Please don't crucify me.

This is such a hard topic to write about, because one side of me feels incredibly justified and one side of me feels incredibly selfish.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and we got married when both of us were in college. We made it though our last two years, both of us with our noses stuck in books, and now we're out in the "real world."

Well. My wife is not one to enjoy walking or running or working out, and in the collegiate environment, it was alright. Now, though, it seems that every time we turn around she's gained another 5 pounds and gone up in pants size and all of that. She doesn't care. There is no incentive for her to care, and frankly doing something about it is uncomfortable for her. We're married now, right? I have to accept her as she is, regardless.

I'm really skiddish about saying something, though, because she is in fact physically less and less desirable as she gains weight, but I can come across as extremely narrow-minded or pig-headed or, yes, selfish if I were to talk to her about it. In fact, I may even hurt her feelings so much so that it is irreparable or at least very hard to repair.

And then there's the whole question...do I even have a right to say something? I mean, it's 'till death do us part, and the "D"- word has never ever entered our marriage even once.

But how do I talk to her about this? I hope I am only coming across and sincere and honest, and...honestly, I really would appreciate the help.

Thanks all.

[url=http://www.livestrong.com/article/71197-motivate-wife-lose-weight/]How To Motivate Your Wife To Lose Weight | LIVESTRONG.COM[/url]
When you do bring up the subject use possitive statements

Thanks. Anyone else...maybe from personal experience (either the guy or the girl)??

Remember that SHE is the problem, not you. By not caring for how she looks and her health she makes the first big mistake towards an unhealthy marriage.

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Originally Posted by Ric [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Remember that SHE is the problem, not you. By not caring for how she looks and her health she makes the first big mistake towards an unhealthy marriage.

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We all should be as judgmental as that my god she may have had a few children maybe she feels unconditional love from her husband

Well, 1) I do love her unconditionally. 2) We don't have kids. It just seems like there's no excuse for it now, but I don't know how to present that to her in a loving way.

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Originally Posted by sweetkissesforu [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We all should be as judgmental as that my god she may have had a few children maybe she feels unconditional love from her husband

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Just going by what he told us. There seems to be no reason for her to get fatter. She doesn't care about doing something about it (or is uncomfortable with that as the post says).
Yes, unconditional love is good. If my girlfriend or wife got fat, it doesn't mean I'd instantly leave her. However, I'd talk to her about it, find the exact cause. If she gets fat simply because she eats too much and doesn't care, yeah... I'd break up with her.
Is that because of what she looks like? No. There is way more than physical attraction or lack thereof. It is the personality trait of not caring for yourself and not caring for your relationship. A relationship requires effort throughout the whole relationship, not just the beginning.
I don't want to be with someone who changes like that after being nice and settled.

Is she depressed? Possibly has some health problem that is creating this weight?

I don't think there is truly any way to discuss this with her without hurting her. No matter what you say, she is going to know that you don't find her attractive. That would be the only point you would say anything in the first place.

Is there any way you can get her engaged in any other active hobby? Buy her a Wii or something? Offer to do some of the cooking and serve up lean, healthy meals? Make meal suggestions?

If you do say anything to her, make sure you use "I" statements and not "you" statements... "I really liked it when we used to work out together", as apposed to "You don't do anything but eat now"...

Well, he doesn't have to bring up the point of physical attraction. He can mention he is worried about her health and worried about the reason she isn't caring for herself.

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Originally Posted by Ric [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just going by what he told us. There seems to be no reason for her to get fatter. She doesn't care about doing something about it (or is uncomfortable with that as the post says).
Yes, unconditional love is good. If my girlfriend or wife got fat, it doesn't mean I'd instantly leave her. However, I'd talk to her about it, find the exact cause. If she gets fat simply because she eats too much and doesn't care, yeah... I'd break up with her.
Is that because of what she looks like? No. There is way more than physical attraction or lack thereof. It is the personality trait of not caring for yourself and not caring for your relationship. A relationship requires effort throughout the whole relationship, not just the beginning.
I don't want to be with someone who changes like that after being nice and settled.

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If that was really true, you should have no regrets if someone leaves you because you start balding, or have any other problems. What you are talking about is not true and unconditional love. Unconditional love loves someone for exactly what they are, flaws, mistakes and all.

Are you a young guy? Sooner or latter you will learn that nearly all women will get fatter and uglier as they age...unless they are those "naturally" thin types that can eat all they want. I would bet you would not complain to a woman like that for her eating habits as long as she is attractive to you... that's not love.

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Originally Posted by Sunnybeach7 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If that was really true, you should have no regrets if someone leaves you because you start balding, or have any other problems. What you are talking about is not true and unconditional love. Unconditional love loves someone for exactly what they are, flaws, mistakes and all.

Are you a young guy? Sooner or latter you will learn that nearly all women will get fatter and uglier as they age...unless they are those "naturally" thin types that can eat all they want. I would bet you would not complain to a woman like that for her eating habits as long as she is attractive to you... that's not love.

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There's a huge difference between natural changes or changes because a person didn't care.
Unconditional love is a moronic idea. Unconditional love makes people unhappy. I've known many people who truly loved their partner despite their many flaws. However, despite their love they weren't happy. Not happy because they weren't being true to themselves over what they want.

It is the womans responsibility to stay fit and attractive. She needs to slim down so you would desire her. She needs to keep healthy so she doesnt die of a heart attack at an early age and leave you all alone. There is much responsibility to being a wife. You need to tell her to lose weight because you dont want the marriage to be affected.

Hmmmm, why does everyone pussyfoot around this? Just tell her she has put on weight and that for her health and wellbeing it would be a good idea if she lost some.

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Originally Posted by qwertz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hmmmm, why does everyone pussyfoot around this? Just tell her she has put on weight and that for her health and wellbeing it would be a good idea if she lost some.

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Agreed.

If you think she doesn't have a motive to keep fit cos she's settled with a husband, by the same token, she won't leave you cos you said the truth. If I were her, I would be shocked that I did not notice to the point my hubby had to mention it.

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Originally Posted by Kaius [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It is the womans responsibility to stay fit and attractive. She needs to slim down so you would desire her. She needs to keep healthy so she doesnt die of a heart attack at an early age and leave you all alone. There is much responsibility to being a wife. You need to tell her to lose weight because you dont want the marriage to be affected.

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That's just about the stupidest thing I've ever read on here.

Well, if you're afraid of saying it straight out, there's two ways that you can put it without saying "You're ugly," though I've known people who have just said, straight out, to lose weight. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

Anyway, those two ways:
1) I'm worried about your health. If you need to start eating healthier, or you need to exercise, I can work on that with you. I don't want you to have cholesterol problems, diabetes, etc, in 20 years.
2) Have you stopped caring about how you look for me? Are we already at that point? (Elaborate. Appear hurt)

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Originally Posted by Kaius [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It is the womans responsibility to stay fit and attractive. She needs to slim down so you would desire her. She needs to keep healthy so she doesnt die of a heart attack at an early age and leave you all alone. There is much responsibility to being a wife. You need to tell her to lose weight because you dont want the marriage to be affected.

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This has got to be the most intelligent thing you've said on here.

It is up to her what she is doing with herself. Although, it's healthy if she looks after herself, but because she enjoyes it. Maybe she doesn't have any motivation/interest about looking good and staying healthy - and that's what should worry you.
Don't make it about losing weight, just try to make your lifestyle more healthy, which includes balanced diet.

I've been with bigger girls before and some become comfortable with their appearance.
While I've also been with hot girls who gained about 5 lbs a year until they morphed into someone they didn't resemble.

How to tell her?
Let me ask you this first dude:

(1) Does she want to lose weight? Yes? What has she done to transpose these words into ACTION? Nothing? Then she does NOT want to lose weight.
-Which means you MUST either accept it, or stay in a relationship with a fatty you don't find attractive anymore OR: divorce her.

(2) When you got married: What did those vows mean to YOU?
-Now ask her this? Did you plan to love honor and cherish someone who refuses to take care of themselves so you can
press on taking care of your children after her fatal heart disease? Belly fat is an indicator of that condition. Educate her.

Make her see how her health (and lack of care of it) reflects her inability to uphold her vows.
You don't want to spend the rest of your life being married to someone who's risk for death increase exponentially...


Conclusion: there is a right way and a wrong way to encourage her to lose weight.

