your experience torn between ex and current girl/boyfriend

My boyfriend hooked up with his ex two months ago and we are now into the third week of our one month cooling off period. He asked me beginning of this week if he breaks all contacts with her will I be willing to forget all that happened in the last few weeks. Today is Sat. and she went to his place last night and stayed. She's been there at least the first weekend we were apart. But he told me he is so conflicted since he has such a good time when he sees me but also when he sees her.

Just want to know if anyone else has similar experience where you have an ex and current g/bf you have to choose from. I want the view from your perspective since all I see here are mostly the dumpee postings.

I think today I am going to pull the plug. It is just too painful.

Quote:

---

I think today I am going to pull the plug. It is just too painful.

---

Yeah. Call him up and say, "I'm going to make the situation a LOT less confusing for you. She's all yours." Click . . . .

Let him go! It's so much easier, and don't let him think he can jsut string you along for months while he tries to decide who he really does like more. Tell him he can have his ex casue your better then that, and go find yourself a guy taht will treat you a lot better. And trust me I do know what your going through...I'm speaking from experience here. Good luck with whatever you choose to do though!

Quote:

---

and don't let him think he can jsut string you along for months while he tries to decide who he really does like more.

---

And if he DOES try to do this, you bet that he'll be fooling around and probably sleeping with her while he "tries SOOOOO hard to make a decision." And at least will try to fool around/sleep with you until he realizes that he ain't gonna get any from your end (unless you are stupid enough to give in and give him some too. I'm not saying you are, but there are CERTAINLY girls out there who are.)

I had a 3 hour phone conversation with him last night. Rach, I agree with your quote 1000% that everything happens for a reason.

Friday evening he called me but I didn't answer. He left a message that he will call Sat afternoon or evening. But Sat morning I decided to call him to tell him I can't take this anymore and need to just end it, even though I knew she was there with him. As I expected he didn't pick up my call.

Well, it was one of the longest afternoons and I went out to dinner with my friends and by the time I got home he still didn't call me. So I called him. But instead of coming right out that I want to end the relationship, I asked him why he didn't call me. He said he was just going to call. So I told him I tried calling him in the morning to tell him I want an end to all this. He said he knew that was me but he couldn't answer the phone because ironically he ex was also telling him that she can't take this anymore and she wanted to break up. Had he picked up my phone, I'd be the one gone. Well, I'm back in now, but I'm not jumping for joy yet.

You see, the story is we had an open relationship but I wasn't seeing anyone else when I suggested it and I didn't see anyone else all along after either. Call it women's instinct or intuition I felt that it would be a test to see if I can commit to him since for some reason I had still some doubts about him and his ex since they were still "friends" when we first meet. Four months went by and we were happy. Then two months ago his ex kept calling wanting to get back and he got an assignment near her house so they went to dinner and more dinner led to them getting back together. I noticed that our relationship seem to have less passion, as expected since he was getting it somewhere else, I asked him and he said he was probably taking me for granted that I'd be there every weekend. So I got upset and told him I want a one month break. The first weekend we were apart I missed him so I went to see him only to find her car there. Anyway, what I think I am mad about is that I meant taking one month off each other to just think about what we each want and so we can miss each other, not one month off so he can spend all those weekends with her to get closer to each other.

Since I started making a fuss that he has to come to some conclusion by the end of the cooling period, he said he was conflicted because he said he had such a good time when he saw me and yet he also had a good time when he saw her. So the last one that he saw become the favored at the time. I said had I not found out about her staying over the first weekend and so he can keep seeing her for the next month and not me, I think you'd want to get back with her by the end of the cooling off period. He said that could very well be possible.

So my dilemma is what to do with this reconciliation. There are things that we definitely need to talk about openly and deal with. I know my issue was fear of commitment, that's why I wanted an open relationship to begin with. To me, his issues are why after 4 months finally let his ex- back in, is that right to take advantage of that 1 month break to spend time with her without telling me, and can I really trust him anymore. Actually he is going to take one month off of both me and her to do some thinking by himself. Any suggestion how to handle this now?

stay away from him. He wanted his cake and eat it too.
I wouldnt want to be with someone who had to take time to figure things out, been there, done that, and I'll be damned if I would be placed on the back burner to decided if its ME he wants.

Honestly-no matter how hard you try to make excuses for him and the situation, hes not gonna decide. If you really feel that you could have a trust worthy relationship with him, a healthy one, fine wait it out, but what does it say to you, when he has to have time to think about it. Hes saying "hmmm let me see who makes me happier." **** THAT!!!

