my biggest problem...

I've lost all hope of ever finding someone(love is a glove that never fitted me), so I try to concentrate on my college degree(computer science, btw) because, apart from being a necessary requirement for a stable job in the future(it doesn't guarantee success, but not having one? forget about it!), I've never been actually good at nothing, I think that the success of getting good grades would give me the strength I need to carry on with my lonely life, BUT, my mind is constantly being swarmed with senseless, obsessive thoughts that I can't control no matter what, so I end up being a failure at both love life and professional life. What should I do in order to be better at what I do? Damn, it's just that I need to find something that I'm good at? Damn, I never thought that my life would be like this: a failure at college life and love life... I just want to be good at what I do, I want to be a programmer, but these irrational thoughts keep swarming my mind... My idea would be that, when I'm studying, I forget about the harsh truth of never finding someone and focus only on my studies in order to achieve my dream... I'm not a psychologist, but the fact that I'm the only one in my group of friends who doesn't have a girlfriend really contributes to the fact that I'm depressed about never finding someone, but this shouldn't interfere with my college life, but i just don't know how to avoid it... This already started to interfere with my daily life to the point that I start crying and almost fall into a depression when I'm in contact with something that makes me remeber the fact that I'll never find anyone(songs, happy couples kissing, my friends talking about their girlfriends...). What should I do in order that I can focus all my energies on my studies so that I can have a much better life in the future?

You will find someone.
Personally I feel a person has to love themselves before they can be loved by others.
Maybe you do need to find that new hobby or activity? Or something that's social?
It'll end up being when you're least expecting it and not looking for someone, that they'll turn up!

You've got a hefty degree subject by the sounds of things. Go you! You can do it.
Have you spoke to anyone about your thoughts and what's going on? It would help.
You need some happiness in your life (which of course you deserve) and some things to look forward to. How about a blokes trip out? Holiday? Saving for something to buy?
Exercise/walking can really help when feeling down. :)

That's definitely a limiting belief that you have to consciously overcome... Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right! (in this case, its find love.) Actively seek help and advice.. I know of plenty of sources to help sharpen your social and dating skills. Whenever something is wrong in your life, it is MOST OFTEN that you need to learn a new SKILL! Keep at it man!

But my friends got a girlfriend without an effort, why can't I do it too? ALL of them got a girlfriend without ever having to learn that skill...
I have literally ZERO things that make me feel happy, and hanging out with my friends is not one of them. How would you feel if everyone of your group of friends had a girlfriend and were constantly bragging about them whenever you're around and, to add insult to injury, they often make you feel alone as a dog in the middle of them? Damn, no wonder
So,with all this, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, as everyone of my friends would start to mock me...
I don't have anything to look forward to... My lifes sucks, I'll never have a girlfriend, I suck at everything I do...
Absolutely NOTHING can cheer me up, I can't even relax! How can I relax when I'm living the worst life I've ever imagined? I mean, it's not the worst compared to other lives(you know which ones I'm talking about), but why is my life falling apart? WHY? Looks like I don't deserve to be happy after all...

What do you have to offer a girlfriend?

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Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What do you have to offer a girlfriend?

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I'm a good listener, I'm understanding, no one will ever try to steal me from her, I'm funny(sometimes), I'm intelligent(not much, but it's something), I'm a good lover, because I enjoy every small victory, I'm humble... Long story short, I can make a woman happy(although I seriously doubt that I'll ever make anyone happy...) and I think that's enough...

So, basically you are a decent human being, who considers himself undesirable, and you think that should be enough to make a girl's undies wet?

No woman wants to be with a downer, unless she's got some issues of her own.

You need to try and stop comparing yourself to everyone else.
It will continue to get you down if you keep doing that.

Maybe you should speak to someone who can help you feel more positive about things. I think you have a lot going for you, but you're focussing on all the negatives and missing the positives, and therefore, possibly missing the girl of your dreams!

I think, people need to be happier with themselves/love themselves before someone can love them.
If someone is unhappy and sad and moaning, how can they expect to anyone else to be happy for them.

I don't think it's enough, the qualities I have are enough, but how can I not be a downer? I suck at everything I do, and the only time girls "like me" is either when they're mocking me or when they're fooling themselves...

Look man, I'm not the only unhappy guy in my group of friends, that's why I'm like this.
Do you know what's like to be inferior to everyone else? It's one of the worst feelings in the world, trust me... Why can't I be like them? Why? What do I have they don't?!
How can I not compare myself to others? Come on, if they can do it, so do I! I'm not a lesser human being!
How am I missing out the girl of my dreams? My dreams of ever getting a girl are dead! It would be stupid to even think about the "girl of my dreams". Truth is, the "girl of my dreams" isn't there for me, because I don't deserve a girl, I'm worthless, I can't do anything right...
I don't have anything positive in my life! NOTHING! My life has been failure after failure after failure! I don't have any friends to talk to! My parents don't listen to me...
If I ever had a chance, I would start believing in myself, but it's stupid for a guy like me to just think about it, I'm the most useless guy to ever roam the earth, I don't deserve such a blessing...

