please help. messed up situation after being left by a coworker/ friend.

I have been friends with benefits with my coworker for almost a year (it began after a month since I started working here). though I really wanted more almost all of the time.

during this time, I was briefly seeing another guy, when the 'benefits situation' kind of faded. but then that coworker said he is jealous and has feelings for me. I told him the same thing but we decided to remain friends (this was his choice).

then later the sparks started flying around again and we again slept together and then again and again.. and we confessed we both had feelings for each other. then i told him we should probably try and be together or stop communicating totally since there's too much going on between us and we end up in the same situation all the time anyways. he agreed to try being together, because he couldn't stand the fact that we wouldn't be talking to each other and he didn't want to lose me as a friend.

I broke up with that other guy, who was my bf by then. and we began 'seeing if there can be anything more' between me and that coworker.

then after a week he said he doesn't feel what he should and he doesn't see a bright future for us and he only loves me as a friend and we need to end it.

I said I will need to take some time and not speak with him for a while. he said he will give me space, but then I will have to be his best friends again. I wrote him a letter, that I always felt something for him and I won't speak to him for a while, but not because I am mad or wouldn't care, but just because it's too difficult for me and that I don't really see us being same friends we used to be.

it's all awkward at work now: there were 4 of us -best work buddies- me, him and one couple - we used to always go to lunch together, grab some beers after work and so on.. and now since I stopped talking to him, I never go to lunch with them anymore or anywhere. we don'd even say hi to each other anymore.

He once asked if I will ever speak to him again. I just replied with a closed mouth emoji and he said he's is extremely sad because of that. I thought about starting to talk to him again, maybe even offer him to meet up some evening (I recently moved very close to him) and smoke a joint (we used to do that a lot) and kind of make peace with him.

but then I saw him with another girl. Two weeks after he left me. and it felt like a tone of bricks hit my chest. and now it hurts much more and I don't want to talk to him at all now.

and then couple days ago he invited me to go to lunch with him and I refused. and then later I asked him about this project (we work on the same side project and I can't completely avoid talking to him) but I kept it as minimal as possible. He replied he doesn't give a shit and I can do whatever I want and we just need to finish it as soon as possible so we can stop talking whatsoever.

so now i am mad at him even more than I am hurt. I mean - he left me, he said it himself that he'll give me space and now he is mad because I won't go to lunch with him? what the hell?

Though I am again seeing that guy I left for my coworker. I like him and he's a really good guy, but I don't really feel much for him. I believe it's a reverse situation like between me and my coworker - one feels much more than the other. But I can't get my coworker out of my mind. I keep thinking about him all the time and I feel jealous that he has another girl now. and I feel hurt that he found her so soon. and this whole situation just sucks. and I can't focus on work at all now.

how to deal with all of this? what do I do?

You stop being a selfish bitch for one

If he doesn't love you you can be sad
You can communicate this
And you can communicate that being with him knowing he doesn't love you is painful to you

Not talking to people is something you do when you are 8 years old
Not as a responsible adult

You don't have to invite him over
You don't have to open up to him
You don't have to small talk if you don't feel it
But you can
It doesn't change the fact that you are hurt
But it's not as if he did this intentionally

Whereas I may not exactly agree with the manner in which it was delivered, I do very much agree with Hooo's general sentiments. Though, just as I don't think this guy necessarily intentionally hurt you, I also don't think you are being intentionally selfish either. Sometimes we can't help how we feel, especially in heightened situations like this.

Can I ask one thing I didn't quite get? I'm not sure if I just missed this part, but how long has it been that you've been going sort of no-contact with him? Because I definitely DO agree with you that you had every right to take some time away from him, not talking or being friendly with each other, to process your thoughts and feelings. I think sometimes you do need that.

At the same time, though, there some be some kind of time frame on that. At least in a situation like yours. He told you he still wanted to be friends, you told him you needed some time to decide if you can do that. If you ultimately decide you CAN'T and it is too hard for you, then that is perfectly within your rights, and that is not wrong.

What would be wrong, though, would be to leave him in limbo forever having to wonder. For example, when he flat out asked you, and you respond with nothing but a closed-mouth emoji.... I don't think you were being very fair. Yes, you asked for time and space, but he wasn't asking to disrespect you or hurt you. He asked because he cared about you and didn't want to lose you. I can understand why he'd be upset by your response.

Like I said, don't get me wrong. I'm not meaning to blame you. I understand why you had a hard time dealing with this. It's just, at some point you need/needed to make a decision and share that with him. Whether that meant you two could go back to being good friends, or it had to mean you couldn't... at least decide that and share it with him.

And you can certainly still be friendly even if you can't be actively friends. As in, if you two have to work together in your workplace, you should be able to do so cordially. You don't HAVE to actively be friends to do that.

That said, it was an unfortunate situation, and that does suck. So I understand you got hurt in this and I am very sorry that had to happen to you. But if the situation with him didn't quite work out, it will with somebody else. Maybe even your current boyfriend ultimately won't be that somebody else. It sort of sounds like you aren't all that into him. But you will eventually find the right somebody. There are so many bad people out there who use/hurt people intentionally, or at least without caring. I think it sounds like this guy never meant to hurt you, the situation just didn't work out. You are not wrong for that, but nor is he.

Bet of luck to you.

Most people aren't essentially selfish if you ask them about it.
Same goes for stupid, or bad people

Look at trump
He doesn't think he's an idiot

thank you both for your advice.



as of today it's been three weeks since I went no contact with him.



I don't agree that's something you do only when you are 8. It's just too painful for me to be friends with him right now. I remember too much of everything and it makes me feel too much of everything just being near him. And especially after seeing him with another girl. You do have to understand that's a painful thing.



And I really needed more time before I could go to lunch with him again. I think someday I will be able to do it easily. I believe we might actually end up being really good friends.



And as far as work stuff goes - I did talk to him about it. We had a couple of short conversations about work. I really wanted to keep that professional and talk to him strictly about work in a normal grown-up manner. I do understand he didn't want to hurt me (he said that himself numerous times - and meant it) and that things just didn't work out. And I believe he tried to make it work and that he really wants to stay friends. And I am not angry with him or anything about that. I am simply just hurt.



