Should we have a conversation about why we broke up?

Me and this guy met online and dated for 2 months.

We were really close but around a week ago we had an ugly argument about something we didn't agree. He did something I didn't like and he thought he did nothing wrong and was quite defensive and argumentative, I got scared and I broke up with him.

The next day we met so I could return his stuff he left at my house. After I gave him the things, he asked me "that's it"? I think he wanted to talk, but I was really mad at him and said "yeah that's it", and left.

I unfriended him on social media and both me and him deleted all photos of each other from social media. We just didn't delete phone numbers, as I can still see him on whatsapp.

Now a week and a half later I miss him, although I'm not sure I would want to get back together. I would like though to have a proper conversation with him about what happened, because we didn't have one. I guess that would help me (and maybe him too) move on.

I was thinking in adding him again as a friend on Facebook and see if he accepts, before I contact him and say I would like to have a conversation, because at this point I don't even know if he wants to speak to me ever again.

Any advice? Thank you.

Why? He doesn't want to know your reasons. You had a fight. He is aware of this. After the fight you broke up. What is there to talk about?

You can offer to talk to him & tell him one more time why you are hurting him but I see no benefit to him for going through that process. It was only 2 months after all. You aren't undoing a 20 year marriage.

I wanted to talk in order to have closure and because we didn't have a proper conversation, only a fight. There were things I would like to have said and I didn't.

I sent him a FB friend request today which he refused to accept, so that to me now is the closure I needed and no more conversation required.

My advise: learn how to have an argument without getting at someone’s throat before you go into a relationship again

If you don’t know where to start I would suggest Marshall b Rosenberg nonviolent communication
Id also suggest working on your attitude of inner peace and other beliefs towards disagreements and conflicts

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My advise: learn how to have an argument without getting at someone’s throat before you go into a relationship again

If you don’t know where to start I would suggest Marshall b Rosenberg nonviolent communication
Id also suggest working on your attitude of inner peace and other beliefs towards disagreements and conflicts

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That's quite funny actually, because he should be the one reading that. It started as a conversation where I tried to tell him about something he did that I didn't like (he showed up at my door 50 minutes before the agreed time) and he was the one that started to get furious and defensive and argumentative.

I was quite stunned at how he reacted to be honest and it made me feel very nervous and anxious and that's why I decided to break up.

You got made because he showed up early? Now you want to continue to rake him over the coals for this? Bad bad plan. Learn to get closure without talking break ups to death after the fact

If you have something left unsaid, hand write it on a piece of paper. Do not type it When you are done, put the letter in a drawer. Do not send it to him. Re=read it a week later. When you get to a point where you can reread the letter & not cringe, find a safe space & burn it. Watch the smoke drift away. Use that visual to let it go

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Originally Posted by DalM0m [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You got made because he showed up early? Now you want to continue to rake him over the coals for this? Bad bad plan. Learn to get closure without talking break ups to death after the fact

If you have something left unsaid, hand write it on a piece of paper. Do not type it When you are done, put the letter in a drawer. Do not send it to him. Re=read it a week later. When you get to a point where you can reread the letter & not cringe, find a safe space & burn it. Watch the smoke drift away. Use that visual to let it go

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I didn't get mad because he showed up early, I got mad because he thought he was fine doing that. Please notice, I have a 7 year old son that is with me and I need to get him ready for his dad to pick him up. I also run my own online business. So the day before when he asked me what time can I arrive at yours, I told him 3pm so I can have everything done regarding my son and my business.

He knew that and completely ignored it, showing up 50 minutes earlier and when I told him that, he said he sees nothing wrong in that, as in "it's just life". Well guess what, I have a life too and I have boundaries. Telling him "I can meet at 3pm because it gives me enough time to get ready" is my boundaries.

And it wasn't the first time he did that. Other times before he showed up 10 minutes earlier, then 20, then 30, and it was increasing up to 50.

Please also notice that he hasn't met my son yet and that day when he showed up 50 minutes before, my son was still in my house with me, and I didn't feel ready for them to meet yet.

So the way he reacted when I told him that is not right to do, being defensive and argumentative, showed a lot of how he is.

Yes you are right, I guess the way things happened there was all the closure I needed. I'll do that letter thing, it might help. Thank you.

I hope the letter thing helps. I get the sense that he's just an early bird. Why couldn't he help get your son ready or have just plopped himself in front of your TV while you finished up?

