Broke my heart on her - friendship gone mad - what to (not) do now?

Hello dears,

I'm really out of my body, mind and life right now. Some years ago I got in contact with a lithuanian girl, some years younger than me. We became good friends, though we never met. This winter she visited me and suddenly, we were in bed together (no sex though, had been virgin and since it was very unsuspected, I didn't want to go too far, possibly damaging our relationship which was great till then). When she left, I noticed I was in love again. Hadn't felt like this in a long time, and so I first just noticed it by observing my behavior. She didn't feel the same way, had also never been in love. However, she began to miss me after she was back in her country. We continued the contact, though everything somehow had changed. I don't even know how it was before we met. Well, after she finished school, she moved to scotland, still lives there now. The feelings from her side vanished quite fast, just mine stayed... and I lost myself stupidly in dreams, in hopes and emotions. She's very alone there in the new city, doesn't have any friends, and some weeks ago she met some random dude, 10 years older than her. First it was normal meeting, she doesn't even find him that special. However, last week she told me how they both got high and had sex... I know, it's such a normal and simple thing, they weren't even emotionally involved and she still has no idea what 'love' means of feels like... but I am destroyed by that. I can't find any silent moment, or rest a bit. Several days I just wander the city and parks, trying not to think, to keep my emotions away, to ignore the pain in my heart and stomach, the feel of freezing in my brain... nothing really works, and I don't feel like me any more. I don't know where I stand, what to do. People close to me don't matter any more, though I tried to occupy me with them, even met many strangers, met other girls. I am not in University any more - not ment literally, I have holidays now - but my mind forgot that I'm a student, forgot that I have homeworks to finish, many texts to write. It's like a bad trip that doesn't cease, I feel insanely mad, like butter spread too much on bread, an all frazzled carpet. She disgusted me, thinking about her being in that way with someone else... I began to insult her just out of the pain, apologized, did all the wrong things one can do. Now we are in contact again. She just wants me as a friend, like I said, we are very close. But everytime I am in contact with her, my emotions go crazy, I feel so lost to that girl. I live in central germany, she is in edinburgh, and I know there is no reasonable chance to be with her, it's a lost cause. But like a salmon I swim upstreams, in a rush of love, forgetting I will die in the shallow waters of the source. I want to set all my hopes in that, to wait, to fight even if it's the most stupid option I have. My first girlfriend... she lived in another country too, treated me loving fool really bad in the beginning though we were also good friends, and I had no chance with her. After one year of suffering, I first visited her. Some time later, we were together. Thinking about that makes this little foolish piece of hope in my heart shine even brighter. I am much older now, and I never wanted to fall for someone like that again, I am more serious. So I rather doubt that this is a right way to go for me. However, my love is very convincing. At some moments I want to not back down, to stay and to try to make it work. Then the pain goes away and I feel confident, having a cause, an aim in my life again. However, reminding myself how hard and lost such trying would be... My heart bleeds and I don't know what to do any more. I would like to visit her, there is enough money and time (though it wouldn't matter if it wasn't). But I guess I would either annoy, scare or just disappoint her with my feelings. Breaking the contact, fleeing doesn't help. She is my best friend (may say much, best friend and contacting mainly over the internet, huh?), so in time of such trouble, I would normally distract me with her - but now she's the 'problem'. That's also why I am contacting you here.
Please, maybe you can give me new perspectives, options, words, hope, tips, or at least distraction. :(

Well sometimes you meet that special girl and she is your everything but things dont work out so great and you realize that girl was just a step to happines, just a learning object, a practice doll, trial and error relationship. Once you met that longterm girlfriend she wont go in bed with you that fast, not with you and not with other guys. You see shes not worth your feelings. You would never do to her what she did to you. Even thinking about her is a waste of time. The problem is that you were so lonely and she filled the gap. Once yo meet girl who is wrth your time you will realise how stupid you were thinking about this slut cause your next girlfriend willl be 100 times better(maybe wont even cheat) and you will see how bad lithuanian girl actualy are.

Just now problem is you dont have with what to combare. Cause LT girl was most that you ever had but you never had much so she was everything. Now shes not even your friend but just a source of your pain.

After 6 months you will be more happy than you ever dreamed about - if you follow these expert suggestions:

1)Cut all the contacts, delete everything that reminds you the past. The past is past and it will never be the same. What matters is this moment.

2)Concentrate on your responsibilities,, studies, hobbies, family. Even if you in pain just ignore it and do like machine what you normaly do without pain. You will learn to control pain and it wont control you anymore.

3)Talk about your pain with real people - it doesnt matter with who you talk - friends, mum, conseling, call a helpline. Just share your pain with someone who listen, someone who cares(writing dont counts).

4)Get in touch with you old dreams and goals before heartbreak, dont stop to live continue life and it will come back to you and feel great again.

5)Make sure theres always people around you - friends, family, schoolmates - just be social.