But then he was the one who stopped saying 'hi' to me. And after he invited me to lunch (which turns out was another friend's idea) and I declined, and he became pissed off or whatever and after I asked him about work again he was very mean and said 'I don't give a shit, let's just finish it faster and not talk' - then I became pissed off too. I mean I told him I needed time, and he said he will give me space. and I explained that I am just hurt and not mad or anything and that it's too difficult to talk to him. And he was the one who became mad and pissed off first. Even though I absolutely see no reason for him to be like that.



What should I do?

I am afraid to let this go too far to the point where we are both just mad at each other for no apparent reason and we never talk to each other anymore.



I am thinking about saying something to him. But I am not sure what.

I think to suggest him to meat up some evening (we do live right across the street). But I don't know what to tell him. I feel like i should apologise, but I am not sure for what.

And that maybe he is the one who needs to apologise. I used to always be the one to apologise first and make peace and make everything ok. And put everyone else's needs in front of mine and put up with everything and just give in. And now for once I want to stand up for myself and value myself and take care of myself... I don't know.. Really makes me sick just a thought about him falling in love with someone else.. :( It hurts.

As i said
Not Being friends doesn't mean you can't even talk to him


I know that a ended relationship hurts. I know how deep it hurts. I know this exactly. And i wish that i didn't

However i still don't get your reaction

If talking to him is "too painful" then i suggest
1) quitting your job or
2) realizing that it is not he who is hurting you - it's you who are hurting yourself with memories of him as your weapon of choice and with jealousy and the feeling that you are not enough as your munition

You are wonderful

Maybe this time it didn't work out
Maybe he will be happy with someone else
But maybe you will too
And maybe you will one day be very very happy that you did not end up with that guy who gets pissed for no reason

I know you are totally right about all of this. It's not him who is hurting me and one day this will all be just a memory and we will probably be both happy with somebody else.

But now it is weird.
first of all - I was talking to him (about work stuff only) and tried to keep it professional. And then he stopped saying hello to me and got pissed of when I didn't want to go to lunch with him.

How I imagined all of this - we keep our distance but stay professional and still communicate at work if there's a need for it. And I tried to do so.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for me to just keep it at that and not want to go to lunch with him or with him and two of our other work friends, who are a couple btw (all four of us used to go to lunch together all the time). And I see no reason for him to be pissed at me because of that.
I understand he didn't want to lose me as a friend - he said that a million times. He said he cares about me and loves me as a friend and would never want to hurt me or lose me. But he should understand that I just can't be his best friend again. At least not now. (When he broke up with me and I said I will need to not talk to him for a while, he said "I will give you space, but then you will have to be my best friend again".)

I don't want this weird tension between us and I don't want anyone to be angry with anyone, but I just can't go back to the way we were before. Like chatting and sending each other funny cute dog pics or smoking joints after work or going to lunch together or whatever... I kind of want to say something to him, but at the same time I don't because now I am a little pissed off too for him getting pissed off for no reason. And I already said this in a letter to him before. I just don't know how to handle this whole situation. Like what do I do or say exactly?

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Most people aren't essentially selfish if you ask them about it.
Same goes for stupid, or bad people

Look at trump
He doesn't think he's an idiot

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Okay. Definitely a good point. Especially that last bit. LOL!

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

as of today it's been three weeks since I went no contact with him.

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Okay... well, maybe it is just me, but then I definitely think three weeks is not even near enough time for him to have any right to get impatient.... Especially considering you said it was three weeks as of NOW... meaning it was even less when he flipped out on you.

I do still think you need to eventually figure it out and share that with him.... but I definitely feel like he did not give you enough time and that was not fair of him. I mean, you asked for some time to process your feelings. What did he think "some time" meant two days or something? These are some pretty complicated feelings you are trying to process.

Now, we've not been privy to any interactions you two have had. Maybe there's been something in the way you two have interacted during this period that has made him upset. That could be an explanation... but it's definitely no excuse. It sounds to me like you've been perfectly fair and dealt with it in the best way you can. It sounds, too, like he expected you to just magically get over it and move on.

He claims he still wants to be your friend... well friends don't treat their friends the way he's treating you. Especially not when they've asked for some time to process hurt feelings. I guess the only thing I would have suggested had you come to us before would be to just be honest with him if/when he asked. Instead of responding with just an ambiguous emoji and nothing more, just say "I really appreciate that you care. I'm still figuring things out, but I promise we'll talk soon."

Again, though, I get why maybe you just couldn't bring yourself to do that yet. Sounds like he is unfortunately showing you some truths about him that are not so flattering. It sounds to me like, in time, you'll see that you are much better off without him as a romantic partner. It maybe could even still lead to you two eventually being friends.

As for what to do for right now... I would just say not to rush into the discussion if you aren't ready. Don't feel like you have to be pressured into the discussion before you've really processed your feelings and thoughts. It'd be one thing if it had been MONTHS and you were still processing. Then I'd say maybe you owe it to him to figure it out and talk. But it's not yet even been one whole month.

However, when you ARE ready, I'd say talk to him. I'd also say don't apologize. At least that's what I think. Nor should you necessarily expect him to apologize. He probably SHOULD given how he's treated you recently, but don't expect it or demand it. Just tell him "I needed some time to process things. I do feel like I've done that now and here is how I feel...." and just share your feelings. If you think you can be friends with him, share that. If you think you can't then say that as well. But, whatever you say, do try to remember that it seems like he never meant to hurt you. So, as best you can, deliver the message (even if it winds up having to be a difficult one) in a way you think you'd want somebody to deliver it to you if it were the other way around.

Best of luck to you. You WILL find somebody special some day. Maybe it's not him, but it will be somebody. For now, just take some time to remember that you are pretty damn awesome whether you have somebody or not. :)

Maybe he just misses her too and gets pissed because of that?

