I'm not physically attracted to my girlfriend

Hello everyone,

I need everyones help. I really don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend but I'm not physically attracted to her. Shes great in so many ways, but I have no desire to make love to her. What is odd, is the fact that she if beautiful and people are always commenting on how pretty she is. So its not like shes not attractive, but I just prefer a smaller frame person. Its not like she is obese, but she is a bigger woman than I usually go out with. Some would ask, then why are you with her. Well I loved her personality more than her body. I feel like I'm putting conditions on my love for her. She complains that we don't sex enough. When this happens I very gently tell her that if she were to lose weight that I might be more in the mood. Well after years of this there has been little change. I have told her straight out, I would be more attracted to you if lost weight. Again, I should love her no matter what size she is right? We currently live together and have been for a few years now. On one side I think I would be a fool to leave this woman b/c she is great in so many ways and I will never find anyone like her. On the other hand, how can I continue to be in a relationship where I'm not attracted to my partner. I'm also afraid that I leave her and I realise it was a mistake afterwords. I mean she wants to get married and have kids. How can I marry someone I'm not physically attracted to. Plus, if I think shes overweight now, what happens when she has kids.

So as a side note. I met a girl recently. She seems like the perfect girl for me. I don't know her very well, so it is foolish to make that comment. However, you know when you meet someone and there energy is just so great. Your just vibing off each other. Well, that doesn't happen too often for me. I cannot get this girl out of my head. I would love to just get to know her. I'm in complete lust for her right now. Why cant I find a girl who I lust for and love at the same time. Look, I know this other girl could be just insane but just the fact that shes in my head as much as she is makes me think I shouldn't be in a relationship.

Ok...sorry to ramble and jump all over the place. So basically I need advice on what should I do with my current girlfriend. She is defintelly one of a kind and I love and care for her immensly but I'm not just not physically attracted to her. What a delima. Any suggestions?

just go with your heart... if you dont think you can do it then dont, lots of people can bond but you gotta have the love and i personally dont think you have the love for her... you might love her but your not in love with her.

dont take my advice really though lol, im in a lust sitution i think to
just gotta do what u think is right man thats what im gonna do

If your not attracted to her then let her go. I think you'll find out later in life that looks are just superficial. But for right now, they do play a part in any relationship. If its affecting you sex life, it will effect other things as well eventually.

Honestly, in your mind, you have already moved on and are interested in someone else.

If you aren't 100% sure you want to settle down w/ your gf or aren't satisfied, then go and find what you are looking for.

Your gf deserves to be with someone who loves her unconditionally and does not abstain from sex because secretly he's not attracted. If my bf felt like this, I would want him to let me go. Because, in the long run, you will either make her miserable or you will end up cheating.

I agree with Ellynn. Let her go. It is selfish of you to prevent her from finding someone who loves her entirely, and a constant stream of criticisms about her body isn't helping anything. I think it is best to look at people "as is" and not try to pester them into being something they aren't.

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Originally Posted by Ellynn [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

in the long run, you will either make her miserable or you will end up cheating.

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that is SO true.
I know it sounds like a superficial issue to have.. but you gotta be attracted to your partner in a sexual way! that's a huge deal.

How's your own shape?
I ask because my bf is really fit, and frankly if I let myself go, I'd feel guilty. I find it hard to believe that she's the overweight one, while you're not at all, and yet she feels no pressure there.
Heck, a really big reason why i'm exercising and changing my diet right now is to make myself attractive for my bf, to show that i'm the type of person that can take care of myself, make good choices and be healthy, etc. It goes so much deeper than weight.
anyway, maybe if you start getting into shape yourself, she'll join in; OR, if you're already really fit.. well, maybe she feels like she's so far behind she'd just make a fool of herself to you if she tried... ie, you'd be jogging laps and she'd be hanging behind panting. not motivating at all!

either way, this has to come to a conclusion, cause the way it is, you'll just gradually eat away at her self-esteem, and the sex situation certainly wont get any better either.

Tell her to stop eating too much lolz1111!!

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Originally Posted by Tiay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

that is SO true.
I know it sounds like a superficial issue to have.. but you gotta be attracted to your partner in a sexual way! that's a huge deal.

How's your own shape?
I ask because my bf is really fit, and frankly if I let myself go, I'd feel guilty. I find it hard to believe that she's the overweight one, while you're not at all, and yet she feels no pressure there.
Heck, a really big reason why i'm exercising and changing my diet right now is to make myself attractive for my bf, to show that i'm the type of person that can take care of myself, make good choices and be healthy, etc. It goes so much deeper than weight.
anyway, maybe if you start getting into shape yourself, she'll join in; OR, if you're already really fit.. well, maybe she feels like she's so far behind she'd just make a fool of herself to you if she tried... ie, you'd be jogging laps and she'd be hanging behind panting. not motivating at all!

either way, this has to come to a conclusion, cause the way it is, you'll just gradually eat away at her self-esteem, and the sex situation certainly wont get any better either.

