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OK, so i am wondering if you just cut off contact with an ex (one that still obviously has feelings for you... possibly very very deep down, somewhere!) does he wonder about you and miss you? if you are trying to win him back is this the best method, by trying to give him space and time to miss you or let him know how you feel and reminding him you love him???
1. No contact = I am NOT interested in you.
2. Forget about letting him know just HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT HIM. He knows. They always know.
3. Give him "some space", obviously, but I think you need to convey in no uncertain terms that you are (still) interested in him. Sooner rather than later. Failing that, it will be construed as no interest on your part, as per item 1 hereinabove.
No contact is a method of moving on, not winning an ex back. There are tons of articles out there that state "no contact" works, but in reality, its a way to win win.
You either no contact and get over it, then you don't care about them anymore, or you go no contact and they miss and want you back. Go with the first one. No Contact for the win.
No contact.....if they truly miss you, they will come back to you, if not, then you've had time to move on.
Not to be rude but... no. You're wrong. Your tenet is wrong an all levels. To see this clearly try applying it to marriage, non-romantic friendship, etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
While you can and should give the other person breathing space, you can't manipulate people into showing affection to you. Sooner or later they will see through your tricks and give you the taste of your own medicine. What then? Will YOU come back? Or will you come up with another gambit?
wow sixpakj, it wasn't a long post by smackie and you still didn't read the whole thing. No contact is good because you either move on in time or they come back. At no point are you manipulating anything. If anything, you're moving on and leaving the door open to be contacted by the ex.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sixpacj [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Also not trying to be rude, but it wasn't that hard of a concept to understand. . .
Hm... what escaped me in that shortish post, if you don't mind? I might learn me something new, pray tell... ;-)
Following your logic: let's assume 4 months have passed of no contact, in accordance with your recipe. To my mind, and please correct me if I am wrong, two mutually exclusive things may have happened. You either:
1. HAVE moved on, in which case if the other person does come back it will be in vain (cause you have truly moved on), or:
2. You HAVE NOT moved on, and if the other person comes back, you take them on. In which case you have wasted at least 3 months' time.
If you want to move on, you cut all contact. But then do not wait for the other person to come round. If you cut all contact, it WILL be construed as your moving on. If the guy still has any feelings for you, he will likely kill them cause you obviously do not care for him any more (you are moving on, remember?)
There is no point "trying to move on" if you don't really want to do it.
This "no contact" tactic is a gambit from "The Rules" based on the assumption of lower value of the woman vs the man. Not my idea, mind you, read the preface to the book, please, before you flame me. The manipulation part of it consists in creating a false sense of scarcity in the partner to make him "appreciate the woman more" (all stemming from the founding myth of the book, i.e. inferiority of females vs males). The rule saying that "you value what you have worked for" is backwards-rationalised into "I want him to value me (because I do not value myself), so I will make him work for my attention/affection." Sorry if this offends you, but AT SOME STAGE, SOONER RATHER THAN LATER, YOU MUST TELL THE GUY YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HIM. If he does not get this, he WILL bail.
Aside from the "moral" inadequacy of the principle, it is impractical, too. Imagine a marriage in which there is no straightforward communication but "waiting it out".
"I will sulk and sulk until he 'figures out' what is wrong on his own." NO MAN WANTS TO BE IN THIS POSITION.
It doesn't make him miss you. If you can convince him that you don't care anymore then his ego will be bruised so he might try to get your attention.
Wow, you've really read into this. My concern is that you've built your opinion on a book called "The Rules" which is really just another persons opinion on paper, then telling me that I need to understand the preface of the book to understand your 100% correct idea of the concept. I'd quote my own last post but I won't bother.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sixpacj [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
No Contact is a simple recovery strategy (as stated by more than one person above). You go no contact to move on, you don't go no contact to get someone back (if you do, then you're doing it wrong). And during your recovery, if that person decides they want you back, then the option is there if you're still hurting. The reason why its win win is not because you're manipulating, its because no matter the outcome, you feel better at the end in a reasonable amount of time. As for comparing it to friendships, marriages, and active relationships. . .I don't even think you have any idea what you're talking about, you're not trying to "get over" these people, so its completely different.
