I know there will be no 'right' answer as people are different. I just wanna know your experience.
For me, I've been doing NC for 9 days. And it gets harder each day. For the first few days I was still fine (maybe because of anger). But the anger slowly disappear and replace by longing. I've tried to remember all the bad things she did to me, doing everything to distract myself, doesn't work. I miss her more and more. Thoughts/advice, please. Thanks.
I'm in the same boat, at first it was fine (day 8 of NC for me) then I realized he's really not coming back and it sinks in and you just feel awful....hang in there though, ive been through this before but it took over a month
I'm 2.5 months in and not much better. I mean, I don't cry every night anymore but I miss him oh so much and he is on my mind atleast 3 times a day. But he didn't give a clear cut, he called it a break and the times we've spoken since then (3 times) he kept hinting for a future so it's probably not the regular break up..
Well it's officially been a week of NC for me as well...Not long but it honestly feels like it's been a year. I don't know how long this pain and longing is suppose to last but I hope it doesn't last soon. I don't know how much longer I can take with wanting to wait for him even though I know the reality of it....he's never coming back.
I still wait to hear some news from his family (his family still wants to keep in contact now and again) but so far nothing as of yet. I'm getting anxious and always want to cry when i'm alone....
I can't wait for this to be over so I can move on...I just want to forget everything...
Yes it's hard.. At 31 I have to start my life all over again. It's also starting to affect my work and I got complain from my boss. If only I can fast forward this episode of my life..
Any successful stories here? Please share..
Not sure what you would term 'success', but I have two divorces and several 'relationships' that bit the dust and the best I can say is I survived to love another day, until a death came into the picture, and I'm not sure I'll ever get up from that. While there is life there is hope. Maybe of reconcilliation, or some sort of understanding commuting the sentence, or even possibility of seeing how lucky an escape when, years later, your 'heartbreaker' turns into a pumpkin beside the prince you finally meet. Life provides healing and hope, you just have to go out and live it. The longer you stagnate in a puddle of regret, the longer the healing process takes. You search for the positives, they are always there. not the least of which is the opportunity to change a life path that was not working (or it would not have failed)Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss_winter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
But there is no greater kick in the guts than death that shouldn't happen. So the silver lining there is that it makes all else pale by comparison. On to that you must add, 'count whatever blessings you have and be prepared to get on with it'. Love has many faces and only love can hurt as bad as it gets. Missing out on love is a greater loss than losing it andiIt is true (and possibly 'trite') to say that the greater the love the greater the hurt. Out of it all comes life experience and greater tolerance and understanding of what it is to be human. Only Humans have the capacityto hurt and dwell on it to the detriment of their future. Other animals live in the 'now' and make the very best of that that they can. We would not have the luxury of such misery if we didn't have the capacity to reason and make choices beyond basic instincts. and not the least of those faulty choices is over-riding our basic instincts, to form incompatible alliances in the first place! And then not having the perseverence to stand by our decisions.
So failure is a luxury option as well when it comes to giving up on a relationship. It always takes two to make it and break it. So whatever caused you to lose your love, accept half the blame and forgive yourself ( you can work on forgiving the other half later) DON'T torture yourself about what you did to 'make them leave', whatever it was you were goaded to do it by some imperfection of theirs, or what the lifestyle of being with them entailed. So you failed them, and they failed to accept your imperfection or recognize their own. Or vice versa. Frustrating. Complicated. The what if's and if onlys bend and twist in your mind til you want ot go mad with the mystery of it. WHY? you ask. Yet avoid admitting the simple truth. You didn't count on the boring bits and didn't commit 'warts and all', just provisionally. (or at least one of you didn't) Logic begs the question: WHEN ONE IS ONLY HUMAN, THEREFORE IMPERFECT, HOW CAN THEY LOGICALLY EXPECT PERFECTION FROM A PARTNER? Having too much choice now gives us too little tolerance. So we learn, or we don't, there's edless suffering out there for repeat offenders.
What do you gain from all that pain, blame and faillure? With luck, the wisdom to do better next time. How long do you expect to suffer? Depends how long it takes to to get out of the past, fix what you can of the Now and decide that the futures still has purpose and challenge.I don't think this is very comforting for you guys, but just try to distract youselves from the misery of the moment with a life challenge of some sort. Do physical work, jump in the deep end, and achieve against all odds. NOw you will smarten yourself up and get back out there. Life will only deliver what you earn from it. There are no free rides to loving yourself, and if you don't, no one else will either.
I understand why people do no contact. But I don't believe in it. Here's why.
