How to forgive him?

Hi all, I'm a brand new member, have never posted anything in this kind of board but I'm at the end of my rope and you all seem so helpful and nice so I'm going to tell my story as briefly as possible in the hopes that someone can help me.

I'm 40. I ended a relationship five months ago. We lived together for over a year and dated for six months before we moved in. I left my boyfriend of 15 years for this man, I was so sure he was the one. Turns out he's not. I left for many reasons, mostly because I couldn't trust him and he didn't seem to care much about me. I also realized I didn't admire him, that I wouldn't describe him as kind, and that's very important to me. Also because he claimed to have lost his sex drive and we didn't have sex for three months before I left. So he was probably cheating too.

I know I did the right thing by leaving and that I'm better off without him yet five months later I still think about him too much. For financial reasons we've kept in contact, seeing each other maybe once every couple of weeks, and I'm trying to be friends with him. I've always been able to be friends with ex boyfriends and he's still fun to be around. Maybe I have to cut off as much contact as possible for the time being?

I have to forgive him for wronging me but don't know how. I love him and hate him so much at the same time it's driving me nuts.

How have you forgiven someone who has broken your heart and shattered your dreams? How have you let go of the resentment?

time... time is the only thing that will help you get over your feelings of hatred for someone. when you realize that hating him won't do you anything, but fill your life with negative feelings, you'll change the way that you think.

secondly, i don't hate most of my ex's because the past is the past. i won't let it affect my present.

raverboy

Time is the ONLY cure for that. You will eventually give up the hate, in exchange for not thinking or really caring about him.

I have yet to let go of my resentment from my ex and no I will never forgive her for the Hell she put me in.

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Originally Posted by The Immortal [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have yet to let go of my resentment from my ex and no I will never forgive her for the Hell she put me in.

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You will eventually. Trust me.

It's better to eventually get over it than to be bitter the rest of your life.

So let's see: you can't trust him, he's not very nice, he's a cheater (which means he's a liar & selfish by default) and who knows what else.

I can see why you dumped him. But why would you want to try to stay 'friends' with someone like this? If a guy has issues that make him a bad BF, he's not going to make a good friend either. I would be way more picky about my friends than who I date.

I think you should stop trying to be friends with this person. He is NOT your friend. You don't describe anyone I'd want to stay in contact with, anyway.

You can't be friends with someone that broke your heart and shattered your dreams. Why the hell would you? It's unhealthy.

As far as forgiving him goes, I'm not sure how much value that really has. I mean, pop psychologists like Dr. Phil might tell you that, and religions based on keeping people peaceful and submissive might tell you that, but in my opinion, forgiving someone when they've done something unforgivable is crazy.

You want to get past it? Then tell him to **** off and walk away. Whatever financial stuff you have tying you together can be handled on paper and with emails. I see no reason for you to ever see him again.

OMG thank you for all your responses!

This is the thing that really drives me crazy....I know he's a bastard who doesn't deserve my friendship but some part of me still likes to be around him....but I guess that's the self-destructive, unhealthy part, right?

I've never been sexually rejected before either. I'm in amazing shape for my age (not to be egotistical but I work hard at it so there it is) and get hit on all the time and the one man I want doesn't want me. That's probably a big reason I can't let go. Argh.

I think you should feel sorry for him ... cheaters are a sorry lot. He will never feel the joy and contentment of committing to a relationship. He will never feel the sense of longing for someone he wants to share a life with ... so he settles for someone he just wants to f**k. He will never feel love. So forgive him ... not because he deserves it, but because he's pathetic. What did he gain with his cheating? A few hours of meaningless sexual pleasure from time to time? I'd rather be you than him any day, even with the pain ... because the pain shows you are a living, breathing human, not just a sexual animal!

You will eventually find your match and be happy ... his future is much more bleak.

Keep completely away from him so you will be free to love again.

Carl.

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Originally Posted by purple flowers [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've never been sexually rejected before either. I'm in amazing shape for my age (not to be egotistical but I work hard at it so there it is) and get hit on all the time and the one man I want doesn't want me.

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Oh please stop right here.

Darling, I am a good looking woman too. But I do NOT get hit on by drug dealers or criminals. Not their type, I guess, and thank heaven for small mercies. I would feel terrible crushing their already poor self-esteem.

Get it? So, you aren't attractive to bastard, cheating assholes? This is a *good* thing & don't give him a second thought. Leave him to his easy sleaze types. :D

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You will eventually find your match and be happy ... his future is much more bleak.

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Carl, you are the best. That is all.

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Originally Posted by purple flowers [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe I have to cut off as much contact as possible for the time being?

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It's for the best, until you get over him completely at least. It's like quitting smoking, if you don't do it cold turkey you will always be wanting more.

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Originally Posted by purple flowers [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How have you forgiven someone who has broken your heart and shattered your dreams? How have you let go of the resentment?

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By having a nice cup of coffee, it did the trick :)

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So let's see: you can't trust him, he's not very nice, he's a cheater (which means he's a liar & selfish by default) and who knows what else.