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I definitely think three weeks is not even near enough time for him to have any right to get impatient.... Especially considering you said it was three weeks as of NOW... meaning it was even less when he flipped out on you.

What did he think "some time" meant two days or something?

It sounds, too, like he expected you to just magically get over it and move on.

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Exactly what I was thinking. Especially when he said it himself he'll give me time... I am not gonna just get over it overnight.. This whole thing probably meant much less to him than it did to me and he doesn't get what it really meant to me and can't understand what's taking me so long to become 'his best friend again'.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well friends don't treat their friends the way he's treating you.

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Also what I was thinking.
Though he has always been very impatient and he always lights up fast and acts upon his emotions. And he has often been rude or mean to me in the past. Like if I do something that irritates him, he doesn't just politely say that, he yells at me. And I noticed that it's ONLY ME, who he treats this way (among coworkers or as much as I noticed among his friends).
Then once when we were at a festival high on mdma he opened up and said 'I feel extremely shitty every time I say something mean to you and i am very sorry about it, but it's only because you are a really close friend to me and I can totally relax and be myself around you'. So according to this he does treat his close friends shittier than 'just colleagues'... Though I get what he means - we're such close friends there's no need anymore to be formally polite or pretend anything. I actually value that a lot. Not many friends I have that with.

More and more often I feel like it's all gonna be ok and maybe we can even be friends once again, especially after a few days of not even seeing him.

But this morning he came into work and came over to say 'hi' - for the first time in over two weeks. Was nice. But it was also the first time in three weeks that I looked into his eyes. And then immediately all these uncontrollable thoughts about him and that other girl came to my mind..And I felt a little sick again. I know it's stupid, but can't help it.
So I think it will take a little more time for me to get over this whole thing and I won't rush into any discussions with him. I will talk with him eventually though, once I am sure I am ok. It's definitely time to take care of myself now. Even though he might be missing his 'best friend' and feeling sad about me not talking to him... I am not going to put his emotions in front of mine and I will do what I feel is best for me now.

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe he just misses her too and gets pissed because of that?

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I thought that as well. Since there is literally no reason for him to get pissed off. There was nothing in any of our interactions that could have made him react like this. Well maybe that emoji, when he asked me if I will ever talk to him again. But still - is that a reason enough to get angry with me? He must consider the fact that I am hurting after this whole thing.

Though he once said that he has felt all kinds of feelings towards me and very recently he was even mad at me and he didn't even realise why and then he understood what the saying 'there's a thin line between love and hate' meant. And at that time I definitely felt this weird tension and I felt that he was angry with me and I felt exactly the same and thought the exact same thing - 'there is a thin line between love and hate'.

Well, at least one thing's for sure - we're not indifferent about each other.

Thank you both for your advice and support. I appreciate it very very much.

I suggest speaking with him about this

This discussion is getting us nowhere

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Exactly what I was thinking. Especially when he said it himself he'll give me time... I am not gonna just get over it overnight.. This whole thing probably meant much less to him than it did to me and he doesn't get what it really meant to me and can't understand what's taking me so long to become 'his best friend again'.

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That actually may be part of it. To him, maybe it wasn't such a big deal. I don't even mean that as a negative thing. It actually may not be. It just may be that he was more casual about it. Maybe he wanted to see if you two could be more than friends, he felt like it didn't work, so to him it seemed simple. Just go back to being friends. The thing is, it wasn't that simple for you. Often that can be very difficult. But, again, just because maybe it wasn't that big a deal to him obviously doesn't automatically mean it wasn't to you. He doesn't seem to get that even if he pretends to, and that is a shame. If nothing else, though, at least it does show that you meant something to him. That losing you hurts him. So, even if he isn't handing it well, I think it does at least show that he sincerely cares. Not that I say that to imply you definitely have to accept him back as a friend. You don't HAVE to even if you truly feel he had the noblest of intentions. If you ultimately decide it is just too hard for you to be friends with him, then you need to do what is right for you.

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Also what I was thinking.
Though he has always been very impatient and he always lights up fast and acts upon his emotions. And he has often been rude or mean to me in the past. Like if I do something that irritates him, he doesn't just politely say that, he yells at me. And I noticed that it's ONLY ME, who he treats this way (among coworkers or as much as I noticed among his friends).
Then once when we were at a festival high on mdma he opened up and said 'I feel extremely shitty every time I say something mean to you and i am very sorry about it, but it's only because you are a really close friend to me and I can totally relax and be myself around you'. So according to this he does treat his close friends shittier than 'just colleagues'... Though I get what he means - we're such close friends there's no need anymore to be formally polite or pretend anything. I actually value that a lot. Not many friends I have that with.

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That is kind of good and bad. It is definitely good that he feels open enough with you to be real. He doesn't have to put on a facade and act like he's something he's not. Sadly, that is often how really bad people get way too deeply into our lives before we realize they are really bad people. From what you've shared with us, I don't think he's a bad person.... but I do think he has made some bad choices in how he's treated you recently. That whole "I'm comfortable being real with you" CAN, unfortunately, turn into "I'm an a-hole, but I think being honest about being an a-hole makes it okay." I HOPE that isn't the case with him, but some people are like that. It's why I've never been a huge fan of the phrase so many like to throw around "If you can't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best." I agree with the INTENDED message behind that catch-phrase. What I don't agree with is all the a-holes who think they can use that as an excuse to be an a-hole and think people are supposed to just be okay with that. But, hopefully he's not like that anyway.

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

More and more often I feel like it's all gonna be ok and maybe we can even be friends once again, especially after a few days of not even seeing him.

But this morning he came into work and came over to say 'hi' - for the first time in over two weeks. Was nice. But it was also the first time in three weeks that I looked into his eyes. And then immediately all these uncontrollable thoughts about him and that other girl came to my mind..And I felt a little sick again. I know it's stupid, but can't help it.

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I don't think it is stupid at all. You had feelings for him, but it didn't quite work out. That's not something you can necessarily just get over like the flip of a switch. No matter how much you may think the person is good and meant well, it can be hard to get past that. You can't help your feelings. I think the very fact that you thought you were ready to give it a shot shows you are trying, and shows you are making progress. Maybe the hurt is still a little too fresh for you, but in time it will get better.

