No Sexual Attraction

Gosh, this is very difficult and painful to talk about. My boyfriend (technically fiancée) and I have been dating for 17 months now. He has all the qualities of a true soul mate and genuinely good man. He is: faithful, patient and tolerant when it comes to waiting for sex, has good credit, is giving and unselfish, church-going, romantic, affectionate, and he even shares my same socio-political beliefs; plus he is 28-years-old with no children yet he acts as a father figure to his nieces and nephews. He is dependable, willing to progress, prompt, creative, talented, a homebody, and a man of his word. What more could a woman ask for, right? Wrong!

15 of the 17 months we’ve dated has been long distance. After becoming engaged I relocated to his city and we now live together. Sadly, despite all the ways in which we click, the sexual attraction is non-existent for me. I’m beginning to think I made a mistake by dating someone without having ever met them in person. We have postponed the wedding via my request because I am not so sure I can live with having a romantic relationship without sexual attraction.

I love him SO VERY MUCH and he is deeply in love with me. I know that the bible says “Love conquers all” but I am not sure that my emotional attachment and love can conquer this problem. I would NEVER be unfaithful to him, nor do I have anyone else in mind. Although he is an attractive man (women hit on him and ask him out a lot), I was misled about his physical fitness. He is 100 pounds heavier than I envisioned and his breath stinks 95% of the time and he has tartar build-up on the bottom row of his teeth that further dispels my physical attraction. I have never made out with him and I have no desire to.

To make matters worse, the couple of times that we have done intimate/sexual things I was left sexually unfulfilled :(

He has been working out and steadily losing weight and he made an appointment to the dentist, yet I still don’t “feel it.” He would do ANYTHING for me and logically, it doesn’t make sense to give up a man with such a genuine love for me, great qualities, and awesome potential.
Lord, I feel so terrible about it because hurting him would KILL ME INSIDE because I love him so much. Should I suck it up and just settle for what I have and ignore the lack of sexual attraction and awkwardness?

Don't settle, you're young enough that you can have what you want out of a relationship. Sex is a huge thing, and if you're not feeling it, then that is a reason to move on. You will hurt him, but it is the right thing to do.

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Don't settle, you're young enough that you can have what you want out of a relationship. Sex is a huge thing, and if you're not feeling it, then that is a reason to move on. You will hurt him, but it is the right thing to do.

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Thank you very much.

Sex is a huge thing, and if you're not feeling it, then that is a reason to move on.

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Originally Posted by Sovereign88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I’m beginning to think I made a mistake by dating someone without having ever met them in person.

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Sorry, I couldn't help but chuckle. How can you even *date* someone without having ever met them in person?!

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We have postponed the wedding via my request because I am not so sure I can live with having a romantic relationship without sexual attraction.

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You've only known this man (in person I mean!) for three months and you are already considering marriage?! In any case, nobody can be happy and fulfilled in a "romantic" relationship that has no sexual attraction. Sex is a huge part of romantic relationships. Don't postpone the wedding, cancel it entirely. He'll survive!

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I have never made out with him and I have no desire to.

To make matters worse, the couple of times that we have done intimate/sexual things I was left sexually unfulfilled :(

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Wow - you've done "sexual things" without even ever french kissing. That's strange. Anyway, these are gigantic red flags, OP.

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Should I suck it up and just settle for what I have and ignore the lack of sexual attraction and awkwardness?

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No, you would hurt the both of you if you did that. You would obviously be miserable and unsatisfied, and he deserves someone who loves him and appreciates him under *every* aspect. I don't think you can really be in love with someone unless you are attracted to them... you can love them very much and have an incredible emotional connection, sure, but to be in love you also need the sexual component.

You have to learn from your mistakes (getting so close to someone without meeting them in person). It seems like you're religious based, so better to be honest and upfront with him than try to force something that is not there. Not sure who these women are that are hitting on him all the time, but it seems like he'll get over it and eventually find a more suitable match.

i think you r rude toward the men! and fake! you dont know what love is! you barely know him, u cant talk about love so early! i think its weird how you find your mate and already engage and all! you r to desparate to start a family! he is not for you! no one ever talks like this about someone they even like, and you say love and talk like this about him? wow give him hate then!

I have to disagree with all the other comments on here. They are from shallow people and are, I suspect, not religious. I think you should make an effort to keep this man. Love will conquer all. Bless you.

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have to disagree with all the other comments on here. They are from shallow people and are, I suspect, not religious. I think you should make an effort to keep this man. Love will conquer all. Bless you.

