Dysfunctional relationship. Ex fwb hates me because I slept with another guy. Advice?

I've been with my fwbs "C" for about 5 mo. We became really good friends too. Immediately he was smitten, but at the time it was unrequited. He treated me like gold, was incredibly affectionate, and even said "I love you" a few times which I never reciprocated until recently.

He asked me to be his girlfriend several times and I declined because I wasn't ready emotionally or mentally. He was my first everything. I've never had a boyfriend so I needed time. I'm the kind of person who needs to build up trust and feelings. He didn't understand that. It seems like he wanted to go out on his time, not wait until I was ready.

After a few months, I realized that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I was finally ready! I chose him over other offers. I was vulnerable and put myself out there for the first time only to have him tell me "I waited so long, I'm over it already. I don't want a girlfriend anymore. I don't want to be with you." It was a stab in the heart. I cried for days. He waited four months! If a guy loved a girl the way he claimed, he'd wait as long as it took to be with her.

Since he didn't want a girlfriend, he didn't get one - I had sex with another guy, my friend "N". One week later, "C" asked me if I'd been with anyone else. I told him the truth. Now, he doesn't want anything to do with me. He cut me out of his life, and doesn't want to be with me even though I cried and groveled for forgiveness although I technically wasn't in the wrong. He's acting like I cheated on him. He wanted me to be faithful? That would've made me his girlfriend!

I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I made a mistake and am willing to do anything to fix this, but he won't give me a second chance. He said he doesn't hate me, but doesn't love me anymore. I respect that he needs space, but we started out as friends, I don't see why we can't finish the same way. He can't even appreciate my decency to be 100% honest. It would kill me to not have him in my life at all. I'll settle for anything. What should I do to get him back in my life as friend at the very least?


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Actually, I now have no desire to ever be with him. What he did last night was deeply ****ed up - I was hanging out with a few of his friends and one of my girlfriends, ready to go to a house party. The ex fwb shows up, so we don't go. I found out from his close friend that my ex showed him a text from me saying "You just farewell ****ed me with no intentions of speaking to me again after I groveled for forgiveness?" and he was laughing about it, mocking me even though I was miserable and crying. I would have done anything to be at least friends up until I found that out. Now, he doesn't mean anything to me. It was hurtful, but now I realize that there was never any love involved in that relationship for him to do something so low and heartless.

You love the drama, don't you?

I think the first thing that kind of stood out to me was your statement: "If a guy loved a girl like he claimed, he'd wait as long as it took for her to be with him." I don't think this is a very fair assessment of him, or love for that matter, at all. You ultimately have to look after yourself and put yourself first when it comes to love and relationships, and the fact that he didn't feel like waiting forever just shows that he did have himself first. Life is too short to be waiting around, and no matter how much you love somebody and how much you wait, it doesn't even guarentee that if she finally comes around and wants to date you, that it will ultimately work out in the end anyway. Love doesn't conquer all, even if we'd like to believe that.

However, it also seems to me that he wanted something he couldn't have. Finally when you wan t to give him a chance, he throws it back in your face. Maybe to soothe is bruised ego? I don't know. The fact that he was pressing so hard was kind of a concern to me, because it seems like he NEEDS you, and when they are in that situation where they NEED you, it never ends very well. Anyway, it's pretty obvious that he still cared even when you were ready to give a shot and he was throwing it back at you, and when he found that out, he took all his resentment he had harbored out on you. Maybe a game he was playing to make himself feel better? Possibly. But his way of handling it was unacceptable. That to me is a very immature and irresponsible way to handle your own issues. It hurts, yes, but he could have let it out in a more healthy way. I'm sure he thinks he is the victim, even though he was totally responsible to walk away from this when he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted out of it but didn't.

And no offense to you, but rarely do people all the sudden change their mind and want to be with somebody after not wanting to be with somebody for so long. Not that it never happens, but it's not often. But it also demonstrates the importance of taking things slow, because I think had you not have taken it slow with this guy, you would have dived in head first and probably got burned. His treatment of you now shows a side of him that you would have probably have experienced first hand when you built a strong attachment to him. That would have been much more excruciatingly painful.

Just a suggestion: maybe you should be on your own for a while and find your own happiness before you start dating again? If you have trust issues, you aren't going to give most guys a fair chance. So wait until you are ready to, but at the same time play it smart and pay attention to their actions and what they say (if they match up). Nobody wants to be alone and loneliness sucks, but as I said before, don't put yourself in a position where you NEED somebody to validate your self worth. You should be happy on your own and WANT to be with somebody to further enhance your life.