Quote:

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I feel insanely mad, like butter spread too much on bread

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This is the most funny thing I read this week. Good job man !

Im sorry i didnt read all of it but i think this is a fantasy relationship. She lives in another country and its likely never gonna happen. You should cut all contact with her and focus on meeting someone local

Thank you for your answers.

I think you both are right. At least, you say things that seem right to be said. The chance for me to be with her is almost stupid to assume, but just almost. Like I wrote, I had it much worse with my first great love. Long periodes of disconnection, of hate for eachother. But in the end, we were very happily together for 3 years, just because I never gave up on her and on what I felt for her.
I know she is worth my feelings, otherwise I wouldn't feel like that for her. Maybe I will forget about all of that, depression and sadness always vanish after some years. And I also sense the danger and insanety in my desire, which makes me think about letting it be, just leaving and surrender. On the other hand, I have this optimism supported lust to fight, to try, to be the salmon.
I can avoid her, try to live without her and just fill the gap in my brains heart with someone else, sure. But my emotions whisper that I should follow her. I can focus on getting where and what I want, which is her. This is not a decision of a few days, it would be one of every day and moment, and maybe even not a decision at all.
Again I thank you for letting me write down my thoughts and commenting them, giving me your advice. I will meditate over it and see who desires more to live, the mad loving martyr or the luck seeking nomad.

PS: locals are cabbage and potatoes, I crave for the purple passion fruit. :lol:

I understand that she made you feel a lot but she never felt the same and planned her life without you. Plus, no matter how much you're defending this relationship, the reality is that is it has been a one sided one and this has made you feel miserable. You should really stop investing your feelings in her and make an effort to accept that things are over and concentrate on your life again. Take little steps every day and you'll see that little by little you'll be able to reconnect with your life and find yourself again.

OK I hope after two times of being friends, then emotionally invested in a girl you have never met, live in another country....that you have learned that you won't do this method of dating again. Time to date like an adult, meet and ask women out on dates and get to know them on dates, not on the internet chatting for months finding yourself so absorbed in a fantasy you can't escape without intense hurt.

Ok, enough arguments, I follow. Going crazy is too expensive, emotional, physical, financial.

What should I do now? Date planned for today somehow cancelled, sky got gray and it rains - any suggestions? Would rather like not to feel like shit any more..

Call up a friend and go for some beers....somewhere it's busy and lively, watch some sports....hell I'm not doing anything, that sounds like a good idea lol.

Hmh, you have to know: Normally, I am very very introverted. Don't like to go out etc, meet people... maybe this is some change setting for me. Will call everyone I know, it's sunday, but we got enough bars; hell, I live next to berlin ;D

Thank's for your support!

Almost forgot ! This video will be help too.

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If I might ask for today again... no one's here, friends are all away or have no time, family left and every piece of reality reminds me of her... I cried half of the day and can't get rid of the pain. Maybe I'm just not used to heartaches any more, but calling or contacting her wouldn't be a right thing to do I guess. I would be really happy about some suggestions, feeling horrible to the death...

Get on with your life man. Its the idle time that is most killing. So be busy. There is no girl anymore who gave you energy for life you have to live for yourself now. Inside you are broken but you can rebuild your healty inner world. Its what you do that builds you. All the suggestions are on this page.

When I'm feeling real down I go for a walk down town.

I had no real life before... was just waiting for time to pass, no dreams, no aims - especially no healthy inner world to rebuild now, I'm just even more lost than before. But yes, surely I should search for already offered ideas and tips.
Went to town today, but it was rather depressing. Ended up crying in the park, then on some shopping center toilet for an hour. Noticed that sports help a lot, I just train till it hurts and my body gives up. Got really exhausted and tired by that too, so I will be able to sleep soon.
Thank you and have a nice night.

Well then simply turn to sports if you do it seriously then you will end up eating 6 meals a day and sleeping at exact same times everynight. You need discipline. The thing is you loved her a lot but now its time to learn love yourself as much. That means smart decisions and taking care like you deserve it.

This can be good for a start - really basic things but makes sense when you read it

/threads/83617-Recovering-a-Sense-of-Worth

Actually when I was in your situation all that helped me was a friend. He wasn my friend from begining but I didnt stop talk with him until he become more friendly and there was sport that we used to do years ago(when we were teenagers) so we decited to try it again and it was lot of fun but we become useless after years of not training. Hes passion was photography and I showed interest and listened and ended up doing photos with camera he gave me and this little hobby was enought to stay focused on life and it made all the diference.

Bottom line is all you need is one friend and it will be much easier. You dont sound like a social person but whatever you passionate about you can find people with same passions(hobbies) and realy connect with them. For example you can go sign up at the gym and start talk with guys just to find out that everyone in sport enviorement are very friendly.
Also whenever you have problems in life and dont know where to start then maybe its not a bad idea to start with your body. Live healty exercise, eat well. And eventualy you will find out that many problems disapears.

