I hope you can give advice, everyone!

Good evening.

I am currently in a "wait" stage with my former fiance, because current events has driven her away from me.
I have been with her for about 4 years now, which has been rough since we live in seperate countries, and during these years i have hidden behind a wall of lies and deceit.
I cheated on her, i lied to her and i have failed as a fiance, more as a human being.
The thing is, i have been given the last chance of my life with her to make it right, to fix this all and to fix myself.

I love her, i have always loved her, and i will forever. The only problem has been that over the years, i havent seemed to WANT to stop cheating, because of that thrill-ride of her not knowing about it.
I have learned that of myself, i admit to it that i am a disgusting piece of... well, you know. (Trying to keep it PG).
I also acknowledge that i need to change, both for her and for myself, but i have absolutely NO idea of how to start!
Do i soulsearch? Do i climb every mountain? Say a thousand Hail Mary's?
I have absolutely no clue.

So therefor, i humbly stand myself in front of you, Forum. Because there has to be someone out there that knows some way of cleansing out yourself and changing as a person.

What would you think?
What would you do if you were me at this point?

I sincerely hope there are someone out there with the answers to this, because i can't lose her. I just can't.

Hope to hear from some of you soon.

Bump for HIA. Wait for him to post, OP, he's someone who can give you some good advice.

Ah, alright! Thank you very much, Indi!

How about acting like a real man and forgetting about it. All men cheat on their women, especially if shes in another country. If she knows, then im afraid its unlikely she will ever forget about it, and will make you suffer until your final breath. Women dont forgive infidelity. They might pretend to, but they just keep you close so they can torture you.

If youve said sorry to her, then just leave it at that. If you start begging her to take you back, you will give her all the power and you might as well chop your balls off now. Leave the ball in her court. The only way to cleanse your conscience, is if she comes back to you without you pressuring her. But like indi says, its probably best to wait for a patronising yank for some real advice.

Troll^. One of our favourites, but best taken w/salt.

wtf, i was being serious for a change. Some good stuff in there.

I'll give it to ya, Mr. Innocent. That was some mighty strong words, but i'm going to have to kindly disincline to your advice. :) Perhaps another time for another cause, but thanks for dropping by! :)

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Originally Posted by SleeplessHeart [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'll give it to ya, Mr. Innocent. That was some mighty strong words, but i'm going to have to kindly disincline to your advice. :) Perhaps another time for another cause, but thanks for dropping by! :)

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**** you buddy, Stay in your room crying then. No skin off my hooter.

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Originally Posted by iamaninnocentma [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

wtf, i was being serious for a change. Some good stuff in there.

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Ya there was some good stuff in there...I have to agree women don't really forgive the infidelity. In fact it will be brought up in heated arguments for year to come. I am speaking as a female, I was in this position with my ex....I never really got over it back then. 25 years later I understood why and accept it as "one of those things that just happen. BUT I should never have returned to the relationship....I was young and stupid.

Ok Sleeplessheart, now that you are willing to give up your infidelity for this woman....what are you going to to replace this "thrill" you had when you were cheating on her? Obviously a monogamous relationship will bore you to tears. What are you going to do to deal with this? I suggest seeing a relationship counselor first to get to the root of your deceit before making any promises to your fiance...you own it to her don't you think?

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Originally Posted by SleeplessHeart [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good evening.

I am currently in a "wait" stage with my former fiance, because current events has driven her away from me.
I have been with her for about 4 years now, which has been rough since we live in seperate countries, and during these years i have hidden behind a wall of lies and deceit.
I cheated on her, i lied to her and i have failed as a fiance, more as a human being.
The thing is, i have been given the last chance of my life with her to make it right, to fix this all and to fix myself.

I love her, i have always loved her, and i will forever. The only problem has been that over the years, i havent seemed to WANT to stop cheating, because of that thrill-ride of her not knowing about it.
I have learned that of myself, i admit to it that i am a disgusting piece of... well, you know. (Trying to keep it PG).
I also acknowledge that i need to change, both for her and for myself, but i have absolutely NO idea of how to start!
Do i soulsearch? Do i climb every mountain? Say a thousand Hail Mary's?
I have absolutely no clue.

So therefor, i humbly stand myself in front of you, Forum. Because there has to be someone out there that knows some way of cleansing out yourself and changing as a person.

What would you think?
What would you do if you were me at this point?

I sincerely hope there are someone out there with the answers to this, because i can't lose her. I just can't.

Hope to hear from some of you soon.

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Bad news and blunt observations first:

You can't just "change", or at least most people can't. Your fiancee knows this and disbelieves you. The reason you've kept doing what you were doing was that there were no consequences. Now that there's been a consequence, you're desperate to prove to her that you've changed. I've got news for you brother - you haven't. I can almost guarantee that if she took you back, in other words negating the consequence, that sooner or later you'd do it again.

Now the good news:

There is hope, but it's something you REALLY have to want. Get some domestic violence counseling. Find out why you do the things you do. Find out how many different kinds of abuse there are - and believe me they're not limited to physical. Get this - cheating is almost always a result of insecurity. Mine certainly was. So get the training, and don't just go to please her, embrace it. Learn your motivations, and other people's motivations. Learn to figure out people's intentions on certain acts - it will change your reactions when you know what they really intended versus your own warped view. Learn to communicate effectively; this is probably your best tool in relationships.

Start with a [URL="http://www.iqln.com/family/QLN_Family_09.asp"]Four Part Apology[/URL] to your fiancee. For the "fix it" phase of the apology, tell her that you're getting help. I suggest something like the following:

I know that I hurt you when I cheated and lied to you, and I realize that I may have ruined any chance of reconciliation. Is there anything I can do to make it right? I have begun (or am beginning) counseling, and in future I will no longer cheat on you or lie to you."

