30 Days No Contact

Officially, the 30 days no contact started yesterday after he dumped me for the first time (and after many cycles of previous failed attempts to make a clean break). I took action immediately and began reading non-stop about what to do. I wanted to stop "the cycle" (of breaking up - reconnecting to only not have the issues truly resolved) and I wanted to move on from our situation.

So, I discovered the "no contact rule" which is a period of time (most cite 30 days) to stay away from the other person so both of you can have time to mentally and emotionally dump what's happened.

I need this thread so I can write about my progress, for myself, and maybe encourage other people along the way.

Overall, the 30 Days No Contact is about personal improvement; accepting things the way they are, improving yourself and making some changes in your own life.

DAY ONE
-----------

Today's Mood: I can live without him but it's hard to see past him.
Today's Quote: The best revenge is a good life.

Day one was a nightmare. I cried for hours and could not shake the heaviness in my chest. But I learned all is not lost. My first steps were to block every way he had to contact me and to delete all his contact information so I could not talk to him in the heat of emotional ups and downs.

I miss him dearly and felt as though I lost my right arm. I considered him a best friend in my life.

But somewhere along the way, due to catering to him, I lost myself along the way. I know if I don't go through this then I will not resolve the things about myself that "friendzoned" me in the first place.

Posting here helps me greatly and also helps me avoid telling these things to him. I am really glad to have found LF.

He's already called me once but I ignored it. I will be changing my number sometime this week.

This also (finally) sends a clear message to him that I will not accept things the way they were. I mentally wrote a couple of "conditions" (basically things that must be changed if him and I were to move forward with anything) that he would have to meet (on his own free will and without my motivation) in order for us to start seeing each other again. The chances may be slim but at least I know in my head that I will not accept him back just because he begs.

I really miss my best friend. :( But something tells me I can turn lemons into lemonade. No, not necessary saying that I could get him back in certain ways but I know when I come out of this I will be a much stronger person for it which will better me for the next person who might come into my life.

No Contact is indefinite. You start to screw it up the moment you give it a deadline. It'll take however long it needs to. Get rid of the 30 days. That's just an excuse for you to get back in touch to see if you can work things out. You said you want to move on, so do it.

I understand but I can't handle "indefinite" right now. Just for myself, I need to know that things can move on and what I am going through won't be indefinite. Setting a time limit somehow seems to help me. Of course I can always reassess things after 30 days.

DAY TWO
-----------

Today's Mood: Oh yeah, this is me.
Today's Quote: "I don't like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone." ~ Delta Burke

So far, no contact. I have cried a few times today but the heaviness on my chest is not as bad as the past few days. Listening to music I love helps (but avoiding all the love or broken up songs). Praying to God that he will give me strength and change helps as well. Keeping busy with whatever I can helps, too.

Something weird happened, though.

I do have a sliver of hope that he will come back and do the right thing. Part of me wants this. Part of me knows it might never happen. Then another part of me whispered from a dusty dark corner "Maybe you don't want him to come back". This alarmed me a little. Today is the first day I have felt slightly "myself" in a long time. I missed myself. Right now, I am not sure if his presence in my life was ever really good for me in the first place (while we became each other's security blankets). Only time can answer that.

Focus on that feeling of missing yourself. One thing I've found toward the end of each relationship is that I had lost pieces of myself along the way. I sacrificed so much during those relationships, and I hadn't realized it till the very end. It feels very much like a breathe of fresh air, doesn't it?

Sylvia Plath described it as feeling as if one were trapped underneath a bell jar. The air is stifling and stagnant beneath it, and that is where she was stuck for a long time. However, she resorted to electoshock therapy to "fix" her. I think you have the mental capacity to not need such a procedure :)

"The bell jar hung, suspended, a few feet above my head. I was open to the circulating air."
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 18

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Focus on that feeling of missing yourself. ... It feels very much like a breathe of fresh air, doesn't it?

---

Good deal and yes. I guess I did not realize it much when my focus was on him. I'm starting to wonder if he did me a favor! lol. (we were almost inseparable for the past year)

Being inseparable never sounded very romantic to me. It sounds like co-dependence. It sounds like "I don't feel like a whole person when I'm away from you". That isn't healthy.

My boyfriend just got back from 4 months studying in Mexico. He is currently looking for work and has very little money to work with. I am dying to see him more, but am trying to be patient because I know that he needs to get himself together. So, I am rediscovering how to have a healthy balance of love life, friends, work, and me time. I would love nothing more than to spend a week just lazing around with him, but that isn't possible. We live about 20-30 minutes apart right now and San Diego county is huge. Makes driving back and forth difficult. We have to structure our time a lot more now.

You never see it when it's happening. You become so blinded by the feeling you get from that person that it becomes a drug to you. You want nothing but that feeling. You sacrifice a lot for it. Before you know it, it's all you have going for you. Self-respect, confidence, pride... They all whither away to nothing. This is why it is important to maintain a healthy sense of self in relationships. A very difficult balance to find, but not impossible.

