how to deal with a racist partner.

so....i just left pretty irritated from my bf's. This has been really bothering me since we started dating about a year and a half ago and usually i'm dismissive about these things because i don't think he knows how big of an idiot he is being. Nonetheless i'm still trying to love him for him, despite his flaws since nobody is perfect. Anyway my bf has this huge problem with using the n-word and making racist jokes, CONSTANTLY. And tonight he just really crossed the line and so i started getting pretty annoyed and we got into a small argument and i left. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, how do i deal with this, every time he spews his racist crap it makes my skin crawl! He thinks it's funny and he doesn't think he is racist because he has friends who aren't white, etc but it's REALLY NOT funny to me, i've made this clear SEVERAL times and he still does it all the time and it really puts me in a bad mood. Am i overreacting?

no you're not regardless of wether he is a racis or not his language is offensive and not classy...what a girl wants is a guy she can introduce to her friends and family with pride and peace of mind...your partner is not it...

the fact he is not able to change to please you and to keep you is proof that you are somehow dating down...he might have many other qualities though but I would watch for issues of compatibility between the two of you...you seem like a sensible educated young woman...mismatch?

What sort of jokes? Most racist jokes are offencive to racists rather than anyone else. Also, they are JOKES. Have some sense of humour and stop taking them seriously.

I have people in my group of friends that make racist jokes, they find them funny but they are not actually racist, they have nothing against any race but they like being centre of attention and pulling off these jokes :s

I'm torn. On the one hand, racist jokes perpetuate negative stereotypes, which can obviously be hurtful. On the other hand, I agree that non-racist people (including black people) popularized this kind of humor.

I guess if your boyfriend knows this bothers you, but doesn't care enough to stop, you will have to decide if you want to keep him.

Since he has refused to join your quest for political correctness despite your several attempts, it would seem that he is not a doormat. As I understand, women find that attractive.

All in all, it depends on whether it's just lighthearted fun or laden with antagonism. Figure out which first.

hang out in black neighborhoods and see if he still talks like that.

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Originally Posted by Yet another guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What sort of jokes? Most racist jokes are offencive to racists rather than anyone else. Also, they are JOKES. Have some sense of humour and stop taking them seriously.

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Example: Last night, this was why i started to get pissed. We were watching a documentary on netflix about the organ trading industry and this black woman was getting a kidney transplant or something. He starts talking about how he doesn't want to hear personal stories, etc and then says "looking at this fkn n***** getting a tranplant, hey look ppl this incompetent(don't remember exactly what word was used) N***** getting a transplant". Yeah, REALLY NOT funny. And yes i DO realize sometimes he is just trying to joke WHICH IS WHY i'm DISMISSIVE about it quite often but when he says things that just cross the line he doesn't get it. He started comparing it to when i talk about certain ppl who are really dumb that i encounter somewhere and saying it's the same thing. He attributes a lot of negative stereotypes to the fact that they are black or mexican or whatever race and it's really fkn annoying.

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Originally Posted by qwertz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have people in my group of friends that make racist jokes, they find them funny but they are not actually racist, they have nothing against any race but they like being centre of attention and pulling off these jokes :s

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For me it's like an oxymoron, you can't say you're racist and then turn around and make racist jokes left and right. There's a difference between someone who makes a racist joke KNOWING how stupid/racist they sound and someone who makes a racist joke and doesn't think it's racist.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm torn. On the one hand, racist jokes perpetuate negative stereotypes, which can obviously be hurtful. On the other hand, I agree that non-racist people (including black people) popularized this kind of humor.

I guess if your boyfriend knows this bothers you, but doesn't care enough to stop, you will have to decide if you want to keep him.

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Well the thing is HE doesn't think it's racist, or that he is. I want to change that. He is such a smart, intelligent, and fun person otherwise...And when he says these things it makes him look like such and ugly and ignorant person.

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Originally Posted by Lipp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All in all, it depends on whether it's just lighthearted fun or laden with antagonism. Figure out which first.

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It's a little of both definitely.