You have absolutely NO idea what love is.....clearly. First, you've never had a gf, yet you've been sleeping with this guy. You couldn't tell him you loved him, but you gave him all the "benefits" Honestly, I wouldn't wait 4 months for a chick like yourself either. You're saying one thing and doing another. If he went and slept with some other chick YOU would be just as upset as him because nither of you are mentally or emotionally equipped for a real relationship. your first relationship was a FWB setup. That's gonna take a lot of work for you to fix. It's gonna effect all of your future relationships. Yore not even experiencing a proper heartbreak here. You need to slow it down and take the sex out of the equation. Sex isn't always the answer to your woes.

If you really wanted to be with him why did you go ahead and sleep with someone else? That I don't really understand.
You can't really blame him for reacting like that, unrequited love doesn't feel very good you know.

Have you really talked to him about how you feel and why you behaved the way you did? It can really make a big difference if you make him see things from your perspective.
Don't just assume he should know how you feel because he doesn't, if you're really sincere he might change his mind (just don't count on it).

One more example of why FWB doesn't work.

Why do people keep doing this to themselves?

He sounds like a little bitchy. But you made him that way. You sound like you have no idea what you're doing romance wise. You probably hurt this guy really badly, which is why he's acting like a bitch. I think the real problem is not that you slept with someone else, but that you strung him along forever, sleeping with him, knowing he was in love with you. If a guy did that to me and then started have sex with other chicks I'd start acting like a big bitch too.

FWB is a load of crap in my opinion. If you don't want things to get messy and complicated with your friends, don't sleep with them.

What is FWB?

Friends With Benefits. Basically, two "friends" who have sex without the complications of having a relationship. It generally leads to someone getting crushed and heartbroken.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Friends With Benefits. Basically, two "friends" who have sex without the complications of having a relationship. It generally leads to someone getting crushed and heartbroken.

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Only to discover that sex actually complicates things just as much as a relationship might.

How come you can flame but everyone gets pissed at me when I do it? ;) :P

Actually, I now have no desire to ever be with him. What he did last night was deeply ****ed up - I was hanging out with a few of his friends and one of my girlfriends, ready to go to a house party. The ex fwb shows up, so we don't go. I found out from his close friend that my ex showed him a text from me saying "You just farewell ****ed me with no intentions of speaking to me again after I groveled for forgiveness?" and he was laughing about it, mocking me even though I was miserable and crying. I would have done anything to be at least friends up until I found that out. Now, he doesn't mean anything to me. It was hurtful, but now I realize that there was never any love involved in that relationship for him to do something so low and heartless.

Its something like the pot calling the kettle black. He is an FWB and he starts liking you. When you delayed the relationship because you wanted to be ready. In his mind you're basically saying "let me say 'goodbye' to my other FWBs first". In short, you grew cheaper by the minute, within four months, you've got no value anymore to him.

He's an FWB, of course he'll think there are FWBs like him too. That is why he needed to mark his territory immediately for you to stop having other FWBs.

Not to mention I think she only wanted to give things a shot AFTER he stopped pursuing her, means that maybe she was doing this out of fear of losing him? But yeah, it's too painful to "try and be friends" and his behavior confirmed it. This is rock bottom for you both, time to rise back up on your own. Let the healing begin.

So you're full of junk. You need to wait for emotions blah blah blah BAM screwed another guy. He called you on it too, I don't blame him. Tough luck maybe next time.

Actually, she screwed the other guy AFTER that dude was like *no no thanks I'm over you*. And they weren't dating, so how can he call her on anything? He was asking out of his own interest, not discovering evidence or proving she was sneaking or lying.

Ok, so here's my penny's worth. It wasn't a good idea to stay FWB with him after him confessing those feelings and stuff. That breaks up what I thought was the major rule of FWB-i.e. not being a relationship, and not having relationship-type feelings except from lust.

Maybe it's just a guy's way of dealing with not having who they want. Maybe it was this particular guy's way of dealing with it. Just flip a V bird in the air in tribute of him and move on.

p.s. Never grovel or beg a guy for forgiveness. It is a sign of weakness. Especially if it wasn't your fault!!!! And DEFINITELY DON'T text guys any words of grovelling-ness.

It's life. Be easy on yourselves. The girl said no, and the guy's drive went down. It's normal. He still is a human, so even if he was disapointed enough to refuse the girl's comeback, he felt attachment, had expectations. So when he learned she had been with someone else, his emotion attachment (even though he went against it himself) responded. We have these reflex behaviors, because we are human.

GUILT!!! Of course she felt guilty. Guilt does not require you to have done something wrong. Guilt is a response when someone suggests you are not good enough. If you did something wrong and never learn about it, you feel no guilt. If you don't do anything wrong, and someone suggests you did, the guilt comes up. Guilt is not the result of doing something wrong, but simply that someone puts your credibility or value in doubt.

If it hurts, go alone, take deep breaths, and look at your pain. It's the only way out. By observing what goes on inside you, the pain will settle. It will come back in another experience if you did not resolve the real conflict inside.