Cant move past my girlfriends past!Please help!

I have been with my girlfriend for a lil over 2years. With that said, let me cut to the chase. I have a problem with her past. She has remained "friends" with most of her sexual partners from before we met. This really upsets me and bothers me til my stomach is in knots. She also keeps photo albums and tons of other pictures in a duffel hw and between the two, there are a lot of pics of her ex's. Some are not bad and some are of them in bed together, some are of them kissing .(not nude thank god) but it still bothers me she has to keep them around. She was molested when she was a kid and pretty much raised by grandparents, mom was seldom there and dad was an addict for years and never there. She has also told me that it shouldn't bother me and that she sleeps with most of her friends before me. She's even had a four way with her supposed best friends. When I tell her that this bothers me it ends up in a huge shit storm. She's also an only child and has a 12 year old son that I also love. His dad is also in his 30's and don't have a car or pay any type of child support. This is another issue, he sees his child maybe 2-3 days a month for about 8hours on those days yet she talks and txts him regularly and its not about the child they share. In fact the boy is never really brought up. I have explained to her how that's not cool at all and she shouldn't be talking to him unless its about their son, she argues and fights me about it. He was commenting on her Facebook page about sex and other immature crap alike and I told her I didn't like that so she had him block me instead of her blocking him.(hate Facebook)
So all of this stuff is kinda in a nutshell but it really hurts more with me than for me, I have asked her to put that behind her and not let it cloud our present or future yet it always goes back to me being a control freak or not letting her be herself. She has been raped 3times and has ptsd from those events. I feel like she used sex to make friends and don't think that is healthy. When she had her 4 way experience she was seeing some guy and he introduced her to another guy and girl at a party and well, you know. Now she claims to be their best friends and this happened a few short months before we met. I have taken her son under my wing and pretty Mich babysitter at least 3 nights a week, I have also taught this guy how to ride a bike(almost cried). I really don't know if I'm being irrational or controlling, I'm only being how I know how...please, someone, anyone help. I take this matter very serious.

This is not a girl you're going to want to keep around for a long term relationship. This is a girl who will have constant affairs being your back. She doesn't respect you, and she doesn't respect herself if she's letting some guy she used to sleep with still talk to her that way on facebook. You're not in the wrong at all. Not a bit. She is. How would she like it reading comments like that on YOUR facebook?

Anyone...? Could use a lil more input.

Tho I argue the point that the past should be left in the past and to get over it but, her past is extreme and it's still in the present. Not only that, she has been raped amongst other things. This poor girl needs therapy, and possibly a life time of it. Anyways, she isn't going to change who she is. She sees nothing wrong with sleeping with her friends or staying friends with them. It's her lifestyle whether you like it or not.

I say this girl is not right for you period. This baggage way beyond your understanding and there is no point in hoping your opinion will change. You are fooling yourself if this will ever have any happy ending.

Yeah, dump her and move on. You'll never be happy in this relationship.

I agree. Normally, I would tell a guy to get over the past because it's the past and can't be changed. But like smackie said, her past isn't really in the past yet. And you aren't going to be able to fix her ptsd or her family issues. You could try and tough it out for the sake of her kid, but that isn't your job and you will be undermined by both her and the ex. Take care of yourself and just move on. You are going to be happier with someone who shares your values.

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Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, dump her and move on. You'll never be happy in this relationship.

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This.. and then once you've dumped her. Call Children's services and get her children removed until such time she's had clearance from a psychiatrist that she's capable of rearing them.

What keeps you attracted to her when you know she is such a hot-mess? Loving her is not good enough reason to stick this out any longer.

That's the only thing I can say is that I love her and her kid, I taught him how to ride a bike for shit sake! But the general concenses is to dump her and move on...for me its easier said than done. We met in Jr.high and then re met 16 years later, sorry sucker for signs and romance I guess. I thought she might be the one and that I'm wrong about all this but it don't seem so...:(

So what, you met in Jr high and you made the mistake of picking up with her and her sexual dysfunctional self 16 years later. That is no excuse to stay with someone that will surely bring you down with her issues before you'll ever be able to bring her up to be halfway past her past.

