Heart aches STILL

Good day everyone,

It's my first post here so please bear with me.

I'm sure I'm not the first one to post this but I just want you all to help me, knock some sense into me, get me to snap out of this heartache that I continue to experience every single day.

My relationship ended with my ex 3 months ago and I still can't seem to feel better. The rejection, a blow to the ego, a stab to the heart.... that's what I remember and feel every day. I just can't let go. I am still dwelling on how I could have done better, how I could have changed, why things went so wrong, why we weren't able to build a future together, how two good-hearted people just can't be together.

Long story short, we argued a lot. We had lots of conflict but I loved this guy. He had all the qualities I was looking for but we just think so differently. It was a year and half relationship.

I don't want to bother my friends anymore so now I'm counting on you, the readers of this forum, to help me please. This pain that I am experiencing is so unbearable at times. It hurts like hell.

I just want to feel better. Tell me how I can let him go and move on... :( I WELCOME ALL COMMENTS!!!

if there is a part of you that wants him back, then you have to purge this from your head if you ever want to get over him. otherwise, you will keep dwelling on how things could have been different. yes it's hard, but i doubt it is as hard now as it was the first week. get rid of everything that reminds you of him, perhaps his facebook and even his number. minimize contact. out of sight is out of mind. try seeing other people...maybe not yet dating...but planting seeds so to speak. be around the people who love you unconditionally. movies, hobbies, reading, learning something new, working out, yoga, meditation...all good forms.

My ex broke up with me and literally bailed on me about a week ago. I find out later that he now has a gf and has moved in with her. They've know each other for less than 2-3 weeks. An we were together for over a year and lived with each other the last 8 months. Yes, it hurts. I feel used, betrayed, ego is shot as well as self esteem. Even though I know the relationship had run it's course the way he left made it hurt so bad.

I was an emotional wreck for two days. I cried a lot. If you feel like crying let it all out. It's not good to bottle it up, let it all out. One of my friends took me to the woods with a baseball bat and I beat the crap out of a tree. Sounds barbaric but it really, really helped and felt good. So if you feel like screaming, go to the woods and yell your ass off, if your in the car scream to let it out. Don't bottle your feelings up.

Do things that make you feel better. Go work out, buy yourself something nice. Stop dwelling on the 'what ifs', you're not going to get the answers you want. Sorry to sound so harsh. Also do NOT engage is self destructive behavior. Don't go out and get trashed and drive home. Delete him from your phone, facebook and store anything that might remind you of him. That's what I did and it's helping me out. Also understand that the grieving process will take time and it's okay.

Hope this helps

Hey there,
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago and I'm still healing. I know exactly what you mean by dwelling on the situation and running it over and over again in your head wondering what you could've done differently. For me, its so hurtful to see the way my ex used to treat me when we were dating, to how he treats me now. He's still polite and will text now and then, but that boy that used to follow me around like a puppy no matter where I went is completely gone. I think what you're going through is normal for anyone that knows how to love someone and form a real emotional bond with them. Be happy that you're capable of doing that, because not everyone is. I wish my head wasn't so full of thoughts about him, but at some point, you have to make the conscious decision that its over and force yourself not to think about him anymore. Thnk about yourself and what you want out of life instead. Visualize your success, and imagine when you do meet someone that you really love and that loves you back in the same way? The past is done, and there's absolutely no point thinking about it. I know I still about him (even though he is a jerk) everyday....but now I don't cry from the memories as much as I did before. So you do make progress even if you don't realize it. Also, no contact is very important. I am a very selfless person, so when my ex cried during the breakup and asked if we could be best friends, I tried my best to be there for him no matter how much it hurt. Do not do this!!! Just break all contact, focus on yourself and stay positive. It will get better. Good luck :)

Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. I have tried so hard in the past 3 months to just be happy on my own. I am keeping myself busy with new activities and reconnecting with old friends. But the main problem I think is that even though I am with friends and family, I just feel alone without him by my side. I am definitely trying hard to stay positive but some days are just so hard. Those tears just don't want to go away.

