When to Quit

At what point and under what circumstances have you called it quits on a relationship or marriage.

Everyone has different tolerance levels for 'crap' from our partners which include cheating, lying, stealing, drug/alcohol abuse, violence, etc. And the list goes on from these serious issue to seemingly harmless ones.

Please provide your experience and the reason for your decision if you can. I learn from the experience of others and your time and comments are greatly appreciated.

Peace to you all.

In my experience, it's over when you see yourselves headed in different directions and neither one cares to change course.

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Originally Posted by SealedWithAKISS [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Everyone has different tolerance levels for 'crap' from our partners which include cleating, lying, stealing, drug/alcohol abuse, violence, etc. And the list goes on from these serious issue to seemingly harmless ones.

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Giga has a good limit but it doesn't apply to me. Especially not the issues you list.
-cheating, violence are straight up dealbreakers and I'm not putting up with that crap. The first time will be the last time.
-lying, stealing, and other minor issues can be worked on and or through. I will stick around so long as both parties are actively and continuosly working through the issues. If one or both parties stop caring, or stop trying to fix the problem that's when I'm out. I guess it's 3 strikes you're out.

My example was affection/ sex. There was not much of it. I talked about it asked how I could help, what I could do blah blah blah. I tried to do my part at least sometimes. He would try for a month. Then go back to his old ways. I'd get pissed off and frusterated bring it up again. Promise to change... repeat 3 times. I was done. He wasn't about to really change and I was finished asking him to.

Well, I guess I sort of am the same as Giga... when one or more party no longer tries to fix it.

Thank you ladies. your experience and thoughts are enlightening and very helpful. It makes sense and its the road I seem to be on. My heart has not told me to quit yet but I have ran away only to be nurtured back by her. My values are different and that's why I'm still sticking around.

We fight and walk away then feel the closeness that is stronger than the pain we caused eachother. I have learned that those closest to you see your darkest deamons and at that moment, your partners character, skill and intentions are revealed.

We're not saying that love conquers all. But that seems like what you're getting at...

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We're not saying that love conquers all. But that seems like what you're getting at...

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I am just seeking advice so I can make an informed decision. I wonder how much more I should tolerate before quitting. Its a decision only I can make based on my tolerance, values and heart.

I am questioning my motive for being with her which I know is where my answer lies. Am I in love or lust. Is she loveable or FOBAR by choice. Its an edifying experience but not without emotional pain as well as pleasure.

Thank you for your time on this topic. Your comments are appreciated.

Peace!

What kind of screw up is this woman doing? Seems like you're taking her shit and swallowing it. Is she continuously cheating? lying?

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What kind of screw up is this woman doing? Seems like you're taking her shit and swallowing it. Is she continuously cheating? lying?

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THank you!!! I really needed to hear that. Sincerely. Why should I even bother at the first sign of serious issues someone has. Why be the next victim?!

She lies to avoid consequences and be accepted. She lies to hide what she sees as her unacceptable faults. I can't change a person. They have to change on their own.

One peice of advice I like was that I should choose partners who are in a better position for a relatiionship regarding emotions, maturity, character, etc.

Has she been confronted? Have you told her that lying isn't acceptable? Does she know that her faults are accepted (to a point)?

She seems unexperienced and immature. How old is she?

She's 34 and an ex-military cop.

Oh Yea. I've confronter her many times and she gets defensive. She has several tactics when confronted: change the topic, order me to stop it using a stern voice, and not engage in the conversation at all. At times she does engage and at other times she uses the tactics listed. I started noticing issues within 2 months and it has been a constant issue since then. We've been involved for almost 12 months.

When she uses the tactics listed, I know she is lying and hiding somethings. I recently broke up with her for lying and she still denies any wrongdoing. SHe hates being callout as a bad person. It hurts her self esteem. Her mom constantly criticized her. Her mom is not passed from drug overdose and was abusive and unloving to her. So that phobia of being unloved by the one she loves is played out in our relationship causing doubts, fears and resentment.

Yea, its a mess. I have walked away 5 times and she still runs to me. And, the obvious thought is that this will continue until she finds someone else and then the cycle of deception starts over for her.

So about the wrongdoing? What do I intend to do? I am walking away as far and fast as I can but not fully committed yet. I am almost there. I gave it a year and it only got worse.

So then I must ask what the hell is wrong with you? At 34 a woman should be able to figure out that lying to your partner is wrong. But no this woman is 34 still lies, gets caught, called out, then gets mad that you're mad she's lying but continues to lie. One year later she STILL doesn't know this is wrong. One year later you're STILL sitting here wondering.

