Lack of discipline with bfs son.

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04-10-12, 01:47 AM
Oiy

Lack of discipline with bfs son.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. I just moved in with him and his 10 year old about 3 months ago. The lack of discipline on the 10 year old is starting to aggravate me a little bit. I understand that I'm not the mother, and I understand hes not my child. However, there has been a few times the child has raised his voice at me. He found it funny for a short period to kick me as hard as possible in the shins (until I kicked him back). He just seems to be lacking manners.

I'm 26, my boyfriend is 32. There are rules, but his son seems to be becoming more defiant. I was raised very strict. I was not allowed to tell people to shut up, I wasn't allowed to whine, raise my voice. And I had to pick up after myself. My boyfriend is a very dominant person. I'm surprised he is so lenient. Just yesterday his son said Dad, can I go ride my bike across the street. Dad responded with "Is your homework done?" The 10 year old SCREAMED back, OH MY GOD DAD, YES!! Dad asked "Did you do your reading?" 10 year old responded back with "No Dad, oh my god I want to go ride my bike!" Dad responds with You know you don't get far pouting with me. The 10 year old stopped with the whiny pout in his voice, but was still YELLING. Then told his dad to SHUT UP.

I know that if I did this to my father, I would of had my ass handed to me. Not to mention this 10 year old has C's and D's in school. And schoolwork and studying needs to be of more importance.

Besides that, the child does not have any regards for things around him. Throwing rocks at cars, finding things to light on fire, spray painting the deck with smiley faces, etc.

How do I politely say to my boyfriend hello, you're the adult? Ground him, give him chores, dont let him raise his voice than get what he wants? I don't want to come off as a "bitch." And I care about his child, I don't want to be the evil "step mom." But there's a lack of discipline. And if he wants to be spoken to like that and hes fine with it... hey, kudos. But how do I handle it when the child raises his voice at me? Tells me to shut up? Besides the rudeness the kid is great.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Have times changed that much that kids can talk like that and get what they want? Whats the best way to bring this up?
04-10-12, 01:57 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

Smack the shit out of this kid every time he is rude. I mean a powerful backhand as hard as you can, straight to the face, followed with a look directly into his soul. I bet he won't even tell his dad.

Or just destroy his xbox or something. Fight dirty.
04-10-12, 02:36 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

You could also just take the high road, and break up with your boyfriend, and tell him that his son's lack of discipline is unacceptable and you would not want to have kids with him if this is how he raises them.
04-10-12, 02:42 AM
VincenzoG91

This kid will be a nightmare when he becomes a teenager in a few years.

Rules without consequences are worthless. This kid is rotten because his parents suck as parents. Even if you manage to get your boyfriend to get tough with the boy, the mother is probably going to undermine that with her own lousy parenting. If I were you, I would start thinking about bailing on this relationship.
04-10-12, 03:20 AM
surfhb

Why are you asking us advice on how to talk with your BF....that's the question I have?

Just let him know what you expect from him and his son. Tell him verbatim what you said in the 5th paragraph. Your happiness come first in any relationship so you need to nip this in the butt or bail....it's not like you're married or anything
04-10-12, 03:37 AM
InYourFACE

I think its more then stupid to jumping in things just for the D!ck , without using your head about
thing you know will happen.

Like you knew you will be with hm and his kid. And that he have a kid, what did you aspect?
That everything will be nice and cool?
How will you react to a step mom as a kid ?

And we dont know if you are the 1000 gf that dads is bringing in.

And you know him to short to be doing all of this.
You barelly know him. And his son should be a daily topic between you and him
way before you even think to meet him.

ANd where is the child's mom? You need to realize that you cant just come in a kids life
just cause you like a dude and thinks that the kid will adapt to you just like that.
There are some kind of protocol also for that.

And its his son , you are just one more new girl( like 2 years???!!!).
And you are in his house so i dont think you have the right strong relationship
to make some change.

You are very old. so you should have think about things like this
way before jumping into it.

So suck it or leave.
Cause i dont think you took time enough to even know the dad , let alone to know the kid
so you can manage him for the better.

You n only talk to the dad.
hmm..........
04-10-12, 03:43 AM
InYourFACE

-you can only tlk to the dad, but dont espect much.
and i see some signs that maybe this kid have a lot of issues.

Often we tell to moms not to jump into relationships and take a lot of time before even
introduce their kids to the new dude.

But in your case its like cause its a dude , he jump into relationships and let girls that he dont know that well
in his kid life.

That is wrong 2! so this dude is not doing his job well!
04-10-12, 05:54 AM
dem862

Look up oppositional defiant disorder. Sometimes they get better, but sometimes they don't. Best approaches are to allow natural consequences and practice tough love. You should also learn detachment if you intend to stay in this relationship. Good luck.
04-10-12, 06:09 AM
Wakeup

"Learn detachment" Sounds hard to do when some little pre-Dexter is kicking you in the shins. Surely your bf wants to raise a decent citizen of this world, No? As a parent, he should want his kid to grow up to be said decent citizen so bring up your concern(s) and if he isn't open to taking Jr. to a child psychologist then rent a copy of "The Bad Seed" and sit down with the bf and watch. When it's over ask him if the main character reminds him of anyone?
04-10-12, 08:31 AM
VincenzoG91

Tell your BF that his son needs a dad, not another friend.
04-10-12, 08:47 AM
MaidenMinx

Quote:

Originally Posted by dem862 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Look up oppositional defiant disorder. Sometimes they get better, but sometimes they don't. Best approaches are to allow natural consequences and practice tough love. You should also learn detachment if you intend to stay in this relationship. Good luck.