You poor thing,I am honestly feeling your pain.My relationship ended 11 weeks ago after 18 months.I am still devastated every day.Some days are pretty ok and I can function like a normal person.The good days are the ones when I dont cry myself to sleep.I havent helped myself by allowing my ex to stay in contact with me.We have met up every weekend since the break up and I get texts every day.A little bit of me still hopes that we will get back together as he clearly still cares about me.Regardless of the outcome though,I truly believe that I would have done so much better if I had done NC immediately.At this point, my friends, who were all so supportive after the break up, appear to be sick of me talking about my ex (not that I bring him up that often).I feel exactly as you do.I know I can live without him but I just dont want to.Life was so much better with him

I'm a blunt, direct kind of guy. I often don't catch subtlety, and I don't understand game-playing. Twenty-two+ years ago, I had a girlfriend I was desperately, madly in love with. I was only in her country for a few months, and then had to leave, but it was only a 7-hour train ride for visits. We wrote and spoke on the phone regularly, and I visited her twice in the six months we were apart. One day I got a break-up letter from her. It tore my heart out. I didn't realize until much, much later that what she was doing was trying to engage me in a game. I was supposed to write back and beg for forgiveness for whatever transgression I'd allegedly committed. She kept writing me, attempting to re-engage me, and I kept writing back, asking her to just leave me alone.

The long and the short of it is, it took me YEARS to get over her entirely. Be VERY cautious - it also was a strong influence in getting married to the first woman that came along that wasn't a total piece of crap... big mistake.

thing is, if a relationship isnt working after a year and half, its not going to work anyways, i ended up wasting my/her four and half years in a stupid relationship that i knew wasnt working after 7-8 months into the relationship. so dont waste your time.

after every break up i was thinking i could have done this better and i could have done that, but the fact is one you get back together you go back to your old days, its really hard for people to change. move on

NeoSam:
Its funny how we always think that people might change for the better isnt it?

I just recently found out I was cheated on, after the misses took a vocation overseas. Though I suspected the signs were there, she had the ex who would never give up on her. They kept in contact with SMS-es often and I thought it was ok. She never spoke about it. She would only contact me if something bad happened that she ended up crying.

I was taken for a completely and wish she couldve been honest with me, rather than to keep her options open with 2 guys interested in her.

Its hard to move on. The process is never easy. She hasnt confronted me with the news yet, I only recently discovered this on facebook. Which isnt the greatest place to find out. But I guess its better to know now, because I think she wouldve have had the guts to tell me that she was cheating on me.

want2heal:
I and others reading this, completely feel for you. Consider yourself as the most important person in your life. Look after that and appreciate the Life around you.
When I heard of the bad news...all sorts of craziness came into my mind and I asked myself, why am I deserving all of this mayhem?

I believe in karma, what you do good to others, we're bound to receive some sort of goodness in return. No matter what shape or form it comes in. Patience, yes, we all have to wait for that, is virteous. But, never give up. That's one bad, apple out of the way, and plenty of good apples out there :)

You just have to keep finding that good apple :)

Some of the pain has dissipated. Thank you all who have left me comments. I do frequently come back to re-read all that you have written here. It has definitely helped me. Your words will constantly remind me that there will be brighter days ahead and I do know that the gray skies will clear. THANK YOU.

I don't want to paint a bad picture of my ex because he wasn't a bad person at all. He does have a really kind heart but the reason we parted was because we just didn't get along, we just didn't click. I'm feeling better these last couple of days but I know that some of the bad days might come back.

The part of me that wants him back is GONE. I can slowly let him go now....

If anyone has any additional comments or who is wanting to help me by reminding me again that i'll be okay, please feel free to comment.

No contact with him is number one.

Unfortunately getting over a relationship can be likened to getting over surgery... It sucks, but it's nothing you can really do but dress the wound (treat yourself and get to know yourself even more), and allow time to take care of the rest.