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Lulz......

This is why I say LDR's are a waste of time. It's 20% reality and 80% fantasy. I have said over and over, you can't possibly know someone unless you date them in person, see how they are with you, see their social circle, how they are with their family etc. Sure everything can look good on paper, but if there is no attraction, then there is no desire to be with them period. It's time to be honest with him, and depart.

To add if you truly loved him, then his physical appearance would be over looked.....So I doubt very highly you know what love is. I feel you are a lonely desperate person thinking that finding a man to marry you is your answer to finding happiness.

Better step back and take a good overall look at your motives here.

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like you are looking for a great provider and you found him but you are not happy about some of the things he is.

i think you normal date for your needs (like someone who can support you financially etc. and not for what its about.

and you act like you order a men and are not happy with it.like you have to be with him

I think you should suck it up and settle. You deserve it, and you sound boring as hell, so you two should be perfect.

Honey, what on earth are you talking about?? I came on this site for GENUINE HELP, not to be insulted and regardless of if you think I am "fake" "desparate" or whatever other negative attributes you have given me without knowing me is irrelevant...If you can not give USEFUL advice then you have no business commenting. I'm assuming that you lack the courage to insult people in person so you save it for innocent people online...I am sure you don't like it when people insult and judge you (WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR CHARACTER) for dating interracially (Black men) so treat me as you would like to be treated, my dear. I hate to have to lecture you as if you are a small child but that is PRECISELY how you are behaving so GOOD RIDDANCE.

OP, why not focus on the rational replies instead :-)

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

To add if you truly loved him, then his physical appearance would be over looked.....So I doubt very highly you know what love is. I feel you are a lonely desperate person thinking that finding a man to marry you is your answer to finding happiness.

Better step back and take a good overall look at your motives here.

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I am neither lonely nor desparate. If I were desparate I would not have called off the wedding. Secondly, we connected so well dating long distance and in every other respect that we both agreed that we would work well as a married couple...I did not go into the relationship seeking or expecting marriage...Yet, I will take your advice as far as stepping back and assessing the situation

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Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you should suck it up and settle. You deserve it, and you sound boring as hell, so you two should be perfect.

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Shut up, asshole.

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Originally Posted by cheekxs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i think you r rude toward the men! and fake! you dont know what love is! you barely know him, u cant talk about love so early! i think its weird how you find your mate and already engage and all! you r to desparate to start a family! he is not for you! no one ever talks like this about someone they even like, and you say love and talk like this about him? wow give him hate then!

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Honey, what on earth are you talking about?? I came on this site for GENUINE HELP, not to be insulted and regardless of if you think I am "fake" "desparate" or whatever other negative attributes you have given me without knowing me is irrelevant...If you can not give USEFUL advice then you have no business commenting. I'm assuming that you lack the courage to insult people in person so you save it for innocent people online...I am sure you don't like it when people insult and judge you (WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR CHARACTER) for dating interracially (Black men) so treat me as you would like to be treated, my dear. I hate to have to lecture you as if you are a small child but that is PRECISELY how you are behaving so GOOD RIDDANCE

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

OP, why not focus on the rational replies instead :-)

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Lol, good idea. How do you close a thread?? I think I've had enough of morons who just like to hear themselves type

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have to disagree with all the other comments on here. They are from shallow people and are, I suspect, not religious. I think you should make an effort to keep this man. Love will conquer all. Bless you.

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Yeah, that's how a HUGE part of me feels too. There is so much love and potential between us and since we live in the same place now, it is almost like starting all over in a way...Perhaps these attraction will develop over time. I just don't want to move too hastily and look back and realize that I missed out on my soulmate. You know what I mean??

I meant that you should focus on the actual advice you've received, rather than on the negative comments. There's no reason to get so irritated btw, you can just ignore them.

Oh and I'm pretty sure Boisdevie was being sarcastic.

Have you decided what to do?

Maybe try having him brush his teeth once a week, and start increasing from there. Also, suggest he take Viagra. I'm not so sure love can conquer perpetually bad breath and and horrible sex.

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Originally Posted by cheekxs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like you are looking for a great provider and you found him but you are not happy about some of the things he is.

i think you normal date for your needs (like someone who can support you financially etc. and not for what its about.

and you act like you order a men and are not happy with it.like you have to be with him

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I can PROVIDE for myself. This man is far from wealthy. I actually made a big finacial sacrifice in choosing to be with him. I think you are more interested in attacking my character than you are in giving advice.

