My Fiance

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29-01-09, 12:12 AM
BoatingGuru

My Fiance

Hello,
I just registered today. I have some issues to work on before I get married in 2 months. I hope someone can help.

I have been with my fiance (sarah) for almost 3 years. She basically moved in after about 1 month of dating. probably a mistake on my part, but I was just getting out of a long term relationship and loved sarah's company. we were inseparable. for the first 6 months there were just about 0 issues. she was soooo easy going. then all of the sudden I wasnt ready quickly enough to go to the beach. I had to help a friend out with something for 30 minutes. she flipped and drove off and started calling me every 3 min to yell. i couldnt believe this. I am a very laid back person and dont like confrontation.

This was just the beginning. even though we have the same interests and have a lot of fun together we were getting into more and more arguments. then before I knew it she wanted to get engaged and basically (before a year) left me because i wasnt ready. i dont like to rush things. most of the arguments have to do with jealousy. jealousy of my ex, which is totally over, jealousy of my relationship with my parents and my friends. she doesnt even like me to say hello to females that I run into who I have known for 10-25 years. She always has a comment that I must have gone out with them. not true. so i stopped saying hello unless they came up to me. she does get over things quickly, but I dont give her any sh*t when she talks to males. she always runs into people she knows. she spends 3-4 hrs in the gym 5 days a week and knows a lot of people.

she is extremely jealous of my relationship with my parents. to a point where she tells me when we can go out to dinner with them and when i can talk and when i spoke too much. does this to a lesser amount with my friends. she also doesnt like when my office help calls me on the weekend if there is an issue at work. even for 2 min i get yelled at. she can talk to her family many many times and i dont care. its ridiculous.

right now she isnt talking to my parents. they had an argument about something small and now nobody is talking. I still talk to her mother even though i have had many issues with her controling everybody and her incredible OCD.

I have seen her do the same thing with her parents. they give more attention to her brother, but give her 2300 birthday gifts to make up for it. I have seen her yell at her parents in public about them giving too much attention to her brother. i can go on and on.

what should i do?

thanks.
29-01-09, 01:01 AM
damn2008

Sounds like she is crying for attention.

If her parents showered her brother with attention and not her, then you see the roots of her personality right there. Obviously she wants your attention 100% as well...and it's becoming borderline controlling as you've said.

This is a serious issue since you two are engaged and if she FORCED engagement on you...then in my eyes, you are not getting married for the right reasons...especially if YOU are not ready.

I would sit her down and CALMLY talk to her about this. Keep your cool and composure, if you start blowing up as well...then it gets out of control. But if you speak to her calmly and collected then she should realize this is a serious matter. If she starts yelling, then it is really critical to get her to settle back down and listen to you. You've bent over backwards for her, now it's time for her to listen and shape up...or if I were you, get out of this relationship.
29-01-09, 03:22 AM
Gigabitch

Do NOT marry this woman. Just don't. She's an asshole. You don't want her to treat your family like that? Just wait until she starts treating your kids like that.
29-01-09, 03:51 AM
Lite

Yeah, as Giga's spot on about this. If you think Bridezilla is bad, wait until after the wedding when you're legally tied to her. Relationships really never get better than when you're dating. That's because you don't have to actually deal with all of their problems.

It sounds more like you don't have problems to work on, she does, and you should put your foot down about her behavior. Because if you don't, you will die a little bit inside every day until you divorce her pathetic ass. Every compromise, every insult, every bit of your life that she controls will kill you just a little more emotionally.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I received when I got married was, "Pick your fights. Ask yourself if this is really worth arguing over." And, you know, the little things aren't worth arguing for until there are enough little things to add up to a great big pile. And every little thing became another push further past my boundaries. Saying "NO" was grounds for a massive argument.

I felt as if every time I caved to a request that I was selling a piece of my soul. There was no compromise, because if it wasn't resolved to her perfect satisfaction, it wasn't resolved. And, you'll drown.

Don't do that to yourself. Respect yourself more than that.
29-01-09, 04:16 AM
bluesummer

This relationship is SO unhealthy, and SO headed for divorce unless you can rein her in now.

Have you ever had a heart to heart with her about his? Asked her why she treats you this way, and disrespects your family? You need to tell her that it makes you unhappy and is affecting your relationship. Communicate this to her BEFORE you get married. If she gets angry or refuses to hear you out, I think you should seriously think twice about going through with this wedding. Maybe you'll lose a bit of money from calling it off, but you get to save your sanity and dignity.
29-01-09, 04:51 AM
Indignant

she sounds really young? how old are you two?
29-01-09, 05:12 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoatingGuru [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she is extremely jealous of my relationship with my parents. to a point where she tells me when we can go out to dinner with them and when i can talk and when i spoke too much. does this to a lesser amount with my friends. she also doesnt like when my office help calls me on the weekend if there is an issue at work. even for 2 min i get yelled at. she can talk to her family many many times and i dont care. its ridiculous.

She sounds very insecure. That's probably why she is so controlling. It sounds like, she's an enemy of unpredictability, it must throw her life into chaos. Be ready for some rocky trips if you marry this woman.
29-01-09, 08:06 AM
carl1222

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This relationship is SO unhealthy, and SO headed for divorce unless you can rein her in now.