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I'm in great shape. Working out has been a hobby for me for 5 years. I love a woman who is in great shape. She doesn't push herself physically the way I do. Shes content being overweight. Maybe she just needs to find a guy who thinks shes perfect the way she is.

I can't imagine anybody being *completely* content with being overweight- even with nobody else involved, there'd always be a niggling feeling of self doubt. Even more so I can't imagine anybody being content with their overweight- or even just average- bodies if their partner works out a lot. I bet she secretly feels like she wants to get in shape.. but doesn't know where to start, and is scared of looking silly in front of you.

for instance, my boyfriend does yoga. His parents have been doing it for years and are really good, too. that's all great, but it's really hard to get into the same league as that. Any progress I make doesn't seem like progress because everyone's been there already. It's almost humiliating in a way, though that's too strong a word.
He even gave me a really nice yoga video. But it still feels like "his skill" somehow, and that makes it de-motivating.

Sexual attraction is part of relationships, at least at this age. If it's not there, then you don't have a complete relationship. It's as if you've got a very lovely hat that, despite the quality, just doesn't match your suit. It doesn't work.

Let her go, if you care so much about her, and find someone who wants the whole package.

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Originally Posted by Tiay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can't imagine anybody being *completely* content with being overweight- even with nobody else involved, there'd always be a niggling feeling of self doubt. Even more so I can't imagine anybody being content with their overweight- or even just average- bodies if their partner works out a lot. I bet she secretly feels like she wants to get in shape.. but doesn't know where to start, and is scared of looking silly in front of you.

for instance, my boyfriend does yoga. His parents have been doing it for years and are really good, too. that's all great, but it's really hard to get into the same league as that. Any progress I make doesn't seem like progress because everyone's been there already. It's almost humiliating in a way, though that's too strong a word.
He even gave me a really nice yoga video. But it still feels like "his skill" somehow, and that makes it de-motivating.

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You obviously don't have many black people in Ireland. They are blissfully accepting of their bodies, whatever the shape. They have not been trained to hate themselves the way white women have.

The girl I'm semi-dating back home is black, and I can tell you that ain't so. She looks great to me, but she's always going on and on about losing weight.

In fact, it isn't so with any of the black women I know. They all fuss over their bodies to some extent.

Ok...there's sth pretty weird about this story, jackson25.
I could understand if you have a doubt like that at the very begining of the relationship...but you guys are together for a couple of years? I just can't understand how did you put up with this feeling for so long. Ok, she has a perfect personality, but still.. She could just have been your best friend from the begining, why it evolved into sth more? Is it because everybody else were saying how beautiful she is?

Btw, I think that, if you really care for her, you should be honest to her and yourself, and let her go. You should have done that long time ago.

And, when that happens, and you end up with that physically attractive one, don't be suprised if your ex suddenly loose all that extra weight (she meets the perfect guy, the one that wants the whole package, so she finnaly feels fulfilled and stops with filling her void with late night snacks).

"ding" - there you have it. I knew sooner or later one of the posters would blame you for your girlfriend's weight problem. You see, now you know, your girlfriend's pudginess is a result of her overeating from personal unfulfillment which is a result of your poor treatment of her. It's so clear now, isn't it?

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The girl I'm semi-dating back home is black, and I can tell you that ain't so. She looks great to me, but she's always going on and on about losing weight.

In fact, it isn't so with any of the black women I know. They all fuss over their bodies to some extent.

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Really? Maybe they are different in California, or maybe things have changed since I moved into the mini-aryan nations 13 years ago. There aren't too many black people here, and the ones I know have major issues with their hair, not their bodies.

Anyway, I don't think it is Jackson's fault his girlfriend looks.... however she looks. I think he just needs to accept her as is, or move on.

Although when I think about it, the black women who are overweight do seem to have more self-esteem than their white counterparts. So maybe you're right.

I have taken my g/f to the gym and she has made improvements but then she just doesn't really take it any further. Its like if I'm not saying anything about it, then she doesn't feel the need to go. I'm also afraid that I'm just bored and thinking with the other head. If I go out and ravage some other girl I think I will then miss my current g/f. If that makes sense.