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Originally Posted by misombra [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hang out in black neighborhoods and see if he still talks like that.

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I know he wouldn't say these things in front of a black person or group of black people, even though he says he would. He thinks it grants him right to say these things because he does have friends of other races and he himself, is mixed but as far as you can tell he looks pretty white. He does have friends who are pretty dark that he hangs out with but i don't know of anyone he hangs out with that is black or mexican. It's just annoying to hear it all the time. I wish he would save it for his friends who like to laugh at it and not ruin my night when i've asked him to stop repeatedly.

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Originally Posted by Yet another guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Since he has refused to join your quest for political correctness despite your several attempts, it would seem that he is not a doormat. As I understand, women find that attractive.

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If i found it attractive when he is a macho dick, i would have stayed in his bed and laughed at his comments.

Call him a nigger.

He keeps doing it because you don't really do much but get pissy and leave. Big whoop-de-doo to him. You come back and that is that.

I get the whole sometimes it's funny shit, but there are some words not tolerable, and n-word for me is also one of them. It makes me cringe as well. No partner of mine will run around saying that and if it slipped once, maybe twice fine but my boundary and limitation is simple, that word is not to be used period. If it is used with blatant disregard I would straight up dump him. This is acceptable because you've made it clear the word is unacceptable, and have given him a few chances upon his slip ups but crossing the line time and time again is where I draw the line.

I don't think he's going to get a clue until you have a dead serious no frills talk. About what is not acceptable, and stand by it. If he does it again, you're leaving end of story.

Your BF sounds like an asswipe.

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Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If i found it attractive when he is a macho dick, i would have stayed in his bed and laughed at his comments.

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But you ARE staying with him. Ohhhh, not for that very exact moment though!

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For your humor. True story!

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Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Example: Last night, this was why i started to get pissed. We were watching a documentary on netflix about the organ trading industry and this black woman was getting a kidney transplant or something. He starts talking about how he doesn't want to hear personal stories, etc and then says "looking at this fkn n***** getting a tranplant, hey look ppl this incompetent(don't remember exactly what word was used) N***** getting a transplant". Yeah, REALLY NOT funny.

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Blargh! :P That kind of joke is not worth getting you pissed. I wouldn't have found that funny either even though I don't have problems with your dreaded N-word.

Why are you still with that mofo?

I don't think he knew how much it bothered me until last night, like i said normally i'm just dismissive about it because he doesn't realize how ridiculous it is. I've never gotten super angry about it and besides this he's an amazing guy. I told him it bothers me so much especially because it's coming from someone who is so smart and caring and otherwise not a complete moron. This isn't something i'd break up with him over, we have a great relationship besides the occasional argument here and there. I want him to see it the way i see it, because it's an ugly ugly trait to have even if it's just jokes, sometimes i feel like there's some intent behind it like he really thinks those things.

I couldn't be with someone if I thought they really felt that way. Stupidity is annoying, but hateful is a deal-breaker.

We can't change others' views. just leave them be, and move on.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I couldn't be with someone if I thought they really felt that way. Stupidity is annoying, but hateful is a deal-breaker.

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We talked a little about it he said they are just jokes. And hopefully he'll quit saying that stuff around me AT LEAST.

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"looking at this fkn n***** getting a tranplant, hey look ppl this incompetent(don't remember exactly what word was used) N***** getting a transplant"

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So he called this a joke? Where's the joke? Which part are you supposed to laugh at? This isn't humor, this is just spewing ugly hate at a TV screen.

If you have a problem with it, don't dismiss it anymore. People say racist things like this when they think they can get away with it. Don't let him justify it with, "Oh, I'm not racist because I have a lot of black friends and it was just a joke anyway." That's a bullshit excuse and it doesn't give him carte blanche to say horrible things.

Maybe you can find a documentary on Netflix that demonstrates how not to be a racist piece of shit. Watch it together. Make it a date night. Serve fried chicken and watermelon. [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obKLdou0LH0"]Ba-dum chh![/URL] Now there's a joke!