Look, I'm trying to find some positives here for you, as it seems you are in a negative spiral. Questioning a lot of things, asking "why me', it doesn't feel fair etc.

To put it to the point, you may struggle to find a girlfriend if you continue to be in this mindset. It won't send out the right signals.
We're trying to help you, and you are seeming to find a negative to it all or something against out point of view.


And yes, I have questioned myself 'why can't i have X', 'why me' etc, but at the end of the day, it gets you nowhere. Either aspire positively to work towards what they have as in, "Yeah i'd really like to have something like that, so I'm gonne do XYZ to achieve it' , or stop comparing yourself to them altogether.

Positive thinking and positive drive!

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Originally Posted by Billyman3000 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't have anything positive in my life! NOTHING! My life has been failure after failure after failure! I don't have any friends to talk to! My parents don't listen to me...
If I ever had a chance, I would start believing in myself, but it's stupid for a guy like me to just think about it, I'm the most useless guy to ever roam the earth, I don't deserve such a blessing...

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What do your friends have that you don't? Confidence. Some of your friends might be unhappy or not in the best situation, but I doubt they see themselves as useless and undeserving of love.

If your life has been failure after failure, then you need to focus on being successful at something, so you can prove to yourself that you're not useless or a failure. Do you have any goals?

Yes, of course that I have, but I lack the skills to accomplish them...
How can I be confident when I'm not good at anything? It's stupid to be confident when you suck...

But I can't do anything right, that's the problem, if I even try to get a girlfriend I'll fail because I was born a failure...

It starts by removing the phrase, I can't. You don't have to be some sunshiney, optimistic guy, but you do have to be determined to keep going in spite of failure. If you're not good at something and you want to be, practice..furiously.

You need to stop trying to get a girlfriend, and start trying to become a person you are happy with and accept. You are trying to have someone else validate you, because you can't validate yourself, and it doesn't work like that. You need to dig in, and accomplish one of these goals, you have. Struggling through adversity and triumphing, particularly when in something solitary, is what builds confidence and self reliance. It's a hard thing to do, but the rewards are so worth it.

The only reason I kept going in spite of failure is that I'm doomed to even more failure if I don't try...
But how can I be someone I'm happy with? I can't! How can I turn from loser to winner when I'm destined to be a chronic loser? The only place I'm happy with myself is in my imagination, because that's the only place I'll ever get a girlfriend...

If you give up and believe you are destined to be a chronic loser and all these other things, I can guarantee you will be.

But I can't do anything to stop this...

Whether you think you can or you can't, you are right.

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Originally Posted by Billyman3000 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The only place I'm happy with myself is in my imagination, because that's the only place I'll ever get a girlfriend...

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Aww, man. You can do it!

Get to work. Get a haircut. Shave. Start working out; running especially. Brush your goddamn teeth. Clean your flat. Read books. Stop dooming yourself to failure. Discover new things you didn't know were there before.

Give it 6 months of taking care of yourself like this, and you'll be ready.

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Originally Posted by KingZ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Aww, man. You can do it!

Get to work. Get a haircut. Shave. Start working out; running especially. Brush your goddamn teeth. Clean your flat. Read books. Stop dooming yourself to failure. Discover new things you didn't know were there before.

Give it 6 months of taking care of yourself like this, and you'll be ready.

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I just don't have what it takes: I try to turn my attentions to my college course, but then I remember I'm not good at anything... I'm worthless, no woman will ever want me...

Ah, yeah, sorry about my last post. I was jacked up on amphetamines when I said all that.

Buy a Harley, get some tats, and then the chicks will love you. No dont do that Billy. Like someone else said in the forum until you learn to love yourself no one else will love you. Women are complicated Billy and you have got to understand how they think and how they size up a man. If a women even senses that you have no confidence they are out and moving on. You sound like a nice gut though Billy. So read what women think of "nice guys"

Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS
You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless Bitch for dumping him."

I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like shit, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea."

If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.

Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...

Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm here."

The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"

More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!

Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.

This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".

Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.

You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.

I still can't find an explanation to why all the "nice guys" I know have a girlfriend, and I guarantee you that some of them are no better than me... Damn, I must suck really bad...

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Originally Posted by Billyman3000 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I still can't find an explanation to why all the "nice guys" I know have a girlfriend,

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The explanation is simple: they believe in themselves and they believe they can get a girlfriend.

That's the problem: they don't. They were always complaining to me about it. They're not better than me, it just happened that girls also like insecure, shy guys("nice guys"), but somehow I can't get one, although I have everything a girl needs...

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Originally Posted by Billyman3000 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's the problem: they don't. They were always complaining to me about it. They're not better than me, it just happened that girls also like insecure, shy guys("nice guys"), but somehow I can't get one, although I have everything a girl needs...

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Many girls want security. You cannot provide that in any way, it seems.

Neither do them...

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Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Many girls want security. You cannot provide that in any way, it seems.

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That stuff about security is all bogus. Most of my friends are those kind of people who are happy while in a relationship, but miserable single. They don't provide insecurity in any way, but the thing is they fake it, and even gullible girls want security, right? I just need to fake I'm confident and they will fall to my feet.

never give up hope, you will find it