want to rekindle the spark in my relationship, suggestions?

so my boyfriend and i have been dating for 4 years and the spark and excitement has died down a bunch. we've both gotten into certain habits in the way we interact with each other. i try being sexy sometimes, but it never seems to go the way i want it to. he doesn't really take it too seriously, most likely my own fault for not making my sexy side as upfront as i should have. we've gotten so used to each other that it feels like we are more best friends than lovers. i love him to death, and i know he loves me, but i need some good advice on how to jumpstart the intimacy department.

we are going to las vegas on May 19th for a few days and i want the trip to be a really good one. we went to aruba last summer, and we had a lot of fun, but i ended up feeling sick during the evenings (due to motion sickness issues) and i was never up to having sex. now that i look back on it, i was in a grumpy mood most of the time and i regret it so much.

any tips on (1) how i can spruce up our love life? and (2) (to the individuals who know las vegas) any suggestions on how to make the trip an absolute success? we are going to see 3 shows the 3 nights we are there, but i'm probably going to book the earlier times to leave the rest of the night open for whatever.

am definitely looking forward to your suggestions ;). thank you!

After six months or so into a steady relationship the dopamine, norepinephrine, seratonin typically drop to a lower level.. The "falling madly in love" stage cannot possibly be sustained forever. The brain chemistry forces long term relationships to morph towards "emotional attachment" stage instead of the "lust/infatuation/attraction" thrill ride of the beginning of everything new and promising relationship. So therefore you dilemma seems to be an unavoidable one. As with anything else in life, there are "oppurunity costs" and trade-offs that must be made. Such as "freedom vs commitment".. This is why many couples make the second-order decisions of commitment even though yes the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence. In fact the paradox is the grass is always greener no matter what.. Because of adaptation, enthusiasm about positive experiences doesn’t sustain itself. We become desenstized to any stimulus that is plentiful and invariable seek out the rare and infrequent. This is perhaps why people have a nature tendency to do the taboo. People seem generally unable to anticipate that this process of adaptation will take place.

Maybe you should sit down and talk to him.

4 years is a long time. You have probably tried all sexual stuff, so i don't think you need to do anything new.
Just be good company, have fun, enjoy, relax. The sex enthusiasm really doesn't get better for men....
It depends on how much he is in love with you also.

I think you should pass on the shows. Honestly, pick one go see it otherwise hang out with your guy.

As for the sex, are you playfull throughout the day? Will you give him the "come hither look"? Will you grab his ass and whisper just how much you want his hot naked body on you later tonight? Would you dress up in sexy lingerie for him? Would you role play? Buy handcuffs, and use them. Give him a lapdance. Give him a no strings attached blowjob.

what really worked for me is watching porn together and try making out with random girls in Vegas. guys really appreciate that.

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Originally Posted by medic_man [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe you should sit down and talk to him.

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Trust me. I try talking to him all the time. He avoids. There is always something he has to do and would rather "talk later" which doesn't happen. I told him on monday that I wanted to set some time aside on Friday for us to talk. That I have some things to get off my chest about the relationship and he should think about anything he might want to share because I'd be all ears. It took a lot of coaxing to get him to make a commitment to do it. But no surprise that we didn't. He went out with a friend right after work, didn't get back til close to ten, then went running and went out for a late night roller hockey game with other friends. No talking occurred whatsoever :o( ugh...

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Originally Posted by Kaius [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

4 years is a long time. You have probably tried all sexual stuff, so i don't think you need to do anything new.
Just be good company, have fun, enjoy, relax. The sex enthusiasm really doesn't get better for men....
It depends on how much he is in love with you also.

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Thanks, I def do need to relax. I overanalyze things a lot and I'm sure it stresses him out as much as me. He likes to avoid serious talks though and when I try having fun it always seems to backfire on me. Sometimes I think he sabotages moments. Not sure why. Maybe his feelings for me have changed. Now that will really hurt...

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you should pass on the shows. Honestly, pick one go see it otherwise hang out with your guy.

As for the sex, are you playfull throughout the day? Will you give him the "come hither look"? Will you grab his ass and whisper just how much you want his hot naked body on you later tonight? Would you dress up in sexy lingerie for him? Would you role play? Buy handcuffs, and use them. Give him a lapdance. Give him a no strings attached blowjob.

