Everything's perfect - but for the sex

Okay, here goes. I have an eighteen year old girlfriend, who I'm desperately in love with, and we've been together for several months. Everything's wonderful but for the sex, which is non-existent. I know she loves me a lot, I trust her immensely but this problem is constantly gnawing on my security. She's still a virgin and has a kind of fear or repulsion towards breaking that "barrier", or maybe she's just afraid of the unknown.

It's not about sex - she even told me, in an outburst of kindness, that I can look for that elsewhere and she'd be okay with it... - it's about sex with the person I love, which is totally different. And as a rather old-fashioned guy, I wouldn't be able to separate love from sex. Yes, I've had my share of casual sex before her, but I couldn't imagine cheating on her.

I can't understand, I feel myself slowly and surely growing tense and frustrated. I hope there are people out there who can relate to this, and maybe share past experience or help me out. Damn it, I used to be a different kind of person. So this is what being in love feels like :)... Help.




loveforum.net/showthread.php?t=15245
I found this thread while looking for my "problem", only it's exactly the girl's point of view. At least I know I'm not alone...

Where did you find a virgin!?!?! I want one! I hate none virgin girls...they suck! you should be glad she is one.

Oh, virgin or not, i didn't look for one. Had no idea about her sex life when i fell for her.

Everything about her attracts me. She's caring, she's fantastically smart, she's really pretty, she saved me from a series of failed relationships. Everything but her phobia of sex.

In the first two-three months it was okay, but slowly, intimacy with her is turning painful everytime she won't go further.

I guess my problem isn't exactly a matter of life and death, but i really beg of you not to joke about it - well, at least keep the jokes decent - because it's a frustration. I just hope someone can give me a hint of how to treat my own mind, since I don't think anyone would be able to explain the intricacies of the female mind.

Please!...
And excuse my squeaky grammar, if I happen to make mistakes - I'm from a corner of Eastern Europe where we don't really get to use English a lot :)...

Besides the fact that I was not joking (everyone else knows)...can't you just talk about it with her? Do you know if she is just scared to have sex or if she is saving it?

I talked to her about this. She was raised in a rather strict family and I guess, like many girls, she sees sex as painful, gross, whatever...

I'm afraid not to upset her or sound demanding. She keeps thanking me for "waiting for her". I keep banging my head to a virtual wall everytime I tell her it's no big deal, other things matter more, I'd wait for her till...

But I'm a man, it's only natural, and i feel this somehow prevents me from feeling truly loved and happy. And it's annoying, and I feel like I'm giving everything, but receiving (everything minus sex) in return. And, well, sex is important for a healthy relationship, isn't it? :(

It is dude, you have every right to be frustrated.

Just as she has every right to refrain from sex.

Either you both find some kind of way to cope with each other's wants/needs or break up.

It's quite stupid of me to be looking for advice on the Internet, when I suppose the only right way is the two of us looking for a solution in each other and in ourselves.

But, as I said earlier, I don't know how to tell her what I feel without her believing that I'm just a sex-obsessed stereotype male, especially given that... she doesn't know what it feels like. What it feels like to have sex with the person you love, and what it feels like to - well - need sex.

I'm quite a testosterone-laden individual, I have a strong sex drive. Before her, I had relationships that ... well, kind of sucked, but were accomplished in what regards intimate moments in bed. And a few of my friends are women I had sex with just because we were physically compatible and enjoyed it - like watching a movie or playing cards. Now it's not like that... But I think I already said that a few times.

Has anyone been through my experience? And gotten over it?...

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Originally Posted by the_passenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know how to tell her what I feel without her believing that I'm just a sex-obsessed stereotype male

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You are a stereotypical male.

Which means you're just like most every other guy out there.

If she can't understand how sex is a need, then she has some maturing to do.

Just don't tell it to her like that.

See if you can't ease her into the idea.

Or what about oral, or masturbation?

Is she as adverse to those too?

If she's open, but still timid, get some literature or something, avoid pornography.

LoL, this guy makes sex sound so casual...like watching a movie or playing cards.

