Who is overreacting?

Today my husband started criticizing me because I take too long to get ready to go out, even when it's just to go a block up the street to grab a bite to eat. And he says I worry too much about what other people think, when I shouldn't. I always feel the need to at least wash my face, brush my teeth, and make my hair look somewhat presentable before going out at all. He deemed this excessive for just going to the store for 5 minutes. He went on about this for almost an hour, and kept asking me why I care so much. I honestly didn't have a straight answer, part of it is because it makes me feel a little better about myself... and I think part of it is stemmed from my battles with my self-image. I was judged and tormented through school, and it always has stuck with me in some way. I've gotten better... before I couldn't go anywhere without full makeup.

Anywho, he made a huge deal out of it, saying I need to let it go. He said he wouldn't wait for me and will not go alone to go out - forcing me to change. I got defensive because this is who I am - I thought he would like the fact that I don't want to look like a total slob. I said, "well, I have food here I can eat," and he got pissed, said he wasn't going to get food for either of us, and stormed into our bedroom where he has remained since 1 oclock today (it is now 9PM). I tried to offer him some food for dinner, but he brushed me off.

I feel like I've done a pretty good job at accepting him and his flaws/quirks... yet he always seems to criticize me for something. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I am overreacting or what... I feel like the romance is gone in our relationship... it seems like all he does is either criticize me/belittle me, ignore me, or grab at me. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting angry at me --- I need advice... help!

Based on just what you wrote, I think he is being childish, if my wife wants to take her time getting ready, so she looks good for me, and other people look at her and think she's hot I feel great, him locked in a roomis ridiculous. Now, if you wait last minute to get ready, then I can see his frustration.. but not to a point to throw a fit. if there are bigger problems, professional help would probably be better, if hes constantly ridiculing you he may have some resentment, but thats just be speculating.. do not take my word for it.

Sometimes I do feel like it's my fault. It's kind of embarrassing to say, but our sex life isn't good. It's because of me. I told him I've been having issues with my sex drive being low... I'm pretty sure it's because of the depression medication I'm on... but I just can't stop taking it. This medication has helped me to function normally - get up - go to work - feel happy. He said he understands, but when he does stuff like this, picking fights for no reason.... I think that may be the underlying issue.

you know best AMB, more then I would know.. if he is upset with your low libido cause you're on meds.. thats just wrong.. my mom was on anti depressants so I have an idea how you feel, however meds are there to remind you how it once was to feel normal again, not be a go to pill to make you feel normal.

I think it is great that you take pride in your appearance good for you :)

I think your husband is building up some unhealthy anger and resentment to you. He sounds frustrated, fed up and unhappy.

I think this is a warning that you need help. Go for marriage counselling now before this gets worse. Also, i think you should try counselling alone for your depression in the hope that you can come off the meds

I can't help but wonder if the issue is more about him having to wait for you to groom. If you know you're going out, do you get ready early so that he's not waiting around for you?

He sounds controlling and abusive. He is no different than the people who made fun of you in high school. He belittles you and makes you feel always jumpy and guilty for things that are completely normal and reasonable. I think you should seriously consider a divorce. Do you have kids?

AMB, do not let strangers on a forum give you advice regarding divorce.. as that is a huge life changing decision and should not be brought on about strangers on a forum.. see a counselor let them help you make that decision. You should talk to your husband, if he is still being arrogant, get help alone and then make a proper decision

I think he saw a lady that he likes and now he is trying to find faults with you to ease his conscience, speculations, you need to talk to him and see why he is building up resentment towards you, it dsnt only stem from you taking a good care of yourself, maybe he bottled up a lot of things, I know it happens to me sometimes that I will storm at the very insignificant incident because I have been holding on to some anger I never resolved or talk about

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Originally Posted by rob1984 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

see a counselor let them help you make that decision. You should talk to your husband, if he is still being arrogant, get help alone and then make a proper decision

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Well, duh.

Lol so say it, and not make such decision for people to consider divorce

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Originally Posted by rob1984 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lol so say it, and not make such decision for people to consider divorce

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Since when is giving advice (on a love advice forum) "making a decision" for someone?

because divorce is a serious thing, and should not be advised by a stranger online. if its a simple question like she`s asking.. then answer it.. but she never asked you if she should divorce him. people answer what is asked.. and stop putting things in peoples heads and making them more paranoid or worried there`s a bigger problem. her question is.. am I over reacting.. not should I leave my husband.

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Originally Posted by amb88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sometimes I do feel like it's my fault. It's kind of embarrassing to say, but our sex life isn't good. It's because of me. I told him I've been having issues with my sex drive being low... I'm pretty sure it's because of the depression medication I'm on...

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How often does he want sex vs how often you are giving it to him?

Also, how long is he having to wait around for you to get ready?

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Originally Posted by rob1984 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

because divorce is a serious thing, and should not be advised by a stranger online. if its a simple question like she`s asking.. then answer it.. but she never asked you if she should divorce him. people answer what is asked.. and stop putting things in peoples heads and making them more paranoid or worried there`s a bigger problem. her question is.. am I over reacting.. not should I leave my husband.