When youre put in that situation which you are now, how do you think youre going to be over the next month? Your mental status? DO you think you'll be able to EVERYDAY NOT think about it, wonder, worry, the what ifs? You WILL put yourself through HELL!!!!

This hasnt been that long of a relationship, not a whole lot invested into it seeing that you placed the bar of an open-relationship, you opened the door for this to happen-granted you had your own issues, but I would get out. You'll ONLY make your life crazy until he decides, is that what you want for yourself?

Ive just recently went through that BS, and let me tell you its a nightmare, your emotions will be all over the place.

Girl-these kind of men are useless. They dont have the balls to stand up for themselves...

Goodluck...really-this is tuff....

Quote:

---

stay away from him. He wanted his cake and eat it too.

---

Just reiterrating it for Squirrely here. Just to MAKE SURE you hear it.

Quote:

---

He said he knew that was me but he couldn't answer the phone because ironically he ex was also telling him that she can't take this anymore and she wanted to break up. Had he picked up my phone, I'd be the one gone. Well, I'm back in now, but I'm not jumping for joy yet.

---

That's stupid. You have no way of telling if it's truly over between him and her. He's had her behind your back before, and could very well just be SAYING that you're the one so he can have her behind your back again. I don't even know WHY you would decide to get back in it.

Quote:

---

You see, the story is we had an open relationship but I wasn't seeing anyone else when I suggested it and I didn't see anyone else all along after either. Call it women's instinct or intuition I felt that it would be a test to see if I can commit to him since for some reason I had still some doubts about him and his ex since they were still "friends" when we first meet.

---

Then that's YOUR mistake. Once you realize that you DON'T want him seeing someone on the side, you have to tell him and say you want to be exclusive. You never said that so now he can use that as an excuse for his behavior.

Quote:

---

said had I not found out about her staying over the first weekend and so he can keep seeing her for the next month and not me, I think you'd want to get back with her by the end of the cooling off period. He said that could very well be possible.

---

So what makes you think that he's going to favor you now? He even told you in his own words that he's a "love the one you're with" kind of guy. So what happens when you're NOT the one he's with and his ex stops by his house just to say "Hi" one day? And when leaves the next morning?

Quote:

---

Actually he is going to take one month off of both me and her to do some thinking by himself.

---

Sure . . . . I believe that one . . .

Quote:

---

Any suggestion how to handle this now?

---

Yes. I'd call him up and say, "I'm going to make the situation a LOT less confusing for you. She's all yours." Click . . . .

Go ahead and pull the plug, girl. You can't trust him. You are not losing anything.

but gaining your own self respect!! Thats a hell of a lot more important!!!

Ok, I have been the dump-er in this case. Dumped my ex for some guy, even though I was still really in love with the ex. Broke my ex's heart, then 3 months later turned around and told the other guy I was going to try and get my ex back. So horrible! I went back to my ex, for 4 more years, but essentially that one incident ruined the whole relationship with both people. Essentially, you will end up resenting this person over time for treating you this way, and you will never let it go. Its a hard thing to just 'forget' about. Best to walk away now.

I emailed him this morning to find out if he is sorting thru this to still pick between the two of us or just to see what he will want from our relationship going forward.

He finally reply to tell me that his ex said she's been casually dating two other guys and one of them might have potential. He said he hasn't had such strong feeling for her since 3 years ago and is sad that she has to break up with him again for the second time. He said I would be happy to know he put her pix in the drawer today.

Now I feel like a backup, or am I just the bitter winner because this ex just chose to exit. This is not going to be easy to mend the relationship. We will have to talk about this for quite some time to make sure we have trust in our relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by jjhung

Now I feel like a backup, or am I just the bitter winner because this ex just chose to exit.

---

Exactly. Do you WANT to be his second choice?

Let it burn, my friend ...

I don't want to be the second choice. But is it so easy to let go? How would he treat me from now on?

you ARE the second choice.

He is taking this time to sort thru his feelings and emotions, but he said it is over between him and his ex. He is sad about it and also about us as he knows his confusion could cause the failure of our relationship. He said he does miss me and is truly sorry for hurting me.

I told him this chapter of our relationship is over and I am completely heartbroken and I need to heal myself. I told him I need to get over him and until we both have healed from our emotional wounds we won't be able to start over again. I still have hope that it will work out between us in the future.