I get it. You two are fundamentally incompatible if his repeated early arrivals bugged you that much but I think there may have been alternate solutions. You are apart now. Just leave it that way.

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Originally Posted by DalM0m [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hope the letter thing helps. I get the sense that he's just an early bird. Why couldn't he help get your son ready or have just plopped himself in front of your TV while you finished up?

I get it. You two are fundamentally incompatible if his repeated early arrivals bugged you that much but I think there may have been alternate solutions. You are apart now. Just leave it that way.

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I told you that in my previous post. He hasn't already met my son because I felt it was too soon and I wasn't ready for that.

Yes I don't like him to arrive that early, it is abusive and shows no respect to my boundaries. That is a huge red flag to me. It is my house and I said 3pm, that needs to be respected. After all, why did he ask the previous day at what time I would be ready for him to arrive, just to completely ignore it the next day!?

It could have been alternate solutions yes, and my goal was not to break up with him that day, but to have a conversation. The way he reacted, all angry and argumentative, showed who he is. And yes we are apart now.

Its funny but that's how it about internet dating. It starts easy and ends easy. Guess because two really different people can meet that way and become close.

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Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its funny but that's how it about internet dating. It starts easy and ends easy. Guess because two really different people can meet that way and become close.

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Not really. Lots of people meet through online dating sites and have wonderful relationships.

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Originally Posted by blabla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not really. Lots of people meet through online dating sites and have wonderful relationships.

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Never seen a beautiful ending. All longterm serious relationships I see came from people knowing each other in real life first.

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Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Never seen a beautiful ending. All longterm serious relationships I see came from people knowing each other in real life first.

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I met my ex-husband online too, and I was married for 9 years and had a son. So, yes, it was a long-term serious relationship.

Does it really matter where you meet? It really doesn't. What matters is listening to how you feel.

In older days it was different. People used to fix relationships. These days they just create new ones. Theres a Next mentality - problems? Find next person to date on tinder in minutes. Just like someone browsing internet pages and get bored in minutes, then swap next page. Same happens in internet dating these days. Back in the day people was more real even on internet. Mentality have changed a lot.

Well I cannot speak for the thousands of people on the Internet, in my case it wasn’t that ‘next’ mentality what happened.

I wanted to have a comversation with him and get into a compromise and by his behaviour (lashing out and being angry and defensive) he showed me who he is and how he deals with things when they are not in the bubble love. That’s why I broke up with him.

I’m not in a hurry for the ‘next’ person either.

Dude, the pendulum swings both ways. Good luck and dont be arrogant or stubborn. Life has a way of working itself out.

There's a big difference between being punctual and disregarding somebody else's feelings/wishes. I myself tend to be very punctual... but that "punctual" would not include showing up to somebody's place nearly an hour early. Especially given the way you apparently worded it to him. It isn't like you said "Oh, I don't know, maybe around 3:00." You said "Come by at 3:00 because that gives me enough time to get ready."

So, in my personal opinion, I absolutely agree it is rude to come THAT early. You told him to come at 3:00 so you had time to get ready. So, essentially, whether this was his intention or not, that's basically like him saying "I don't care if you are ready or not. You be ready on MY time."

I think calling it "abusive" may be a bit of a stretch. At least as far as his being their way too early. Inconsiderate, yes, but abusive, I don't know. ...However it sounds like his reaction to you not being happy about it COULD very well be described as abusive. Now, I don't know exactly how it is you handled it with him in the first place. It could be possible maybe you over-reacted a bit and that put him on the defensive. I don't know. I wasn't there to witness it. It just doesn't make his reaction okay even if you did.

I definitely do understand what some of the other folks have said. Being early should be seen as a good quality.... when somebody is early within a reasonable time frame. Ten minutes... okay, maybe a little annoying, but I wouldn't say that is early enough that you should get annoyed about it. ...But almost an hour early?! Yeah, I'm with you on that. Anyway, sounds like you got all the closure you need now based on him not even bothering to give you the chance to talk. So, good for you. You probably are better off to just move on to somebody else anyway. Good luck to you.

So he gets mad at you
And you react by quitting the relationship?