DAY Four
-----------

Today's Mood: Bah
Today's Quote: If you love something, set it free. If it was yours, it will come back. If it doesn't, it never was.

I figured there was no need to update daily if nothing has changed.

I did speak with him briefly on the phone the other day. Less than 5 minutes I would say. He is not doing so well and seems very down. Me, I am going through hell but I did not let on that I was. Instead, I told him that he was right in breaking things off and that I was keeping busy and focused in my work. He talked as though he was in a stage of regret. But I still did not let on how much I missed him or was sad.

He called again the day after that but I did not answer. I know it is important to not be so available to him.

I do know if anything real is going to happen between us it has to be his decision, not mine. I can't influence via guilt or any other method. He needs time to figure out if I even fit into his life long term. And I have to keep pressing onward and assume he doesn't for the sake of myself.

So, I've been going out, making friends and keeping myself busy with work. Eventually, I can move on but right now I just have to fake it until I make it. I don't want to date or see anyone else right now. I just want to be happy within my own life the way things are right now. This is good enough for me and I want to be happy in it.

Some background about me: I am divorced. So is he. There are issues but we have been through a lot in our lives. Losing love is nothing new but my abilities to lose something that may not be good for me have improved. I figure that true love always finds a way. Whether this would be true love or not is something out of my control. I finally had to give up that I have any control in this situation and that whatever happens has to be his decision.

Losing love has never been *this* hard on me before and I have loved/lost plenty in my life. This is why I came to LF.

He isn't a bad man. I definitely had much worse in the past. He does have problems right now and issues he needs to straighten out (he is working on them) that was the main causes of our downfall.

I am feeling more and more like myself on a daily basis. It is like a breath of fresh air. Right now, it is all up in the air if I really do want him back or not. Or even if I am better off without him or not. I will let time answer that and not jump to hasty conclusions. I am trying to focus less on the him+me and more on the me that has been neglected for so long.

I do miss him so much. :( But I feel strong enough to keep marching on......and so I will.

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No contact means no contact.

I'm going through the same thing with whom I thought was the love of my life and its hard, but its hurts MORE when you give in and talk.

We've each had a moment of weakness where we called eachother, but since then have tried not to talk. Though to be honest, I think we may never get back together. She wanted a break. I wanted a REAL break so I told her I was breaking up with her.


We were inseparable as well. But I'm now realizing we were actually co-dependent more than in love. Instead of being the two individuals who fell in love, we had merged into almost a single entity, you know, finishing eachothers sentences and reading eachothers minds. BUT there was no independence, and the result was her rebelling (probably subconsciously) and sabotaging the relationship to get her independence back.

I've made my own sort of plan. I haven't informed her of it yet. In a year if we're both still single and she's dealt with her issues we can try again, from scratch. Otherwise, as much as it hurts to say, we are done. I think we have to be done. She went back to her ex after me and I'm sure the cycle of hurt will just continue if I give in.

Realize that we were engaged to be married and put a down payment on a house a week before we split. Sometimes you need to let go no matter how much you think you love someone. be strong.

This reminds me of me about a year ago. I went through a breakup and did my best to stay strong and keep myself away---2 months later he came back and said he wanted to be with me. Almost a year later we are doing better than ever. Sometimes a break can be good in a relationship--- many times people don't end up getting back together because they get desperate, inpatient, or angry and end up scaring the other person further away.

Thank you for the posts, you guys.

DAY SIX
-----------

Today's Mood: Inspired
Today's Quote: "Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." ~ Johann von Goethe

It is day six and I have utterly failed at "no contact". It wasn't all me. He did his part too. But instead I have a new focus and have renamed this from "30 Days No Contact" to "30 Days Self Improvement".

I set off with a certain intention in mind but now I am heading on a more complete and defined purpose: to rebuild, refocus and reenergize. I do not know what will happen between me and this man but over the past week that has become unimportant to me. We were inseparable before but now my focus is 100% on myself.

Me and my ex now share very minimal contact (which is complete opposite from how it has been the past year). Although I failed at "no contact", I did not fail at what I set to do for myself. I am still focused on that and unfocused on him. That was the main goal and what needed to happen.

I wrote a list of the things I did wrong in the past year when it comes to him. Whenever I am tempted to contact him or cater to his needs, I simply read the list. It is enough to put me back on track. I had to give up control of the situation. If I am to get out of the friendzone, that will have to be his choice and his initiation, not mine.

Something cool happened yesterday: I was asked out on a date by another friend. :D I was very flattered but declined. I am not ready to date yet for many reasons. I have to take this time to get my life back in order where I want it to be.

Please don't knock me for failing on the "no contact" part. I did it because I needed to focus less on him and more of myself which I am still doing.

I no longer cry at night and wonder the "whys" of our downfall. I now see it as something that needed to happen. I am actually happier the past couple of days than I have been in awhile.

