Chemistry and nature – what's the story?

Well I’ve been thinking about this since doppels thread. It’s been said that there are 3 types of attraction 1) emotional, 2) sexual and 3) intellectual

Can you get by on one alone = i.e sexual? For guys; is that the difference between us women and you men? Majority of you can get by for years (while you can still get it up) on sexual attraction whereas we women need all 3? Sexual attraction is apparently not a conscious decision but a reflex of nature.

Emotional attraction apparently has to do with self esteem. Women tend to have less self esteem than men and therefore I’m thinking we women need this too. Are we women deeper or more needy? Or rather are men more disconnected and don’t need emotional attraction coz most guys have a good dose of self esteem. This would suggest that we women are at a disadvantage, if so. Does this also mean we women can confuse someone’s attention and care for our self esteem (ie compliments etc) as love? Friends raise each others self esteem but does it get confused when it’s the opposite sex raising it?

Is that why women are usually the first in a relationship to declare their love?

I know I’m doing the usual asking tons of questions, it’s my train of thought atm.

I’m trying to analyse here whether we women are getting screwed by nature in relationships or not. I have a strong feeling that we are. I guess the gift we get from nature is being able to conceive….we got the raw end of the deal. Men and women what do you reckon? If we temporarily castrated men, before the decision of having a baby is wanted and re-castrate after the baby is born do you think it would help? :tough:

To make it short,Females are emotional creatures.
That is to say,they tend to strenghten their bond with their partner with time.And time creates memories.
Women aren't at a disadvantage in anyway,they just need to stop accessing situations,a broad base which includes r/s,by their feelings.
One thing I've come to realise it,girls have this dual mindset.
The know what they want and what they go go after.
Generally,they judge and go with their emotions.I'm not saying emotions are bad,they are needed for a fulfilling life provided they meet a guy who can provide the emtional securities,Guys who can assure the girls of what they want out from the r/s.
Emotions are deceptive.THey shouldn't be used to access anything.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is that why women are usually the first in a relationship to declare their love?

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I can honestly say that I have never been the first to declare my love to a man. In my experience it has always been the other way around.

So I guess I don't really agree entirely.

Sure there are women with self esteem issues. I saw a program once where men and women were asked about how attractive the saw themselves. Drop dead gorgeous women would say they were a 5 out of 10 and butt ugly guys would say they were a 9 out of 10. So maybe there is a difference in perception..or perhaps the media is harsher on women causing body/image issues.

The one thing I will say is that I think women attach emotionally during sex. Maybe this is an undoing of women as not all sexual partners make good life partners.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well I’ve been thinking about this since doppels thread. It’s been said that there are 3 types of attraction 1) emotional, 2) sexual and 3) intellectual

Majority of you can get by for years (while you can still get it up) on sexual attraction whereas we women need all 3?

Emotional attraction apparently has to do with self esteem. Women tend to have less self esteem than men and therefore I’m thinking we women need this too.

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I understand what you're saying eco, but I think it's a bit too bangled up and the meaning with the message got lost in your post somwhere.

First up, emotional attraction is not apparently to do with self esteem. Emotional attraction (how I see it) is based on emotional triggers. How does the other person "activate" you emotionally. You know how next to some people you feel like hitting them with a shovel. You don't know why you feel that way, but they just repulse you unexplainably. That's emotional repulsion. You know how next to some people you don't even need words, you see them and you just come alive. You feel on top of the world because they are there giving you energy. That's emotional attraction. So you're asking who gives of more or less of emotional attraction and energy men or women? I think that's entirely up to the individual.

Make whatever conclusion that you like out of this, just remember one fact you'll find a lot of guys will not pursue a sexual relationship with someone who emotionally repulses them.

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Originally Posted by Dasein [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I saw a program once where men and women were asked about how attractive the saw themselves. Drop dead gorgeous women would say they were a 5 out of 10 and butt ugly guys would say they were a 9 out of 10. So maybe there is a difference in perception..or perhaps the media is harsher on women causing body/image issues.