I intentionally directed this advice to YOU
Since you are responsible and have to be the one changing if you want results

We don't know the thing that he did and unwilling to compromise. At the end of the day, you ended the relationship. There's nothing to be said unless you want to get back with him.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There's a big difference between being punctual and disregarding somebody else's feelings/wishes. I myself tend to be very punctual... but that "punctual" would not include showing up to somebody's place nearly an hour early. Especially given the way you apparently worded it to him. It isn't like you said "Oh, I don't know, maybe around 3:00." You said "Come by at 3:00 because that gives me enough time to get ready."

So, in my personal opinion, I absolutely agree it is rude to come THAT early. You told him to come at 3:00 so you had time to get ready. So, essentially, whether this was his intention or not, that's basically like him saying "I don't care if you are ready or not. You be ready on MY time."

I think calling it "abusive" may be a bit of a stretch. At least as far as his being their way too early. Inconsiderate, yes, but abusive, I don't know. ...However it sounds like his reaction to you not being happy about it COULD very well be described as abusive. Now, I don't know exactly how it is you handled it with him in the first place. It could be possible maybe you over-reacted a bit and that put him on the defensive. I don't know. I wasn't there to witness it. It just doesn't make his reaction okay even if you did.

I definitely do understand what some of the other folks have said. Being early should be seen as a good quality.... when somebody is early within a reasonable time frame. Ten minutes... okay, maybe a little annoying, but I wouldn't say that is early enough that you should get annoyed about it. ...But almost an hour early?! Yeah, I'm with you on that. Anyway, sounds like you got all the closure you need now based on him not even bothering to give you the chance to talk. So, good for you. You probably are better off to just move on to somebody else anyway. Good luck to you.

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I think he acted like a child to be honest. He was so keen and eager to see me that he didn't even think that it would be disrespectful to come so early.

I know he didn't do it because he is a bad person, but he didn't think before he acted either.

Yes I was annoyed when I talked to him but I was being assertive, not agressive. Anyway, I think if he didn't overreacted we could have talked things through and get to a compromise because it was never my intention to break up in the first place.

I also guess that the way he reacted (angry and defensive) pulled my triggers and I got on a "fight or flight mode", because I used to have those kind of arguments with my ex-husband and I can't stand it nowadays.

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Originally Posted by blabla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I also guess that the way he reacted (angry and defensive) pulled my triggers and I got on a "fight or flight mode", because I used to have those kind of arguments with my ex-husband and I can't stand it nowadays.

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Its seems like you both had baggage from past that did stand in a way here.

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Originally Posted by madotnw_nihs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We don't know the thing that he did and unwilling to compromise. At the end of the day, you ended the relationship. There's nothing to be said unless you want to get back with him.

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My intention that day wasn't to end the relationship. I got scared by the way he reacted and just wanted to get away from it. Basically I entered into a "fight or flight" mode.

Yes I do miss him now and would like to have a conversation with him about it (a normal peaceful conversation), but he refused to accept my Facebook friend invite 2 days ago, so I guess he moved on and want nothing to do with me now.

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Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its seems like you both had baggage from past that did stand in a way here.

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Yes, absolutely.

Then since you can’t work on his baggage
Work on your own

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then since you can’t work on his baggage
Work on your own

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Yes that's what I am trying to do.

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Originally Posted by blabla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think he acted like a child to be honest. He was so keen and eager to see me that he didn't even think that it would be disrespectful to come so early.

I know he didn't do it because he is a bad person, but he didn't think before he acted either.

Yes I was annoyed when I talked to him but I was being assertive, not agressive. Anyway, I think if he didn't overreacted we could have talked things through and get to a compromise because it was never my intention to break up in the first place.

I also guess that the way he reacted (angry and defensive) pulled my triggers and I got on a "fight or flight mode", because I used to have those kind of arguments with my ex-husband and I can't stand it nowadays.

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And again, since none of us were there to witness it, we can't necessarily say if it was enough of a reason to break up with somebody in OUR opinions. ...But here's the thing. It is your life. Not ours. It WAS enough of a reason to end things TO YOU. As far as I am concerned, that is all that matters. And to be honest, I can't blame you. I understand. You were ABSOLUTELY justified to ask him not to come so far in advance of the time you asked him to come. Especially given that you said you were assertive about it but not aggressive. You are probably right in that he PROBABLY doesn't do it in a blatantly disrespectful way. He probably is just obliviously thinking "well, early is better than late." It's just, just as you say, that doesn't make it okay.