If you had read thoroughly you would have seen the REAL REASONS that I listed for being with this man, but you overlooked them to come to your own delusional conclusion.

You are a well spring of stupidity, so please keep your mouth shut on my threads.

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I meant that you should focus on the actual advice you've received, rather than on the negative comments. There's no reason to get so irritated btw, you can just ignore them.

Oh and I'm pretty sure Boisdevie was being sarcastic.

Have you decided what to do?

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I haven't decided yet. I don't want to move too hastily and burn a bridge that can never be repaired...And you're RIGHT, when I allow myself to get irritated, I am just giving the other person power over me.

I have told him about the lack of physical attraction in a kind way, which is why we are on a workout regime together now. We are such a good unit and we support eachother's ambitions. I don't want to lose him....So no, I am still trying to figure out what to do, my friend.

Why would you move in a with a man you've never met?

Yeah....leave it now and get out while you still can. Who cares about bridges....this is about you.

Don't marry him. Its the right decision for you.

You can't continue this if you are having second thoughts as this shows the instability of the situation. I personally don't think you should be getting married if you aren't certain. I'd say give it some time, don't rush this. Let the dust settle and give yourself time to process this, and you'll be more likely to make the right decision.

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Originally Posted by surfhb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why would you move in a with a man you've never met?

Yeah....leave it now and get out while you still can. Who cares about bridges....this is about you.

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We've been together for almost two years. Our relationship was just long distance for the past year. I know him very well and nothing about him in person has deviated from the man I have been dating long distance for the past year. I know it was a big risk nonetheless....And thank you for your advice :)

Obviously I don't know the guy, and I know love isn't just about looks - but physical attraction is important too!
If you are having doubts then I think you should get out. That's my personal opinion obviously.
Oh and ignore the trolls :)

You can not have a romantic relationship with someone if you are not physically attracted to them. What they hell is the point?

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Originally Posted by Sovereign88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We've been together for almost two years. Our relationship was just long distance for the past year. I know him very well and nothing about him in person has deviated from the man I have been dating long distance for the past year. I know it was a big risk nonetheless....And thank you for your advice :)

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Well you learn by your mistakes. Leave the relationship before you are even more unhappy

I think the OP should leave and find a black man to date. Apparently they have really big c-ocks so whilst she might be really racist she'd get some great sex.

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Originally Posted by Sovereign88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can PROVIDE for myself. This man is far from wealthy. I actually made a big finacial sacrifice in choosing to be with him. I think you are more interested in attacking my character than you are in giving advice.

If you had read thoroughly you would have seen the REAL REASONS that I listed for being with this man, but you overlooked them to come to your own delusional conclusion.

You are a well spring of stupidity, so please keep your mouth shut on my threads.

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Cheekx is stupid, but s/he managed to make a semi-intelligent point. I also thought your first post came across somewhat as a gold digger. His credit? Seriously? lol.

Not that financial stability isn't important, it is. But I do wonder if you have your own career and prospects. I hope you aren't looking for a man to provide this for you.

If he's started working out and practicing better oral hygiene, the complaints you had about his weight and breath should soon go away. Have you thought about what he'll look like after he loses weight and all? Because it would suck if you left him and then a few months later you see him with six pack abs and whitened teeth and he looks like a dream, but he''s found someone else. Don't let that happen! It's much easier to change physical appearance than it is to change someone on the inside. Stick around and continue to help him look hot since he's open to it. You're genuinely improving his life by encouraging him to get in shape and practice better oral hygiene and it seems like he can be an incredibly positive force in your life. Stick around - he's just a diamond in the rough! Good luck.

Topic starter was not happy with my reply and send me a mad pm.

well she asked for opinions and i give it to her. so don't ask if you don't want to hear it.
and i guess there was some truth in it, that's why you felt so needy to pm me.
please dont. keep it in the topic.

Someone who doesn't take care of themselves and their apparance could be a warning sign of a depressed person, of self loathing, lack self worth or laziness. IMO he doesn't have purpose unless he has a women. Losing weigh and brushing one's teeth is not addressing the much deeper issues he probably has.

It's obvious you have learned a valuable lesson (and paid a price for it) to date locally and never to invest so much into someone you have not met.

If you end it I bet money on it he will sink right back into the state he was before.

You are a shame to all the women. How the heck can you get engage to someone and then talk about it behind their back. I can't envision what you will do once you get married. Save the guy some time and tell him already.