I guess the only thing I'd say is don't keep him waiting too long. That isn't to say you have to rush yourself. Nor is there any magical time frame for what is "too long." But, I just think it is likely best if you give him some answer before long. Even if you still feel uncertain, that can be your answer. You could tell him "I'm sorry. I know it has been a while. I thought I'd know what I wanted at this point, but I'm still not certain. For now, I guess let's just remain professional and friendly with each other, and assume we'll keep it there. I promise I'll share with you how I feel once I finally do feel I've figured it all out, but for now it is just better if we assume this is our new dynamic."

Obviously put that in your own words, but I think you get the idea. Hopefully in time you do figure it out, but you shouldn't feel rushed to do so.

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So I think it will take a little more time for me to get over this whole thing and I won't rush into any discussions with him. I will talk with him eventually though, once I am sure I am ok. It's definitely time to take care of myself now. Even though he might be missing his 'best friend' and feeling sad about me not talking to him... I am not going to put his emotions in front of mine and I will do what I feel is best for me now.

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As well you should. Sure, when you figure things out you can share that with him (if he's managed not to burn the bridge by then), but you need to worry more about yourself and not about what he wants. Best of luck to you. I hope it works out for you.

Thank you both for your advise. I appreciate it very very much, that you put your time and energy into my problems:).

I started talking to him again, after I heard at work that he is really really sick. So I asked him about his health. He was close by and invited me for a coffee. We talked about all the things that happened to us while not talking. It felt sooooo good. He seemed to have missed me a lot. And afterwards said he instantly felt much much better just from talking to me.

We met that same evening to smoke a joint together. I told him that those two other our friends from work were coming over for some drinks and invited him to stay. We all had a great night together like old times.

After that me and him met each other every single day after work. Smoking joints after work and he would drive me to work cuz he lives close by and it's been raining ... It's been a week like that.

Last saturday I was out with a friend and texted him and he was out with friends too. He asked me to join them and hired a cab for me cuz I was at another end of the city. Later he said when I finally arrived he felt as happy as a little kid to see me.

The next day he called me a couple of times and texted me to meet up, but I had things to do and was unavailable... In the evening we finally met and he came over.

He said there's a slight problem - he can't spend a day without me anymore. And even though we literally live less than 2 minutes apart he wants me to live even closer. And he said he's fallen in love with me. And he hopes I still like him enough to be with him. So now we are together.

Not like before. Before we just 'tried to see if there could be something'. We both agreed it was nonsense since four people had to talk him into it. And you either are being with somebody or you are not. There is no 'trying'. And now it was him who wanted this. And now we ARE together. And what we will TRY to do this time is to not **** it up, because we both believe this could grow into something really really great.

It's been exactly one year since the first time we saw each other.
He said all the things I've been waiting to hear for almost half of that time.
I couldn't be happier right now. :)))))



But there still is a little wall left around my heart. Given how he's been before I think it's natural. It is a little bit difficult for me to 'go all in' and totally let my self fall for him. I am just afraid he will suddenly change his mind or 'fall out of love' or decide it's not meant to be after all or something... This feeling sucks. I want to losen up and be totally in love and totally give my all to him, but that fear is stopping me and I am afraid it will **** this all up.
What should I do to get rid of this fear? Should I communicate these feelings to him or better not to scare him with this?

Honestly....

I think I would actually suggest you SHOULDN'T get rid of those feelings of doubt. Not YET, anyway. For now, you should just learn to manage them. As in to not let them drive, so to speak, too much. So you don't let it hinder what you two could become, but you also don't let your guard down fully.

I think, right now, those doubts are actually good for you. Because there has been a lot of back and forth in your history together. So it makes sense if part of you is concerned he may just change his mind again. Honestly, if things continue to go well (and I hope they do), I think you'll probably feel better in time.

So, I would personally suggest there really isn't anything you need to do for right now. As long as those fears don't hold you back from continuing to pursue this and see where it goes, then it may actually be good for you. It could help you to not fall too hard too fast, just in case he might turn around and change his mind all over again. If that DID happen, it will still hurt, but that will hopefully help it hurt less.

But, hopefully he DOESN'T change his mind. Hopefully this time things only move forward for you two. If that does happen, I think in time your fears, your doubts will start to fade away on their own.

Good luck to you. I am so happy to hear things are going well! :)

Yeah, that's what I thought too. Thank you very much for the input:) I though that I shouldn't totally let my guard down just yet, given all the stuff that happened in the past. But it's getting more and more difficult. Last night we had such a great time. Had dinner and watched a movie and didn't even drink or smoke anything (sober october:D) Felt really like a real couple and I feel so comfortable around him now.

The night before we had a serious conversation. That he had thoughts about us. Like what happens if we can't make it. He couldn't handle all this not talking again and that he feels pressure because of that. I told him he shouldn't feel that and of course I would never speak to him again if he suddenly changed his mind again and dumped me. It was kind of a joke but also kind of truth. And he also said he is not sure that this is for forever and what he wants is a serious real long term relationship, not just something for fun... I told him that nobody can ever be sure about that and that I also want a real long term relationship and that even though there is no reassurance that this is gonna last forever and stuff I still wanna do it and I like him a looooot and I want to be with him. And he said he wants to be with me too so we reassured out 'being together' in a way.

I still have two questions:

1. How do I not let those feelings of doubt ruin everything?
sometimes it gets rather difficult. Like if he doesn't text me or call me for a few hours I start getting these annoying intrusive thoughts like 'oh no, he probably realized he doesn't want me anymore...' or something like that. And I wasn't this insecure before. I guess it's natural with what we've had in the past. I dont' want to be this paranoid insecure crazy jealous girlfriend. So I am trying to be chill about it and I didn't say anything about this to him yet. Should I?