His 40th birthday is coming up in May. I was planning a small dinner party but now I am going to forget about it. We will just go to dinner on his birthday. I predict it will be awkward though since I told him I need to get over him. In my mind that means we are not really together.

Oh girl, you should just forget him!! He did it once, he'll probably do it again! You shouldn't have to be second best! There's another guy out there for you! Let this loser go so he can see how it feels to have a broken heart! And as it seems him and his ex deserve each other for both dating multiple people and stringing people along like that. Trust me when I say I know it's not easy! But I also know it will get better, and you can do better!!

Quote:

---

sfalexi said . . .

I'd call him up and say, "I'm going to make the situation a LOT less confusing for you. She's all yours." Click . . . .

---

uh did she not read anything any of us said? hmmm.

Why is she trying to heal from the pain, get over him, and then to just get right back with him?

I DONT GET THIS ONE????

I am trying to move on. This is the time when I have to take care of myself and heal my wounds. As I am giving him time to get over her, I am also giving myself time to get over him. Don't worry, I am not seeing him for a while. And I will not go back to his apartment, at least not for a longggg longgggg time like over six month or even more. I told him I can't get rid of the image of her being there and I just can't stand even going to his area anymore.

I know we had an open relationship but I am mad and hurt that he can't decide who he wants. In his email he said he had very strong mutual feeling about breaking up with his ex by the time she brought it up. I guess he is now trying to fix things telling me that it was really me that he wanted. Too late. I told him that I feel like the lousy second and don't think I can easily get over this feeling.

He said hopefully I will be there by the time he gets himself together. I am not waiting for him. I deserve to be treated better. He'll have to do a lot to make up for what he did. But just for my own curiosity, I want to know why in the first place he wanted to give her a chance. What did she say that was so convincing to him?

Right now it feels so hard to let go, but I guess it is because all this is still so fresh. I'm sure time will heal all. I am going to get this book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.

Unfortunately we will run into each other at least a few times a year in functions.

Well, it's good that you want time to yourself, but are you saying that 6 months down the roda yoou're going to take him back!?! How do you know he won't do this again to you>?

And you said you're giving him time to heal?? He's the one that was dating you both! He hurt you! You should by no means have to worry about his feelings now at this stage of the game.

You came here for advice, and pretty much everyone has told you the same thing. You just have to move on...it's the only way you'll get over him and get rid of the pain. I know that that part is easier said than done, believe me I've been there! Just give yourself time without him....don't talk to him, don't see him, don't do anything with him. And you'll be over him in no time.

Thanks. I don't think that would be a problem once I move on and start dating other people. But honestly I don't even think I want to date other people, even though last Friday was the first time I went to a bar restaurant with coworkers and already someone tried to pick me up as I was leaving by myself.

I guess I still have strong feelings for him. I know he is not a player and I know he is sorry for hurting me 'coz that's what he tells me everytime when we talk or email. I believe him because I know he is sincere and has been honest to me every since we started dating. I knew he went to dinner with her and knew he stayed over at her place because he told me. But because I suggested to have an open relationship, I told him not to tell me anything more about them so I won't have to think about it. He has been more honest and forthright in this relationship than me. My personal trainer knows the whole story since we started going out, and his last comment was be happy for him whatever happens and let this experience humble you. I had the upper hand in the start. I guess my trainer thought I deserve this. Only when this whole thing blow up that we found out how much I've gotten attached to him.

How will I know he won't do that to me again? I won't and if I ever have to give him a second chance he will have to prove it to me somehow that he is over her. I don't know how. But I know at least for now it is going to take a long long time if that is going to happen. There is this crack in the relationship that needs to be mended and while I am willing to let him back into my heart, we will have to be friends first. But in the end I know we can be just friends if not lovers. While the whole thing was hurtful, it wasn't hateful.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by jjhung
How will I know he won't do that to me again?

---

Well here's how I would make sure....

I'd call him up and say, "I'm going to make the situation a LOT less confusing for you. She's all yours." Click . . . .

Thank you for all your support.

Last night I kind of "interrogated" him about a lot of questions in my mind. Right now I have a very strong feeling towards just being friends. At one point he was willing to let the relationship go because he wanted to see how it would pan out with her when I wanted a one month break. It is that willingness that now makes me mad.

Of course I am saying it now because we saw each other for 30 mins. last night and then talked for 2 hrs on the phone afterwards. I think I just like the idea of his company. Someone to talk to about everything.