I Wasted my Youth on a Failed Relationship
Hi everyone. If there's anyone who could help, I would really appreciate some advice.
I'm 23 years old, and 6 months ago, my first and only girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had met as freshmen and spent all of our time in college together. She was sweet, kind, beautiful, but it was hard seeing eachother during the school year; we took different courses, I live off campus, we have jobs at different times of the week, but we spent most of our time together during the spring, summer, and winter breaks.
Then last July, she told me that we had grown too far apart; that our circumstances had made it too hard for us to spend time together and that had made us distant to each other. She told me she loved me "in a different way," now. I didn't want to believe it. I begged her to stay with me; I promised to spend more time together and make it like things were when we first met, but she insisted on breaking up.
I was devastated. She was the only girl I've ever been with. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, driving to secluded places and slamming on the dashboard and screaming until my hands were numb and I was out of breath, but as time went on, I realized and started to accept being with out her.
I've given up on trying to get back with my ex-girlfriend. She doesn't answer my phone calls or emails anymore. I'm doing my best to move on, but being without her made me realize that I wasted so much of my youth. From 18 to 23, the time when most young guys are supposed to have fun and party and chase girls, I was stuck with this one who wouldn't stick around.
I never had college party hookups. I never learned to flirt. I never even learned to ask a girl out or even talk to her because I spent all my time with my girlfriend, and it's killing me inside. I want to meet someone new, but I'm 23 and I feel like I'm still in ****ing highschool! I can't even look a girl in the eye and ask for her name or say mine.
I can rarely force myself to approach a girl, but all my attempts to introduce myself, to tell a joke or be charming all fall flat; they draw nothing but a blank stare or a forced, fake laugh. (I don't know which is worse). And every time I fail, I feel worse about myself; I feel more and more ashamed and embarrassed; I feel less and less like a man.
It's so hard moving on alone. I'm trying to look to the future, but every day alone is more hope out the window. I feel like a ship adrift at sea; like a blind man trying to get out of a maze. Every day, I feel more and empty and dead inside.
I want to meet someone new. I want to go on a date again. I want to kiss a girl again. I want to have sex. I want to feel wanted and desired again, but I have no idea where to begin.
