I feel destroyed,my wife of 17 years had a one-night stand,we also have three children.never been through anything like this before. Need help/advice
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I feel destroyed,my wife of 17 years had a one-night stand,we also have three children.never been through anything like this before. Need help/advice
Hi Dave 500s and welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion! Hope you enjoy your stay here. ;)
If this happened to me-my marriage would be 100% over with no chance of forgiveness. It is your choice whether you want to try or not. If you do, I strongly recommend marriage counselling.
Did you catch your wife out in a lie? Did she try to hide it or cover it up? If yes, ask yourself could there be more that she has not told you? Or did she come to you and tell you what she has done?
She told me about it,even though it happened 5 months ago, she said it was a one-off,and won't happen again she says she did it because I didn't show her much love or affection - still gutted
There is no excuse for cheating. If she wasnt getting enough love or affection from you, she should have come to you and told you that unless things change she is leaving you, she could have asked for marriage counselling or she could have asked for an open relationship or she could have left. Cheating is not the answer. She purposefully set out to hurt you. That is not the actions of a loving spouse. If someone gave me a bull excuse like that I would laugh them out the door and tell them never to come back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave 500s [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Im sorry this has happened. I know its hard but you cant blame yourself. What she did was wrong and there are no excuses for it
My head is in the shed at the moment, but thanks for that advice-it has helped a little, I just feel very low at the moment and what bit of confidence I had has been shattered
Don't take that. That's her blaming her bad actions on you. It's possible you didn't show her enough affection, but that doesn't give her license to go **** someone else instead of communicating with you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave 500s [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Dave I will tell you what I would do if I was in your shoes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave 500s [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I would leave for two weeks, take some time off work and go on a holiday alone. Maybe go to a nice villa in Spain and put it on his credit card. I would sit by the pool in the sun for the two weeks, drinking cocktails, feeling sorry for myself and having a good long think about what my next move will be. You cannot stay there and make any kind of rational decisions with the person who just shattered your heart there every day trying to make excuses and justify what they have done. I would tell that person not to contact me at all until I return that I need some space and time to think.
I know you have kids so it may be a little harder. Is there anyway you can contact your kids to say goodnight to them without having to talk to her. Or else you could say you have to go away on business for two weeks and where you are going has no reception.
I think you will find it much easier to clear your head and make the right decision for you if she is not there when you make it
Your confidence will go back once you get enought love from loved ones. One night stand could help too. Dont change your life, take the same care and even more man. Turn your back on her pick yourself up cause she can burn in hell(maybe cheaters burn in hell).
Turn to sports and healty lifestyle if you can. If you cant then turn to church and eventually it will heal your heart. Cause you need something constand that will never change, something to believe in. You have a lot of growing up to do in order to be whole again. Counselling can help a lot. Talking about your feelings iwth neutral person everday will numb the pain and motivate you to fix your life and be happy again.
Should you decide that you want to stay, DO get some marriage counseling with her. Do not hold it over her head and use it as a bludgeon to win arguments. Do work WITH her on your marriage, and don't forget that if you don't like your counselor, you can move to a new one.
I'm not advocating that - but with kids involved it's difficult to leave (I know!) as well as the possibility that it really was a one-off that she feels badly about. In my opinion, telling you was the result of one of two possible motivations on her part - Either she felt badly and wanted to fix things, or she wanted to hurt you. You have to decide which was her motivation.
It doesnt matter now whether she is right or not. Every marriage has its problems, nothing is ever perfect. She has to accept responsibility for her behaviour and stop pushing the blame on him. Hes hurting enough-he shouldnt be forced to blame himself for her guilty behaviour.
She had plenty other options if she felt she wasnt getting what she needed from him. She cant use that as an excuse to cheat on him.
If a marriage counsellor somehow tries to justify her actions-then their licence should be taken from them. We as people are responsible for our own behaviour. You do not pass the buck
I agree with this, but don't put your head in the sand about it either, OP. Delve deep within to see where she may be right about you not showing her enough affection. If what she said has some truth to it, then it is something that your marriage councellor will help you both with.. by finding out why you stopped being affectionate and how to maintain affection.Quote:
Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yes, she should have told you what was up rather then acting out like a child who is unable to articulate what she was missing and given you a chance to remedy but that doesn't negate the fact that something very well could be missing.
Have her go to marriage counseling if you both want the marriage saved if not go separate ways if you have kids because I think sometimes two people staying together for the kids is even worse then splitting up because of all the anger and resentment that gets stored up. Wish you better days.
My last post was in response to wakeups last post before she moved it below mine..
If she didn't feel your love to her, why didn't she bring it up to you? In stead, she went for one night stand and thinking it could solve the issue? I don't see the logic behind it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave 500s [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
There is no logic behind it. Its just a pathetic excuse. All cheaters have an excuse ready when found out and they nearly always blame their SO for their bad behavior.Quote:
Originally Posted by blueoak [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Dave, real bummer man. Keep your chin up. I notice you say the two of you have been married for 17 years? That is a lot of history. If it was just one night and you love her maybe forgive her another chance? If you can't then maybe move on but of course put your kids first. I guess the most important thing is for you to decide what your going to do and then do your best to make that path right (hope that makes sense)