Husband won't come near me

So, to cut a long story short - I had a baby 8 weeks ago and since then my husband doesn't want any kind of intimacy with me or, if he does want it he really isn't showing me!

I've tried the sexy approach, the romantic approach and even the whoreish approach but nothing works :( he just tells me he is tired or not in the mood or not feeling well. All but one attempt has ended in rejection, and the one time we did have sex it felt like he was doing it to stop me hassling. Hell, even when he came home drunk (when he would usually be up for it) he didn't want it.

I'm not sure why he is like this, whether he possibly doesn't find me attractive physically anymore or- well I'm struggling to think of another reason... Isn't it usually the woman that turns down sex after a baby?!

I'm really not sure what to do? I've tried talking to him about it but he just says he is [insert relevant excuse] and that's all it is.

It's beginning to affect the whole relationship as to me sex isn't just about sex, it's about being intimate and close and a way of showing your love for one another.

Maybe he's worried about hurting you?

From a man's perspective:

Did he witness the birth? If so, was it his first time? It can be kind of freaky seeing something the size of a baby come out of your "fun place". It's also possible he's feeling like you couldn't possibly be healed up yet. Another possibility is that he's freaked out about the possibility of more children - are you taking adequate precautions?

Sorry to say, it isn't uncommon for men to have this problem after seeing a baby born. To be honest, after seeing myself, I almost don't blame them, and I know how dumb it is. It's going to take a while for them to forget what they've seen (assuming a vaginal birth).

Another possibility is that he sees you now as a mother (rather than a woman)... the Madonna/whore complex.

It's probably just a matter of time, but if this is going on in a few months, I'd probably seek professional help.

Hey LL :D is that why you don't get online anymore?

Fu​cking kids, they ruin everything.

I agree with HIA and Vashti. If your breast feeding that could be another reason why he's not charged.

Just masturbate each other. Don't do full intercourse yet. Baby steps.

Ya I have heard it from the new fathers at work, that their perspective has changed after seeing it come out...as one father telling a father to be say "Don't look dude! it will never be the same if you do."

If he's watched that, he deserves everything he gets, but i suspect the real problem is he is barely touching the sides now. I remember when my ex had our first. It was like throwing a sausage down an alley.

Thanks for the replies guys,

I had a vaginal birth but he stayed away from that 'end', although I guess it could be the reason, I did ask him if it was that and he said no its not because of that bit he couldn't give me a real reason.

Indi he won't even let me try and get him in the mood, he even turns down oral!

A part of me does think it is him not finding me attractive anymore (that's a natural feeling I guess?) but I have worked hard since having my baby and have age on my side so I think it is more a psychological thing than physical.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

From a man's perspective:

Did he witness the birth? If so, was it his first time? It can be kind of freaky seeing something the size of a baby come out of your "fun place". It's also possible he's feeling like you couldn't possibly be healed up yet. Another possibility is that he's freaked out about the possibility of more children - are you taking adequate precautions?

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Yes we are so I don't think it is that- neither of us want any more kids for a long while at least. I've told him numerous times I'm fully healed!

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Originally Posted by KingZ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey LL :D is that why you don't get online anymore?

Fu​cking kids, they ruin everything.

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Hey you :) yeh pretty much, life is pretty hectic right now!

If he's turning down even oral... Vashti's probably right - it might be the Madonna/Whore complex.

Which mean's that Indi's right too - give it a little time, if things haven't changed in a couple of months, it might be time to see somebody. It's sometimes difficult to not put someone we love on a pedestal.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with HIA and Vashti. If your breast feeding that could be another reason why he's not charged.

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Nope, not breast feeding.

I think I'm gonna try and talk to him away from the bedroom with no emotions involved then maybe he will be able to give me a more honest answer without thinking he is going to hurt my feeling or feel pressured.

Do you have relatives who can watch your baby for an evening, or even a couple of hours, so you can go for a meal or a walk?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2225936/A-husband-confesses-Seeing-wife-birth-sex-YEAR.html

i'm sure it's something that will pass qwerty. i think talking to him outside of a sexual situation will help.

let us know how it goes.

I feel real bad for you. I witnessed both my kids coming out and we were back in the sack as soon as she felt ok to do it. I hope he is not out cheating when he's drinking. You must ask him why.

You should breastfeed if you can b/c you burn 600-800 extra calories a day and you will be back in shape in no time! I lost 65 lbs in 8 months! I was always small, but blew up during pregnancy and was worried my BF wouldn't find me attractive anymore. The opposite happened actually...

Besides that, just give it time. It's only been 8 weeks..not very long. He probably still sees you as being pregnant. Did you guys have sex throughout your entire pregnancy? I think Vashti is right...the whole complex thing. I hope he moves past all of this. Just keep trying and be patient. Take care of yourself and your baby above all and do not focus on this issue so much. There are plenty of men out there who find women more attractive after they become mothers!

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you have relatives who can watch your baby for an evening, or even a couple of hours, so you can go for a meal or a walk?