People leave people they love everyday when they are involved in deal breaker activity. They are the one's that know that they will be far better off without the constant emotional shit storms. Look after yourself and don't let your codependency keep you mired where you are while she Tiger Woods you over and over again.

If something doesn't feel right, it is usually because it isn't. Everyone here is right, this isn't for you. Find someone who shares your values, because this woman doesn't respect you or your opinions.

Tiger Woods...lmfao! Well said.
When I made this post I was really hoping someone would tell me that I'm ****ed in the head but none of you guys did, nobody ever has. Sometimes truth is a hard thing to face but it seems.time to do.so.

Have some self worth.....you deserve better.

Well I think in one way it is a good thing that she is on good terms with her exes and the father of her child. That shows that they still like her, gives her strength and maturity as a person. BUT I think the issue isn't that, the issue is a trust issue. She seems very sexually free, surprising for me to hear that about someone with a sad past, then again maybe that is the cause of why she sees sex in that way. I'm thinking as I'm writing here. I think maybe she should use counselling from her past experiences, if she hasn't already and you two need to sort out the trust issues. Your gut instinct may be right, but it may not....

Just to add, I think it's awful that she got the ex to block you on fb but not block him - it is a big trust barrier that she broke in doing that and put you, the guy who looks after the son and the guy she is currently with beneath the ex, which is just wrong.

Does anyone think she uses sex as a way to feel accepted or to fill a void of abandonment? To me it seems like she used sex to make friends and be close to a man and to feel like people like her. I think daddy issues since her pops was never there, I kinda feel like she needs wants.people to want her since daddy didn't...

Yes I agree she has issues with sex due to her past and that is where the problem is now with him thinking she is cheating. I must admit it sounds like she may well be but it's her behaviour that encourages that belief so serious counselling is needed to address her problems, to help the problems in the relationship. It depends on how much you love her and how much you don't want to loose her and her son and also if you have the strength yourself to deal with her issues as to whether you should stick around and make it work. Is she worth it?

I'm very suprised at how "sexually free" she is/was too after that trauma. To me it seems not normal, and that's why I hate these ex lovers and group sex.part.ers still being around. A big part of me thinks she.used and was used for sex, but as long as they still talk to her she's cool with it because she feels like she was accepted...? Thoughts

I really advice that you stop analyzing the reasons why. I know you want to understand but, it boils down to this....your happiness. Realistically you will not find it with her. Stop hoping to make her into something your wish for....it's over.

I think Mr Bartender maybe onto something and I also think it boils down to what Smackie9 says. For some reason in relationships it's harder to put your happiness first.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I really advice that you stop analyzing the reasons why. I know you want to understand but, it boils down to this....your happiness. Realistically you will not find it with her. Stop hoping to make her into something your wish for....it's over.

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Smackie thank you. I just want you to know that as childish I may sound, I am really heartbroke right now and yes, you are totally right, I do need to stop, I'm just really having a hard time. We have been together for over 2 years and I'm just really torn up inside.

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Originally Posted by babypink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think Mr Bartender maybe onto something and I also think it boils down to what Smackie9 says. For some reason in relationships it's harder to put your happiness first.

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Baby thank you for all your input. I guess I have been waiting for her to have some sort of revelation and its not gonna happen.

No it's probably not. I wonder have you ever brought up with her your comment about these other guys and her just wanting to feel accepted. It's probably too sensitive to mention to her but maybe if she understood it a bit more it would help her come out of it. I think her revelation will come when she looses you to be honest.

It's psychology 101. Of course women with low self esteem will use sex to be accepted. And of course whatever happened in childhood can predict certain behavior in adults. But knowing why she has this behavior isn't going to make her change. She has to see a problem with it and seek out help for herself....which isn't going to happen. It's not bothering her in the least, because it's learned behavior, and it comes naturally to her, so she doesn't find it an issue only he does. She wants him to accept her for who she is and I don't blame her. He can't get get his head around it, nor should he due to these circumstances. He would have to change for her, and I find that unfair because he is a stand up guy. Respect from her is lacking, because she doesn't find it necessary to follow some kind of relationship "boundaries". That will never change, so it comes down to compatibility. There isn't any. If you don't have compatibility then the relationship will never survive for the long haul.