2. I don't want to seem too chill. since he said he wants a real serious relationship. We even joked about buying an apartment together. I want to reassure him that I want the same thing too. Because I know I can seem not very serious about stuff and even seem that I don't care, which is not the case here at all.
How can I communicate this to him? So that he knows that I am serious about us and that I am in this for the long run, but at the same time without seeing to clingy or something so don't scare him away also. But maybe he wouldn't get scared since he said it himself he wants a real serious long thing?

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

1. How do I not let those feelings of doubt ruin everything?
sometimes it gets rather difficult. Like if he doesn't text me or call me for a few hours I start getting these annoying intrusive thoughts like 'oh no, he probably realized he doesn't want me anymore...' or something like that. And I wasn't this insecure before. I guess it's natural with what we've had in the past. I dont' want to be this paranoid insecure crazy jealous girlfriend. So I am trying to be chill about it and I didn't say anything about this to him yet. Should I?

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I mean, if you ever figure out the magical answer to that one, please share it with us. LOL! Honestly, I think the trick is to learn, as best you can, to engage your intellectual side too. Sometimes you can't help those negative thoughts. You text and he doesn't get back to you IMMEDIATELY and that voice in your brain says "Well... it's over. He doesn't like me anymore." When in reality, he probably didn't see it yet.... or he was busy with something and couldn't answer quite yet. ...Or he ultimately texts you back a minute later instead of 30 second later. LOL! Believe me, I'm not making fun. I 100% understand how you feel.

So sometimes the trick is just learning to rationalize with yourself. When that voice starts going crazy with doubt, you just sit there and think it out. Like "You know... I did text him during work hours. Maybe he's just busy, or in a meeting or something." Or "You know... some people just aren't big on texting. As long as he gets back to me, who cares if it isn't right away? Things are going great right now, so why would I think that they aren't just because of a text?"

Believe me, it is not easy to do at first, but it is like any skill. You get better in time. Honestly, the truth is worrying so much isn't helpful. If things are going to go bad, that's going to happen anyway whether you keep worrying about it or not. If things AREN'T going to go bad, then you'll see that and in time you'll feel better.

So, I know it is SO much easier said than done, but I think the best thing to do for that is just learn to better manage it. To better rationalize it out in your own mind. If my personal experience is any good example, you'll never completely stop those thoughts. To try to force yourself to do so just makes them worse. So, better to learn to understand them more, and understand when you are worrying for no reason. Understand when you can easily and rationally explain to yourself why you are probably just worrying too much.

But, there may come times when you can't quite do that. When the doubt is too nagging. As long as you don't let it get to that point too much, it doesn't hurt to talk to him about it now and then. Not in an accusatory way, mind you. Not something like "Why do you take so long to text me. Don't you care?" More so maybe something like "Hey, is everything okay? I feel like we aren't talking as much." Or something like that. I don't know how exactly to articulate what I mean, but hopefully you get the idea.

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

2. I don't want to seem too chill. since he said he wants a real serious relationship. We even joked about buying an apartment together. I want to reassure him that I want the same thing too. Because I know I can seem not very serious about stuff and even seem that I don't care, which is not the case here at all.
How can I communicate this to him? So that he knows that I am serious about us and that I am in this for the long run, but at the same time without seeing to clingy or something so don't scare him away also. But maybe he wouldn't get scared since he said it himself he wants a real serious long thing?

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You know, with that one I think the best advice is just to be true to who you are/how you feel. In other words, don't overdo it trying to appear chill.... but also don't go overboard trying to seem way too into it. Just be honest and open about how you are feeling. Within reason, of course. Just as an extreme example, if you just started dating somebody and you were already dropping marriage hints.... yeah.... probably you should dial it back. LOL!

I think with that, just enjoy it for what it is and let time show you where it is going. But, at the same time, don't be afraid to talk about it now and then. Now may be a little too early to have all that serious a talk... but in time if things seem to be going well, it doesn't hurt to talk about it. See if you two are on the same page. If you two are equally feeling like this could grow to be something special. I wish it were easier to explain what I mean. It's such a delicate balance that I don't quite now how to put it in words. But, again, I think you learn that balance with time. If a few months pass and you two are together, but nothing seems to be moving forward at all... maybe that's a time to talk about it. But, for now I think just enjoy it and see where things take you.

Best of luck to you. I hope it continues to go well. And, like I said... if it does I think you'll see that will help you calm down a little in time.

Thank you once again. I really appreciate your advice. It feels like you really get how I feel. It's very very helpful to have that:).

I am trying to rationalize whenever those feelings of doubt arise, but I my emotions always control me. I always act up on emotions rather than the rational side. So it is very very difficult. And I also light up really fast and tend to make mountains out of molehills.... Which is bad I know.

But I don't think things are going that well actually.
I want to share what happened this morning.

He came over last night. We spent a great night together. Then this morning he woke up and seemed to be in such a rush to get out of here. He didn't want any breakfast, he just got up got dressed and left. I asked him what his plans were for today he just said 'it's a nice day outside, I am gonna go for a walk'. I asked him if he wants to go alone and he asked if I wanted to go too but when I said yes, he didn't say anything. And then when he was leaving I asked if everything is ok, he said 'yeah, I am just sick of lying in bed and not being able to sleep and I want to move and go do things. Don't make a big deal out of this'. He was annoyed because he didn't sleep well and maybe I am overreacting but given all our history, I can't help but think he's not really that into me...

1. First of all. This is our first weekend as a couple. I get that there isn't that 'first joy' when you're all in love and can't keep your hands off of each other - it's not like we just met and we aren't starting from zero - there's a lot of history here. But still shouldn't it be like a little celebration? Spending all day together, watching movies, reading books, going for walks TOGETHER, even just hanging around and doing nothing, but TOGETHER. And now this just feels wrong.

Last week, before we became a couple, when he used to come over every time he was saying how he will fix my broken wardrobe how he will fix my leaking toilet tank and every time he seemed so excited to see me.
And when he came over on Sunday night and said he can't spend a day without me and wants me to live even closer and that he's fallen in love with me and wants to be with me and he wanted to go away for the weekend and we were just lying here holding each other... And that night when we slept here at my place, he was holding me the entire night and we didn't sleep much but still the next day he was smiling like never and was just happy.