You just have to hang in there and let time do it's thing. But if you keep talking to him you're going to keep reopening the wound, and it's going to take much longer to heal.

I am back with a heart ache. I just found out through a friend that my ex is dating someone now. I was actually doing well moving on but this news has set me back. I wish I didn't hear about this.

Tell me how I'm supposed to be fine with the fact that he has moved on and I haven't? Please help.

I know it hurts, but you need to remember a few things. Firstly, there's a reason why you two broke up..its because you argued all the time. Why would you want to hold on to something that hurt you so much? If he didn't work out with you, you need to learn to let him go and live his own life. Secondly, this is not a competition in anyway! It doesn't matter who moved on first or last...it matters what you learnt from this whole experience. I know you've grown as an individual having gone through this experience. And even though it feels like complete crap right now, all these lessons will help you find and keep someone that treats you the way you want to be treated. When you breakup with someone, the hardest part is separating yourself from them, and thinking of yourself as a complete individual just by yourself. Thats why you need to tell yourself that he's not your concern anymore. Who knows what he'll go through with this girl. You and him had your special time together...but now its over. Don't ask your friends or anyone about him. Distance yourself on anything related to him for a while to allow yourself to heal. Make yourself strong, vibrant and independent once again...and before you know it, you won't care what he's upto, because you'll be too busy meeting other guys much better than him. Hang in there girl! You will make it for sure :) You can private msg me if you want to talk...because the good thing about this forum is that we all know exactly how you're feeling and we're all here to help you.

@first in the beginning and perhaps weeks after maybe months,your heart feels banged up and bruised like it had been slammed into a hard wall,then later on the pain builds up until your
eyes hurt from crying though you may have a false sense of security for awhile & off and on again,then as the bruise starts to heal and the swelling begins to go down,there will be an
unexpected flood of tears,perhaps for a few days maybe awhile longer,and those tears u cry will be at the surface so let them flow until they stop because thats the puss coming out
from the injury to your heart! after that your on easy street because the rest of the healing starts and then it's going to feel great to be you again and while the scar heals there will be
an itchy sensation of renewed skin and a fresh new heart,it may tickle and you'll laugh or smile and feel good knowing the worst is over and not only that your healed!!!

hey hope555,

thank you. you've helped me a lot. i would like to private message you but don't have enough posts to do it.

i know that i will eventually be with someone who will treat me the way i want to be treated. i am working on getting my confidence back.

I know we all can get through this together.

Why don't you get out there and do some dating yourself? I've found that crazy sex really helps you forget an ex

You still feel the pain because your closing your heart and life to him.. Why not give yourself a chance. HAve fun, date with other men....Life is too short to be unhappy make your life meaning ful and you will find peace in your heart.

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Originally Posted by want2heal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hey hope555,thank you. you've helped me a lot. i would like to private message you but don't have enough posts to do it. .

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Why do you need posts to private message someone? You just click on their profile and send them a private message. Anyway...hope you're doing better :) We all really feel for you and understand the heartache you're going through.

I just saw a picture of my ex. I don't know why I continually do this to myself - I have no more contact with him or any of his friends but this picture of his has placed pain back in my heart. I'm sad. My heart aches STILL.

hey "want2heal" .... i m also going thru almost the same thing... but in my case to make it more worse... my ex moved on wit some other guy within 2 weeks of our break up.... wen i begged her to come back she insulted me... the best part of this forum is.... u get good support and makes u feel better.... and u know u r not alone.... i hve been whining for the last 4 months.... i think now i cant be like this... as they say time heals... i hve to make concious effort to pick the pieces of my life and make it better... coz my ex is so happy wit her new love..... i forgive her... & hope i wil too find sumone (but at the moment it doesnt look like) .... i hope u too become alright... trust me dont waste time crying or dweling on the past.... make strong concious effort to move on... if u do so... u will be fine and happy... god bless ya....