The fact that you have to purposely erase someone from existence in and of itself is damaging. It's giving that person far too much power over you. Think about it: You've allowed the person to hurt you so much that you can't even acknowledge his or her existence. That's a slippery slope. No contact isn't an answer. It's the opposite of an answer, in fact. It's running away from the problem.
I think the best measure of action is to detach yourself from the situation. Don't purposely ignore your ex, but don't actively pursue him or her either. Simply step back. If he or she calls, and you feel like talking, be civil and have a normal conversation. Keep it short but polite. Don't make any promises about anything. Keep your emotions in check. In short, treat him or her like a random acquaintance. I'm sure someone will come on here and say, "But me ex *isn't* just a normal acquaintance." That's false. When you aren't in a relationship, and you've just been dumped, your ex is just another human walking the street. So treat him or her as such. Treat him or her politely, just like any other person you'd come across in your day to day life. Don't stoop to his or her level. Which is what you do when you pretend another person doesn't exist.
What this doesn't take into account is if your ex is outright malicious. In this case, you should definitely just ignore him or her. Which is exactly what you'd do to any other person who treated you as such.
Treat your ex no better or worse than anyone else, and then you'll truly be able to move on. Because you've acknowledged the situation - your relationship is over - and you've acknowledged that your life can still be a happy one.
As long as you keep doing the No Contact thing, you're allowing your ex to continue to have power over you.
Interesting point of view.Quote:
Originally Posted by HDBadger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
But being detached is hard. Especially when I'm still in love with her. Maybe when my feeling for her has completely gone away - or at least the biggest portion of it, I might be able to do it. I'm afraid if I start to contact her now, I won't be able to stop and will get hurt again.
I have 7 exes, and I can be friends with 5 of them. While the other two (the first ex - we broke up on 1998 and the last - broke up a month and a half ago), it's a different story. Maybe because I love them too much it's hard to see them as a normal acquaintances.. :(
My girlfriend left me nearly four months ago and we have, by and large, been no contact for the last two (we have occasionally contacted each other, almost exclusively for non-relationship reasons).
It is so, so hard, and I honestly don't know if it helps or not. When she calls it breaks my heart to hear her voice and know I am going back to my room to sleep alone again, but when she doesn't call it hurts just as much. We moved to a foreign country together after two and a half years together, with the aim of starting a life and a family in the near future. Four months on, I still love her with everything I have, and it is so unbearably painful to think that she is just moving forwards when it is such an effort for me to even get out of bed without her.
I suppose what is worst is that she hasn't shown one moment of weakness. Not one evening when she has phoned to say sorry, to say she misses me (even if it means nothing more than that). I have prayed to see her, just once, show me that this has hurt her too even though she has left for reasons that are right for her. So in that sense, no contact doesn't help.
Sorry if this doesn't inspire much hope in others.
I completely disagree, NC is what allows you to get over it quicker. Eliminate the source of the pain, and the pain will stop sooner. You don't go walking around on a busted ankle because you accept its broken, you stop using it completely until its healed. Same idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by HDBadger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You give your ex the power by going crying back to them and begging for another chance, NC is a way of saying "I don't need you, I'm better off without you".
NC is probably the better way i think,when you dont hear from them,see them or no nothing about what they are doing then how can you get hurt more? yes when you dont speak or hear from them its hurts and you miss them but the pain isnt as much as when you do speak or hear from them.
From my personal experience i can honestly say NC is better,I feel ok but still hurting,but when she came to mine the other day and i spoke to her for only 5 minutes then i felt as though i was back to sqaure 1 again,it was like she had just reopened my wounds. Ive been Nc for a week or 2 now and it kills me,i just want to talk to her,she does txt me though but i have to ignore or ill get even more hurt,unless its important then i wont reply. I wish i knew how long it would take to heal but everyone is different,im 7 weeks in my break up and i still feel as though were together,that destroys me,and thats because we kept contact for the 1st 4-5 weeks,then it was LC and i did start to pick up a little bit,Now its full NC and its hurting me even though she has txt,i did fail today i admit,i replied to 1 of her txts because i needed something of mine from her house,i told her i would be 1 hour,i txt her when i set off,then i txt her when i got to hers,guess what,no reply,she never came to the door so i didnt get my stuff back. Got me mad that has lol. But i think she maybe sleeping so i wont start name calling or anything,ill just leave her to it now.
Nicely put. Although NC sucks, but I think it's for the best. Looking back, I was really depressed because after broke up with her I was still living together with her for a month. Seeing her growing more and more distant, hearing over and over again that she doesn't want me anymore, hurt more than going NC. Yes, I feel lonely and empty without her now. But I don't feel as worthless and shitty as before when I still see her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
So, Cerby, do you have any experience towards NC? How long does it take you until you feel better?
