Parents disapproves of my girlfriend BIG time!!!

Hey everyone I'll keep the story as short as possible.

I'm 28 Chinese, only child living at home with parents who are very traditional.
Migrated with parents to Australia since I was 8 years old and have been living in Sydney
ever since. I speak (1)English and Mandarin. My parents speak minimal English.

My girlfriend is 28 Vietnamese, She's been in Australia since she was 11. Her dad
disappeared/ran away when she was 7 years old and hasn't been seen since. She came to
Australia with her mum and lives with her grandparents and aunty. She has a strained
relationship with her mum and doesn't speak Mandarin. She speaks (1)English, Vietnamese
and Cantonese.

She's more independent than I am, I'm still more or less of a momma's boy.
We've been friends for almost 2 months b4 we started dating, it's been 3 months now.
I met her thru a social gathering function.

I've had an incling that my mum doesn't like her when she came over for bike riding
and table tennis (when we were just friends) so I lied about a road trip during Easter
that I took my girlfriend on to the outback saying that I'm going out on a road trip with
my high school friends (all guys). Because if they'd knew they would never have allow me to go.
But they found out through my ill-considered plan and all hell broke loss.

They want me to end the relationship immediately, saying she's brainwashed me, she's not
good/compatible for me. She's selfish, inconsiderate and can't speak Mandarin, it's like
having a foreigner as a daughter-in-law. Her family is messed up and not normal,
what if you two have kids and then she runs away like her dad. And other irrational
presumptions that I won't mention.

They say they'll disown me, sell the house and move back to China if I don't break up with
her. They can't accept the fact that she did not grow up in a normal family surrounding.
The main reasion they think she's selfish is because the road trip took longer than we
anticipated. So we spent 4 days of the 5 days Easter long weekend outside b4 we came back.

I was dating other girls when we were just friends, but she asked me to be exclusive with
her which I happily obliged to do, my parents ask me why I don't like the other girls who
are Chinese and can speak Mandarin, I say I don't click with them the way I do with her.

I've asked them to have lunch together with her but my parents refused, saying there's no
need. My dad hasn't even met her yet, my mum's only seen her one time and says she's got
a small head (which she does) but I like her not for her looks but her personality brains and wit.
If I am a Sheldon Cooper then she'd be as close to the female version of that, just like Elaine
and Jerry Seinfeld but not that so similar that it's freaky.

I think I've listed enough stuff for now, I really like my girlfriend and don't want to
leave her, but my parents are driving me crazy, their ideal girlfriend would be someone
who can speak Mandarin and who's parents are not divorced. It's really affecting my
relationship with her. I know they mean no harm and are just been very protective of me.

But are my parents over-reacting? What should and shouldn't I do?

Thanks for reading
So bloody stressed

First of all, I feel so sorry for you.
Hmm, this is really hard since your parents are really strict and very traditional.
You haven't gone out with her for long time and your mum is judging her so much and thinking way too much into the future..
Your mum is over reacting and judging your gf way too much!! She really need to get to know her better.
Hmm, if your mum likes girls who speaks Mandarin then maybe your gf can learn to speak Mandarin?
Maybe ask your gf over to your house for lunch and your parents can get to know her better?

So your parents are racist, controlling and are using threats and coercion to interfere in your personal life. Call their bluff. Next time they say they're going to sell the house and move back to China, say "Go for it."

Your parents need to chill. I bet they are bluffing when they said they will disown you. But even if they will do that...so what? You are 28, you should have graduated from school and have a job by now. So, why are you so worried about them disowning you? You are not a child.

IMO parents should love their children unconditionally. If I was you I'd remain firm that you want to be with your GF and request they respect your wishes. Unfortunately (but not in all cases) mums tend to be protective of their sons and she would probably have a problem with any girl you chose, regardless of race there would always be something because no one is good enough for her 'little boy'. I don't really know what advice to offer sorry. All I would do if I was you is continue to reiterate your position and hope that they come around. It isn't a nice position to be in but can you live your life based on your parents wishes and not your own?