If you want her, you can have her. The question is, is she worth all the pain and time you will go through.

Toknow can you explain how you can get back girl with who you never slept when had a chance, who have a BF now whos banging her and she friendzoned you?

Well, pc your argument is completely bogus, so there is nothing to explain.

Okay I dont wana get you started again.

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Originally Posted by toknow [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, pc your argument is completely bogus, so there is nothing to explain.

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It is quite clear you never read the opening post toknow, but please don't get defensive when another member asks you to justify your explanation. pcmaster has a valid question and valid point, whereas your response is to simply dodge the question and insult instead.

I surely could try. But therefore, I'd have to change a lot. Walking around lately brought free air in my brains for thoughts.
I could try to 'stay' with her, meaning that I won't break up contact at all while handling my pain and emotions, learning to let her live her life though it would hurt a lot. In this case I clearly need to get my shit together, becoming someone while still being focused on her but not dependent. Sounds like some demigod project.

I also could try to avoid her the next few days, weeks, months to regenerate. In this case however, it could be that she loses all connection/desire for connection with me, so that in the end I'd stand there with an senseless aim and no point to begin.

Last option I see is to never contact her again, trying to live my own life and expand in other directions. But that's what I want the least, my emotions for her are too strong, and I can't hold my hearts longing back.

So it rather looks like option 1 or 2, I think I will try to better my ego while keeping contact. I just have to go back a few steps, and before that, even get back on my legs. Maybe it won't work out, but it feels very wrong to just give up such a thing and run away.

Btw, the guy she was with isn't her boyfriend, they don't even really talk with each other. She loves no one, which is why she was looking for 'something' to see what happens. In the end, she is still alone/free.

Thats right man she loves no one including you. Shes too expierienced for you and if you get so attracted to her even wthout sex then only one who will suffer is you. Her pussy dont connect with her heart anymore which means she wont fall in love from first fck like you will. You cant save her cause you cant help even yourself.

Laikas, it's up to you what you decide as you are the one who will live with the consequences of it. Listen to advice, but in the end always do what you decide.

The only problem with letting her go is, the what-ifs that will follow if you don't find someone whom you connect with the way you have with her. As I said, you can have her, that's not the problem, the issue is, is it worth it and would you have missed out on someone who actually would have loved you sooner and more.

This seems easy decision to onlookers, but it's a really hard decision to make if you are into her that much and love her.

Find a new motivational video just now

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Hello

I think the best option is.. Go to the party. Go for some beers, meet some new people. Call friends, talk with them.
I think that these steps will help you !

Michael

Hmh, thank you. But I am not the type who goes out. I am not a guy who looks for some girls or ****s. I just don't like that. Plus, I don't drink and smoke.
I will visit her next week.

Don't forget yourself in her. You have to realize your worth and really like yourself. Think about the way you experience her - that is beautiful. If you can feel this way for someone, that makes YOU the valuable one in this. Don't forget that.

You have to show her you value and respect yourself.

Laikas you actually could spend that money on getting real good girl who would make you forget all the problems in the world with her healing boobs and soothing pussy. Like guy in video said "that feeling of getting your new pussy after a break up feels good man ".

Whether if you realy go visit ex theres no quarantee she sleeps with you and even if she does it would be just more poison cause distance afterwards will kill you. Anyway you are not the same guy she met and it wont be so great like old times cause you have changed. And so did she. Everyone who ever had any expierience in relationship will tell you that long distance alone is enought to not even try. If you w ana waste years and not living even 1% of life you possibly could then go on and keep her in your heart. But you see what happening with you now and its not anything good. Its best to give up on first relationship and once you get over it you realise what a bonehead you were and what a bitch she was. Like I said you dont have anything to compare but there is girls who will treat you ten times better.

Hmh, maybe. But I for myself and in person find such disgusting, thank you for trying to bring up new ideas though.
I don't think of people as bitches or similar, in general. Everyone has their reasons, she has hers. I just want to be ok with myself again, and I think she is a step on my way - not that I think that this will work out like I could wish, but it seems to have to be done. My experience in relationships is a different then, for like said, I had a nice one over 3 years with a girl abroad, seeing as often as possible. In the end I ended it, stupid in hindsight. However, it showed me what is possible with enough love, strength and persistence.
The more I think about it the clearer it can get. The fact she had sex with some random dude just made me upset because I in general would like to share as much experiences and nice moments with her as possible, also everyday activities, normal stuff (I know, not in range of possibility). The closeness in this case cracked me.
It's good I found this forum and you guys, this really helps me to reflect and put thoughts together, organizing them and realizing their way (as you see my planning and opinions change quite rapidly, still. Was never really different though...). For now, I just want to have normal contact with her again and find something that I could call 'me' and 'life'.