If she complains about an area (that is fat) tell her there are exercises she can do in the house to target those areas.
If she makes excuses: remind her she needs to make time if she wants to accomplish her goals.
Invite her to the gym with you OR Do the exercises with her.
It's hard to say no when your partner is interactive and supportive. :)

In any relationship: I feel if you have an issue: you have the right to address it.
Not by being a jerk off, though. You need to be sensitive to her feelings.
She didn't plan on getting bigger, I suspect.



Which brings me to the final word:
What does she eat?
Who buys the groceries?
Who cooks?
Do you eat out? What frequency? Where?
What is her intake in carb, protein, fats (trans, saturated, poly, mono)

If you don't know this?
Oops: you're part of the problem.

Hmm, I partially agree to SelflessnHumble.
However, the last part is a bit too much. While I do think you should know about how much she eats, not everyone knows specifics. Not everyone is a food expert.
Also, I assume he's not around her 24/7 either, so she can eat more while he's gone.

But yeah, knowing the basics is certainly a good thing as a husband.

Ugh, really?

How much would you say she weighs? Just a guess-timate..

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Originally Posted by Ric [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hmm, I partially agree to SelflessnHumble.
However, the last part is a bit too much. While I do think you should know about how much she eats, not everyone knows specifics. Not everyone is a food expert.
Also, I assume he's not around her 24/7 either, so she can eat more while he's gone.

But yeah, knowing the basics is certainly a good thing as a husband.

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The thing is: if you are contributing to her getting overweight: how can you point the finger at her (only) ?
You don't need to be a food expert, hell I'm not and even I know how to read the labels AND research.

Carb abuse is the #1 cause for diabetes in addition to gaining unwanted weight.
It gets worse as we age too.

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Originally Posted by Ric [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There's a huge difference between natural changes or changes because a person didn't care.
Unconditional love is a moronic idea. Unconditional love makes people unhappy. I've known many people who truly loved their partner despite their many flaws. However, despite their love they weren't happy. Not happy because they weren't being true to themselves over what they want.

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Gaining weight is just as natural if not more natural than losing your hair...and there are many many things you can do to prevent and change hair loss...so it is a good comparison.

Unconditional love is not moronic. I have unconditional love with someone, and I have never been happier in my life.
It sounds like the people who have loved their partner despite their flaws but were not happy did not have unconditional love, or their love was one sided, or their problems had nothing to do with their love life?

It sounds as if you too may have been victim to giving more than you have gotten back...we are all victim to that at one time or another. The key is to find someone who's flaws are livable for you, and to have mutual respect in your relationship, among other things that will give you both what you need and deserve

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Originally Posted by Sunnybeach7 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Gaining weight is just as natural if not more natural than losing your hair...and there are many many things you can do to prevent and change hair loss...so it is a good comparison.

Unconditional love is not moronic. I have unconditional love with someone, and I have never been happier in my life.
It sounds like the people who have loved their partner despite their flaws but were not happy did not have unconditional love, or their love was one sided, or their problems had nothing to do with their love life?

It sounds as if you too may have been victim to giving more than you have gotten back...we are all victim to that at one time or another. The key is to find someone who's flaws are livable for you, and to have mutual respect in your relationship, among other things that will give you both what you need and deserve

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Very nice post.

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The key is to find someone who's flaws are livable for you, and to have mutual respect in your relationship, among other things that will give you both what you need and deserve

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This I agree with. But this is different for everyone. Personally I would never want a wife or girlfriend who doesn't care about her health or what she looks like for her partner.
A relationship is something you ALWAYS should work on. Once you stop caring to work on your relationship and looking attractive for your partner you make the first step towards a bad marriage.
Does this mean I will leave someone just because they get unattractive? Well, that brings me to another part of what you said.

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Gaining weight is just as natural if not more natural than losing your hair...and there are many many things you can do to prevent and change hair loss...so it is a good comparison.

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No, I wouldn't. Gaining weight and losing hair isn't even nearly the same. You really can't do much to prevent hair loss. Well, nothing. All those fancy tell-sell stuffies don't work.
And yes, sometimes you can't do anything against the gain of weight. If that happens, I'd never leave my wife over it. I'd not leave her for anything she can't help.
However, if she just wants to stuff her face and not work out, then I have a problem and then it no longer falls under a flaw I can live with.

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Originally Posted by Ric [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'd not leave her for anything she can't help.
However, if she just wants to stuff her face and not work out, then I have a problem and then it no longer falls under a flaw I can live with.