I'm worried that you'll just keep going in circles, bah. It takes a lot to keep in touch and not have expectations especially when you have known this guy for awhile and still have feelings for him. I really hope you find a way to get through this but the fact you're failing at no contact, i just think it's going to be a lot harder. I hope i'm wrong though.

Thank you for the concern. I have had a year of going in circles. This is the first time I broke loose to concentrate on myself. I can't treat him like he was the worst thing in my life; he wasn't and he was my best friend. I can, however, keep focusing solely on myself. I don't know the answers but I will no longer pretend to have them. This is the first time I have stopped caring about any type of relationship with him. I won't overanalyze it any further, though. Before, the circle continued because I keep in constant contact with him, kept worrying too much about his well being, kept up the hope that something more would happen between us, kept trying to please him all the time, etc. None of that is going on now.

The only times I've ever been forced to really finally let go and get over an ex is when there has been absolutely zero contact. The first time I went through it, I was a mess. I was 15. So young. My ex and I were together for only 3 months, but I was so in love with him. We broke up because his best friend (a girl) couldn't stand the thought of him doting on any girl besides her. He respected her wishes and broke up with me. I spent nearly 6 months alone. An entire summer, over-analyzing and over thinking everything.

Toward the end of the summer I had a very strange dream about him. Very symbolic. I woke up and the first thing I thought was, "I can't do this to myself anymore." That was when I began to get in touch with friends again. I started going out and living my life. I no longer longed for him to come back to me to fix everything. It was a long, hard road, but a lesson well learned.

the only way to ensure yourself of getting over someone is to delete their number and not bother with them anymore.

raverboy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Illusional [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

the only way to ensure yourself of getting over someone is to delete their number and not bother with them anymore.

raverboy

---

I agree^. This journal-thing will only prolong your pain b/c you are focussing on it every day and having intermittent contact. Psychologists call this "partial reinforcement" and know that a behaviour that is partially reinforced is MUCH harder to extinguish.

Plus, the whole '30-day' thing reads like a bad pop-psych book.

Just cut contact cold turkey. Skip the whole timeline thing. Decide its over and just leave it at that.

EDIT--------------

Ok I just reread the original post. This is a failed relationship that is stuck in a downward spiral because one or both of you don't have the courage to move on. You don't need a 30 day break, you need to break up and never speak again. In a year, or two years, you might be able to reconnect as friends. If any romantic feelings pop up then you need to break off contact indefinitely. Some people can stay friends, most can't.

Whenever a couple breaks up, gets together, breaks up, they're not doing so to 'fix things' they're doing it because they don't want to be with the person but then get a taste of the single life and get scared back into the relationship. Leave and don't look back, move forward and up.


---It's funny how differently I feel since actually doing the NC thing. It really works, I miss her terribly but I feel better overall, every day. And every day it keeps on getting better. Eventually I'll get back to my old self, the guy everyone wanted to be with. Not the guy holding the purse for the crazy broad.

I'll take you by the hand and show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your ex lover back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... look my profile

have you thought about talking to a relationship coach? best wishes!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bah [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Officially, the 30 days no contact started yesterday . .

So, I discovered the "no contact rule" which is a period of time (most cite 30 days) to stay away from the other person so both of you can have time to mentally and emotionally dump what's happened.

I need this thread so I can write about my progress, for myself, and maybe encourage other people along the way.

Overall, the 30 Days No Contact is about personal improvement; accepting things the way they are, improving yourself and making some changes in your own life.

---

The title grabbed my attention. I separated from my wife on May 1st (she moved out). We officially 'broke up' last Sunday. I suggested we give a span of time to have zero contact (including texting, email, facebook, etc.). I thought 6 weeks would be good; she said a month should do it. So, I am totally on board with your theory: give it time to heal over, make some personal growth before being faced with your partner (ex-partner).

I have not read your whole thread yet, but I will check your progress. I have been writing in a journal, reading a book called "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart" by Susan Piver. It has been just the thing to keep my spirits up, and to help me look at the pain rather than running away from it, or trying to just cover it up.

Good luck to you on your journey of recovering who you really are!;)

You have given me good advices on my BF issue during the cool off period. But all I can think of now to tell you is...backing off is a step forward. I am STILL learning to understand this phrase. I got this dharma word from temple during our cool-off period with my BF [you already read my post].

You remembered how much I miss him day and nite and we set a period of 10 days. I miss him and love him, the burden on my chest was very heavy but I kept holding myself never ever txt or call him. One day at work....I saw him ONLINE on GTALk..oh my GOD...do you know how tempting to me to type Hi to him? But I made it, I did not and he went offline...probably coz he saw me online. Every nite, when I have the urge to talk to him or think of him I wrote wishes and put them in a bottle. Maybe you will think I am dumb or so fairy tale....but hey...I wanna get my words out...but not break the no contact rule on him.

He texted me on the 6th day and requesting to see me the next day. He did not make it to 10th day. Maybe that is what the dharma word from temple meant??? Well of course something BAD happened during this "backoff / cool off period". He kissed his coworker!!!!!!!!:mad: