend's marriage broke up. While they have both needed to vent about stuff, they haven't started doing road rage or generally hating at all and sundry.

At any rate, I'd run a mile someone who behaved like the OPs partner. I couldn't even be their friend because they'd suck the joy out of life.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I will say, it still doesn't change that I think it is NOT okay to go around being such a negative person like your BF has been. If maybe there are reasons he's been driven to that, then maybe it isn't just in his nature to be so negative. If that is the case, then maybe he does just need to step back and realize he is doing that and it needs to stop.

If it is just in his nature to be so ridiculously negative (much like my ex) then it may be best just to take out the trash, move on, and find yourself a fella who can appreciate the good times when he has them, rather than finding a reason to complain about absolutely everything.

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The point the guy you're quoting was making is that her allegations itt might be bullshit. And if that's the case then everything you're saying here is null and void and the fault lies with OP, not her bf. That said I didn't read the other thread so I won't make any assumptions either way unless someone cares to post a link so I can get a little more perspective here.

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Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The point the guy you're quoting was making is that her allegations itt might be bullshit. And if that's the case then everything you're saying here is null and void and the fault lies with OP, not her bf. That said I didn't read the other thread so I won't make any assumptions either way unless someone cares to post a link so I can get a little more perspective here.

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The OP has a whopping two posts and hasn't bothered to address any of the 22 responses she has collectively received in response. Too busy might have been a reasonable excuse, right up to the point that the OP started this thread whining about the same BF without even bothering with the comments her previous thread had garnered. I suspect the OP is just venting and/or making excuses for her own behavior. We don't know much because she never follows up and BF is likely unaware these threads exist, so we shouldn't expect his version of events anytime soon.

Seems I'm still on newbie "probation" for 14 days, so you'll have to fix this link or get the OP's other post from her profile.

ht tps://w w w.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/96108-cheap-frugal-boyfriend.html?highlight=#post1017476

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Originally Posted by solarion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

ht tps://w w w.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/96108-cheap-frugal-boyfriend.html?highlight=#post1017476

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tl;dr so I'm bowing out of this one. Thanks for the link tho.

OH COME ON MAN?!? Think of the child...er...dirty laundry! lol

In retrospect I should've behaved similarly. Nillasnackcake(sp?) doesn't seem to care one way or another.

She probably made kissy kissy with the bf so this is meaningless to her now LoL.

...meanwhile we're over here still trying to get her laid. What a bunch of schmucks we turned out to be. :)

LoL!!
She might pop back for a one post thanks all note.

Basil,

You do make a good point. Still, sometimes when somebody gets crapped on by life too much all in a row, it can turn them into a negative person in all other aspects of their life. That said, I do kind of agree with you that the examples the OP claims her boyfriend is displaying does strike me more as him being a negative person, and not just him being a good person who has just been kicked into the mud by life way too much recently.

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Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The point the guy you're quoting was making is that her allegations itt might be bullshit. And if that's the case then everything you're saying here is null and void and the fault lies with OP, not her bf. That said I didn't read the other thread so I won't make any assumptions either way unless someone cares to post a link so I can get a little more perspective here.

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Exactly. What I had not realized (because I don't have time to dig through everybody's entire history as a poster here when I respond to a thread) is that the OP already had another thread that perhaps may have put things in a different light.

You are definitely correct that, if the OP is not being completely honest, that would very possibly change my opinion and make what I had said before null and void. Even so, I personally tend to err on the side of responding to threads at face value unless I feel pretty certain it is BS. I figure:

A) If the person is being legitimately 100% honest, I want to provide them with my sincere thoughts and advice.
B) Even if they are NOT being 100% honest, or maybe even the story is completely fabricated, maybe somebody else will benefit from the thoughts and advice we provide if they actually are facing similar issues to what the perhaps bogus story claims.

I just wanted to add that my terminology was probably a bit off. I see the behaviour described by the OP as being aggressive rather than negative. While the negativity would be a real issue, it's the aggression which would see me run a mile. Such behaviour would scare me.

Good point. There is certainly a big difference between passive negativity and aggressive negativity. Aggressive negativity is definitely a much bigger red flag. Still, even the passive negativity can be enough, in my personal opinion, to be a breaking point.