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A walk is a great idea. After I had my baby, my BF and I would take a walk together every single night. It was summer time. But, on these walks we talked and laughed for a good hour. It was great and we both really looked forward to this time. We took the baby in the stroller and she slept.

But try to go without baby. Walk someplace and have a coffee. Or tea if you're breastfeeding. Or guiness.

Well I spoke to him a few nights ago, he acknowledged that his sex drive is almost zero, he said he is just really tired at the minute and a little stressed (promotion at work) and that whenever he is in the mood, baby is usually awake. He didnt give any other reason and I have no reason to believe its not this as he has been working a lot.

Anyway, we had a few hours to ourselves this morning and he was definitely in the mood! (He instigated) so we will have to see how things go over the next few months.

turns down oral??? is there another girl in the picture?


raverboy

dont be too worried qwerty. i was the same when i was first time father. it should pass. but do work at it and continue to communicate about it.

good luck ! :)

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

From a man's perspective:

Did he witness the birth? If so, was it his first time? It can be kind of freaky seeing something the size of a baby come out of your "fun place". It's also possible he's feeling like you couldn't possibly be healed up yet. Another possibility is that he's freaked out about the possibility of more children - are you taking adequate precautions?

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omg! :shocked:

Yeah, that's what "Women's Lip" has gotten for us... now we gotta go in the delivery room and see that shit. :D

Some actually want to see the birth, I think. Obviously I didn't see my son's directly (bit busy at the time, thank you), but seen animal births and they are remarkable, if a bit creepy, like Aliens.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Some actually want to see the birth, I think. Obviously I didn't see my son's directly (bit busy at the time, thank you), but seen animal births and they are remarkable, if a bit creepy, like Aliens.

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Oh I know. I was joking.

Mostly.

Hey qwertz, how is this going? My wife and I had a baby four months ago, and sex life is non-existent. Only, it isn't my issue. I am dying inside!

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Originally Posted by Illusional [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

turns down oral??? is there another girl in the picture?


raverboy

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I'm as certain as I can be that there isn't.

Hmm, well things improved for about a week and then went back to being non existent. Talking to him doesn't seem to help. There's only a certain amount of times a woman can be rejected and not take it to heart!

We are going out tonight for a meal and a few drinks. Maybe this will help, though I won't be instigating as I'm fed up of being rejected.

quertz, why don't you turn the tables around. If you don't make sexual advances for a while he should feel what you are feeling in no time.

Are there signs that he is having an affair? My boyfriend became sexually distant near the end of our relationship and I found out he had been cheating.

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Originally Posted by qwertz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm as certain as I can be that there isn't.

Hmm, well things improved for about a week and then went back to being non existent. Talking to him doesn't seem to help. There's only a certain amount of times a woman can be rejected and not take it to heart!

We are going out tonight for a meal and a few drinks. Maybe this will help, though I won't be instigating as I'm fed up of being rejected.

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Try trading massages, maybe?

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sorry to say, it isn't uncommon for men to have this problem after seeing a baby born. To be honest, after seeing myself, I almost don't blame them, and I know how dumb it is. It's going to take a while for them to forget what they've seen (assuming a vaginal birth).

Another possibility is that he sees you now as a mother (rather than a woman)... the Madonna/whore complex.

It's probably just a matter of time, but if this is going on in a few months, I'd probably seek professional help.

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Wow really? I saw my ex give birth and even filmed it. Sorry, it's the first time I heard of men not wanting to touch their loved one after they give birth :(.

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Originally Posted by RipVanWinkleX [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow really? I saw my ex give birth and even filmed it. Sorry, it's the first time I heard of men not wanting to touch their loved one after they give birth :(.

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It's more common than you think.

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Originally Posted by Dying_Heart [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

quertz, why don't you turn the tables around. If you don't make sexual advances for a while he should feel what you are feeling in no time.

Are there signs that he is having an affair? My boyfriend became sexually distant near the end of our relationship and I found out he had been cheating.

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I'm not into playing games. Also, as I have said before he is not cheating. Why is it that a man goes off sex must be cheating?!

I'm pretty sure some of the older members hit the nail on the head earlier in this post with it being related to having a baby. Anyway, I think things are improving, having time to ourselves at the weekend really helped, it seems to have reignited things in all aspects of our relationship.

You just had a baby. He might want to give you more rest.

Sometimes a man can experience such guilt from watching his woman give birth and seeing her pain-the thought of sex upsets him and scares him. This is very rare but if it happens, he needs counselling.

Other than that, the only thing I can think of is that he thinks you are not ready yet or he doesn't want to hurt you..

Sometimes, the change of being a new parent can make him more focused on the baby than sex for awhile and he may actually be just very tired from the stress etc..

Just give it some time and make sure you are both communicating openly. Make sure you still have some "us" time without the baby. Cuddles etc and alone time. It doesn't necessarily have to be sex. Make sure he knows that you love him, need him etc. Sometimes the baby may feel like competition and even cause a little jealousy. Its only because hes used to being your everything and now your obsessed with the baby.

Im not sure if Im explaining it right but just make sure he gets lots of attention. Men need it more than we do :)