ODD is a proper neurological disorder, not just misbehaving kids.

It sounds to me this kid is reacting to his parents divorce and you coming into the situation. Maybe he needs some counselling.
04-10-12, 01:48 PM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oiy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. I just moved in with him and his 10 year old about 3 months ago. The lack of discipline on the 10 year old is starting to aggravate me a little bit. I understand that I'm not the mother, and I understand hes not my child.

I would suggest you approach this situation with compassion, both for the boy and the father. I assume you do not have children of your own? Imagine what this poor boy is thinking. You have just moved into *his* house with *his dad*. You, who are not his mother. Keep in mind you are the intruder into his world. If you care about the dad, then its going to be your job to become this boy's new best friend. His actions are a cry for help.

But I think you are going to have a hard time of this. Your language describing him is hostile (calling him 'the kid'). Its clear from your post you resent him. This is a fight you will not win. If you take an adversarial position in this you stand a very good chance the father will choose his son over your relationship. As any good father would. If the father were to post here, I'd tell him to break up with you and find a woman with children who understands the issues.
05-10-12, 01:14 AM
InYourFACE

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It sounds to me this kid is reacting to his parents divorce and you coming into the situation. Maybe he needs some counselling.

I agree with you i believe that 2.
He have a lot of hurt and unseen pain of all the break up and drama of his parents.

People need to realize that you can hurt a child so deep with the choices or things you say.
and you as one more gf, cant think that you will come in and everything will be okay with this kid.

His parents need to step up and he need counseling.
05-10-12, 06:04 PM
Oiy

I'm not saying that I'm naive to how the child is feeling. And I didn't jump into this relationship for the d!ck with no regards for the child.

He's rarely defiant towards me. And will run to me with any problems or when he needs advice. And he knows he can come to me with anything. But when he does raise his voice or get angry how do I handle it without stepping on toes? How do I properly approach my boyfriend without sounding like I'm stepping on toes or trying to step on toes? I'm not saying I want to whoop the kids ass and ground him. Im just confused how to appropriately "ask" how I should handle the situation when it happens.

And I don't say "the kid" with an underlining of I can't stand him. Is saying the child more appropriate? I don't want to use his name because it doesn't belong on here.

As for him acting out because I'm here, that would be inaccurate. He has said he's glad I'm here. I know he is hurting because of his parents divorce. His mother kept getting up and leaving for months on end and draining the bank accounts. Hes confused. Him and I talk often about how he feels. The son and I do not have a poor relationship. Ive been helping with his homework every night since we saw the progress report, I stay to watch his football practice, when I pull in the driveway he comes running and shouts BRITTNEY is here and meets me at the door.

When he gets frustrated and pissed off is when all hell breaks loose. All I'm asking is for some friendly advice on what is the best way to APPROACH my bf with how do I handle the lack of manners when hes in his mood. How do I NOT come off as a biatch. Because that's the last thing I want to do.

Am I being that inappropriate by thinking at the age of 10 when he is finished eating dinner he should pick his plate up? When he says an inappropriate word that I don't think a 10 year old should be saying, do I let it go because he's going through a rough time?

Again, I'm just asking for some pointers on how to approach my bf with these concerns. I'm not doing it to be mean, or to take place of his mother. However, I don't want the impression later on that he can walk all over me because I'm not the parent.
06-10-12, 01:40 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oiy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But when he does raise his voice or get angry how do I handle it without stepping on toes?

Look him in the eye and (quietly) say "Please don't speak to me that way. When you are calm, we can talk again."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oiy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How do I properly approach my boyfriend without sounding like I'm stepping on toes or trying to step on toes?

If your BF knows you care for the boy, and the boy cares for you, I doubt he would be offended by your approaching. People become offended when they feel they are being approached out of a place of criticism, but not when they are being approached from a place of concern.

This is the thing: I really don't think you are in the best position to be involved with a divorced man with a child. You don't have any personal experience raising children, and step children are 1000x more complex. These children have a lot of justifiable anger they can't process, and they take it out on the wrong people. Its much harder than you think, and it is usually a thankless job. And if you think things are complicated now, just wait until you have a child of your own.

I suggest you consider finding a man without these complications. You are young, and you still have options.
06-10-12, 01:47 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

I was actually surprised Vashti didn't chime in sooner, but I figured she'd have something viable to say. She pretty much nailed it top to bottom.
06-10-12, 01:58 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oiy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Am I being that inappropriate by thinking at the age of 10 when he is finished eating dinner he should pick his plate up? When he says an inappropriate word that I don't think a 10 year old should be saying, do I let it go because he's going through a rough time?

Those expectations aren't unreasonable, but they are developed as part of a larger parenting philosophy that you haven't been part of.

I couldn't agree more with Vash's comment about criticism vs. concern. Remember than any comments like this are a criticism of the father as well. I also agree w/her you are going to have a very hard time b/c of your own lack of experience with children.

"I don't want the impression later on that he can walk all over me because I'm not the parent." Could be said in a much kinder way than you put it. I very much doubt this boy is wanting to 'walk over you'. He's looking for love, which is what all children want. Show concern, not control.