Read & understand vanillabean's criticisms of her BF from her other thread that she seemingly doesn't care about. BF is freaked out about what he believes to be an economic tsunami and is likely stressed out about it. Add to that the fact that his GF of over 2 years questions his belief system. That's why I say, this thread is far less objective and does not, for me, exist in a vacuum.

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His excuses: The economy is going down the toilet/Obama has ruined the country/there’s no opportunities these days/it’s too difficult to find a decent job in South Florida if you aren’t bilingual/he doesn’t have a college education/And my favorite: The world is going to end soon anyway (he’s a conspiracy theorist and believes the end times are upon us).

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I am not a gold digger.

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...apparently someone accused her of being a gold digger.

I mean, in fairness, those complaints make me wonder if he's one of those super annoying conspiracy theorists who always has to have this elaborate explanation for how the world is out to get them, and THAT is why they don't have a job or whatever other crap. One of those people who, instead of admitting his own faults and trying to better himself, instead all the crappy things that happen to him are anybody and everybody's fault but his own.

Then again, to your point, he could actually have legit concerns about the economy and she is just unsupportive of his ideas/ideals. So, I can definitely see how you might interpret it as such.

He had a job in that thread...lack of ambition didn't seem to be the issue. As to BFs belief system and the dismissive term "conspiracy theory" well, suffice to say that imo the movies "The Matrix" & "1984" are more reality than fiction. The vast majority of Americans are absolutely clueless about nearly everything macro-economic and don't want to know about world events in my experience. We live in a bubble in this nation, where everybody is trained to seek out "money" and almost nobody has a clue what "money" is, where it comes from, or what the future of "money" holds. There's a disturbing lack of critical thought, and instead we exist moment to moment, and paycheck to paycheck. Those with differing viewpoints are quickly labelled and dismissed as crackpots, loners, nuts, or "conspiracy theorists", this is easily accomplished when normalcy bias is the order of the day. Nearly everyone knows SOMETHING is very wrong, they just lack the ambition or courage to figure out what it is. Eastern culture, where hard money(commodity money) with zero counterparty risk is still recognized and appreciated, is far more pragmatic(and enlightened) in this regard.

Don't misunderstand. I may not know much about all that myself, but I don't deny the fact that this world is and can be a pretty insane place. There ARE legitimately crazy things that people either just flat out accept, or that they just don't know about and can't be bothered to learn about.

The thing is, there are also nut job conspiracy theorists who make a mockery of actually informed and intelligent individuals. There are also negative people who can find blame for their hard times in anybody and anything as long as it is not them. In their own world, they are the picture of perfection. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth, and they use their "conspiracies" as a crutch and an excuse to refuse to accept that they are to blame for their situation.

To me, there is a big difference between them and folks who actually know what they are talking about.

Big distinction in my book.

Agreed. There's a world of difference between someone playing the blame game(victim complex), which is usually embraced from a first person perspective and an informed "conspiracy theorist" who seemingly believes what he/she is saying. I submit that BF was portrayed as primarily the latter in the OP's previous post.

The term "conspiracy theorist" fascinates me, because it is always intended in a derogatory + dismissive fashion, yet there's nothing judgmental in either word individually. A conspiracy is merely more than one individual "conspire-ing" which is normal human behavior(we are social creatures by default) and a theory is simply a working hypothesis...like the "theory" of evolution. Put these two innocuous words together though and they = crackpot. It's an interesting case study in the manipulation of perception.

Conspire = con-spirare(from latin - literally "together with breathe")

I guess maybe, in part, that is because when most people talk about a "conspiracy theorist," they more so mean somebody who finds a conspiracy in everything, and it is always just a load of bull plop and self-important ranting. Again, the type of person who uses their so called "conspiracies" as a crutch so they can delude themselves into thinking nothing that happens to them is their own fault, when 99 times out of 100, it all is (in their case, that is).

So, when people typically say "conspiracy theorist" they aren't including actually informed people in that group. To me, due to the negative connotation that term has, I wouldn't call somebody like that a "conspiracy theorist" even if, taking the term at its face value, it would technically be true. I don't really know what I would call it, though.