Tips on how to make clear to male friends just wanting to be friends?

Hi everyone,

I am a 19 year old girl with a boyfriend and we're 8 months happily in a relationship.
I am a introverted girl who doesn't connect easily with strangers. Chitchatting with them about random stuff is not a problem for me, but just 'emotionally' connecting to them. Also, I talk more easily to boys than to girls. With girls I find it harder to get more 'personal'? I'd really love to have more girl friends just to talk about girly stuff or social issues in life but it's hard for me to connect with them. I also don't want to be too creepy or pushy...
The result of this proces is I have more male friends than girl friends. Sometimes I meet new people and as usual I connect easily with guys. But sometimes when we're having conversations about stuff (life, interests) and I think we're just hanging out casually in the end it usually turns out that some of them like me and want more of me.
I'm not interested because I love my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt their feelings and lose them as a friend.. What should I do?

Why do you think you open up better to the men then you do the women? What attempts have you made, while in person, to make a female friend? I'm also wondering why you have a hard time "connecting" to women at a platonic level when you can do it with guys just fine? We're talking about platonic connections here so what difference does it make if who you're being platonically open with is male or female?

with females I always feel this 'barrier'.. I've made several attempts, like starting up a conversation with them, making smalltalk, ask about their interests, sometimes offering my help if they seemed to struggle with something. that kind of stuff. It usually ends there, with just smalltalk and just never talking to each other anymore. With guys it's just a lot easier. They're straightforward and more open? I don't know it's kinda hard to explain.

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With guys it's just a lot easier. They're straightforward and more open? I don't know it's kinda hard to explain.

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it's not truly a lot easier with guys. it's just that the guys think that more will come of it then just platonic pleasantries and/or friendship so they keep the pace going. That means you don't have to do too much work.

You need to be a friend before you can have a friend and it takes more than initial conversation to remain friends with someone. I'm sure if you think back, you'll notice that the guys keep things going. You said yourself that in the end, some of them want more from you. I'd hazard a guess that ALL of them do but only the more confident one's have the schuutzpa to actually make it known either in words or actions.

You might want to tell them immediately upon "opening up" that you have a boyfriend (with whom, in my not so humble opionion should be the only male you're opening up to, particularily one-on-one) and you should keep putting up that relationship boundary crossing block (by reminding them you have a boyfriend simply by bringing up the fact or saying his name)whenever they are disrespectfull or pushing any non-platonic agenda. These boys you're wanting to be friends with need to be reminded that they are to remain on the friends ladder, always. If that's not what they want then they can vacate the 'friendship.'

You might also think about joining a few things that only females go to so that you learn to be yourself and open enough for a bond to form with women. There's nothing like a girls night out or a weekend away that is innocent, non relationship boundary crossing and something that your SO won't be wondering about. A girls volleyball team might work for you as an example or, if you're not the least bit athletic perhaps a wine tasting course or something that will incorporate your current interests that you could ask a female that you already know to join you in.. doing things together will help you be more natural with members of the same sex.

I know I should contact them more frequently, the diffucult part is whether I am 'allowed' to contact girls more... Sometimes I feel like being a bit pushy or weird when I keep contacting her...
Also, I'm a student at the moment with a very, very small budget. I only have just enough money to pay the bills and the groceries. If I go out to diner/shopping with a friend then already I've spent too much. I already have a part-time job besides college and even then I don't get the hours I want. I really am interested in some dancing classes, or just picking some sports/other hobbys but I don't have the money to afford it.

on the guy friend matter, thanks. I keep in mind that I should be more direct and open about my boyfriend.

Why is it cheaper for you to have male friends?

Because the guy friends I have we just hang out and chill back at each others home, with girl friends we go out shopping, diner, activities and such...

Understand that most of these guys are hoping for sex and/or a serious relationship with you. Chilling at home with you is cheaper than dating you, and provides privacy in case a guy is able to seduce you. Sorry, but that's how a lot of guys think. You're kidding yourself if you think that most of these guys just want to be friends. The decent ones are patiently waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend, while the others don't care and are just hoping for a moment of weakness on your part.