My father has disowned me....4 times. Seriously, he disliked a lot of the decisions I have made but he came to accept that it was my decision as an adult. I understand your traditions are different than ours in the US, however, one has to take this seriously...Do you love her? Do you see a long life with her? Is she worth risking your relationship with your parents in any way?

I can't say that I love her, but I'm falling in love and I do see a future with her
Funny how you mentioned strict Saya because my name in Chinese does actually mean strict.
But I'm totally opposite of that, really carefree and likes to joke around
Is she worth my relationship with my parents? That's a hard question to answer
She's a very logical, reasonable, smart and considerate person, my parents are very
old fashioned, always talking about the Cultural Revolution and how lucky I am now.
And how they weren't allowed to go for a trip by just the two of them when they were dating.

I'm not so stressed now, it can either go one way or the other, there are no alternate universe.
Like Liu Kang said "Every man is responsible for his own destiny" :)

If your parents are very traditional, I wouldn't take their threat to disown you too lightly. Yes they are overreacting and being irrational. Which is why I would hesitate to follow the advice of people telling you to call their bluff.

On a side note, my mums gf is from Laos and has been here in Aus about 20 years. I can't remember what we were talking about but all of a sudden she was saying "noooo they're not Asian" in reference to Chinese people. There were only a few of countries (Laos and Vietnam being 2 of them) that she accepted as properly Asian. Sure she was mostly joking but I got the distinct impression there was a kernel of truth there. I was honestly surprised by her attitude. It sounds like your parents are of the same but opposite opinion.

I am sorry for your situation, and have no real advice for you.

you are 28...which in any culture is an age of reason...

If it can help you my young neighbour let his mother pick his wife. They are now divorced with one very young child...proof that parents don't always know more or better.

You are 28 years old and still living at home? Perhaps that's why your parents think they can dominate you becuase you're not acting like an adult. Why not move out, get your own place and live your own life? And then your parents to stop interfering with your life.

Thank you all for responding, even though I'm 28 already, I'm still very much a momma's boy.
All of this stress has contributed in me lossing my current job, to which I have told no one of.
Nothing has changed since 2 months ago, my parents are trying to set me up with daughters of our relative's friends

I've met one of them just for the sake of meeting her, my girlfriend doesn't know this because
I don't want her to be even more disappointment at my parents. Now this girl is 4 years younger than me,
came here to study her Masters and have been in Australia for half a year. She speaks jack all english,
I have to converse with her in Chinese which is a struggle at times. I don't feel any attraction towards her,
though her parents are good friends with my aunty and uncle. Her family is quite well off and has multiple properties
in China.

Now my parents are trying to get me to go out with her again. I told them I'm not interested in her because her
facial features are quite odd. That's not enough, they think I'm only putting her off because of my gf. I asked her
if she likes Australia, she says not really, she prefers China. But no her parents likes Australia and if I court her
more, she might actually think about staying here. Does this sound ever so familiar to you?

The main reason my parents want me to break up with my gf is because of her non-conventional upbringing
her dad ran away when she was only 7 years old, due to family pressure. Her mum has an illness and could not
take care of her, so her mum re-married and had her stay with her grandparents.

I don't know how to break the news to my parents, I'm 100% certain that they will blame my girlfriend
for my job loss and tell me to not go out with her. Of course I will find another job, it's only a matter of time.
I feel like I'm walking down this dead end road and just want to give up.

Yours Sincerely
Ge

Some parents takes awhile to accept that their son/daughter is dating out of ther own ethnicity or race.
It may be the case.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jediknight4ever [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She speaks jack all english,
I have to converse with her in Chinese which is a struggle at times. I don't feel any attraction towards her,
though her parents are good friends with my aunty and uncle.

Yours Sincerely
Ge

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Good enough reason to tell your parents this.

Maybe bring home (pretend) another girl and see how your parents react to that. Especially if she is totally from another race or ethnicty. (get a female friend to play this role) It may change their mind quickly.
Worst case scenario tell them your gay. Then they are going to wish for your girlfriend back.