It can be. And it's sooo much better that way.

the best sex is when both of you are completly open and can have fun, you know the sex is great if you can laugh but then quell that laughter with pleasure

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It is dude, you have every right to be frustrated.

Just as she has every right to refrain from sex.

Either you both find some kind of way to cope with each other's wants/needs or break up.

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This is obviously the only solution.

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It can be. And it's sooo much better that way.

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I wouldn't make it sound all formal or anything either but I think it is serious enough not to just **** a friend or someone who you are not dating. It is supposed to be done between two people who love each other, anything else degrades and destroys the integrity of the act itself. I couldn't careless though, it doesn't bother me how other people have sex...as long as I have nothing to do with them.

welcome to the wonderful world of making grown up decisions. The choice you make will determine what kind of man you are.

Thank you for all the feedback. I know I'm a stereotypical male, because, in the end, it's all about instinct and natural urges and drives, and we're all the same but for the 1 in a million, who i'm not. But she probably thinks I am...

This evening (It'll probably be early morning for your timezones :) ) I'm going to gather the courage to tell her what I feel like and cut all the "who cares about sex" crap.

I don't know how to make her understand.

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Or what about oral, or masturbation? Is she as adverse to those too?

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. She's most definitely going to find those awkward and strange.

I've seen girls like her change their views radically after going through their first experiences, but I just don't want to take the chance on her, because I care way too much about her to disrespect her principles. I just think it's wrong that *she* denies herself a great pleasurable experience, and I want to ease her out of her narrow thinking, I just don't know how to.

P. S. Today's Romanian urban society - at least the segment we're part of, me and my girlfriend - is almost completely atheist, so there are no Christian views involved. She's probably been taught by her parents that sex is wrong, because they still see her as an immature child. They really don't trust her to be responsible, though - in all matters but this - I haven't seen a girl her age to be so mature in thinking.

Sure, her parents don't dig me either, a fact only based on me being her boyfriend, since otherwise my academic achievements are far over average (so are hers), I'm an aspiring artist and a three times published author. Unfortunately, my expectations are just as high... Especially after four (I started at 15 - it came naturally) years of a balanced life (taken into account I'm not a geek or a sex maniac), with - as mentioned earlier - sex on a regular basis.

She keeps telling me "sex is overrated", but how could she know?

Frustrating, frustrating...

Really, no first-hand experience? Maybe some deep psychological stuff?... I wish I were better at people.

Sex is overrated?

She's insecure and tries to blow it off as something that is "beneath" her so she doesn't feel like she's missing out on something great (which she knows it is).

If she thinks she's above sex (or in this case, better refer to it as "love making") then wouldn't she be above something as trivial as love as well?

Frasbee, your advice was - well - best :). And still is. The one time we had a serious talk about this, when my frustration was just beginning to kick in, she stressed how grateful she is for me waiting for her, she wondered if there was anything wrong with her, ... It's almost certainly fear of the unknown, because she's quite hesitant and fearful in other matters of daily life sometimes, and she's not totally confident.

She's sort of comfortable with intimacy. From the waist up... We've slept in the same bed. We are totally compatible. Until it comes to... ah, I could go on complaining about this for hours. Being anonymous really is nice.

Has she grown up religious? A lifetime of religion (depending on the denomination) can really mess up the way a person looks at sex for a looooong time.

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P. S. Today's Romanian urban society - at least the segment we're part of, me and my girlfriend - is almost completely atheist, so there are no Christian views involved. She's probably been taught by her parents that sex is wrong, because they still see her as an immature child. They really don't trust her to be responsible, though - in all matters but this - I haven't seen a girl her age to be so mature in thinking.

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I mentioned this earlier... around here, except for the old folks (grandparents?) noone is religious. It's the way she was raised, indeed, but has nothing to do with any Christian beliefs ("officially", we're both Orthodox Christians, but our contact with the Church doesn't go further than baptism and the occasional wedding or funeral...)

During another talk with her, she also mentioned both she and her younger sister were "mistakes", that, well, they're the result of poor contraception. I suppose this is where the problem lies...