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I definitely want to try those things! I am really self conscious about certain things but I know that is half the problem. How can he think of me in a sexy way if I can't do it myself? I def have a lot of self assessment to do. Whenever I do try being sexy he laughs at me, I know, its bad. Sometimes he looks for excuses to not give in to my flirtations. I do want to open up to his fantasies but I think he is very limited in that department. He watches the same kinda porn regularly and hasn't had any real sexual experience on an intimate level before me. Its going to be hard if he doesn't want to cooperate.

As for the shows we both want to see le reve. I want to see crazyhorse Paris and he wanted to see Penn and teller. Maybe we can skip the other 2 but I'm afraid I'd regret not seeing a cabaret type show in Vegas and I think it would be unfair to go see a show I like and skimp out on his choice. Sacrifices suck lol....

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

what really worked for me is watching porn together and try making out with random girls in Vegas. guys really appreciate that.

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I'm def open to that, just don't know how to initiate it without it being weird? I brought up the idea of making our own video to watch and then delete. He seemed sorta intrigued but laughed it off. Any tips you could give on how to bring it up in a aexy way would be amazing :o)

For men, a simple blowjob works wonders. I would also suggest acting like a pornstar when you do screw. Maybe take a facial.




Paul Cho

correct.

i suggest spending long period of time apart. let him miss you and go dating afterwards to make uo for it.

I think you two are with out doubt incompatible.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you two are with out doubt incompatible.

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The idea has def crossed my mind a bunch of times but I really do love him and when we do have our moments they are really great. We already have our trip to Vegas booked as well as a trip to Poland at the end of the summer. I want to try to see if I can reignite the spark somehow. I know I'm not as outgoing as he'd like and its something I want to change about myself anyway. If we can share a common activity it might give us the opportunity to reconnect like we did in the beginning. If come September we are in the same place I think we will both be understanding of the inevitable. But I still want to be positive. People go through dry spots right? Its not an unheard of thing. We've been together for 4 years so I want to give it enough of a chance before I throw it away.

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Originally Posted by connie123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

correct.

i suggest spending long period of time apart. let him miss you and go dating afterwards to make uo for it.

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We've had times when we've been apart for awhile and its made us both want the other but it only lasts a little while. I need/want to do something thats more meaningful and has a lasting effect. I'm willing to try to do things differently, a lifestyle change so to speak that I can bring with me in any relationship, even if this one runs its course.

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Originally Posted by Paul Cho [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For men, a simple blowjob works wonders. I would also suggest acting like a pornstar when you do screw. Maybe take a facial.




Paul Cho

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I agree that I could def do better in the bj department and I'm actively trying to do it more often. I'm not too fond of the whole porn star thing though because I want him to be with me mentally when we have sex. I don't want him projecting some fake porn star image on me. I'm fine with participating in something he might want to try but as long as its something we do together for each other, not some act he saw on a porn and wants to imagine he's with some other broad screwing her brains out. I feel that kinda stuff is what creates disconnect in a relationship.

Good on you for trying but you must realize that there comes a time when love just isn't enough. This rang true with my ex and I after 5 years.

He laughs at your attempts to be sexy? That is downright terrible. Sex and being intimate are very vulnerable actions by nature. You are baring your fantasies, fetishes, and desires to the person you trust most in this world... And they laugh at you? Do you understand that this is creating deep emotional scarring in you? To the point where you are not comfortable opening up to him because you're afraid to be put down. Your man is supposed to love you and support you... NEVER laugh at your expense. EVER.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good on you for trying but you must realize that there comes a time when love just isn't enough. This rang true with my ex and I after 5 years.

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I hear ya. I'm completely open to that possibility. Nothing good comes out of denial. I'm going to try to be positive and if nothing changes, its time I move on...

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He laughs at your attempts to be sexy? That is downright terrible. Sex and being intimate are very vulnerable actions by nature. You are baring your fantasies, fetishes, and desires to the person you trust most in this world... And they laugh at you? Do you understand that this is creating deep emotional scarring in you? To the point where you are not comfortable opening up to him because you're afraid to be put down. Your man is supposed to love you and support you... NEVER laugh at your expense. EVER.

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Although my bf can be a jerkoff sometimes because he doesn't know how to suck up his pride, the whole laugh thing is more of an "I don't know what to do with myself" laugh rather than a "you are making a fool of yourself" laugh. We have both gotten so lazy in the sex department having been together so long, that I think he just doesn't know how to react. I need to open him up. He's always been pretty introverted and I want him to just let go a bit. We had sex last night and it was better than usual, but still not as connecting as I'd like it to be. Its like he's there and he sees me but he drifts off every once in awhile, not in like a bored way, but as if he's going off into his own little fantasy world imagining whatever he enjoys fantasizing about. I just want to get into that brain of his lol...

