He didn't tell me he was still in love with his ex, she is back and I got dumped

I met him through mutual friends. I was there one day briefly and he told them I was "smokin hot" and asked for my #. He called me a couple of days later and asked me to dinner. We talked on the phone like we had known each other forever and the date was awesome. We really connected, and I know he felt the same way. We were both overwhelmed with physical attraction and had sex early in the relationship, and a lot of it. It was mind blowing sex. We couldn't get enough of each other. The connection was intense, deep, and strong. Then I started to feel him drifting away. I convinced myself I was being paranoid and I just hadn't seen him much because his brother was in town, but deep down I knew something was up. He finally confessed that his ex had called and wanted to get back together and that he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try to make it work with her. I was devastated (although not 'in love' yet, i felt it could be love if we had more time). I usually never pursue anyone. My theory is that I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me, but for some reason, I can't live with myself if I don't try to get him back. But i am a very passionate person and I did not take the news well. I was hurt and I wanted him to hurt too so I did and said awful awful things. I was drunk and don't remember most of it, but text messages were a painful proof. I text to apologize, told him thats not who i am, and he would never hear from me again. But I just can't seem to let this go. So i text once more and said " i feel sick about the things i said and want to talk to you once more to apologize/explain, I need to know I did the right thing. Please give me this'. that was just a minute ago and i know he goes to bed early. I fear he will never respond or even hear me out. I think if i can get him to meet me, the physical tension will overwhelm him and I may have a chance of sneaking back in. But he says he's in love with her and she is delusional and a hypocrit, my exact opposite, but he swears she a good person, but thats a whole different story. Do I even have a chance after my bad behavior? what should my plan of action be? why can I not let this one go? help?

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We were both overwhelmed with physical attraction and had sex early in the relationship, and a lot of it. It was mind blowing sex. We couldn't get enough of each other. The connection was intense, deep, and strong.

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the physical tension will overwhelm him and I may have a chance of sneaking back in

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You're attracted to the sex. Not to him. You'd end up stealing him from another woman. Move on.

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she is delusional and a hypocrit, my exact opposite

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Well, you're a tad delusional if you think that sex is supposed to endear you to a man.

Let it go. This guy never planned on getting serious with you to begin with and you were a fool to think that sleeping with him would make that possible.

Why do women think that hopping into bed with a man seals the deal? It doesn't. Obviously whatever mind-blowing sex you had with him pales in comparison to how he feels about this other girl. You may have felt sparks, but that doesn't mean he did.

You can't let this go because in your eyes, this girl is better than you. She has something you don't, his affections. You're wondering, "What makes her so much better than I am?" It's not about who is better; it's about what he wants, and that isn't you. It never was you. He was most likely attempting to get over this girl by rebounding with you anyway. It sucks that he wasn't upfront, but it shows he was only after one thing.

Next time, hold off on the sex. If he's truly into you, he'll stick around because he likes you, not just what you have to offer.

if they were broken up, didn't she steal him from me? and you may be right, but how will i know for sure

No, she didn't because you were never his girlfriend

thanks for calling me a fool, esp when i am so emotionally vulnerable, but I did not think that sex would seal the deal, nor did i want the deal sealed at that point. neither of us had any idea what we were in for.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if they were broken up, didn't she steal him from me? and you may be right, but how will i know for sure

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Know what for sure? That he's not supposed to be with you? He's not supposed to be because he doesn't want to be. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have said, "I want you to be my girlfriend." He never said that, and from what it sounds like he wasn't going to. You gave him a steady diet of hot, sweaty sex, which is all he wanted so that he could pass the time before his ex showed up again.

Are you really considering trying to persuade him to take you back? 'Cause that looks terribly unattractive. That clingy, neediness.

yes, i was. i had met his family. i was introduced as his girlfriend. so?

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

thanks for calling me a fool, esp when i am so emotionally vulnerable, but I did not think that sex would seal the deal, nor did i want the deal sealed at that point. neither of us had any idea what we were in for.