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Originally Posted by Lyria [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Because the guy friends I have we just hang out and chill back at each others home, with girl friends we go out shopping, diner, activities and such...

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What does your boyfriend think about you hanging out one on one and "chilling" with members of the opposite sex? Does he care?

You really are using your boyz as an excuse to not being able to do the same thing with girlz.

There is no reason why you can't feel just as comfortale just hanging with women. Have them over for a glass of wine, some tunes and convo about whats happening in your lives. You can do the same things with women as you want to do with men. I think you like the male attention. And, as you, yourself, me and Vincenzo have all concluded in different words .. you're fooling yourself thinking that these guys just want to hang and remain platonic with you.

I'm surprised that your boyfriend hasn't voiced to you that hanging one-on-one with other men when you are in a relationship is disrespectful. Certainly you've had some discussion with him about stopping date like activities that have been renamed as "hanging out?"

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Originally Posted by Lyria [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... in the end it usually turns out that some of them like me and want more of me.
I'm not interested because I love my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt their feelings and lose them as a friend.. What should I do?

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You wouldn't be losing friends, because they aren't really your friends. If you had some real friendships with women, you would notice the difference between real friends and fake friends that want to have sex with you.

Your decision making is terrible. You shouldn't be hanging out with guys in there homes if you have a boyfriend you care about it sends the wrong message. You need to be clear up front with the boys that you hang out with that you want to be strictly platonic. You also need to be vocal up front about saying you want to be just friends.

wowowow chill out guys this discussion has taken the wrong turn.
1) maybe it's really hard to believe for you guys, but I am in just some friendly platonic relationships with guys I've known for over 10 years now. I even have a guy roommate and we're just hanging out, not seducing each other to crazy or something like that.
2) also, my boyfriend knows everything about what I do and with whom. I already asked him multiple times if he minded I hang out with guys more frequently than with girls.
3) If I invite a guy over to my place it's not like some private make out fest. I don't invite them to my room or something (i live in an appartment with two other guys) we just hang out in the living room and talk about stuff over homemade diner.

also, 'real relationship' with women? what makes relationship with women more 'real' than friendly relationships with men? How come some of you are biased to think that women only go together with women and only exist for the sole purpose of mating with one of the opposite gender?

"If women knew what we were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us." --comedian Larry Miller

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Originally Posted by Lyria [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

wowowow chill out guys this discussion has taken the wrong turn.
1) maybe it's really hard to believe for you guys, but I am in just some friendly platonic relationships with guys I've known for over 10 years now. I even have a guy roommate and we're just hanging out, not seducing each other to crazy or something like that.
2) also, my boyfriend knows everything about what I do and with whom. I already asked him multiple times if he minded I hang out with guys more frequently than with girls.
3) If I invite a guy over to my place it's not like some private make out fest. I don't invite them to my room or something (i live in an appartment with two other guys) we just hang out in the living room and talk about stuff over homemade diner.

also, 'real relationship' with women? what makes relationship with women more 'real' than friendly relationships with men? How come some of you are biased to think that women only go together with women and only exist for the sole purpose of mating with one of the opposite gender?

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What? You're the one coming here and asking us how you can make it clear because you're having problem with them wanting more.

Read what Vincenzo just said and while you're doing that also think about your inability to be friends with women. There's alot to be said about women who can't be friends with other women and most of it isn't all that flattering.

You're the one who came her asking how you can make it perfectly clear that you only want a platonic friend with these guys and now you're trying to justify yourself. You are the one that said it becomes a problem when they want more. I'm thinking It's a problem for you to form relationships with females because you don't want to do the work to be a friend. With guys it's easy for you because they do all the work to keep it going because they are hoping for more, for you to catch feelings for them, they think they can seduce you and the one's that don't have the confidence to ask or show in action that they want more just persevere in order to maintain the staus quo.

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we just hang out in the living room and talk about stuff over homemade diner.

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So why can't you do that with other women? That is a perfectly fine thing to do with women too?