Have you ever had a heart to heart with her about his? Asked her why she treats you this way, and disrespects your family? You need to tell her that it makes you unhappy and is affecting your relationship. Communicate this to her BEFORE you get married. If she gets angry or refuses to hear you out, I think you should seriously think twice about going through with this wedding. Maybe you'll lose a bit of money from calling it off, but you get to save your sanity and dignity.

How do you reason with a psycho? You think she doesn't know it makes him unhappy? Tantrums are universally unacceptable ... we all learn that as babies.

Run from this engagement!

Carl.
29-01-09, 08:15 AM
Lipp

She's got some serious issues, that much is clear. I'd actually advocate seeing a shrink, sounds as if those emotions that she's got might have been an issue from childhood.
29-01-09, 08:21 AM
Lite

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lipp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's got some serious issues, that much is clear. I'd actually advocate seeing a shrink, sounds as if those emotions that she's got might have been an issue from childhood.

Possibly. But it's embarassing to postpone a wedding. If they got their ass into couples counseling now they might start to work things out, but I wouldn't enter into a legal (marriage) arrangement without a prenup at that point.
29-01-09, 08:35 AM
carl1222

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Possibly. But it's embarassing to postpone a wedding. If they got their ass into couples counseling now they might start to work things out, but I wouldn't enter into a legal (marriage) arrangement without a prenup at that point.

I dunno, Lite. The purpose of a prenuptial agreement is to protect your independent assets, not to provide an easy exit plan for your likely divorce. Never marry when a divorce is almost inevitable.

I agree she needs counselling, but are two months really enough time to know if things will really change?

Postponing the wedding, while embarrassing, will be a wakeup call for her at least, and will avoid a marriage between two people who are right now incompatible.

To paraphrase from the movie Gladiator ... a marriage at this point will be brutal, dark and short!

Carl.
29-01-09, 09:11 AM
TipsGoda

Break Free

i think as a person shes really possesive..i mean shes like owning you..
in a relationship theres got to be mutual understanding...not i own you,you own me..

confront her and tell her whats she been doing to you,if she loves you,she'll change for good..
if not..ditch her..shes just not worth it..
29-01-09, 12:43 PM
Lipp

Marrying into a declining relationship is probably the stupidest thing that you can do.
29-01-09, 12:46 PM
misombra

why do we keep getting these "he's beating me!" or "she's too controlling!" threads.

if you don't like it, then don't stay in it.

what the hell are you asking us for.

myself i'm willing to bet the op stays with this girl, marries her, and has a thousand kids.
29-01-09, 01:54 PM
vashti

Ugh. I can't imagine why you'd even THINK of marrying her. Also, I think it is really awful you'd allow her to mistreat your family this way. I don't know how to say it other than bluntly: you really need to grow a pair.
29-01-09, 04:48 PM
IndiReloaded

Lipp and Carl basically said it all for me.

Marriage is hard enough without going into it with these kinds of problems. Honestly, it doesn't really seem to me you like this gal all that much, and I can't really blame you. What will YOU ever be getting out of this relationship? Do you even know?

Not a hell of a lot, sounds like. This woman sounds like a classic shrew, sorry to say. She's got you so far on the defensive, I bet you haven't even had the opportunity to ask yourself this question.

Don't ever marry anyone unless you are really, really sure you want to make a lifelong commitment to that person. I promise you, even if you marry under *perfect* conditions, there WILL be times you will want to bury your wife head first in the back garden.

In this case, you might as well get your shovel and start digging now.
30-01-09, 01:16 AM
bluesummer

Quote:

Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How do you reason with a psycho? You think she doesn't know it makes him unhappy? Tantrums are universally unacceptable ... we all learn that as babies.

Run from this engagement!

Carl.

Yeah, but I've seen this situation before. Usually the guy is not really asserting himself. When he finally stands up and tells her he's not putting up with her shit any longer, she's often shocked into silence.

I know it sounds totally sexist, but women like this just need to be told how it is. They need someone to take control since clearly they can't control themselves.

Anyways, two months before a wedding is not the time to be working this out though. Put it off. You need to work this out long before a wedding happens or walk it out the door.
30-01-09, 05:17 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Marriage is hard enough without going into it with these kinds of problems. Honestly, it doesn't really seem to me you like this gal all that much, and I can't really blame you. What will YOU ever be getting out of this relationship? Do you even know?

Beautifully put Indi.

I think the main problem is that hearing of serious problems or telling someone to break up who is in a long relationship is like being hit with a sledgehammer over the head a couple of times. Probably worse, because at least after being hit with a sledgehammer one would be unconscious and it won't hurt as much. The woman could be a psycho killer, but after a long period together even someone like that would be hard to let go. Logic no longer applies, it's all about emotions. I can kinda understand now why people end up in these dysfunctional situations and don't want to let go.
30-01-09, 05:27 AM
Junket

I love the fact it wasn't necessary for me to provide any advice.

You all rock.
30-01-09, 06:20 AM
Indignant

and i love the fact that no one actually needed any advice.