It sounds like although you both love each other, you may be incompatible in a relationship. I admire you for wanting to make such an effort but he needs to also make an effort without you asking him to. The other day there was a good comment in the paper: "Work out your needs in a relationship, discuss those needs, and be willing to walk away if someone won't meet those needs". It's hard for people to make comment on a forum sometimes, as we don't see the two of you together but I think the above comment is good - if your needs aren't being met (especially when you have told him what they are) then maybe you should reassess the relationship.

Have fun in Vegas!

I also think that sex loses its appeal with somebody if you don't feel that love connection while doing the deed. You should both naturally be looking into each others eyes lovingly during sex and this makes the sex 10 times better if you feel the connection. It's a good test to look into someone's eyes during sex to see if there is a connection! Obviously you can't do this the whole time, as it depends which position you are in!!

I love my guy but I think looking loving in his eyes is weird awkard and uncomfortable. And our sex is awesome. So I would disagree that gazing loving into someones eyes makes you connect.

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Originally Posted by EnjoyingLife [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It sounds like although you both love each other, you may be incompatible in a relationship. I admire you for wanting to make such an effort but he needs to also make an effort without you asking him to. The other day there was a good comment in the paper: "Work out your needs in a relationship, discuss those needs, and be willing to walk away if someone won't meet those needs". It's hard for people to make comment on a forum sometimes, as we don't see the two of you together but I think the above comment is good - if your needs aren't being met (especially when you have told him what they are) then maybe you should reassess the relationship.

Have fun in Vegas!

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Great comment! I'm going to keep this in mind as I try to work things out. I tried talking to him about these types of things before and he would acknowledge it but not really show any improvement. We've both gained some weight, and are both trying to lose weight. He's doing a lot better than me, but he's also spending A LOT of time out riding his bike on rough trails with some biker friends. I think he's starting to feel a bit better about himself physically and I've noticed a difference in his affections towards me...in a good way. Last night he was out late exercising and doing errands for his parents and I was already getting ready for bed when he got home. He was really considerate and offered to give me a massage and spend some time with me in bed even though he had other things to do. In the past he wouldn't have showed as much interest. I hope it's that my attempts to spice things up and his growing self-esteem is what's triggering it. It felt really nice. As for looking into his eyes during sex and vice versa...I tried doing this the other night and I felt a bit of a connection, but only for a short time. Either we'd change positions ;o) or he'd look away. I think it's just an awkwardness since it's not something that either of us have put much effort into doing in awhile and it might take some time to open up to it. I've talked to him about it a little and it seems like he's actually trying. It's a nice change for sure...

As for Vegas, I can't wait! Bought our le reve tickets yesterday, on sale too!, and have heard wonderful things about the show. Hopefully nothing goes wrong on this trip and we can truly appreciate the time away from all the stress back home and just kick back and relax with each other. It will be the first time in awhile...

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I love my guy but I think looking loving in his eyes is weird awkard and uncomfortable. And our sex is awesome. So I would disagree that gazing loving into someones eyes makes you connect.

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Sometimes you're in the mood to just have sex and make each other feel good, not necessarily make that extremely deep connection. In the past I have avoided that deep feeling for some reason, I don't know why. Maybe because I felt weird about it and didn't want to be too vulnerable to the person I was with (even though I'm as vulnerable as I can be when having sex with someone haha). I do remember one time I was having sex with my ex boyfriend and we had a connection like that. I ended up crying. It was the weirdest feeling ever. I've never really had a happy cry before, it totally took me by surprise. It was embarrassing too because he didn't know if he was doing something wrong or not and I had to explain myself to him while we were in the act haha. But it definitely was a nice moment when I look back on it and the feeling I got will never be forgotten. Maybe you should try it, but only if you are willing to let yourself go like that. It's not easy ;o)

Sweetie you've got me all wrong... I don't want to look him in the eye, because as with most good things I consume like food, great music and penis I consume it best with my eyes shut. I completely block out all things visual and enjoy the feeling I experience. 80% of my hot sex consists of closed eyes, and when they are open I'm enjoying watching his ass pump me hard, and that awesome chiseled chest on top. Screw gazing into his eyes, I do that when I tell him I love him and I mean it.