No one said anything about begging for another chance. And, if you want to go with the ankle analogy, you don't pretend a broken ankle doesn't exist. Nor do you cut it off. Which is what you do when you pull the NC thing.
Look, I'm not saying NC doesn't work for some people, because it obviously does. Nor am I saying someone should keep contact with an ex who is being malicious. I'm not even saying to be friends with an ex.
But there are plenty of threads around here that are titled: "NC for xx months, still not over him/her"
Of course not, because pretending a problem doesn't exist usually isn't a solution. When you learn to treat an ex decently if not nicely, then you have proved that you are above his or her nonsense, are in a healthy state of mind, and you are the person that has it all together, despite his or her crappy behavior.
4 weeks is what it took of NC to get over my ex, deleted her facebook, blocked her number. For a while she was calling me and texting me to see how I was doing, and all I found is that I was getting false hope and the wounds just weren't closing while she was talking to me. This is why I don't like HDBadgers idea, because I've been there, done that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss_winter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I talk to my ex now, 6 months later, but thats because I used NC to get over the wave of emotion. Once I moved on and felt that I was getting value out of my own life again, then contact was re-initiated. We'll never be good friends, but we'll always be acquiantances. I firmly believe NC is needed to get over it, and I don't think you're empowering your ex, you're doing what it takes to get over it.Quote:
Originally Posted by HDBadger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yep. Choose not to let it affect your work.Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss_winter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I'm going through the same situation. Your career is probably the only thing you can control right now. Make sure you do.
NC sucks but its for the best.. It's like taking bitter medicine. My NC was for about a year.. Well she sorta wished me happy birthday on my birthday and I replied and that was the end of it, though I don't know if that's considered breaking NC but no conversation continued after that.. Back to the topic, I went NC from March until well.. Right now. First month is PURE HELL.. It's the month where I was cracking, bursting, raging etc.. Second month, I decided to bring in some self-improvement.. And the third month pretty much gained momentum.
I felt during NC that just about anything that boosts my self-esteem had helped heaps.. And it even has its long term benefits (eg. working out) My abs are harder now. And well, I usually don't prevent myself from thinking of her.. When the thought comes, I just sorta embrace it, be it anger or sadness whatever. Also found reading forums and certain how-to websites useful.
Half of the time of your relationship :-), you won't even feel anything when you see his/ her pictures lol. That's me.
Just an update,
After 2 weeks went NC, I feel much better. Hanging out with close friends has helped me a lot. Right after I felt better on day 14, she texted me (on day 15). What a timing, huh? At first I was hesitant in replying her text. But then I took that risk since I was already feel better. She told me she's depressed and sad etc etc (mind you, she's the dumper). I text her back, we chat for awhile. But I didn't show/tell her I was also depressed and missed her like crazy. On the contrary, I gave her word of encouragement (she's a strong woman, she will get through this, etc). And she asked me to meet up the next day (which is today). And I went to see her.
The weird thing is, when I see her, my heart wasn't pounding. As if it's numb. She looks awful, sad, and depressed. And she cried a few times. Seeing her like that gave me a sense of joy (I feel bad saying this, but honestly that's how I felt). Finally, she hits rock bottom just like I did for the past 1,5 months. She told me (while crying) she was sorry for cheating on me, for ruining us. She also told that I made her happy for the whole 3,5 years we were together. I just sat and listen. I told her, I forgive her. And this made her cry even harder. For the first time, I feel so powerful.
In some of the conversation, she mentioned about the woman she cheated on me with. She said she couldn't see herself being with her, blah blah blah. It still hurts to hear her mentioned that woman's name, but then for some weird reasons, I feel like there's a wall protecting my heart from being affected by it. She also mentioned the possibilities of us to get back together again. But I won't let myself fall into the trap of false hope. I told her, I don't know what will happen in the future and refuse to talk about it farther.
Before I went home, I hug her and she cried again. Me? I didn't shed a single tear. (Looking back, I was the one who begged her to stay and literally holding onto her knees while I was begging and crying so hard)
Now I'm home, I feel relieved. I don't plan to contact her, but if she contact me again, I will reply casually while still being detached (now I know how to do it).
Thank you all for taking the time to read this thread and gave me advice. It really helps a lot! :)
Keep up the optimism and stay strong!
You still have emotions and feelings and you will experience a rollercoaster of emotions, but all i can say it will eventually get better and you will look back and realise it was for the best, although at the moment you probably don’t think so.