Don't be so sure about that. If the grandparents were religious, they raised their own children (her parents) religiously, and their ideas about sex were certainly affected by the church. When they raise their own children, those ideas (originally based on religious foundations, whether or not one actively embraces that religion) are still there.

Hey there,

I was in a very similar situation to your girl friend so I can totally relate to that and pretty much everything you said. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel about sex, but I'd definitely say I had an incredibly low (nearly non-existant) sex drive just like your gf so I can totally relate there. And I think you may be right about the insecurity thing and that may very well be true. Many girls especially older virgins I can imagine would be pretty scared of sex and the whole concept of sex.

However, I can understand your view too, sex is an uncontrollable desire and you can't help but feel the way you do. My ex bf was also very sexual like you and he waited a few months for me, but he couldn't handle the pressure and I'm guessing that was one of the main reasons he broke up with me. I don't blame him at all if that was why. I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did really. So I sympathise with your situation.

Anyway from my experience if sex really is that important to you and you really feel like you can't live without it then you really have a serious issue here. It is possible that you're gf will never change her views on sex. I'm pretty sure I wont. I've done much thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I am probably at least some what asexual (meaning I have little to no interest in sex).

Unfortunately there is very little awareness of this in the wider community and a lot of people would say I'm crazy (maybe I am :D, but that’s a unconnected condition) and that asexuality doesn't exist. But it does. And obviously sexuallity and how sexual you are is a spectrum so some people are very sexual and some are barely sexual at tall or non sexual.

Anyway going by my own experience my advice would be to really talk to her about the whole thing, give her a bit of time maybe. But if it persists for much longer, you may have to consider the possibility that she’s verging on asexual and just has little to no interest in sex.

In the end you either have a sex drive (as you clearly do + most people do) or you don't. It’s not something you can really force or pretend (well you can to some extent, obviously you can make yourself have sex / allow someone to have sex with you, but if you do you probably won't really enjoy it).

For some people sex just doesn't feel right. Just like homosexual people don't want / enjoy straight sex, or straight people wouldn't want / enjoy homosexual sex... its along the same lines really. Some people are just non-sexual and they don't want / enjoy any sex. Since she hasn't experienced sex, maybe she'd feel differently after experiencing it, but not necessarily. And if she really feels no desires that way and is that scared/ against sex then its possible that she’s just not a sexual person.

Sex is different to romantic love though. Think this is what my ex bf also couldn’t understand. You can still love someone and feel strongly for them but be asexual. It’s a tough situation, and at only 18 she may just be scared of sex. Maybe she just has to really think some things through like I did. If its just a low sex drive she suffers from maybe she could get pills to help her with that from the doctor? Its sometimes possible. And if she’s taking the contraceptive pill already this may be significantly lowering her libido.

I’m sorry you're in this situation, I’ve been there so I know how hard it can be, well from her side, scared that you’re going to loose the other person, so I guess you feel something similar if you fear you may break up over this.

Anyway talk to her,

Hope it works out for you, I really do. :)

PS- In the mean time maybe try looking at this message board. It really helped me. Maybe it would help your gf too - [url]http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/[/url]. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me that I was alone, that no one else felt as I do. But its important to tell her there’s nothing wrong with her, whatever happens and she’s not alone.

I was hoping you'd see my topic and answer, Sooky. But it's not that... It's not asexuality, it's just the fear of the unknown and "not being prepared". Talked to her, feel much better now. Am going to wait for her, if that's what it takes. Because that's what she asked me to, and she said she felt really sorry for not being able to make me completely happy right now. I don't know how long I will hold out - abstinence is so damn stressful. My nerves just - well, kind of - couldn't stretch any more last evening, that led to an awful quarter of an hour, but we made up instantly, thank god.

I'm afraid it's continuously going to build up inside me and once in a while I'm going to snap at her.