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But yeah, as a guy I certainly don't get fussed about guy models showing up on billboards and advertisements, if you have a career based almost solely on looking good you can spend 5 hours gymming each day and prop yourself full of supplements if that's what it takes, looking decent enough and getting some real stuff done still beats it.

What a great question, Jeanne!

First of all, there is difference between physical attraction and chemistry for both sexes. Physical attraction is a non-obsessive feeling that the person you are seeing is hot. Thank God that that is usually not enough to invoke chemistry because we probably see dozens of people every day that we think are hotties and it doesn't cause the obsessive reaction of chemistry.

Think of physical attraction as the on-off switch. With it, chemistry is possible ... without it, chemistry is not possible and the person will never be more than a friend.

Chemistry, on the other hand, triggers a reaction almost identical to addiction to opiates. A tiny but mischievous part of your brain floods your body with addictive hormones rendering you blissfully happy when you are together, and crushingly miserable when you are apart ... in every cell of your body.

Chemistry is physical attraction plus.

The plus is contact. As soon as your brain gets the impression (whether in reality or fantasy) that you might actually have a relationship with the object of your physical attraction, all hell breaks loose.

As for the difference between men and women ... for men, physical attraction + possibility (real or imagined) is enough. For women, physical attraction + emotional factors + possibility (real or imagined) is enough. These are generalizations of course ... some men require emotional factors, some women don't. There is no one size fits all.

I'm not sure emotional and intellectual are separate categories ... intellect is just one of many emotional factors.

In conclusion, mother nature screws men and women alike when it's one-sided ... mother nature blesses men and women alike when it's reciprocated. The latter is why we are so driven to keep trying, the former is why we feel so much pain.

Carl.

men have different emotional complexes i think. i also think they do need to have all three bits of attraction too. i think for anybody, just one bit would only get you so far.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In conclusion, mother nature screws men and women alike when it's one-sided ... mother nature blesses men and women alike when it's reciprocated. The latter is why we are so driven to keep trying, the former is why we feel so much pain.

Carl.

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in general terms tho, from what i've read on these forums, guys value sex a lot more than women (it seems) and can indeed go years with just sex and put up with incompatibility otherwise, or am i wrong?

Yeah, that was my generalization when I said "for men, physical attraction + possibility (real or imagined) is enough." Jeanne, so you are not wrong..

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, that was my generalization when I said "for men, physical attraction + possibility (real or imagined) is enough." Jeanne, so you are not wrong..

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oh what a pity :( i wanted to be proved wrong

Sex is merely an expression of physical attraction.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, that was my generalization when I said "for men, physical attraction + possibility (real or imagined) is enough." Jeanne, so you are not wrong..

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i don't believe you.

Well, Jeanne, would you really want men to be just like women? That's the spice!!!

Misombra, what part do you disagree with?

Carl.

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Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

in general terms tho, from what i've read on these forums, guys value sex a lot more than women (it seems) and can indeed go years with just sex and put up with incompatibility otherwise, or am i wrong?

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I think women do exactly the same though. How many women do you know that put up with incompatibility in relationship or just fool themselves? I know quite a lot.

I honestly don't think there's as big a difference between men and women than you imagine.

You're not going to get a lot of agreement with this topic, since the answer is so ambiguous. However, I don't think people's emotions can be categorized by gender. I don't think men and women are as different as claimed.

Well, on the sex part of things, it wouldn't come as much of a surprise if it turns out that the lass I'm into (make or break situation in two weeks, so maybe nothing'll happen after all) would want to wait until marriage before that, and while it would be disappointing since Im 20 and haven't experienced it (and mainly due to that it could potentially block it out for the next few years) I wouldn't consider it as a dealbreaker. She's worth it.

But then again, I don't consider myself to be as horny as other lads, so meh.

Oh, and a bit more on topic. Here's my take on it.

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It’s been said that there are 3 types of attraction 1) emotional, 2) sexual and 3) intellectual

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While I haven't studied it properly but I believe that input for all of our senses react to a biological component of our brain and triggers a reaction (reaction of compatibility, you'd might say), with the preferences that can trigger this varying between the genders as well as individuals, but that there are certain features that appeal especially well.