And, just as you say, it isn't like that, in and of itself was the problem. You said so yourself that you had no intention of ending the relationship that day. It was his reaction to your reasonable requests that he respect your wishes. It was his over-reaction, getting defensive and angry and bordering on (if not crossing the border) abusive behavior. Now, if that being a deal-breaker for you is partly or even in whole because of past baggage, then it is all well and good to work on that and hope to work past it for future you.... but that still doesn't mean I personally blame you in this case anyway. I can understand why that kind of reaction would be make or break for you.

And yet, even after all that, you were still willing to at least talk it out. To me, that shows the sign of a mature, responsible adult. He wouldn't even give you the chance, which says all you need to know, I think. Anyway, that was a lot of blah blah blah to basically say that I think you did the right thing for you. And I think you will be fine in time. You'll find somebody better. Never hurts to work on self-improvement along the way, of course.... But, in time you will find somebody who will mesh better with you anyway. Good luck to you.

I'd leave him be in all honesty, no letter, at most, I would send a message just saying you would like to talk about things and clear things up or work things out.

He did mess up, you're in a situation where you have things that needed to be done. He should have just apologized and agreed with you in that situation, it was a good time for him to compromise. Instead, it sounds like he just got all mad and upset. And how does that help the situation. It does well the opposite.

Its funny how many relationships end because of misunderstanding and unsaid words. But in the relationship is as strong as strong is communication. There's just so much time to say things and if you don't say them the well you don't say them and often there is no second chance.

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Originally Posted by blabla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Me and this guy met online and dated for 2 months.

We were really close but around a week ago we had an ugly argument about something we didn't agree. He did something I didn't like and he thought he did nothing wrong and was quite defensive and argumentative, I got scared and I broke up with him.

The next day we met so I could return his stuff he left at my house. After I gave him the things, he asked me "that's it"? I think he wanted to talk, but I was really mad at him and said "yeah that's it", and left.

I unfriended him on social media and both me and him deleted all photos of each other from social media. We just didn't delete phone numbers, as I can still see him on whatsapp.

Now a week and a half later I miss him, although I'm not sure I would want to get back together. I would like though to have a proper conversation with him about what happened, because we didn't have one. I guess that would help me (and maybe him too) move on.

I was thinking in adding him again as a friend on Facebook and see if he accepts, before I contact him and say I would like to have a conversation, because at this point I don't even know if he wants to speak to me ever again.

Any advice? Thank you.

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Don't do it. The conversation isn't going to go the way you're envisioning it.

The moment to have had that conversation sailed when you said "yeah, that's it".

These are minor problems that could have been resolved if you two have a proper conversation about it. Instead, it was blown up to a huge fight that led to a break-up. But that is usually how relationships end. It happens a lot. Maybe he will calm down and want to talk about this in the future or maybe he won't ever want to talk to you again. If he refuse to talk to you, there is nothing you can do. Just try to learn from this and communicate better next time.

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies.

Well after 1 month he sent a text message 2 days ago saying he feels uncomfortable with how things ended between us, that he has no bad feelings from him, he enjoyed our time together, that I inspired him in many ways and he respects that. And that he is still my friend if I want him to be.

I responded saying there are no bad feelings from me either and I'm happy to be friends. He responded saying that's great, and sent me an invite to be friends again on Facebook which I accepted. We haven't talked again since that.

I just realised that I do miss him and I still feel I would like to have a conversation with him about what happened. But I'm not sure about him, if that's what he wants too. Maybe he really just want us to stay friends and nothing else, because he would have said something else if he wanted, right?

Everything happens because of misunderstanding. Understanding each other well is important in any relationship. Communication is a key in any relationship. Talk and get sorted

I don't know if I necessarily agree with anathiM. That's good that he reached out to be friends again, but I sort of feel like if he wanted to talk about it in more detail he would have said that. At this point, I personally don't see any reason to talk about it any further. Mainly because my personal advice would be to consider him a friend at best, or probably even better just to consider him a casual acquaintance. If you decide he will remain just a friend/acguaintance to you, then what would be the point of having that conversation anyway? I would personally NOT suggest giving him another chance as a date/potential boyfriend.