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It's the OP's decision whether to act on the advice she receives or not. I'm sure nobody would divorce just because a stranger on a forum told them to (which I didn't, by the way). She came here for advice, that was and is my advice. She should consider leaving him IMO because I don't think she's happy in the relationship (nor is he) and it seems to me like there are serious underlying issues to this story. If you don't like my advice just put me on your ignore list :-).

I think that is bad advice-dont get married if you think divorce is the solution to every problem searock. Ridiculous to mention divorce because they had a bloody row! And dont be putting ideas in her head. She has no reason to believe therr could be another woman on the scene. If she did im sure she would have mentioned that.

OP you and your husband need to sit down and have a calm honest heart to heart. Communication is whats needed here. Both of you need to swallow your pride, forget that argument and focus on the love you have for each other. You and he are a team and you need to work your problems out together. If you cant do that then it is time to seek professional help through marriage counselling

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think that is bad advice-dont get married if you think divorce is the solution to every problem searock. Ridiculous to mention divorce because they had a bloody row! And dont be putting ideas in her head. She has no reason to believe therr could be another woman on the scene. If she did im sure she would have mentioned that.

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I never mentioned another woman, and I don't think divorce is the solution to every problem o.O. I'm not putting any ideas in her head, I'm sure she's perfectly capable of thinking for herself. I just wrote what I think about this situation, if you don't like it as I said feel free to ignore.

It's not just a row, judging by what she wrote, he treats her like that on a regular basis. She should have thought twice before marrying him, but this doesn't mean that she has to be stuck with him forever even if he makes her miserable. If there are kids involved then of course divorce should be the last option.

But we can only give advice based on the info that was given. Thats all im saying.

That's true.

Rob, my experience with counsellors is that they don't give advice. You turn up unhappy with your marriage and sex life end up discussing your parents. Counselling certainly didn't help me when my marriage was failing.

What would have helped me when my marriage was ending would have been a group of strangers telling me what they'd do if they were in my shoes. And I'd quite enjoy having the contradicting opinons to consider.

Lastly, people get what they pay for. If they want to pay nothing, then they get advice from a bunch of unskilled strangers on the internet. If they want professional advice, they will see a professional.

I think its okay to talk to strangers to see what others would do in that situation. You can get lots of different advice.

If your not happy with a certain counsellor, you can get another one. And sometimes a persons relationship problems do stem from the past such as insecurity, infidelity, trust issues, uncomfortable with affection or intimacy etc. Sometimes you cant fix a problem without going back in time and if thats what it takes to avoid divorce-i say do it! Unless theres infidelity-he can sort that shit out on his own while i run as fast as i can away from him

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If your not happy with a certain counsellor, you can get another one. And sometimes a persons relationship problems do stem from the past such as insecurity, infidelity, trust issues, uncomfortable with affection or intimacy etc. Sometimes you cant fix a problem without going back in time and if thats what it takes to avoid divorce-i say do it! Unless theres infidelity-he can sort that shit out on his own while i run as fast as i can away from him

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True. But my marital problems stemmed from him turning into a pessimistic, miserable, antisocial, refuse-to-leave-the-house guy who refused marriage counselling. I just needed to discuss the options I had and to have reassurance that I wasn't crazy for being unhappy.

I think relationship counselling is about finding a better way of communicating with each other, going back remembering why you fell in love in the first place and learning to put each other first and compromise etc but sometimes two people are so wrong for each other-they just should not be together

I think counselling before marriage is a good idea so then your both going into it with your eyes wide open and know what to expect. You need to be prepared for the good times and the bad and stay strong for each other etc..

Some people end up hurting each other so bad that they cannot go back and fix it-its broken and that is sad

Well I can kind of understand this guy's frustration. He IS over-reaction IMO. That's my answer to your question, but I can sympathesis with him too. If it were me, I could see going in to a marriage thinking that maybe in time, once we've been married a while and she (you) realized I weren't going to leave you for something so simplistic that hopefully you'd let your guard down once in a while. Not being able to let go of your baggage is kind of a big issue imo. My opinion is that women who always have to wear makeup and freshen up before they go out are superficial and fake at least that would be my first impression. I'm not judging, I'm just saying that's my first impession .

My mother is someone like that. I once had to go to the hospital, but I had to wait while she got all dolled up and it left me with a resentment of her that's never gone away, but rather mellowed into a constant rolling eye and annoyance of her. If you have kids do you want them to grow up feeling similarly about you?

Now that said, my dad is ultra supportive of her, and appreciates the care she puts into her appearance. He not too long ago mentioned to me that he was looking around at people their age (mid 70's) and seeing how everyone their age are big round balls and saggy and droopy or bent and crooked, and then he looks at Mom who is just as fit and trim as ever and takes such good care of herself and he realizes how very lucky he was to marry her. They've been married 53 years and it's obvious that while someone like me could never marry someone like my mother, that my dad was a perfect partner for her.

Now while I can certainly understand your husband's frustrations and you should seriously consider your behavior lest your own children resent you for putting your appearance above their own health and beleive me, if you have kids the situation will eventually arise, your husband is still being a child and not nearly patient enough with the one person he is supposed to live the rest of his life with.

My advice, for whatever it's worth, would be to stand up to him and tell him that kind of behavior must stop, but then to prioritize situations where it's acceptable to spend time working on your appearance and others where you can force yourself to throw caution to the wind and slum it up, such as when you're going to the corner store for a couple minutes and especially in emergencies.