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Originally Posted by Lyria [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

wowowow chill out guys this discussion has taken the wrong turn.
1) maybe it's really hard to believe for you guys, but I am in just some friendly platonic relationships with guys I've known for over 10 years now. I even have a guy roommate and we're just hanging out, not seducing each other to crazy or something like that.
2) also, my boyfriend knows everything about what I do and with whom. I already asked him multiple times if he minded I hang out with guys more frequently than with girls.
3) If I invite a guy over to my place it's not like some private make out fest. I don't invite them to my room or something (i live in an appartment with two other guys) we just hang out in the living room and talk about stuff over homemade diner.

also, 'real relationship' with women? what makes relationship with women more 'real' than friendly relationships with men? How come some of you are biased to think that women only go together with women and only exist for the sole purpose of mating with one of the opposite gender?

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It is normal here, you must have touched some raw nerve with Wakeup and her insecurities have flared up. She is like that. And she is not male, so bear that in mind...

Are you what is considered physically attractive? This would explain why other women don't like you and trust you. And why men like to hang out with you. Some of them, but not all, are looking to maybe score down the line...

I'd also say you simply like being around men, they sense it off you and therefore like you back.

I guess the best way to do that is not to give them any signs that they might misinterpret.:)

thank you for all the suggestions.

There's a female member here, Searock, she knows how to keep those boundaries. Maybe she will post or you can pm her. Men and women can be friends professionally, in the work world, or when there's distance and understood boundaries. When there's close physical proximity and lots of physical interaction hanging out, things get dicey fast, because men tend to only hang around women they find appealing.

Frequently mention to your guy friends that they are good friends and mention that you love your boyfriend.

Haxan, you flatter me ;-).

OP, I also have always had several male friends. I'll try to make a list of some things you can do to make sure nothing awkward happens.

1) First thing you need to do is to make sure that they know that you have a boyfriend, and that you are in love with him. Talk about him with them, have them meet him, have him hang out with you and your male friends. When you see your friends without your bf, ask them about their girlfriends or love interests, and talk about your boyfriend in return. As you would with any female friend, basically.

2) Avoid physical contact of any kind. Don't hug, nudge, kiss on the cheek, tickle, etc., any of your male friends. This is extremely important.

3.a) If you have even the slightest suspicion that one of your male friends is attracted to you, I strongly suggest you distance yourself from him. You can meet him in a group of friends every now and then, just don't spend any time alone with him and avoid chatting with him online or via text. It kind of sucks if you consider him a good friend, but you gotta do what you gotta do: you don't want to string him along. If it really isn't possible to avoid him (for example if you live together or something), just make sure that he knows that you will *never* give him any more than friendship. This point is more for his sake than for yours. Not so much the following one:

3.b) If you suddenly realize that you are attracted to one of your male friends... it is very bad news. Consider things carefully. Are you *really* in love with your boyfriend? If you are, then distance yourself immediately from your friend. If you hesitate in answering, you probably aren't in love with your bf and your sudden attraction for your friend is but a consequence of this fact. In this case, you should break up.

4) This probably sounds kind of silly, but pay attention to what you wear when you meet up with your friends (i.e., don't wear anything sexy if it's not your everyday style).

5) Avoid spending time alone with any of your male friends, unless your friendship is so ridiculously strong and there is absolutely, 100%, no way that either of you is attracted to the other (even then, keep in mind that things can always change: if they do, refer to point 3).

6) Do NOT text or chat or talk on the phone with any of your male friends at night (from 10:30 pm to 8 am), and obviously, do not hang out alone with any one of your male friends at night (it's ok if you are in a group of friends).

I think that pretty much covers it. A genuine, strong friendship is possible between a man and a woman. Just be aware that when attraction becomes involved, unfortunately such a friendship becomes impossible. At best, there is mutual attraction that becomes flirty intimacy and eventually either a good relationship, or a bad heartbreak. At worst, there is a one-way attraction that makes things awkward and painful from the start.

So, if after clearly stating your love for your boyfriend a guy you considered a "friend" takes his distance from you, instead of feeling sad, feel grateful that you avoided an unpleasant situation. True friends aren't attracted to one another - when they are, they become boyfriend and girlfriend, or break the friendship for the sake of existing relationships with their current partners.

Oh I forgot, obviously, don't make friends with a guy you are attracted to to begin with.