Sure, maybe he grew to feel bad about how things ended... but I highly doubt he changed all that much so quickly. If you two tried to rekindle the relationship, maybe he'd be more reasonable.... about that one issue. Maybe he'd actually start coming at a more reasonable time based on when you ask him to come.... but eventually there would be some other really minor issue where he'd needlessly blow up at you. He'd almost certainly over-react to something and cause another big fight over something that could have easily just been a civilized discussion.

I can't tell you what to do. If you feel you need to talk to him about it, then maybe reach out and see if he is open to the conversation. But, it just isn't what I would personally recommend. Again, I also would NOT recommend dating him again. But, again, if you thought there could have been something there and want to see if it could work this time, I cannot tell you what to do. You have to do what feels right for you. I just personally doubt anything would change the second time.

Good luck to you either way.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know if I necessarily agree with anathiM. That's good that he reached out to be friends again, but I sort of feel like if he wanted to talk about it in more detail he would have said that. At this point, I personally don't see any reason to talk about it any further. Mainly because my personal advice would be to consider him a friend at best, or probably even better just to consider him a casual acquaintance. If you decide he will remain just a friend/acguaintance to you, then what would be the point of having that conversation anyway? I would personally NOT suggest giving him another chance as a date/potential boyfriend.

Sure, maybe he grew to feel bad about how things ended... but I highly doubt he changed all that much so quickly. If you two tried to rekindle the relationship, maybe he'd be more reasonable.... about that one issue. Maybe he'd actually start coming at a more reasonable time based on when you ask him to come.... but eventually there would be some other really minor issue where he'd needlessly blow up at you. He'd almost certainly over-react to something and cause another big fight over something that could have easily just been a civilized discussion.

I can't tell you what to do. If you feel you need to talk to him about it, then maybe reach out and see if he is open to the conversation. But, it just isn't what I would personally recommend. Again, I also would NOT recommend dating him again. But, again, if you thought there could have been something there and want to see if it could work this time, I cannot tell you what to do. You have to do what feels right for you. I just personally doubt anything would change the second time.

Good luck to you either way.

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Thank you.

We did talk briefly through text message about what happened, saying that things escalated, we said things we didn't mean, and said sorry to each other. But it was all very surface level conversation, none of us went deeper into details of what happened, and I felt that was because neither of us want to get back together, so what's the point?

I do not want to date him again. Of course I thought about it, but as you said, other issues would come up and I feel that what happened and how he dealt with things is just the way he is, and it wasn't a misunderstanding or anything like that. And of course the way he is would come up again in the future.

Also, I don't want to be with someone scared of what's going to go wrong again and having to break up again. I also don't want to be with a man that I want him to change to be the type of man I want. Better be on my own and free to meet my right match.

Yeah online dating is hard- the "next!" syndrome. I have been in your shoes where I got mad and broke up then regretted it too. I think the non acceptance of the facebook request was your answer.

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Also wanted to say the ball is in his court now, only thing you can do is no contact and see what happens.

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Originally Posted by blabla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you.

We did talk briefly through text message about what happened, saying that things escalated, we said things we didn't mean, and said sorry to each other. But it was all very surface level conversation, none of us went deeper into details of what happened, and I felt that was because neither of us want to get back together, so what's the point?

I do not want to date him again. Of course I thought about it, but as you said, other issues would come up and I feel that what happened and how he dealt with things is just the way he is, and it wasn't a misunderstanding or anything like that. And of course the way he is would come up again in the future.

Also, I don't want to be with someone scared of what's going to go wrong again and having to break up again. I also don't want to be with a man that I want him to change to be the type of man I want. Better be on my own and free to meet my right match.

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Yes! Good for you. Heck, I'll even do you one better. You'd even be better off alone than you would with somebody you know isn't right for you. Unfortunately, I know that myself from experience.

It sounds like your head is in a pretty good place now. I definitely understand it can be nice to get the official closure. Usually, though, the time to do that is when you break up. So, maybe you never fully got the closure you wanted initially, but I think it sounds like now everything else that has transpired has at least given you the closure you needed. At least I hope you feel that way. You'll get another chance soon enough, and I hope that time it is with somebody worth your time.

For now, just take some time focusing on remembering that you are pretty darn awesome yourself. That if he didn't appreciate that enough then somebody else will. Of course, it isn't like I am saying you decide you are God's gift to the world. LOL! I'm not suggesting you become cocky.... just that you give yourself some very deserved credit. Good luck to you.