You really need to put any images you have of him or belongings in a box. Write on that box saying, "Do not open until 20XX"

Hopefully one day when you are at a different stage in life and have someone next to you. The memories; if its with or without him, are just that...memories of the past. I'm not saying you're not allowed to look at him, but if you havent gotten over the guy and that was what you set out for yourself then its not helping if you still have attached feelings.

Ask yourself, what do you want, what do you plan to do about it and how likely are you able to achieve the goals you set out for you.

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Originally Posted by jackcobain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

.. trust me dont waste time crying or dweling on the past.... make strong concious effort to move on... if u do so... u will be fine and happy... god bless ya....

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I totally agree with the being happy of your life part. But you need to cry, dont keep it in yourself. It does make things worse and it isnt healthy to stop yourself from crying.

You'll feel a lot better by crying, you might find that at some point no more tears wont come out anymore. That could be a good sign that you've flushed out what you needed to to be able to move on.

Isn't it strange that all of us who have had our hearts broken know what we should do or how we should feel or know that it just takes time for the pain to go away... we've heard it from ourselves and from others all around us.. we've heard all the different perspectives... but the problem is the heart... the heart just doesn't quite agree and that is what's causing me/us sadness.

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Originally Posted by want2heal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Isn't it strange that all of us who have had our hearts broken know what we should do or how we should feel or know that it just takes time for the pain to go away... we've heard it from ourselves and from others all around us.. we've heard all the different perspectives... but the problem is the heart... the heart just doesn't quite agree and that is what's causing me/us sadness.

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absolutely... u wont beleive i was just gonna post the same thing... man v all know wat v r supposed to do... but our heart just cant seem to understand... every night when i sleep wit wet eyes... i promise myself tat i wont get up wit her thougth and tomorrow is a new and happy day.... but sigh!!!.... the first thing wen i open my eyes... it happens to be the same thing... thinking abt her... i mean nothing changes.. atleast for me... its been 4-5 months... but i still question myself abt it.. tat wat went wrong? why did she do this to me... but i know and i want to beleive tat i will be fine... and i will find sumbody who will love me back to my expectations..... "Survivor" - Destiny Child... listening to this songs helps a lot...

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Originally Posted by want2heal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am back with a heart ache. I just found out through a friend that my ex is dating someone now. I was actually doing well moving on but this news has set me back. I wish I didn't hear about this.

Tell me how I'm supposed to be fine with the fact that he has moved on and I haven't? Please help.

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As the others have mentioned, you're not going to be fine at first. Take it from me though, over time you will be ok. You just have to trust that. It sucks, and it feels unfair. There's a myriad of emotions you'll go through. Just hang on and have faith. The best thing you can do as well is continue to make yourself busy. Ask for additional hours at work, start working out. If you already have been working out, work out more. Just get really busy.

I'm getting out there now and gone on a few dates. I am moving forward. But sadly, I'm still not happy. I'm actually afraid.... afraid of not being able to meet anyone who has the potential to be my mate forever. Right now every person that I've met doesn't seem to meet my standards... or is as good as my ex in many ways. Yes, I am comparing but it's so hard not to. And yes, things didn't work out with my ex for many reasons but there were a lot that I did like about him. Can I be happy again? Maybe I'm not ready to date. Will I ever find that ONE who can make me happy?

why does it feel as if my heart will never heal?
he is continually on my mind, in my head... i just want to him to go away....
i don't want to think about him anymore...
the mind is so cruel to me...

why is that we, the dumpees, always do things that don't help us move on? like contacting the ex, or checking them out on facebook, or seeing their friends on facebook, or asking other friends how they're doing, or reading old emails from the ex, or looking at old photos?????? why??? why do we do those things? minutes ago i saw pictures of my ex with his new gf. i already knew he's dating someone but still couldn't resist looking at them. and now guess what? MY HEART HURTS. overwhelmed with sadness.