I can see why you dumped him. But why would you want to try to stay 'friends' with someone like this? If a guy has issues that make him a bad BF, he's not going to make a good friend either. I would be way more picky about my friends than who I date.

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That's not very fair is it?There are peeps who could be a very bad relationship partner but pass as a platonic friend.
Unless that partner has issues that are essential for maintain human relationship.
I.E irresponsible,promse breaker,gossipers.

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Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you should feel sorry for him ... cheaters are a sorry lot. He will never feel the joy and contentment of committing to a relationship. He will never feel the sense of longing for someone he wants to share a life with ... so he settles for someone he just wants to f**k. He will never feel love. So forgive him ... not because he deserves it, but because he's pathetic. What did he gain with his cheating? A few hours of meaningless sexual pleasure from time to time? I'd rather be you than him any day, even with the pain ... because the pain shows you are a living, breathing human, not just a sexual animal!

You will eventually find your match and be happy ... his future is much more bleak.

Keep completely away from him so you will be free to love again.

Carl.

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Lmao, nice job Carl I almost felt bad, almost.....

Cheaters and relationship hoppers play roulette with their emotions, its a lot of fast and furious bliss, but it comes crashing down hard with time. Its hard to be the better person but always better in the end and the person people will remember fondly.




Cain is right, you will eventually let go of the hate, but it wont change how you feel towards them, only relieve your demons.

I hated my ex for a while and slowly let go of it. I no longer get mad, frustrated, angry or sad when i see her, she simply no longer exists in my world. I look right past her without thinking twice, erase her texts without even opening and generally feel good inside knowing that I stand WAY apart from her.

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Originally Posted by UKboy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's not very fair is it?There are peeps who could be a very bad relationship partner but pass as a platonic friend.

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What does fair have to do with this?

IMO, the qualities that makes someone good at relationships are very similar to those that make them a good friend.

I don't mean ppl who simply stay with their partners, btw. Relationships do sometimes fail or partners find they are incompatible. But the way people treat their partners when things end is, I find, very indicative of their maturity and quality as a person.

You owe him no friendship or forgiveness, really. Bitterness isn't healthy to hang on to for long periods of time, but you really don't need to feel "good" feelings towards this guy either.

Forgive him if it geniunely helps make you feel better and helps you move on, but don't do it just because you think you should. I don't forgive my sleazy ex for anything he did and I don't have any resentment towards him either. I just don't feel anything towards the guy.

As far as I'm concerned, I'll save my forgiveness for people who deserve it.

The best place for you to be in is one where you feel nothing towards him at all. And time will definitely help you with that.

Thank you all SO much for your straightforward answers. I wish I'd found this board right after I left him....for a couple of months there I fell into a depression so deep, I let this one person's feelings about me destroy my sense of self-worth. I've been keeping a journal of my feelings ever since things started to go foul but months of writing in that hasn't helped me as much as a couple of posts in this forum.

I do realize that he's pathetic and that I should feel sorry for him. One of my friends thinks he's one chromosome away from being a serial killer. Seriously. But it still pisses me off that an asshole like that could reject me and that anger keeps me from really feeling sorry for him. Does that make sense?

I guess I just feel like, right or wrong, I have to forgive him in order to move on emotionally. That's just me though. Gandhi syndrome maybe. Who knows.

Carl, you are a sage indeed.

And Indi, LMAO....you are so right on! Boo hoo sleaze boy doesn't want me. I should be glad and eventually will be.
:lol:

I wanted to stay friends with my ex when we first broke up, but you can't be friends with someone that you don't have respect for or doesn't respect you.

You were around him for so long that you have a hard time letting go completely. You're willing to hold on to him any way you can, even if you wouldn't have considered being friends with him had you never dated.

Hi,

Your look must be paid enough attention. He will be more likely to get back to you if you really know how to take care of your looks. Make a proper inquire in the concerned group to know whether he will respond positively when heard your words “I want you back”.

I had been wanting to post about the topic of "communicating to outsiders" and this a great thread to bring it up. The idea comes from relationship therapy and is covered in the book "it is your parents fault" (the title is tongue-in-cheek). the idea is that when you communicate to outsiders, meaning people outside of your relationship, you run a high risk of reinforcing your own self-righteousness. This can also downplay your own role in the relationship problems. For example in the original post, purple flowers said that her ex lost his sex drive and was "probably cheating". then, in subsequent posts by other people much was said about him being a cheater. doesnt sound like we know that he was actually cheating. maybe his side of the story can tell us why he lost his sex drive? maybe it was just some bastardly thing. maybe there wasnt a reason for it. afterall, there are posts about people who dont want to have sex with their partners because of emotional problems in the relationship, a common problem.

there are two sides to every story and it can valuable to not fixate on your own perspective. as hard as it is to accept and acknowledge, each party has a role to play and if you explore it honestly, you might find that there are good reasons why your partner pulls away.