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Originally Posted by Sooky [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey there,

I was in a very similar situation to your girl friend so I can totally relate to that and pretty much everything you said. Its hard to explain exactly how I feel about sex, but I'd definitely say I had an incredibly low (nearly non-existant) sex drive just like your gf so I can totally relate there. And I think you may be right about the insecurity thing and that may very well be true. Many girls especially older virgins I can imagine would be pretty scared of sex and the whole concept of sex.

However, I can understand your view too, sex is an uncontrollable desire and you can't help but feel the way you do. My ex bf was also very sexual like you and he waited a few months for me, but he couldn't handle the pressure and I'm guessing that was one of the main reasons he broke up with me. I don't blame him at all if that was why. I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did really. So I sympathise with your situation.

Anyway from my experience if sex really is that important to you and you really feel like you can't live without it then you really have a serious issue here. It is possible that you're gf will never change her views on sex. I'm pretty sure I wont. I've done much thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I am probably at least some what asexual (meaning I have little to no interest in sex).

Unfortunately there is very little awareness of this in the wider community and a lot of people would say I'm crazy (maybe I am :D, but that’s a unconnected condition) and that asexuality doesn't exist. But it does. And obviously sexuallity and how sexual you are is a spectrum so some people are very sexual and some are barely sexual at tall or non sexual.

Anyway going by my own experience my advice would be to really talk to her about the whole thing, give her a bit of time maybe. But if it persists for much longer, you may have to consider the possibility that she’s verging on asexual and just has little to no interest in sex.

In the end you either have a sex drive (as you clearly do + most people do) or you don't. It’s not something you can really force or pretend (well you can to some extent, obviously you can make yourself have sex / allow someone to have sex with you, but if you do you probably won't really enjoy it).

For some people sex just doesn't feel right. Just like homosexual people don't want / enjoy straight sex, or straight people wouldn't want / enjoy homosexual sex... its along the same lines really. Some people are just non-sexual and they don't want / enjoy any sex. Since she hasn't experienced sex, maybe she'd feel differently after experiencing it, but not necessarily. And if she really feels no desires that way and is that scared/ against sex then its possible that she’s just not a sexual person.

Sex is different to romantic love though. Think this is what my ex bf also couldn’t understand. You can still love someone and feel strongly for them but be asexual. It’s a tough situation, and at only 18 she may just be scared of sex. Maybe she just has to really think some things through like I did. If its just a low sex drive she suffers from maybe she could get pills to help her with that from the doctor? Its sometimes possible. And if she’s taking the contraceptive pill already this may be significantly lowering her libido.

I’m sorry you're in this situation, I’ve been there so I know how hard it can be, well from her side, scared that you’re going to loose the other person, so I guess you feel something similar if you fear you may break up over this.

Anyway talk to her,

Hope it works out for you, I really do. :)

PS- In the mean time maybe try looking at this message board. It really helped me. Maybe it would help your gf too - [url]http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/[/url]. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me that I was alone, that no one else felt as I do. But its important to tell her there’s nothing wrong with her, whatever happens and she’s not alone.

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I’m sorry you're in this situation, I’ve been there so I know how hard it can be, well from her side, scared that you’re going to loose the other person,so I guess you feel something similar if you fear you may break up over this.

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It made me google "love" just to ask for advice. I can't stand computers and technology. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. It's weird and new.

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Originally Posted by The Great OV!!! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

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hehehe.. yeah... sorry guys. I'm definately a champion of the waffle typing... :P Got to be getting close to the longest post ever award though right? :D

One of Benders famous phrases springs to mind ... "I'm not reading that crap, summerise it in one word!".... :D

Sooky,
I can't send private messages yet, but I wanted to ask you about your experience with your bf and having little to no sex. I'm in a very similar situation. My bf and I have been together on and off for a long time. Just recently, we started talking very seriously about getting married. And I told him I needed some time to think about what I want from life. So we haven't seen each other much for the last week. And the conclusion I've come to is this: My bf would make a wonderful husband. We are the best of friends, and we have an incredibly strong bond - lots in common, complementary viewpoints, similar hobbies, and the best of all great communication and emotional intimacy. The problem is I have a pretty strong sex drive, but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him. He's good looking and a master in the bedroom. I feel I should be completely satisfied - he does everything perfectly, exactly the way i want it and more. And he wants so much to be a sex god that he takes total initiative to try and improve his sexual skills. Sexually, he is a dream come true. So I can't figure out why I don't want to have sex with him because I do find other men attractive and think about having sex with them. So my first question is what do you think is going on with me/us? And secondly, do you think it can change over time?
If we were to get married or just even to stay together, do you think it is something that can be worked out? Like if I'm just not physically attracted to him, is that something I can change?

