Wife about to cheat, what to do

I think my wife is getting close to having sex with a guywill be the first time she has ever been unfaithful in 20 years not sure whatto do.

I monitor her computer and phone so I see all this communication. Two monthsago after learning she has been talking, texting, emailing a guy for over 6 monthsthat she met in a bar and the communication is progressing to a point where Iwas concerned as totally inappropriate flirting and he keeps asking to meet andmore I told her I knew about this (saw a text on her phone and showed it toher) asked her stop if she valued our marriage, family etc. that I could notstay with her is she had an affair.



She promised to stopall communication took him off Facebook for a few weeks then kept doing itbehind my back kept lying saying she wasn't. Finally she met the guy for lunchthe other day and the communication is daily now with her saying stuff like "youtake my breath away"...I fear the worst is about to happen. I talked toher again in a subtle way about how much she and the family meant to me andthat I felt she need to focus on the family and do what's right and stop doingthings to hurt the family and was not specific about what I know so I can keepmonitoring her. But since I confronted her once already with proof (phone textmessage) I feel like it wont matter she will keep trying to see this guy to apoint where they start having sex.

She says she needs a backup plan (start a job be independent) because she does not trust me as I screwed uphad an affair 5 years ago so I get that but it seems her back up plan is reallya new guy. I amclean now it was a one time in 20 year screw up for me and I learned from my mistakeI dont want her to do the same we have kids it will kill them. Whats odd is sheis super nice to me, we have sex almost every day tells me she loves memeanwhile she is pursuing this guy on the side.



Not sure how to handle this I want her to figure out this iswrong and stop with this guy. If I learnshe starts having sex I do not think I can stay with her and will have to divorceher but thats the last thing I want.

Well it sounds like you have made your point very clear to her already and she's just not interested in what you feel. She has her own agenda. You say you cheated on her once before, why don't you think back to how you felt/acted at that time? What would it have taken to stop you from cheating? Did she try to stop you and you ignored HER?

I'm not siding with her by the way, I don't think two wrongs make a right. She's probably justifying it in her head by the fact that you cheated on her, which is going to make it very hard to get her to see things clearly. If she doesn't trust you, she probably doesn't respect you and is probably still hurting from what YOU did. You guys need some counselling, if you (and her) are willing to go. While what she is doing is wrong, you are to blame here in some way too.

Doesn't really matter if she has sex with him or not, at this point she's already been cheating on you for months, emotionally. The marriage is already over, unless she willingly and consciously steps away from her emotional affair (that is about to turn into an emotional and physical one) and never looks back. But I don't see that happening, since she doesn't trust you nor respect you anymore.

I think you should either have a serious talk with her, in which you tell her you two should get counseling and really try your best to make things work, or you should tell her directly that you want a divorce.

It's either divorce now or divorce later but it's gonna happen. She clearly doesn't love you.

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Originally Posted by Redtail007 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not sure how to handle this I want her to figure out this iswrong and stop with this guy. If I learnshe starts having sex I do not think I can stay with her and will have to divorceher but thats the last thing I want.

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Why do you have to divorce her? She didn't divorce you, did she?

Goose, gander. Pot, kettle, black. You two should probably get divorced, instead of taking turns hurting each other.

Thanks for your post. [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

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Originally Posted by Redtail007 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She says she needs a backup plan (start a job be independent) because she does not trust me as I screwed uphad an affair 5 years ago so I get that but it seems her back up plan is reallya new guy. I amclean now it was a one time in 20 year screw up for me and I learned from my mistakeI dont want her to do the same we have kids it will kill them. Whats odd is sheis super nice to me, we have sex almost every day tells me she loves memeanwhile she is pursuing this guy on the side.

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Ask her why she is doing this. Be sincere and really listen if you want to save your marriage. Its not too late, not yet.

If you cheated on her, tho, you're being a hypocrite. Just saying. You can be whatever you want, of course, there are no rules but those you decide to live by. I agree w/Blue that you must take some responsibility for your relationship, tho, and this is a way to start. Maybe she thinks both of you need to experience the pain the other felt about cheating before you can move forward. Its not a totally outrageous mindset. But who knows what she's thinking. Good luck.

Just tell her that you know everything but not how you know, and see what she says. Make direct references that she can't deny. I think you should either suggest an open marriage based on what you've found, or file for divorce.