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So he called this a joke? Where's the joke? Which part are you supposed to laugh at? This isn't humor, this is just spewing ugly hate at a TV screen.

If you have a problem with it, don't dismiss it anymore. People say racist things like this when they think they can get away with it. Don't let him justify it with, "Oh, I'm not racist because I have a lot of black friends and it was just a joke anyway." That's a bullshit excuse and it doesn't give him carte blanche to say horrible things.

Maybe you can find a documentary on Netflix that demonstrates how not to be a racist piece of shit. Watch it together. Make it a date night. Serve fried chicken and watermelon. [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obKLdou0LH0"]Ba-dum chh![/URL] Now there's a joke!

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That's why it's frustrating, i don't find any humor in it...like i said it makes my skin crawl when he says stuff like this. I don't understand how he could think it's ok. I know he's had really bad experiences with ppl of color especially black men but it's because of where he works. And i'm not even sure where he gets this shit, it's annoying and i don't like it. He doesn't think it's racist because he's jokingly saying it but to me it's wayyy crossing the line to say something as ugly and horrible as that.

And for example he lives in a predominantly republican white neighborhood, and whenever he sees someone of color in his neighborhood he has to make a comment about how they don't belong there. And it just irks me!

it's just hard because if it were someone else, i'd probably want to claw their eyes out...i really don't understand how that stuff can be coming from someone who is so much better than that. It makes me physically nauseous when i hear it coming from him.

have sex with a black guy.

Looking up to someone is part of what makes me fall in love with them...and yes ignorance would put me off...I would feel in a way that I'm dating half a wit...is it bad?

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Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

it's just hard because if it were someone else, i'd probably want to claw their eyes out...i really don't understand how that stuff can be coming from someone who is so much better than that. It makes me physically nauseous when i hear it coming from him.

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You think he's "better than that"? Ummm he continually proves over and over again he isn't. Yet you stand by him, which only makes me see you in the same light as him.

I don't deal with bullshit under any circumstances. Why do you?

It seems like you're allowing your emotions to cloud your better judgement. If he had shared these kinds of thoughts with you, on lets say, the first date, you would be out of there before the bread basket was placed safely on to the table. Am I right?

Why is this any different? You have grown attached to him, and there for see this kind of situation as a 'one of those thangs that annoys the crap out of me, but I'll live.' deals. If this makes you soooo angry and uncomfortable, why stick with him? Whats keeping you there? Attachment. Love.

Why does love turn us blind, deaf and mute?

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Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's why it's frustrating, i don't find any humor in it...like i said it makes my skin crawl when he says stuff like this. I don't understand how he could think it's ok. I know he's had really bad experiences with ppl of color especially black men but it's because of where he works. And i'm not even sure where he gets this shit, it's annoying and i don't like it. He doesn't think it's racist because he's jokingly saying it but to me it's wayyy crossing the line to say something as ugly and horrible as that.

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Hey Bo. You know as well as I do that the whole "joking" excuse is total bullshit. I've heard plenty of racist jokes and even told a few. They usually start with "a black guy and a mexican walk into a bar" or something else that makes it obvious that a joke is about to be told. I even used to have an african guy that worked at my job. He was so ridiculously lazy! I said PLENTY about him like that when he stank up the bathroom it was probably because he ate lion asshole for dinner, lol. But guess what? I joked about that with the other two black guys that I worked with who also hated how lazy he was. They had their own jokes too. However when you start spouting off about a black woman who needs a kidney transplant being an incompetent n*gger, that is just ignorant and cowardly. If he truly thought that kind of speech was acceptable he'd speak that way in public and around his black/spanish/whatever friends. The fact that he saves such speech for when blacks or whomever else isn't around shows that he's a disgusting coward just like so many other racists.

I'm mixed and I had MANY negative dealing with black men in my past. That never drove me to start calling black people worthless n*ggers or anything as stupid as that. To be fair I don't like the stereotypical black man who has his pants hanging off his ass, refuses to speak proper english and is disrespectful to everyone beyond all belief. But guess what? There are also white men, asian men, and spanish men who are exactly the same. In general I realize that I don't like people, mainly because most people are arrogant and ignorant. Maybe your bf will realize one day that you can't single out one race to embody all of the negativity that he is trying to pin on them.