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I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing. He was attracted to you and wanted sex. You gave it up pretty easily, so of course he stuck around for a while. But that kind of physical attraction means nothing when you really love someone. Obviously he cares about this other girl more than he cared about sex with you.

No one called you a fool. You just felt like one.

Yes, the sex may not seal the deal, but you were hoping to use that so that he'll come back to you. That is still wrong.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

yes, i was. i had met his family. i was introduced as his girlfriend. so?

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Well, then he really did use you. Perhaps he didn't expect his girlfriend to come back. However, and this is something young people need to learn, everyone rebounds. Everyone needs to get it out of their system. If he found you so quickly after his ex, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. Most people need that buffer relationship before they get back to dating seriously. That's what you were. The adrenaline and the endorphin rush makes it feel so real, and for you it was. For him, it was most likely a way to block out the sad memories of him and his ex breaking up. That is why he was so quick to be with her. He's not over her. And any attempt you make at trying to convince him to be with you will just look sad and very unattractive.

i guess i just needed someone to talk me out of it. I never want to look clingy or needy nor do i ever try to get someone back. I wasn't planning on begging. I just wanted to apologize for being an idiot, so he doesn't hate me and who knows. i just didn't want him to hate me but im afraid it may be too late

believe me, if I had any idea that he had just ended a relationship so recently I would have never agreed to go out with him. he said he didn't feel it was need to know info right at first, i told him it was vital need to know. if i would have known. i wouldn't be sitting up at 4 in the morning talking to strangers about this.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

yes, i was. i had met his family. i was introduced as his girlfriend. so?

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He may have introduced you as his girlfriend. Did you ever consider him as a boyfriend? I don't think so, your OP never mentioned him being a boyfriend.

He considered you as a girlfriend but you never considered him your boyfriend. But now since you're hurting a lot, you're using what he said to justify what you're feeling.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i guess i just needed someone to talk me out of it. I never want to look clingy or needy nor do i ever try to get someone back. I wasn't planning on begging. I just wanted to apologize for being an idiot, so he doesn't hate me and who knows. i just didn't want him to hate me but im afraid it may be too late

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You've already apologized. He clearly doesn't care about your apology because he doesn't plan on maintaining contact with you. I'm sorry it sucks, but it's better that he's not dragging out and trying to be your "friend".

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believe me, if I had any idea that he had just ended a relationship so recently I would have never agreed to go out with him. he said he didn't feel it was need to know info right at first, i told him it was vital need to know. if i would have known. i wouldn't be sitting up at 4 in the morning talking to strangers about this.

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He didn't think it was important information because then he wouldn't have gotten all that hot sex if he had told you the truth, which, as I said before, is all he really wanted. He was selfish, and heartless about it all, but you kind of subjected yourself to it by giving in so easily. Next time, keep the reins in check if you wanna find out if a guy likes you for you, or what you're putting out.

I didn't feel the need to justify how i feel. I feel hurt, sad, rejected, and used. I needed advice, i knew deep down i was 2nd place and that really isn't cool with me even if i convinced him, i would always wander if he was thinking of her and i couldn't live like that. i just needed to talk about it and reassure myself that letting him go was the best thing for me to do. im dealing with what will i regret more? trying and looking like a bigger idiot or not trying. and yes, i did consider him my boyfriend.

You didn't consider it then. Like I said, you never told us he's your boyfriend. You're considering it now because you got hurt, and it somehow needed to be justified. There's no need for closure, he already moved on. So should you.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I didn't feel the need to justify how i feel. I feel hurt, sad, rejected, and used. I needed advice, i knew deep down i was 2nd place and that really isn't cool with me even if i convinced him, i would always wander if he was thinking of her and i couldn't live like that. i just needed to talk about it and reassure myself that letting him go was the best thing for me to do. im dealing with what will i regret more? trying and looking like a bigger idiot or not trying. and yes, i did consider him my boyfriend.