Don't listen to those who say you're a hypocrite. You cheated on her 5 years ago, and she has decided to stay with you and work on the marriage. It doesn't give her a free pass to **** other guys.

I think telling her you know everything, and suggesting an open marriage might just do the trick. She'll either agree and then you can mess around too, or she'll stop with this other guy. Either way I think you should start looking for other women, until you're sure your wife wants to just be with you. She feels like she's got the power now, but suggesting an open relationship will take that away.

Give her an ultimatum. If she is willing to throw your trust and commitments away then she can, but she can't come back to you.
That she would even consider it is a betrayal. I'm sure you can do better. Move on.

I love how its okay that the guy cheated, but when its the woman, its not. Nice double-standard.

Its not the same thing Indi. when a man cheats its usually just sexual, but when a woman cheats its usually all about wanting more attention and cuddles etc. most women dont even like sex, they just do it to get a new washing machine or a new hoover. hope i cleared things up for you.

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Originally Posted by iamaninnocentma [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its not the same thing Indi. when a man cheats its usually just sexual, hope i cleared things up for you.

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Hope you know I think you're full of shit. Cheating is just as disrespectful whether its done by a man or a woman.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hope you know I think you're full of shit. Cheating is just as disrespectful whether its done by a man or a woman.

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yeah i agree, its disrespectful from both parties, but its done for different reasons. a man can cheat and still love his wife, but most women cant cheat unless they dont love their husband anymore. its grade 1 oprah.

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Originally Posted by iamaninnocentma [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

yeah i agree, its disrespectful from both parties, but its done for different reasons.

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Point? If I get run over by a drunk or a distracted cellphone user, I am still dead.

ok. the cellphone user(the man) just suffered from a momentary lapse of judgement, and will probably never use his phone while driving again, whereas , the drunk driver(the woman) cant help herself, because they probably have a drink problem, therefore is an addict, and will probably do it again if left unchecked. so while you are still dead, both situations are completley different, much like the difference between a man and a woman cheating. one is likely to happen again and again, while the other was probably a one off. i rest my case

Or, put another way, the addict (the woman) can't help herself. But the guy made a *choice* to use his phone. Seems to me the person who had a choice has less reason to explain his behaviour.

It was a poor example. Both are terrible behaviour and you can't dismiss either one, IMO. The guy does not get off any easier than the woman b/c it was 'just sex'. What if he brought home an STD, or worse?

yeah , it was a poor example, but dont beat yourself up over it.

out of interest, what can the man bring home thats worse than an std?

to be honest, none of this is helping this poor man , whose wife is about to be ridden like a derby winner. even if in your opinion, he "deserves" it.

if i was him, i would confiscate his wifes phone and restrict her internet access. i would also find this cassanova and crack his jaw.

A kid. Or a deadly disease like HIV.

Its true, two wrongs don't make a right, but he's not going to be able to convince her by trying to take a moral high road or an aggressive position. He lost that argument when he cheated. He needs to appeal to *her* morals and, perhaps, tell her from his own perspective that cheating isn't worth it.

yeah, he could try the moral thing, but i still think my denial of communication equipment and a kick in the balls for don jaun will get the job done quicker. sometimes a situation goes beyond talk and reasoning. his wife will probably see him in a different light if he takes the bull by the horns and becomes the alpha male that shes after.

even if his wife does eventually sleep with this home wrecker, at least the dude will have the satisfaction of knowing he gave him a dry slap and can tell it as an amusing antedote in the pub after.

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Originally Posted by iamaninnocentma [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Its not the same thing Indi. when a man cheats its usually just sexual, but when a woman cheats its usually all about wanting more attention and cuddles etc. most women dont even like sex, they just do it to get a new washing machine or a new hoover. hope i cleared things up for you.

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Men and women cheat for the same reasons, although those reasons are always based on the individual circumstances. Women don't always cheat to get money (or applinaces, wtf??) and men don't always cheat for sex. Having been on this forum for over 8 years I've countless threads about cheating, and rarely is it just sex or money involved. Oh and btw I have yet to meet a woman that "doesn't really like sex", are you kidding me? If we don't enjoy sex, it's usually because our partner sucks.

If anything, I would think a guy like you would be the one cheating to get a new washing machine, since you keep telling us you are your girlfriend's little housewife.