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Ric, thing thing about someone "stuffing their face" and such... the majority of the time there is a reason behind it...an underlying problem causing it, and that is the problem that should be addressed if you were to address a problem.

That being said... this man's wife has a new baby. Have you ever had a baby (I don't mean literally)? My 1st cried all day and all night long if she was not held and given attention too. This prevented me and her father and my mother from getting hardly any sleep, let alone enough.

This man has time to play games... who do you think takes care of the kid full time? He may not help at all, with the baby, housework, cooking, etc? He's not been back to address any of those issues so we can know for sure. When would a woman taking full time care of a baby, even without doing all that other stuff have time to just sit around and "stuff their face"?

This man's only reason to address his wife is because he finds her unattractive. No? As someone else here said, he did not seem at all concerned for her getting enough sleep, getting time to herself, or even have the option to work out if she wanted to.

Woman, Man, I don't care what sex you are... if you tell your partner they are unattractive, you will sever your relationship permanently. They will never feel the same way about you again, and likely any intimacy you are having will stop.

One more thought.. if you are with the right person and you are good for each other, you would never find them unattractive in the first place. Attraction flows way deeper than from just what we can see on the outside. You would not consider leaving someone like that, and you surely would never say anything that you know would hurt them.

@Sunny
Of course it can have underlying issues. And I wasn't saying I'd leave my wife instantly. I would try to work things out, see why she gains weight, why she doesn't care, etc.

Hmm, did I miss the part where it said she has a new baby? Because that would be a more valid reason and I can bring up some understanding for that.

And as I said in my posts, for me it would be what it indicates rather than what it shows. If I am truly in love with someone I don't care if I start finding her less attractive. But I do care about the health, and I do care about why she stopped caring how she looks for me.
He should certainly not say "Hun, lose weight, you're getting ugly". If he brings it up from a health perspective and tries to find out why she "stopped caring" that would be a very reasonable approach and she can't rightfully blame him for that.

When I was at college I put on a lot of weight, but didnlt realsie it was as bad at the time.... I really wished someone would have told me that I had put weight on to be honest. I know it would have been hard to hear at firsdt but it may have kick started weight loss. I have lost the weight now due to a combination of training, career change where I am always on my feet and wanted to look better. Looking back on those pictures from a few years ago actually is embarressing and is why it would have been tough to hear, I may not have liked being told I was fat but it would have been for my own benefit, infact I said to my parents they should have told me!!!!

I think you should bring it up in a way that both of you should do more physical exercise, maybe go out walking together to start off with, once she gets going she will feel better about herself and will keep up with it.

Good Luck.

Unconditional love is not unconditional attraction, and both love and attraction are needed to hold a marriage together if it's going to last.

Tell her straight up and as kindly as possible that this isn't working for you and that you're willing to help her make the changes necessary to get on the right track.

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Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This has got to be the most intelligent thing you've said on here.

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Which is sad.

I think you owe it to each other to stay attractive for each other. Just be there for her. Ask her if she is happy. And then brainstorm together. Maybe if you both start to eat heathy and work out twice a week for a whole month, you reward yourselves by going on a mini-vacation. When you make it two 6 months, have a big vacation to plan for. It will inspire you both and you will both feel sexier because of it. Offer to cook and take control by making healthy meals for the two of you. Or offer to take a dance class with her if that's something she would like.

But you must talk about this, in a kind and loving way. Be there for her. I'm sure there's more going on, with women there always is. Start there. Ask her if she is happy, tell her you've noticed her zest for life is gone a bit, that she doesn't seem to want to get dressed up any more and that you're worried. She'll let it out. And then, be there for her.

You are not a bad husband, I promise you.

Hi, i understand where your comeing from,
I feel sometimes as my weight gain has made my bf less attracted to me and it brakes my heart. He says hed prefer me to loose abit of weight, but its easier said than done.Your wife proberbly does care that she has put weight on. But its so hard to loose the weight as sometimes food makes you happy. I have dieted before and it makes me so misruble. I have a health condition that contributes to my weight gain. Does your wife eat alot? maybe you could help her by suggesting that you both could start eating more healthier and going for long walks. Remember that she till the woman you fell in love with and she can be as beautiful as the day you met her. She prob just need some help getting there x