So while they can be intermingled I'd say that emotional and sexual belong to the same group (sexual being mainly visual and triggering lust, with emotional incorporating voice, smell and physical features that are appealing yet not in a sexual manner), and intellectual being how well the two personalities work out.

And essentially, there are certain ground rules for what humans instinctively can find to be a good match, with physical fitness being one such trait for healthy offspring.

I honestly believe women are more sexual than men, but we tend to hide it to protect our reputation and to be liked for more than just what we can do in bed. I love sex, and if I could do it everyday I would. But, I dont like being that upfront about it with a guy I like cuz when I start to mention all I can do some of them tend to get scared and wanna find a more tame girl lol. It's funny but at the same time depressing. I like a rough guy, but I guess St. Thomas got too many bitches. I only have one ex who had the ideal sex for me, but he cheated on me so that didnt work out.

Sexual attraction is the be all and end all for me. As I said in the other thread, if I don't have that with my girlfriend, why on earth is she my girlfriend?

Conversely emotional attachments and intellectual attachments are not prerequisites but bonuses. "Nice-to-haves", but not essential.

For example, if I have a high level of sexual attraction to a girl I know is of low intelligence, or that I have otherwise little emotional connection with, I will still pursue her. I will not fool myself into thinking those things exist when they clearly do not (like I think women often do). I may feel some regret at their absence but it won't really deter me.

However it shortens the shelf life of the relationship, because for me emotional attachment and intellectual sparring fuels sexual attraction. Without those elements, my desire will inevitably burn out. But as long as I'm still sexually attracted I won't feel the need to move on. I think I could go a considerable time on sexual attraction alone before it dissapates. At least a year or so.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But as long as I'm still sexually attracted I won't feel the need to move on. I think I could go a considerable time on sexual attraction alone before it dissapates. At least a year or so.

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For me that would feel a bit self defeating. Pursuing someone I care little about with whom I know any interaction is very temporary. I'd find it hard to justify to myself any time investment.

Not saying that it's right or wrong, I suppose we just feel different.


Eco, there you have it. Two guys with two different points of view. Not all men are the same.

Mishanya, you said: "I think women do exactly the same though. How many women do you know that put up with incompatibility in relationship or just fool themselves? I know quite a lot.

I honestly don't think there's as big a difference between men and women than you imagine."

You are right but don't forget, we were talking about chemistry, not relationships or love.

Carl

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For me that would feel a bit self defeating. Pursuing someone I care little about with whom I know any interaction is very temporary. I'd find it hard to justify to myself any time investment.

Not saying that it's right or wrong, I suppose we just feel different.


Eco, there you have it. Two guys with two different points of view. Not all men are the same.

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i don't think what you two said was that different. you both admitted that just one or two types of attraction will not get you very far.

your ages could make some difference. i think you're a little older than cb.

it's the same in girls though. as we get older we're less likely to invest time in just one type of attraction.

Hmmm, well with me, sexual/physical attraction is a big part of the initial attraction.

But after starting the relationship, emotion/personality become much more important factors. I broke up with my last gf, entirely because I did not feel emotionally attached to her.

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Originally Posted by uncertain777 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hmmm, well with me, sexual/physical attraction is a big part of the initial attraction.

But after starting the relationship, emotion/personality become much more important factors. I broke up with my last gf, entirely because I did not feel emotionally attached to her.

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Exactly, uncertain, that's why I made the distinction between chemistry and relationships/love.

Carl.

Everyone is different, I can't see labeling emotions and needs simply based on being a female or male.

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Originally Posted by Jade Altair [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Everyone is different, I can't see labeling emotions and needs simply based on being a female or male.

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ultimately, thats true, and i agree, i don't think i will get the real answer coz it's really hard to find. there are so many influences and factors that are involved such as religion, nurture, nature. it's impossible. i thought it would be easier to find out actually coz of some of the things written by men and women on the love forum and was wondering in people's opinions did it reflect the real world. it's an indication i think sometimes but again people can sometimes be influenced to say what they think people want to hear, not always but sometimes indeed. i'm still going to investigate further just out of my own interest. i don't know if i will ever be able to draw any finite conclusion.

thanks for all your input guys and gals :)