Sometimes in life you cant please your parents no matter what. If you let go your girlfriend, would one day when you look back at your life would you regret it? It can haunt you. Ultimately its your life. You need to work on being more assertive. These types of things with parents happen with alot of people not just you of course.

This sounds like a culture clash to me. Your parents have their culture. I think by being controlling, they are trying to get you out of the house, on your own, without saying that and hurting your feelings.

In the US, it is our custom that if you live with your parents, and don't pay any bills, you abide by their rules. If you pay half the bills, then you can make your own rules. Act like an adult, and you get to have your own life.

I think it's time to find another job, wait 6 months to make sure the job is stable, then move out. Save up your money.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bulrush [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you pay half the bills, then you can make your own rules. .

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I don't think this is an American tradition. If you want to make up your own rules, you have to be completely independent.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think this is an American tradition. If you want to make up your own rules, you have to be completely independent.

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This. If you're living with someone else in any capacity, you're not going to be able to make your own rules by default.

I sometimes wish that I would get hit by a truck, see god who tells me it's not my time yet and end up in a Hospital.
Get my job back, my girlfriend and my parents all happy and cheery. But that only happens in movies...

Be mindful that my Asian parents are very traditional, they think she's a slut because we slept together 2 months
after we've met (we've been friends for 6 weeks and then secretly dated for 2 weeks). She actually pushed back
having sex, but I insisted on our road trip. Not that my parents are gonna believe me anyway. Even though she's
a pretty out there and fun seeking type of person, she's also very disciplined. But not according to my parents.
Why? Because of her family background, they're just so adament that she's not a good person and will be trouble
once we get married and get divorced indefinitely.

I just tell them I will not break up with her simply because you don't approve of her.

My dad hasn't even met her and doesn't want to meet her at all. My mum only briefly met her.
I have pretty much given up trying to reason with them, cause there's not much point.

Can anyone suggest some logical and feasible ways for them to stop interfering in my personal affairs?

Thanks

I'm in a culturally mixed relationship so I can understand how tough this must me. Unfortunately, the only way to be with her is to "break the rules". That is the only way you'll set the future standards they have for you. My boyfriend had to move out of state when he was younger to start breaking those boundaries. Once we met he just laid it down that if his mother didn't accept me or that he was in love, than he wouldn't speak to them. It worked. His family accepted me from the moment we met. Only because he had to set the rules ahead of time. Most of his siblings have had pre arranged marriages and have 3 kids at this point. Another friend of mine decided the only way to change things was to move out.
If you are a mama's boy, than she will eventually cave. You can't live the rest of your live to PLEASE her. You gotta stand up as hard as it may be at first. If you dance around it, you'll get caught in more lies. Be the man she expects you to be.

It's not so much as a cultural thing than it is a family orientation thing.
Since my parents' relatives, who are from single parent families are all divorced.
They bestow these scenarios towards my gf and that is what I can't accept.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jediknight4ever [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's not so much as a cultural thing than it is a family orientation thing.
Since my parents' relatives, who are from single parent families are all divorced.
They bestow these scenarios towards my gf and that is what I can't accept.

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There's only one way to deal with this: Quit talking about her to your parents, get a job and move out. Be a man and live your live with the woman you love.

Yeah...your parents will be very, very mad at you and you will break all the rules of tradition and family.....yada yada yada...i get it...but whos life is this?

Your parents sound ridiculous. As a result of immigrating to another country and away from China, they should have accepted the fact that you would date, and probably find a mate that was a foreigner. If I were them I would have accepted in advance that you would one day marry an Australian. Maybe she is Vietnamese, but they can't expect you to only date Chinese girls if you live in Australia. Tell them that by making the decision to move their lives onto foreign soil, they already made the decision for you that you would one day marry a foreigner. They can't be so small minded and expect everything to revolve around them.

On a side note, let me ask you guys a little riddle

boy1 (not me) really likes girl1, but girl1 doesn't like boy1 in that way
boy1 feels sad and confides in his friend girl2, girl2 comforts him

please help me finish this riddle?