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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. We all make mistakes. Trying to pretend that we're perfect and above making mistakes is the stupid part. So take this and learn from it. Use it to make yourself better. When a man wants to hop into bed with you, tell him he can wait. If he finds you to be worth it, he'll wait around because it's YOU his interested in. Not the mind-blowing sex. That's not what makes a relationship thrive.

Yeah, he may have issues with this other girl, but that's for him to sort out. It has nothing to do with you, and you need to move on.

i know i f***d up by giving it up too soon, i really intended on waiting because i did like him. I am very impulsive, and i tend to live in the moment. huge character flaw. but one of my strengths is i can forgive. I dont have to be friends with him, just know that i don't have to hate him for being human. she will prob screw him over anyways. although i am angry now, that anger will only harm me. this is my attempt to talk myself into being the bigger person. And i would like to think he didn't have the power to soil or jade me.

you may not realize but this happened like 30 hours ago. i think i am movin right along. im not calling into work, sulking, im being proactive. geez, you are merciless

yes i felt like one, agreed. read above where it says 'you are a fool'

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you may not realize but this happened like 30 hours ago. i think i am movin right along. im not calling into work, sulking, im being proactive. geez, you are merciless

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Good! Keep moving forward! It's better than no one coddled you. You don't need an excuse to feel sorry for yourself. And a few posts ago you weren't "movin right along". You were sulking and looking for reasons, any reason, to get back into his good graces. If anything, he should be trying to get back into your good graces. He's the selfish one.

This guy isn't worth another thought of yours. He used you. And realize that you have more control of yourself than just excusing your behavior because you're "impulsive". This will be good practice on how to use better judgment in the future.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

geez, you are merciless

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I'd call it tough love

believe me, i am not excusing it, i am owning it. i think posting anything here at all was an attempt to move on one way or another.like i said. i knew deep down, i was just being blinded by, well i don't know now, it just seems stupid. i called him out for using me and he swore that wasn't true. whatever. i knew it then and i for sure know it now. i told him once this ship had sailed there was no chance of buying another ticket and i need to stick to that. holy crap, i can't believe what i had talked myself into.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

believe me, i am not excusing it, i am owning it. i think posting anything here at all was an attempt to move on one way or another.like i said. i knew deep down, i was just being blinded by, well i don't know now, it just seems stupid. i called him out for using me and he swore that wasn't true. whatever. i knew it then and i for sure know it now. i told him once this ship had sailed there was no chance of buying another ticket and i need to stick to that. holy crap, i can't believe what i had talked myself into.

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Good :) Definitely stick to it. He might be kicking himself later, but you'll have moved on by then. He can swear up and down that he wasn't intentionally using you, but he can't really fault all the evidence against him. He sounds very young and not very self-aware (something he'll learn about in the years to come). Inexperienced people are much more blinded by their hormones in situations like this. Sounds like he confused his lust for another warm body with genuine attraction. If he were really that into you, he wouldn't have up and left so quickly.

Guys

I dated 2 guys last year and it quickly fizzled out due to their ex.

The reality of it is that most men don't wait to be ready to date again (actually many women don't either). They jump back in and they will happily tell you they have no feelings left for their ex and maybe they believe it. But then she calls back reminds them of the good moments and your're out of the pictures.

That guy from Marseille last year we went on 4 dates together (we had sex once and I did not like it so it probably made it easy for me not to fall for him)...that guy had been dating a girl for 6 months before me. According to him, she had no class, the kinda girl he would never introduce to his family, she was a sexy girl but nothing in her brains (his words)...

so anyway one day he phones me and said she wants back and she is moving back in with him. He said some women have arguments a man can't resist...and that was the end for me...

Second guy, had been divorced for 2 years and he said he was very ready and insisted on seeing me again. After 3 dates he was not making any efforts (actually he was depressed). He wanted the company and probably the sex but nothing more...