By the way, she has weight issues her whole life. There are some deep rooted emotional issues with her weight. Plus shes latin, so I think she is predisposed to putting on weight. Bottom line, I think the spark is just gone. We seem more friends than anything else. But she is incredibly in love with me. I have tried to break up with her, and she lost it. I mean suicidal talk, etc. We since met with a therapist which helped immensly, but there is just something missing. I'm just so afraid to throw away someone like her. She is not your average girl. With the exception of the suicidal talk and being overweight, she is really one the best person I have ever met. It kills me to think of hurting her.

Do you want to be with her or not? Make up your goddamned mind. If you don't, break it off. If you really think she's going to kill herself arrange an intervention. Have the decency to let her find someone who does want to be with her. Don't beat a dead horse.

Charlie Boy & Vashti - I never said that it was jacksons fault that she has weight issues. My point was that it is possible to overcome such thing if one makes some major change in life.

jackson25 - she mentioned suicide? Well...that sounds like a serious depression to me.:sad2: And you say she loves you more than ever? I don't think so. If she does, she wouldn't threaten you like that, imposing a sense of guilt, etc.

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Originally Posted by Gribble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you want to be with her or not? Make up your goddamned mind. If you don't, break it off. If you really think she's going to kill herself arrange an intervention. Have the decency to let her find someone who does want to be with her. Don't beat a dead horse.

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Thanks for being so incredibly sensative. Your answer was exactly why I joined this forum. It was well thought out as well as thought provoking. I feel like I can take this new knowledge that you have bestowed on to me and conquer the world!!!!

Yea...whatever.

Listen, I know I'm going back and forth but that is exactly why I joined this forum. I want to get other peoples perspective. This is not an easy situation. If she was a bitch or hard person to get along with I would have dumped her along time ago.

Whatever, man. I'm not Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky PC Cunt. Especially not when I'm dealing with guys like you who think they're doing a good thing by sticking with a woman they don't even want to be with.

My perspective is this: you need to grow up. Here you are prattling on about how great this girl is.... but she's fat and you wanna bang other chicks. Am I right or am I wrong? Is that not what you're saying? Then you go on to say that you don't want to hurt her. Guess what, staying with her because you feel bad is just going to hurt her more in the long run. If you care about her you need to cut her loose. Not drag her along until you finally give in and start sleeping with other women. That's really going to hurt her. You even said that you tried to break it off with her. For Chrissakes, be a man. Don't try, do. Break up with her if that's what you want. Be gentle and consoling, but do it.

I don't think you should stay with her if the only reason you are doing so is so she won't kill herself. I doubt she would, anyway - that is just an attempt at manipulating the situation, more than likely. If you are worried about it, tell her family you are worried about her and why, and then break things off. No girl in her right mind wants her man to stay simply out of pity.

I don't understand how anyone can be with someone they are not attracted to. I always figured that the people who I don't find attractive but yet have a BF/GF are likely to be found attractive by them.

yeah, we don't have any many people here.. in a way. There's not a single one the VisCom department of college. Though there are a lot of a asylum seekers in my local town. We had the first purpose built mosque in Ireland. It's estimated there are 41 different nationalities, and 38% of the inhabitants are non-irish.

anyway, i'm going out on a tangent...
I still say she does want to shape up, just feels like giving up because you've already been doing it as a hobby for years.

I think that it will be really for you to break up with her, of course you love her.

However, it seems quite clear that you're ready to move on.

It will be hard, but it is best for both of you.

(It isn't good for her to be hearing she must lose weight).

Someday, somebody will love all of her - and some men like their women with a little meat on their bones, and others like teeny-tiny girls, etc. She deserves to be with someone who thinks she is sexy - obviously, as you've said, many people think she is beautiful just how she is.

first of all, she deserves someone who loves her just the way she is. and you deserve to be with a person whom you love. a relationship without sex is just friendship. and you are afraid to let her go coz of uncertainty. so you're trying go compromise one of the best and beautiful and importantvthing between two lovers- love making. so please dont be afraid of uncertainty and just go ahead, live your life by trying to make yourself happy...take some 'risks' thats all life is about!! nothing will go wrong.

better let her go, but don't be totally honest about the reason when you talk to her, it will affect her confidence and self-worth. Be a gentleman and take the blame!

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Originally Posted by hanna [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

first of all, she deserves someone who loves her just the way she is. and you deserve to be with a person whom you love. a relationship without sex is just friendship.

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But the desire for sex is more lust and not love and there is a big difference between lust and love. If he wants true love, then he should stay with her.

Sex is lust because you're lusting after the physical appearance of someone alone while true love is more unconditional or unselfish. True love does not expect a lot in return and is really much more like friendship.

That is just my opinion though, someone else may see it differently.