Real good catch you got there.

I think it's time to end it. She has no business being in a relationship with anyone.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So then I must ask what the hell is wrong with you? At 34 a woman should be able to figure out that lying to your partner is wrong. But no this woman is 34 still lies, gets caught, called out, then gets mad that you're mad she's lying but continues to lie. One year later she STILL doesn't know this is wrong. One year later you're STILL sitting here wondering.

Real good catch you got there.

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Thanks for the tough love Girl68. You're a good sister.

I'm pretty easy to get along with, and pretty tolerant, too. I have only 1 real deal-breaker, and thats honesty. 1st lie, and it's over.

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Originally Posted by Perryville [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm pretty easy to get along with, and pretty tolerant, too. I have only 1 real deal-breaker, and thats honesty. 1st lie, and it's over.

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I understand. I also know that feelings can overpower logic. But, there is a point where the feeling of love is soo damaged that logic takes precedent.

That old saying is true for me that love is blind as well as deaf. I'm learing and this lesson was worth it to me. I am wiser and more confident that I did my best and realized I cannot change anyone. They have to change themselves.

I'd disagree with 1 lie and it being over. But that's just me. But repeatedly lying- no way, no chance.

If they will lie once, they will lie twice, why give them the chance?

You do understand that I'm talking about real lies, not innocent fibs , like a surprise B-day party, or X-mas present. When I say lie, I'm talking about intent to deceive.

So Perry you have NEVER told a lie?

I guess it depends what they're lying ABOUT. In my opinion yeah the subject of lie does matter. At least for me I take that into consideration.

Like I know I'll be flamed: I certianly was in my thread about it. To be brief: Guy from work asks to go out for Friday beers. 'Round here that's a regular thing. It's a group thing guys, gals, singles, married. Anyays I accept. Then I find out the regulars aren't coming- it will be just me and some dude. Crap, I think. So I ask his friend who is also my friend if he might think this is a date. She says yes. I think crap again. So me not wanting to be all like "you know I have a bf riiight?" snotty. I sneak in a "can't stay long I have to go to XXX with the bf". So I said it. Anyways. I asked if I should tell my bf that I'm going for beers and if I need to say with whom. At the end of the day I told my bf that I was meeting up with my bff (wait, before you go off let me finish). I had plans the WHOLE time to meet up with my bff after these beers. When the time comes to leave I realize I can't drive I'm drunk. I end up not going to see my bff. I never told my bf I didn't see her and that I went on these beers with this co-worker. Note: for all the folks who though I was a cheating whore. Not a damn thing happend, nor did he try.

Anyways yeah I lied. Yeah I could be busted. Yeah he'd be pissed- rightfully so. No, I'm not going to tell. Now did I do wrong? Yeah. Do I regret it? NO.

Generally speaking, we all lie. For me, lying about core issues is not acceptable while lying about a surprise party is acceptable. Personally, I don't lie about who I am, what I belive, actions I have taken.

I hold myself accountable for my actions. When I meet people who hold themselves accountable for their actions, I usually find truthfulness.

Of course I've lied, but I haven't in a while, and not to the new GF. This is one issue we are in complete agreement on.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So Perry you have NEVER told a lie?

Anyways yeah I lied. Yeah I could be busted. Yeah he'd be pissed- rightfully so. No, I'm not going to tell. Now did I do wrong? Yeah. Do I regret it? NO.

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And if this was done to you, would you add this to the list of reasons to quit the relationship?

I am asking for when people would call it quits.Lying is certainly a sound reason to call it quits and for some it is one (as defined). We all have different tolerance levels based on personal values.

If he did the EXACT same thing and I found out. I would be pissed. But I would later find out why he lied (which was not to cause drama) and that nothing happened and that if in the future he wants to go out with another lady friend he'd better tell the truth, she'd better be aware of his marital status and I in return will promise to trust and not knot my panties over a harmless little outting. If he lied again that's when shit REALLY hits the fan...

Basically he's allowed to screw up. Once, maybe twice, 3 times depending on about what. But to be lying continuously after a whole year. God hell no. That just means she's not learning, not trying and certainly isn't remorseful.

Screw-ups are when he adds incorrectly at the store, or runs up the light bill, or backs over the curb. Deceit is a character flaw and can rarely be fixed. This person is a loser.

Thank you all for your honest feedback. Guess I should look for a book on how to avoid or date misfits. Ha Ha.