You can't paint an orange red and call it an apple, we're talking breakup strategy, not marriage strategy.
Being a male in this pretty much exact situation, I say yes. It's downright killing me inside.
Wow....you guys have confused me even more! (And they say women are hard to figure out!)
Soo...if you want to get back together but also want him to realize that he loves and misses you, you should not have any contact what-so-ever? Or is the no contact thing just if you want to break up?
Lets assume that your bf/gf broke up with you. At that time you likely professed how much you love them and tried to convince them that breaking up is not the thing to do and you kept trying to convince them to come back to you. The worse thing you can do is chase someone who is running away from you, it just makes them run further and faster. Remember, you've already told them how much you want them to stay with you (if you actually do).
So: You now go no contact because up till now, your pleas have done nothing to convince them even though they know you still want them. During no contact you go cold turkey from him/her so that you recover from your grief due to the end of the relationship. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag on the cigarette. Just like you can't get over your ex if you keep having a 'drag' of of him/her. Cold turkey withdrawl is the only way to go.
In the meantime should your ex (due to zero contact) have time to reflect on what it's like without having you in their life, then they will contact you if they want to be with you again. You should NEVER anticipate that they will come back, never expect that they will and just carry on.
No contact is not a strategy to get someone back. It is a strategy to get over them and if during your healing they happen to come back then you can decide at that time if you are still wanting to go there again. If someone leaves you, then they have to come back voluntarily. Manipulating them to come back will only last until the same reason they broke up with you resurfaces once again.
Not if he doesn't want to be with you (he did break up with you) but, it will help you to get over him not wanting to be with you.Quote:
Does no contact make him miss you?
I think it's a fine line. Often times it is done to intice a chase I think. Perhaps if you try contacting them a bit, and see if they return the favor, they may have been doing the same thing you were doing. Kind of like a mis communication, you're both doing the no contact to make the other one miss you and come running back, just a matter of who stops running away first.
It's NOT about making the other one miss you and come running back. It's about getting on with your life. If the one the broke up with you is not communicating "I want you back" then you shouldn't be still in contact with them as it just stalls your healing process. It is up to them to come back and make the effort to come back on their own. You've likely already told them that you don't want to be broken up with, then they know that already so there is absolutely no point in continuing to contact (taking another drag on that cigarette and keeping the addiction going strong) if the one who broke up isn't actively seeking you out to reconcile.Quote:
Originally Posted by Starkiller [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Take a gander at the broken hearts sub-forum about all the people who kept trying and hoping that their ex would suddenly have a change of heart and take them back after keeping the dialogue going. Most (if not all of them) only started to feel better after they stopped all contact and began to accept that the relationship was over.
Using No Contact as a means of getting an ex to return is the folly of some E-book Bastige that wants to take the money of those desperate and vulnerable to any lame scheme that will take away their pain and longing for who left them.
I broke up with my ex. I did not contact her because guess what? I had no desire to contact her. Once it is over IT IS OVER and you children can play around with your no contact games until the cows come home . WHEN IT IS OVER IT'S OVER. LIKE FINISHED. GET IT?
Why do people have trouble understanding the purpose of no contact? Did you twits read wakeup's and Cerby's posts? or even take the time to carefully understand mine? We are not suggesting using "no contact" as a manipulative tool to make oneself desirable, but to use it as a cooling off period for both parties to sort things out. Not all break ups are permanent, but not all are salvageable. .....so again if you people would just take your time reading all what has been said in the thread, you will prevent yourself from looking like a total douche.
I'm an adult. If you break up with me and have no contact, it's over with us. There's a reason we broke up. I'm moving on, I will see other women. Period. End of story. I will never date you again, ever. I don't date people who play games.