Anyways my point is that connecting through sex can happen in many different ways and looking in the eye just isn't mine. As with your bf who seems like he also finds it a bit uncomfortable. I am most vunerable and close to my bf when I perform my fantasies, and his. I show a side of me no one else has seen, I am scared what he looks at, how he sees me and how he might react. That to me, is vunerability.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sweetie you've got me all wrong...80% of my hot sex consists of closed eyes, and when they are open I'm enjoying watching his ass pump me hard, and that awesome chiseled chest on top. Screw gazing into his eyes, I do that when I tell him I love him and I mean it.... I am most vunerable and close to my bf when I perform my fantasies, and his. I show a side of me no one else has seen, I am scared what he looks at, how he sees me and how he might react. That to me, is vunerability.

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Just reading that gave me tingles...damn girl! I envy your confidence. I wish my bf and I had that kinda energy. We have our moments but I think I'm too self conscious to let myself go wild and I don't know how he'd take it if I surprised him. I dont even think he has it in himself to let go like that yet. He'd probably think I'm going crazy or it isn't real. Its hard to get out of a habit and even harder to convince your significant other that you have changed. We have a lot of work ahead of us if we want things to work out. I hope they do and my efforts weren't for nothing.

Your efforts will only work if he wants to put effort in too! You can give him the world but if he doesn't care, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure if we've covered this but have you asked him what he really enjoys in bed? Does he care what YOU enjoy in bed? Does he make you feel sexy (even when you're not being intimate?).

And after 4 years how come you STILL don't feel comfortable getting naked and being adored and letting it all hang out? I know that when I've had just a little bit to drink I'm just a little more wild... so perhaps you could have a cocktail with a movie... and get freaky during the movie?

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your efforts will only work if he wants to put effort in too! You can give him the world but if he doesn't care, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure if we've covered this but have you asked him what he really enjoys in bed? Does he care what YOU enjoy in bed? Does he make you feel sexy (even when you're not being intimate?).

And after 4 years how come you STILL don't feel comfortable getting naked and being adored and letting it all hang out? I know that when I've had just a little bit to drink I'm just a little more wild... so perhaps you could have a cocktail with a movie... and get freaky during the movie?

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He's been good lately in complimenting me and he does try to do things in bed that he knows turn me on. We haven't necessarily sat down and had a one on one chat about what we want in bed, but I'm sure he'd be open to it so ill try that.

I feel comfortable letting it all hang out, as does he. Its one thing to be be comfortable enough with someone to let it all out, but after being together for so long the excitement dies down a lot and neither of us made a real effort to keep it balanced. Now we are trying to make up for it.

Its like dirty dishes. If you clean it up after you use it, its quick and easy and the dishes stay in good shape. If you let them sit there dirty for a long time they become more difficult to clean and stained. We let things slide for too long and now were trying to make up for it. I've noticed him actively trying to be more supportive and intimate which has felt great. I just hope I can give him what he needs in return so it lasts. He's finally helping with the dishes for once lol...

Drinking helps me too although I tend to get silly sometimes. I'm a real lightweight haha

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Originally Posted by EnjoyingLife [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"Work out your needs in a relationship, discuss those needs, and be willing to walk away if someone won't meet those needs".

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a little bit simplified, this sounds too much like a bank loan or car financing arrangement

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Originally Posted by RdHrshyKss [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you let them sit there dirty for a long time they become more difficult to clean and stained.

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listen sweetie, sounds to me like you're using the wrong kind of detergent here!

Metaphor...

Meta- (from Greek: μετά = "after", "beyond", "with", "adjacent", "self"), is a prefix used in English (and other Greek-owing languages) to indicate a concept which is an abstraction from another concept, used to complete or add to the latter.

meta for maybe the idea isn't to focus on the dirty dishes and the fact that they are durty, but rather to think about the cleaning process more...

don't just aim to "get the dishes done" and "put away"

try to figure out the best way to get them clean...

good lukc in vega$$$$$! win some moo-lah for meeeeee :)

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Originally Posted by klonk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

meta for maybe the idea isn't to focus on the dirty dishes and the fact that they are durty, but rather to think about the cleaning process more...

don't just aim to "get the dishes done" and "put away"

try to figure out the best way to get them clean...

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thanks for the input, i'll definitely try to concentrate on that aspect more, as should you...

just to be fair to all the kind souls who have been keeping up with this thread and have been extremely helpful, klonk is my boyfriend. i told him i was using this forum to get some advice, and he kept asking me to show him what i was typing, so i sent him the link to the thread.