PS. Anybody, feel free to respond. Thanks!!

well if she sees sex as weird and gross, is it less you 'waiting' and more just her putting it off? have you asked her if she knows when she'll be prepared and anything like that, if you both love each other and neither of you have any "i wanna stay a virgin til marriage' views (as i do for religious reasons, but i wouldn't ask or recommend you conform to a faith you aren't affiliated with) then there shouldn't be a problem aside from her being afraid, and frankly, she can't very well never have sex, so why not now?

I dunno about the asexual thing. I have heard of that. But so far, it's more likely she's just a shy virgin. horses not zebras.

She fears something is "wrong with her", is uncomfortable with masturbation and oral, but comfortable with above-waist intimacy?

AHA! She's me!
well.. the 18 year old me. Except I never thought sex was below me... Seeing as I only had sex at 20, you're in for long wait. buy yourself a fleshlight.
So, to give you an insecure shy virgin's perspective: the things our parts start doing when we hit puberty are just scary as hell. Many girls start thinking that there must be something wrong with them. But intimacy is still good, which is why above-waist intimacy is no problem. We didn't even know where the heck the tampon was supposed to fit.. so how is your scary penis supposed to fit without severe pain? I was actually convinced that it wouldn't. But hold it, you're talking about sex when she isn't even comfortable with oral. You gotta show her that you're not in any way repulsed by her parts- in fact, you crave them and find them beautiful!

So how far have you gotten exactly? does she also want to keep her pants and/or panties on, stays under the covers, and have the lights off or low?

Your English is really good (it isn't obvious that you don't use it that often).

She is young. Don't push her. Maybe she would like to make love to her husband. There are still a few out there that still believe in this.

Yah, you gotta get your hands beneath the belt long, long, long before you ever think about sex.

Start by patting her bum!

But I think think that whether or not she is asexual, there is always the possibility that she may be less sexual than you. Or it could just be the shy scared virgin thing.

The main thing is whether you want to wait to find out

I was a scared virgin (took me a year and a half with my first boyfriend before we had sex). But even then I always had a sex drive! We were "fooling around" for a long time before we had sex. I was nervous at first when he started touching me down there - but I liked it..... and being slow and gentle with low expectations helps!

Slow and gentle might work. Still, if she isn't ready, I wouldn't push it.

how would you know? you never tried.

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Originally Posted by clynn [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Start by patting her bum!

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yup. Seriously. this sounds bad, but you really just have to gradually get below the belt, starting as gradually as possible.

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Originally Posted by clynn [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But I think think that whether or not she is asexual, there is always the possibility that she may be less sexual than you. Or it could just be the shy scared virgin thing.

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yup. you can't really know yet. She may never have as strong a drive as you- or she may be a beast once unleashed!

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Originally Posted by clynn [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The main thing is whether you want to wait to find out

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yup.

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Originally Posted by clynn [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was a scared virgin (took me a year and a half with my first boyfriend before we had sex). But even then I always had a sex drive! We were "fooling around" for a long time before we had sex. I was nervous at first when he started touching me down there - but I liked it..... and being slow and gentle with low expectations helps!

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yup, you're like me. I was horny- but too shy to actually be touched down there. And you know, he did the right thing; didn't mention sex, just started going there slowly and gradually in increments. I was too shy to actually ask for it, so he just kept going as far as I'd let him, which was a bit more each time. There's a fine line between doing this in a bad, pressurising way, and in a good gradual way, though

He treated you good then, right, mate?

HÉ, it sounds like..