And now a week later and this. He turns his back to me when he sleeps and I am 'the big spoon' like 95% of the time.

1. Maybe he's not in love and really isn't much into me at all and he really just wants sex and thought there is no chance I could do the whole friends with benefits thing again, so we need to be a 'couple' in order for him to get what he wants. He will just do some 'couply ' things and that's it. Thought I don't really think so - he really seemed into me and he missed me a lot when we were not talking...But that's still an option.

2. maybe he really is THAT unstable and his feelings do change just like that. One day he feels in love the next day he doesn't even want to see me. And he doesn't even realize how shitty his behavior is and how all that makes me feel. And maybe he's just selfish. Like 'I am pissed off because I couldn't sleep well so I am gonna go home as fast as possible and go do my own things' and doesn't even care that I am upset about this. But I can't even imagine how somebody could treat someone like that. Especially when saying how important for him I am and how he cares about me and that he would never never want to hurt me. Maybe he doesn't understand what hurts me. Because his actions don't always match those words.

3. maybe it's really nothing. i am just totally overreacting and he was just cranky because of lack of sleep. He did hug me very sweet and kissed me and said 'don't make a big deal out of this'. still I would have wanted him to say something like 'it's all ok, dont worry, I just want some time for myself, it has nothing to do with you, see you later..'

But now I feel mad. Just mad at him.
Acting shitty and being honest about it doesn't make it right. And when he was saying that he is not sure if we will make it and not sure if this is gonna be forever he said 'well, at least I am honest with you. And I have always been honest'...
How can he not think about how I feel? I mean he knows he has hurt me in the past. And he knows how I felt and still feel about him. And then comes to me and says all those things about being in love and stuff and then starts getting distant again.... But at least 'hes is still honest'.. Couldn't he think for a little while longer and make sure about his actions instead of 'being honest'... And consider my feelings for once instead of acting upon his... This sucks.

Please learn to communicate your emotions without offending others
So you have the chance to be constructive about it

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you once again. I really appreciate your advice. It feels like you really get how I feel. It's very very helpful to have that:).

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I am glad if I am able to help even if just a little bit. :) And, truth be told, there is a pretty good reason why it seems I am able to understand how you feel. It is because, honestly, I DO. :) I've been there myself. I have always done the same kind of thing to myself in my past. I've had so few people I can trust in life, and been hurt way more often than I care to remember, that is had made me super sensitive. I wasn't willing to let people in, and when I did it would often be a nerve-wracking experience for me. Every little thing I saw as a sign that they suddenly hated me. Sometimes in the past it led to me basically making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I unintentionally drove away people who MAYBE would have otherwise been good for me.

After a while, I finally realized a couple very important facts. 1) Good people DON'T just up and suddenly decide they hate you for no reason. Especially not somebody who was your friend/romantic partner/family/etc. 2) Anybody who WOULD just up and lose interest in somebody at the drop of a hat is a bad person and doesn't deserve me anyway. I deserve better than that, and that person is truly doing me a favor by removing them from my life.

It didn't work right away. But, in time, that helped me to be able to calm down so much more in general. To realize that I'm going to have those annoying nagging doubts, but that more often than not they are just me worrying over nothing. To realize that if I AM worrying for real reasons, that will become obvious enough in time anyway. So no need to drive myself crazy worrying about things I can't control.

You'll get there too. It isn't an over-night thing. It takes time, it takes work. But, you can get there. You can learn to better understand and better rationalize those thoughts.

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am trying to rationalize whenever those feelings of doubt arise, but I my emotions always control me. I always act up on emotions rather than the rational side. So it is very very difficult. And I also light up really fast and tend to make mountains out of molehills.... Which is bad I know.

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I just got done saying this in another thread too. Rome wasn't built in a day. Your emotions control you NOW... but that doesn't mean they have to forever. Honestly, the very fact that you are able to say that... that you are aware of that about yourself is a BIG first step. There are so many people in this world who have issues like this (or even other things) and either cannot see or refuse to admit that there is anything wrong. Knowing you do this to yourself and wanting to change that are a BIG step.

Please also don't take this the wrong way.... but if you are finding it too hard to get through on your own, please do not hesitate to seek professional help to do so. There is NO weakness in being able to realize when you could use help and being able to seek it out. We could all use that sometimes. Maybe you CAN get through all this on your own... but if you need the extra help don't hesitate to search it out.

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Originally Posted by peace.fairy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But I don't think things are going that well actually.
I want to share what happened this morning.

He came over last night. We spent a great night together. Then this morning he woke up and seemed to be in such a rush to get out of here. He didn't want any breakfast, he just got up got dressed and left. I asked him what his plans were for today he just said 'it's a nice day outside, I am gonna go for a walk'. I asked him if he wants to go alone and he asked if I wanted to go too but when I said yes, he didn't say anything. And then when he was leaving I asked if everything is ok, he said 'yeah, I am just sick of lying in bed and not being able to sleep and I want to move and go do things. Don't make a big deal out of this'. He was annoyed because he didn't sleep well and maybe I am overreacting but given all our history, I can't help but think he's not really that into me...

1. First of all. This is our first weekend as a couple. I get that there isn't that 'first joy' when you're all in love and can't keep your hands off of each other - it's not like we just met and we aren't starting from zero - there's a lot of history here. But still shouldn't it be like a little celebration? Spending all day together, watching movies, reading books, going for walks TOGETHER, even just hanging around and doing nothing, but TOGETHER. And now this just feels wrong.

Last week, before we became a couple, when he used to come over every time he was saying how he will fix my broken wardrobe how he will fix my leaking toilet tank and every time he seemed so excited to see me.
And when he came over on Sunday night and said he can't spend a day without me and wants me to live even closer and that he's fallen in love with me and wants to be with me and he wanted to go away for the weekend and we were just lying here holding each other... And that night when we slept here at my place, he was holding me the entire night and we didn't sleep much but still the next day he was smiling like never and was just happy.