Very insightful smackie9. Interestingly points about her natural learned behaviour. I suppose we all have that but in different ways, unfortunately for this girl she's allowing others to take advantage of her.

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Originally Posted by Mr.Bartender [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Smackie thank you. I just want you to know that as childish I may sound, I am really heartbroke right now and yes, you are totally right, I do need to stop, I'm just really having a hard time. We have been together for over 2 years and I'm just really torn up inside.

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No one said being in love would be easy. We are all faced with challenges. Relationships will come and go, that's how life prepares us for marriage. We fail, learn, grow and thrive.

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Originally Posted by babypink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Very insightful smackie9. Interestingly points about her natural learned behaviour. I suppose we all have that but in different ways, unfortunately for this girl she's allowing others to take advantage of her.

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I don't see it as her being taken advantage of if she accepts it and doesn't find it a problem. I don't buy the stigma that women are helpless. If they choose to be more sexually open that's their business. She is an adult, she is allowed to live her life the way she sees fit.

What about if your partner told you something that you do really bothers them, good or bad...would you try to change for them?

It depends on what it was.......if he told me not to socialize with my male friends I would have an issue with that.

Well sometimes they can't. My husband doesn't want to loose me but there's loads I'm not happy about the way he is but he can't change it. He admits it, accepts it but can't change it. You can't change somebody however much you think it's the right way for them to be.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It depends on what it was.......if he told me not to socialize with my male friends I would have an issue with that.

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So if he asked you to not talk to your ex lovers you would have a problem?

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Originally Posted by babypink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well sometimes they can't. My husband doesn't want to loose me but there's loads I'm not happy about the way he is but he can't change it. He admits it, accepts it but can't change it. You can't change somebody however much you think it's the right way for them to be.

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See...can't to me is giving up before trying, its much easier. To me it feels better to try and then possibly fail than to not try at all.

Well all I can say is that I've tried many times.... If it feels right for you to try and then fail and at least you can look back and know you did what you could then you have your answer.

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Originally Posted by Mr.Bartender [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So if he asked you to not talk to your ex lovers you would have a problem?

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I would because it would be a trust issue but my relationships have been very different from your girlfriends and I would never sneak behind his back, ie get the ex to block him rather than blocking the ex...

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Originally Posted by Mr.Bartender [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So if he asked you to not talk to your ex lovers you would have a problem?

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I don't talk to them anyways because I made that choice not his....so there is a difference. It's a matter of opinion. I have no use to talk to past exes or lovers....I have moved on.

Right there with you smackie

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Originally Posted by Mr.Bartender [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What about if your partner told you something that you do really bothers them, good or bad...would you try to change for them?

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This really isn't a black and white issue. It's situational so to answer you kinda have to isolate specific scenarios. Here's a two of mine, and undoubtedly you'll notice they both require completely different approaches to resolve.

1) An ex of mine didn't like how much time I spent in the gym and didn't respect my physique goals. She wanted me to change my values, goals, and priorities and spend less time in the gym. I was not willing to make this change. This is something that I believe in and to take it away from me is to take away a part of who I am and violate what I stand for. On top of failing to support me she exposed herself as controlling, 2 major red flags that eventually made me haul ass from her.

2) When I was in college I was naturally flirty with almost every girl I talked to. This made my gf at the time uncomfortable and she expressed her lack of comfort with it to me. I told her she should trust me and turned the tables on her to make her seem like the bad guy. Retrospectively, I feel that this is a time when I probably should have gone ahead and made some kind of change for my gf. I really did stay faithful to her, and I never seriously considered cheating. But I also knew damn well that my flirtatious nature is going to make the first thought in just about any S.O's mind to be some kind of suspicion about me going balls deep in these other chicks, and that it would cause distress for just about anyone. It wouldn't have taken much effort on my part, all I had to do was tone down my flirtiness and that alone could have alleviated the distress that this was causing her. Instead, I chose to be selfish and put her in a situation that she didn't deserve to be in.

Looking back on this one I've also learned from experience that playing the "you need to trust me" card is a terrible move in a relationship - it only makes your significant other even more suspicious. And rightfully so, tbh. After all, it's an unwritten rule that everyone who currently is cheating, has cheated, or is on the verge of cheating in the immediate future has to play that card on their bf/gf at least once.