At 28 you need to be more independent. Find a new job, get a place of your own, start paying your own bills. As long as you keep living in your parents' house and they are paying for everything, in their mind you are still their little boy who they have 100% control over. I respect that culturally your parents view things very differently. I have Chinese friends who grew up in China and are working in the UK and your parents' reaction sounds familiar to what they were telling me they go through from time to time.

Accept that it is a cultural thing; not a reaction that truly reflects your girlfriend's character. Their reaction does not mean she is not right for you especially given the reasons they gave you to convince you not to be with her, ie.'she has a small head'-so what?If you like it then that's all there is to it!!! ;-)

Her not speaking Mandarin is barely an issue:I am sure she could learn the language if you explained why it is important to you. Other than that, your parents will have to accept your decision. But in order for that to happen you have to prove to them that you can be your own person and support yourself.Then maybe they would not worry so much about you and desperately try to find you a 'suitable' bride because they think you are not mature enough to find one yourself.It will take time but don't you want to be able to make your own decisions?

I inadvertently broke up with her last week. I don’t think I even knew what I was doing until it was too late. She was very hurt and distraught. I realised what a terrible mistake I’ve made, I’m really dying inside, I don’t want to live with myself. I called her and she told me it’s over, she can’t see us going back anymore, because she doesn’t see me the way she once did. I chose my parents before her and she can’t take that chance anymore.

I asked her if she still loves me, she paused, her eyes became watery but she didn’t cry, she actually smiled and said happily that she don’t love me, I don’t believe her. I’ve been trying to tell myself that it’s all for the better, I just want her to be happy and even though being with her has been the happiest moments of my life, it has also been very stressful with my parent’s relentless taunts and threats.

Something happened with my mum the night b4 the break up, I can’t say what but it was pretty bad. I guess I acted in the interest of the safety of both parties at the time. She has now muted me on facebook. I know she still cares about me but she doesn’t want to love me anymore. A part of me just wants to move on and stop hurting her, myself and everyone involved. The other part just wants to be with her no matter what.

I feel so empty and alone, I can’t concentrate at work and I can’t sleep properly. There’s that feeling of a thousand spears piercing my heart and a tonne of bricks weighing it down. I know the best thing to do is to not bother her and just give each other some time and space, but it’s harder said than done. Everywhere I go, I see things that remind me of her.

My parents are still trying to set me up with that fob girl; I had a fight with my mum about it again last night. I’ll never be able to live my life and make my own decisions/mistakes if I stay at home. I have found a new job and this is my 4th week, I am planning on move out when I’m confident that I’ve secured this position. I highly doubt that she would move in with me now given all that has transpired. One can only hope for the best and expect the worst.

So what should and shouldn’t I do from this point forward?

Thanks for reading

hey, sorry to hear u going thru such mess. but ill say only this. im a gal who is independent and a lil modern, my ex was just like u. but i changed for him bcoz i really loved him. he enede up being engaged to someone else. im really upset, n i still want him, even if he comes back one day ill take him. n i can do anything in this world to keep him n his family happy. if this gal ur dating is like wat im, if u think she is the right person, then do make ur parents understand somehow. bcoz if u break her heart, she will be really broken n im talking thru experiance, n try to understand her. if u really love her then there shudnt be a prblem. n if u think dat this gal can give ur parents all the hapiness then go ahead n be with her, in time ur parents will understand y u made that choice wen ur galfrnd turns out to be wat they ever wanted.

i hope dat helps, n u have all the hapiness there is

I've been to that exact situation before. I regretted part of it but it does have its own merits. I, for one will never marry anyone from china... EVER! Even if that is my ethnicity, too much bad review from everyone I know who lived there. I had a non-chinese gf before and had to end it as well since my parents wanted me to look for a chinese. They keep telling me about that culture clash nonsense. To which I told them that if it were true, people who marry into their own culture wouldn't be fighting and/or having divorce which generally shuts them up. Finally, I realized that its just not fair for my ex-gf if she gets treated as a second class person in the family and my relatives just because she's not chinese, so in the end I let her go.