And now a week later and this. He turns his back to me when he sleeps and I am 'the big spoon' like 95% of the time.

1. Maybe he's not in love and really isn't much into me at all and he really just wants sex and thought there is no chance I could do the whole friends with benefits thing again, so we need to be a 'couple' in order for him to get what he wants. He will just do some 'couply ' things and that's it. Thought I don't really think so - he really seemed into me and he missed me a lot when we were not talking...But that's still an option.

2. maybe he really is THAT unstable and his feelings do change just like that. One day he feels in love the next day he doesn't even want to see me. And he doesn't even realize how shitty his behavior is and how all that makes me feel. And maybe he's just selfish. Like 'I am pissed off because I couldn't sleep well so I am gonna go home as fast as possible and go do my own things' and doesn't even care that I am upset about this. But I can't even imagine how somebody could treat someone like that. Especially when saying how important for him I am and how he cares about me and that he would never never want to hurt me. Maybe he doesn't understand what hurts me. Because his actions don't always match those words.

3. maybe it's really nothing. i am just totally overreacting and he was just cranky because of lack of sleep. He did hug me very sweet and kissed me and said 'don't make a big deal out of this'. still I would have wanted him to say something like 'it's all ok, dont worry, I just want some time for myself, it has nothing to do with you, see you later..'

But now I feel mad. Just mad at him.
Acting shitty and being honest about it doesn't make it right. And when he was saying that he is not sure if we will make it and not sure if this is gonna be forever he said 'well, at least I am honest with you. And I have always been honest'...
How can he not think about how I feel? I mean he knows he has hurt me in the past. And he knows how I felt and still feel about him. And then comes to me and says all those things about being in love and stuff and then starts getting distant again.... But at least 'hes is still honest'.. Couldn't he think for a little while longer and make sure about his actions instead of 'being honest'... And consider my feelings for once instead of acting upon his... This sucks.

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Okay, so here I actually have a few varied thoughts. Firstly, I definitely get how you feel here. I would 100% be thinking the same as you. You two are so new into deciding to actually give the relationship a serious shot. I too would think it should be exciting and new. Even despite the history you two already had together, this is still fairly new. You two actually deciding to make an honest try is new. So I absolutely understand your concern that you don't feel he seems AS into it.

...The thing is, I've always been a big romantic. So for me it is easy to think that. Guys aren't always like that. He may be just as into you... he may just not be the super lovey dovey, super romantic type. From what you shared, there is a lot that seems to be going well. You two do hold each other, and kiss, and sleep together. Stuff like that. So, this MAY well be a case of your mind clinging to the ONE or TWO negative things and elevating them above all the positive.

That doesn't necessarily mean I'm saying he's completely innocent. He absolutely could have been a lot more sensitive in his approach. Putting myself in his situation, I could see if I didn't get much sleep that I may be tired, a little cranky, and a little stir-crazy. But instead of saying "Don't make a big deal out of this" I'd have considered how that might sound and instead said something like "Everything's okay. I just didn't get much sleep so I didn't feel like laying around anymore. Sorry."

The way he put it struck me as insensitive too, so I can imagine how it felt to you. But.... again.... he probably didn't mean it the way it sounded. Also, in general you say it has only been about a week since you two finally started officially dating. I honestly think that is a little too early to make a call anyway. Was it just a bad example of him on a bad day... or is that just what he's like? I think it's too early to tell. So, for now, maybe you just chalk it up to being a bad day and see how things go. If this turns out to just be who he is... that's he's just insensitive and doesn't seem to notice or care to change it... then maybe that is something that could/should give you second thoughts.

But, as best you can, try not to worry too much for right now. As I said, if it ultimately isn't going to work out, that will become pretty obvious in time. No amount of worrying yourself over it would change it. So instead, why not enjoy it for now? Why not see how things go? If they go well, that should naturally help you feel a little more calm anyway. If they don't, then that will tell you everything you need to know anyway.

Again, take it from somebody who knows.... that is all MUCH easier said than done. Not an easy balance to learn. And it isn't something you will probably ever get rid of completely. Even I can't help but have those doubts myself now and then. But you can get better at it with time and practice.

And as a quick side note: I definitely agree with you as it relates to his honesty. Honesty is GENERALLY a good thing. But, there's a difference between being honest and just being an a-hole. There ARE times when full honesty is actually a bad thing and/or when there are more tactful ways to be honest. Heck, there are even times when brutal honesty may be necessary... but some people don't seem to realize that isn't ALL the time. Some people fail to realize that you CAN be honest without being a prick.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to find somebody great. Hopefully he turns out to be that somebody... but if not it WILL be somebody else some day. Best of luck to you.

we figured that one out. turned out it was jut him being grumpy after not getting enough sleep... we had a great day later on and a whole great week after that.

Now a new problem. And I ask for IMMEDIATE ADVICE PLEASE.

I went on a trip for the last two weeks. Before that we've been in a relationship for two weeks. Was wonderful. The trip was planned way before this and it was planned with my ex. it wasn't just the two of us a group of 8 people went on that trip including of course my ex. I wasn't really feeling like going, but I had already payed for a lot of stuff there so I went anyways. was incredibly sad to leave my bf for such a long time, especially when things were going so well and he was sad that I was leaving too...

we talked on messenger while I was away almost every day. well maybe every other day. because at first I was texting him a lot but he wasn't very responsive, so I didn't want to seem too clingy and texted him less often. i texted him several times that I missed him and that I wish he was there with me, but he never texted back that he missed me to or anything like that.

Last night I came back. Went over to his place to take my keys (he was feeding my cat while I was away). I assumed I would stay over, because we havn't seen each other for two weeks and I really missed him, but he didn't seem to have missed me at all... He was a little sick (caught a cold) and when I kissed him he didn't kiss me back and just mumbled 'don't catch my bacteria..' and then said I should go home, because my cat really missed me and I said I missed the cat too and I missed him a lot as well. he did not say anything to that. just made a loud breath... so I left...

this morning I texted him to come over on his way to work to talk because all that last night seemed like everyghin has changed and I don't understand at all what happened. he replied he's running late already, but all that as weird, so let's talk in the evening.... I said that this making me wait is cruel and asked if he doesnt care at all that he can just wait calmly till the evening.... he told me not to be overdramatic and said he does care but there are very important projects at work and he cares about that too. which I undedrstand, but still....