The last guy I met was more or less the same story as yours apart from the mind blowing sex (I wish). He kept saying his ex was a piece of work, that she did many things selfish and cruel to him. She was even older than me (proof that older women should never feel insecure compared to younger women)..

Anyway. My pride got me out of all these situations pretty quickly but I've realised when you meet a man you really need to do some subtle research on whether he is still pining for his ex or not.

Also I've made the mistake to say a few harsh words to each gentleman at the end of the first two experiences :) with a superior tone eh eh...not good...

But for the last one...I knew better. When he told me his ex was coming back, he seemed so tormented that I truely felt for him. I held his hand, and listen to this I told him:

' you've got to do what makes you happy. I'm not gonna be an extra pain in your life. You need to concentrate on whether you want to carry on with her rather than which one of the two is better for you...'

I was sincere...you know really...so I disappeared graciously from the scene and believe you me, one year later he is calling me back...

And no we are not together but he offered me a job.

OP, you have got a great lesson to learn here. Never never turn into a psycho when competing with another woman. Because you will lose in the long term.

Also do not count on sex to keep the loyalty of your man. Your story was only starting and I would say was promising but you did not have time for him to develop feelings.

Cut your losses. Know how to lose.

I think on tell-tale sign of someone not being officially over their ex is the fact that the openly and continuously swear to be over them, and give reasons as to why they think their ex is a psycho. If they were really over them, they wouldn't feel the need to rehash it all the time. They'd just let it be what it is. A memory, the past.

he never once mention her or that she existed until he dumped me to go back to her. I was in shock. i knew of another ex, but this was a well kept secret. oh well. i wouldnt really say i turned psycho, just evil with words and i knew where to aim. not my proudest but cant change it now.

Perhaps he really was trying to get over her, but as I said, rebounds don't really last either. They are fleeting because the feelings that fuel those relationships burn out pretty quickly, especially when sex is the main component. I think it was pretty stupid of him to even mention her at all upon breaking up. It only caused more drama. But he's a stupid boy. He had no idea what he was doing in either situation, with you or with her. He was just kind of riding the high until it ended.

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Originally Posted by neverbefore [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

he never once mention her or that she existed until he dumped me to go back to her. I was in shock. i knew of another ex, but this was a well kept secret.

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Not a sexist comment on my part but it's in the nature of men to keep a lot of personal info to themselves...especially when it touches on feelings...you'll never know what draws him to her...this things often can't be defined...not even by men themselves...

There could be a whole list that does not even start to explain the reasons.

A few years back we knew a gorgeous guy at work who was married to this chubby, plain looking girl (kind of uncommon in France to be married at such young age) We were all impressed by him. We thought he was not your usual shallow guy.

It turned out he explained to one of his mates that the girl's family had money and that she was soon to inherit a house. So, you see...

Not to be cynical, but there REALLY all sorts of reason people hold on to someone and very often you could never compete in the first place.

So be philosophical about it. and move on.

agreed. i later thought back and wandered why he told me that part as well. it seems it would have been easier to have left that part out. but boys are stupid. maybe he wanted the drama. maybe he wanted me to beg for his love. i can't believe i almost did it. esp since it is SOOOO out of character for me. maybe he just wanted to hurt be bad enough that i wouldn't bother him again and he could be rid of me. ive learned not to put anything past anyone. you really never know anybody and just when you think you do, they go and prove you wrong

a wise friend once told me that " if there is something that doesn't make sense, then there is something that you don't know". you wouldn't believe how many times this saying proves itself to be true and how it applies to so many aspects of your life. yet, i only think of it in retrospect.

Do not feel bad that you believed in you two as couple. It's healthy behaviour, you met a man you liked, you fancied him, had great sex but then he let you down.

Unfortunately it's part of life and one day you'll meet the one, no doubt about it. You need to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince...eh eh eh