I don't think that you should just up and dump him over something like this like others have suggested. However you need to ask yourself if his refusal to change something as simple as his speech might be an indicator of how willing he is to change other more important attributes when your relationship is further down the road. You also need to ask yourself if his "joking" also might extend to women, and therefore you. We've already established that he is a coward and possibly a bigot, so who's to say that he doesn't talk about how "women are stupid and only good for sleeping with"? I'm sure his black friends aren't aware of his constant and belligerent use of "the -n- word", so maybe you aren't aware of the derogatory things that he says about women (or you personally).

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey Bo. You know as well as I do that the whole "joking" excuse is total bullshit. I've heard plenty of racist jokes and even told a few. They usually start with "a black guy and a mexican walk into a bar" or something else that makes it obvious that a joke is about to be told. I even used to have an african guy that worked at my job. He was so ridiculously lazy! I said PLENTY about him like that when he stank up the bathroom it was probably because he ate lion asshole for dinner, lol. But guess what? I joked about that with the other two black guys that I worked with who also hated how lazy he was. They had their own jokes too. However when you start spouting off about a black woman who needs a kidney transplant being an incompetent n*gger, that is just ignorant and cowardly. If he truly thought that kind of speech was acceptable he'd speak that way in public and around his black/spanish/whatever friends. The fact that he saves such speech for when blacks or whomever else isn't around shows that he's a disgusting coward just like so many other racists.

I'm mixed and I had MANY negative dealing with black men in my past. That never drove me to start calling black people worthless n*ggers or anything as stupid as that. To be fair I don't like the stereotypical black man who has his pants hanging off his ass, refuses to speak proper english and is disrespectful to everyone beyond all belief. But guess what? There are also white men, asian men, and spanish men who are exactly the same. In general I realize that I don't like people, mainly because most people are arrogant and ignorant. Maybe your bf will realize one day that you can't single out one race to embody all of the negativity that he is trying to pin on them.

I don't think that you should just up and dump him over something like this like others have suggested. However you need to ask yourself if his refusal to change something as simple as his speech might be an indicator of how willing he is to change other more important attributes when your relationship is further down the road. You also need to ask yourself if his "joking" also might extend to women, and therefore you. We've already established that he is a coward and possibly a bigot, so who's to say that he doesn't talk about how "women are stupid and only good for sleeping with"? I'm sure his black friends aren't aware of his constant and belligerent use of "the -n- word", so maybe you aren't aware of the derogatory things that he says about women (or you personally).

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Well we got into a huge blow out about it that last like 3 days. I don't think he ever thought i was THAT serious about it when i said i hate it when he says things like that, so he stopped. He says he doesn't really mean it, and they were just jokes. I think he is starting to get the point, and it doesn't help that a lot of his friends are really ignorant about that sort of stuff...i'm sure they just sit there and laugh which is why he thinks it's ok. Besides that he really is a great guy, he's not afraid to say things around me which is why we butt-heads at times or i catch him saying something totally unacceptable. I just want him to realize for himself that it makes him look bad, and i think he's starting to make an effort in not saying that stuff at least when we are together. Whenever he says something negative i normally point out something similar about white people, so we'll see where it goes but i'm not breaking up with him.

Yeah that's a start, but like I said earlier I seriously doubt that his black friend are present when he throws around the -n- word. Does he joke about sucking dick? Highly doubtful. Why? Because he's not gay. If he wasn't racist on some inner level he wouldn't be compelled to tell his "jokes" (which as mentioned earlier are nothing more than incredibly ignorant and cowardly statements). I wonder if sexist comments are "jokes" too? Well you're a big girl, and you know what you're doing. Just don't kid yourself about the underlying causes of outward expressions like his. Outward manifestations point to a deeper root.