Now I am not sure what to expect. I think it's one of the two:

1. he is jealous I went on that trip with my ex and he thinks I probably cheated on him or something...
he had a girlfriend (wife actually) who went on a trip for a month and came back and broke up with him. so might be this trauma playing here too..

2. he just really didn't miss me at all and understood he doesn't feel anything to me after all and already has decided to end this (once again)...

If it's the first thing I can fix it. But I am scared it's the second one... Though the situation is a bit similar to the one I told before and that went well after all, so I hope it's gonna be fine this time too.

But maybe you have some advice on how better to respond to either of these scenarios ?

so turned out he DID change his mind about being with me. AGAIN. and he left me. AGAIN.
I cannot believe that somebody can do this. Especially when he says how important I am to him and how much he cares for me and values my friendship and how he never wants to hurt me... and then goes and does this.

long story short:
couple months ago we 'tried' dating for a week, because there was a lot going on between us.
Then he said he doesnt really feel anything for me and see no future for us and left me.
I was hurt and didn't speak to him for three weeks.
then i started talking to him again and then for the whole week we were best friends again and he said he missed me like crazy and was extremely happy to speak to me again. I could feel the whole time that he liked me more and more.
then he came over once and said he can't spend a day without me and has fallen in love with me (his actual words) and wants to be together.
we were together for two weeks. a real couple, and actual relationship. he even said how he wants a longterm serious relationship. I thought finally all is how it's supposed to be and we are finally together.
then I went on that trip for two weeks. even the morning I left he said 'don't go...I'll be so sad without you...
and then the moment I come home after two weeks of not seeing him and having missed him so much he is all cold to me and then says we need to break up.

he said, he doesn't want to but that he is not sure 100% that we will be together forever and he already has doubts about being with me so it will be even worse later and we need to break up. and he said he imagines what kind of some perfect relationship he wants and ours just wasn't it. and said that he knows probably nobody will like him like I do and will be much more difficult in any other relationship but maybe that's what he needs (meaning it's too easy with me). and he said he will always be jealous seeing me with somebody else and he wants me to like him, and he wants to be with me when he is not, but then when we are together he starts to not want to be with me anymore.... and it's been like this the whole time (while we were friends with benefits, while we were just friends and while we were in an actual relationship...) and he says if it was meant to be, he would just be with me and not go back and forth all the time...but i think he is jus extremely emotionally unstable and doesn't even realise how much he is hurting me.

I am so hurt and so mad. And I absolutely can't even begin to understand how somebody can do this. it's not like we're in 7th grade.. we are both 30 years old!

@TheEvilJester please, give me some of your wisdom. to make me understand what the hell happened and make me feel at least a little bit whole again. now I am a total mess. I can't even be at home alone. it just hurts. everything seems to remind me of him and he lives less than two minutes from me. not to mention we work together and also have a side project together... like today is a national holiday, but I came to work, as soon as I woke up. i just couldn't be at home. taking a shower all I can think about is how we took baths there together and how we smoked outside my bathroom window... and I can barely eat anything. just have this constant lump in my chest and feel sick all the time...

I just don't understand how people can be like that. How is it possible to say you fell in love with someone and you want a serious relationship and then as soon as you have a doubt you just turn away and leave. and how can you say someone is so important and so special to you and that you would never want to hurt them and then do this. it's jut plain cruel. does he not understand at all what he is doing or is all he says just some bs and he only thinks of himself...

Sorry that I missed this. I haven't had time to come back to this site for a bit. I am even more sorry that this happened to you. I'll be honest, I was worried for you hearing that he finally agreed to give it an honest try with you. I didn't like the way he had treated you in the past and didn't feel too confident it would go well this time. But, I wanted you to be happy. Hence why I'd never tell you "DON'T" I'd only tell you "proceed with caution."

I very much wish my concerns would have all been for naught. But, it sounds like he did this to you all over again. And, believe me, I understand how you are feeling now. Maybe I can put a little bit of a different spin on it for you, though....

Think of it this way.... now you finally know for sure. Let's say you had just decided to forget him. To decide it was never going to be, so you were just going to move on. ....MAYBE there would have been part of you always doubting. Always thinking there COULD have been something special there. Always wondering if you'd missed out. ...Well, now you know. He's an idiot. He's an insensitive prick.

Honestly, I'd still like to give him the benefit of the doubt. To think maybe he HONESTLY thought there could be something there and wanted to give it a real chance. That he's doing the right thing by breaking it off sooner rather than later if he just feels it isn't right. But given the details you've shared about it all, I don't get that sense. I get the sense he's an immature man-child who doesn't know what the Hell he wants. Who doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets what he wants.

Hell, though... let's pretend for a minute I'm wrong. That he was being 100% sincere. That he 100% did NOT mean to hurt you. ....The end result is the same anyway. He DID hurt you. And, the end result is the same.... you deserve better.

That will be hard for you to see at first. You are hurting now, and that makes sense. But you'll see that in time and you'll feel better. And eventually you'll find a REAL man who will treat you the way you deserve. Like I said, at least the silver-lining you can take out of this is now you know for sure. Otherwise, maybe part of you would have still wondered.

If I were you... IF he tries to talk to you... I'd personally just tell him in a firm but fair way (you don't need to be nasty, but you also don't need to worry about his feelings since he didn't care about yours) that you wish him no ill will, but that you need to move on. That you can't be friends, but in time maybe you can be FRIENDLY. But, for now, he needs to leave you alone and let you move on.

Hopefully he respects that and gives you the distance you need. If not... you may need to become less polite about it. Best of luck to you. You WILL be okay. I am so sorry this happened to you, but you ARE strong enough to get through it... even be better for it. You may not be able to see that yourself yet, but you will.