Now, you MUST MUST MUST actually go get counseling and you must embrace it if you're willing to do so. If you're not, then I suspect you don't really love her and in fact just feel a sense of ownership - something a lot of men in particular (but not just men) feel in their relationships. There are no guarantees that she'll accept your apology, and even worse, there's no guarantee that she'll ever trust you again. Once gone, trust is the hardest thing to get back in a relationship, and it's the most crucial ingredient. Without it you've got nothing worth saving.

Jesus wept........

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Originally Posted by iamaninnocentma [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Jesus wept........

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The irony is thick with this one.

Oh it's all fun and games.......

Too much 'truth' for the OP? Well, perhaps he just needs time to digest HIAs advice.

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The irony is thick with this one.

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Yeah, its a thinker.

Maybe im being too harsh and women are different in the states.

Over here only the truly neurotic annd wealthy get counselling.

This bawsack hasnt abused his gf. Hes pumped a few birds because his woman is in another country. Hes a douche for getting caught/confessing.

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Originally Posted by iamaninnocentma [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, its a thinker.

Maybe im being too harsh and women are different in the states.

Over here only the truly neurotic annd wealthy get counselling.

This bawsack hasnt abused his gf. Hes pumped a few birds because his woman is in another country. Hes a douche for getting caught/confessing.

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I gave you a fat hint with "irony" and still you miss it. You're truly stupid. I say that not out of spite, but pity.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I gave you a fat hint with "irony" and still you miss it. You're truly stupid. I say that not out of spite, but pity.

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Dont you worry your little moostache, i undertsood perfectly.

Call me stupid all you want, it doesnt make your post any more relevent.

You couldn't even spell relevant correctly, twit.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You couldn't even spell relevant correctly, twit.

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lol good comeback. Is that you cerby.

Dont be angry at me, its indis fault for buliding you up as a giver of great advice. The pressure obviously was too much for you to handle and you wrote a hasty sub-standard post. All i did was point this out. Im sure if you take the time to re-read your post, you will agree with me that its shite.

Angry? I'm not invested in our relationship. I'd have to give some value to your opinion to even care slightly... and I'm aware that you're a troll and not a very intelligent one.

Go play with the other children, sweetie. The adults are talking.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Angry? I'm not invested in our relationship. I'd have to give some value to your opinion to even care slightly... and I'm aware that you're a troll and not a very intelligent one.

Go play with the other children, sweetie. The adults are talking.

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Invested in our relationship? There you go again, lol

Adults dont resort to petty insults when they lose a debate, like you have done.

Nobody else is posting because they agree with me and they dont want to offend you. In summary. Youre a dick.

You obviously care a little, otherwise you could happily ignore me.

*tumbleweed*

Have to agree with everyone else on this one, iam. You have no business in this thread, so i ask you kindly to not post here again.

Heart: I am so glad you posted this. Thank you ever so much, this advice may just be the very thing i need. I had intentions of going to therapy at all, but now at least im sure i have to and want to.
Because honestly, this girl is too good to give up, and if i may be frank with y'all: I don't give a rats ass how long it takes to earn the trust back. I'm doing it, theres no stopping me, and people may get hurt for trying to stop me :P But seriously.

Thank you ever so VERY much, and i hope your life will be filled with happiness and all the perks it brings!
It's exactly what i needed as an answer. it's legit, it makes sense and most importantly: I can do it!

Thanks to HIA, and thanks to everyone that's chipped in on this!
Hopefully you'll never hear from me again, i am going to fix this and prove to myself, my fiance and the whole world that it can be done!

Take good care, everyone! :D

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Originally Posted by SleeplessHeart [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have to agree with everyone else on this one, iam. You have no business in this thread, so i ask you kindly to not post here again.

Heart: I am so glad you posted this. Thank you ever so much, this advice may just be the very thing i need. I had intentions of going to therapy at all, but now at least im sure i have to and want to.
Because honestly, this girl is too good to give up, and if i may be frank with y'all: I don't give a rats ass how long it takes to earn the trust back. I'm doing it, theres no stopping me, and people may get hurt for trying to stop me :P But seriously.

Thank you ever so VERY much, and i hope your life will be filled with happiness and all the perks it brings!
It's exactly what i needed as an answer. it's legit, it makes sense and most importantly: I can do it!

Thanks to HIA, and thanks to everyone that's chipped in on this!
Hopefully you'll never hear from me again, i am going to fix this and prove to myself, my fiance and the whole world that it can be done!

Take good care, everyone! :D

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See you in 2 weeks.......****ing drama queen

F*** off, Sloppy Joe.

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Originally Posted by SleeplessHeart [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

F*** off, Sloppy Joe.

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Jeez, some thanks for trying to help you. I think the yank was maybe right about you needing therapy.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You couldn't even spell relevant correctly, twit.

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[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good luck, Sleepless. Kudos for stepping up.

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Originally Posted by KingZ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

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Spelling, QueefZ. Thanks for playing.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Spelling, QueefZ. Thanks for playing.

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Same principle, DonIsAching.

brotip #305:
if you can't win an argument, correct some minor technicality instead

I wasn't arguing. Now you're merely attempting to bludgeon me into submission with threats. It's what cowardly bullies do.

It won't work.

Hahaha! You think I'm threatening you right now?

Think? No, I'm sure of it.

Jesus wept ............

i think the first real best thing to do is to break up with her and leave her alone! dont stand in her way to be happy! seconde i think you dont want to stop! only if you really want you can make a change! and i think deep down you know why you do it! but if you want go to psycolog. but what ever you do, break up with her! try later when you grow up

well if you are in different --countries--, how can you keep from cheating ? doesn't sound possible to me.