On a lighter note every time I eat pho now I think about the conversation we had a few months back where you mentioned that you help run your family's restaurant, lol.

if he makes black jokes---have sex with a black guy
if he makes mexican jokes---have sex with a mexican guy
if he makes indian jokes---have sex with an indian guy
if he makes asian jokes---have sex with an asian guy

i think you got the point>

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah that's a start, but like I said earlier I seriously doubt that his black friend are present when he throws around the -n- word. Does he joke about sucking dick? Highly doubtful. Why? Because he's not gay. If he wasn't racist on some inner level he wouldn't be compelled to tell his "jokes" (which as mentioned earlier are nothing more than incredibly ignorant and cowardly statements). I wonder if sexist comments are "jokes" too? Well you're a big girl, and you know what you're doing. Just don't kid yourself about the underlying causes of outward expressions like his. Outward manifestations point to a deeper root.

On a lighter note every time I eat pho now I think about the conversation we had a few months back where you mentioned that you help run your family's restaurant, lol.

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Thanks, yeah i hope he realizes how wrong he is SOON, because i don't like it AT ALL. And i'm still doing the pho thing..haha it's only fun about 5% of the time lol

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Originally Posted by NytNrs&Mmartist [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if he makes black jokes---have sex with a black guy
if he makes mexican jokes---have sex with a mexican guy
if he makes indian jokes---have sex with an indian guy
if he makes asian jokes---have sex with an asian guy

i think you got the point>

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No thank you, i'm not a cheater.

you don't deal with a racist parter, you leave him.

he clearly has no respect for other people. there are things you can joke about but race is not, was not and never will be one of them. don't try to change him, he grew up that way. he will only pull you down and the mere fact that you are still with him means you already are making compromises when it comes to racism. I'm sorry but it's never acceptable.

I don't think that anyone should take the hyper-sensitive American stance when it comes to racial remarks. Jokes are jokes, and sometimes they can be funny. Even a statement, when the mood is right, can be humorous. I'm not against such things, but for him to make non-humorous statements all the time and for them to be as nasty and disrespectful as they seem to be is the real problem.

I do think that chirping is right in that this is a result of his upbringing at home or his school/work surroundings in the past. It will definitely be hard for him to break, especially if he doesn't view it as a problem.

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Originally Posted by chirping [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you don't deal with a racist parter, you leave him.

he clearly has no respect for other people. there are things you can joke about but race is not, was not and never will be one of them. don't try to change him, he grew up that way. he will only pull you down and the mere fact that you are still with him means you already are making compromises when it comes to racism. I'm sorry but it's never acceptable.

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Actually i'm not compromising anything, just because he has problems doesn't mean i do. That's what someone caring does, they help...not abandon and no i don't feel the need to leave him. He's not doing anything to hurt me personally. I've been taking classes the last 2 years learning about the history and origin of where racism, sexism, and classism start so i'm pretty well informed, THAT'S why i'm SO bothered by it.

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think that anyone should take the hyper-sensitive American stance when it comes to racial remarks. Jokes are jokes, and sometimes they can be funny. Even a statement, when the mood is right, can be humorous. I'm not against such things, but for him to make non-humorous statements all the time and for them to be as nasty and disrespectful as they seem to be is the real problem.

I do think that chirping is right in that this is a result of his upbringing at home or his school/work surroundings in the past. It will definitely be hard for him to break, especially if he doesn't view it as a problem.

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Well even though he's mixed like i said, he grew up in a very white christian home and now lives in an uppity suburban white neighborhood. For ex: i drove kinda crazy outta his neighborhood one day just as a joke because we'll swerve the car to scare each other (yes, we are aware that it might look like we are drunk, we only do it when no one is around). Anyway i was alone this time driving away from his house as he was leaving to go somewhere and he got all weird and told me not to do that IN HIS neighborhood, because his neighbors would freak out....note: no one was around at the time. He's very unaware of the underlying messages in the comments that he makes.

good for you for taking one racist off the dating market. i'm sure many other girls would thank you.

It is part of his (twisted) value system. He is not going to change, so you might have to move on.