He goes to stripper bars every week now, for 3 months - it's hard for me to get over

the fact that he is paying another woman for one-on-one time with her. even if he isn't screwing her, i am going crazy over this. we've been together 13 years and he says he doesn't get lap dances or private shows but every time he goes he takes $100 cash out at the ATM (twice he got $200) so pretty sure he's lying. Why is he lying? Do you think he is paying for a prostitute? I don't even know how much that would cost. It's a dump bar, in an industrial site but he keeps going back, even though it's caused problems between us, even though he said he wouldn't go back (twice he's told me that) and now he admits he's going and will continue to go, and doesn't get private treatment because that would be a breach of trust. So is it me - do I need to get over this? How am I supposed to lay next to him in bed when he comes home plastered at 3 a.m. when I know he makes bad decisions when he's drunk. Do I need to find a way to deal with this or .... or what? what is the alternative. it's tearing me up inside, it's like i'm obsessing about it, i think about it every day, i'm checking his phone and emails because if he lies about this, what else is he lying about? doesn't appear to be cheating, unless you count hanging out with whores cheating, which I kind of do. He is paying naked women to do sexually explicit things for him, what else do you call it? i wish he would quit going, but he won't, even though he knows i don't like it. i've tried to stay calm, not get upset the past 2 times he's went and i feel I'm going to go insane or blow up if I don't say something, but any time I get mad, about anything, he just gets mad at me for getting mad. i feel like trying to do something bad to get him back, but i just want our marraige to work and to not have to leave but i'm honestly considering it. part of me thinks that's something trivial to leave over, but part of me doesn't understand why he lies about it, why it's so important for him to go when he knows it causes great tension between us.

I'd be more worried that he's spending $100 of your joint money to get his drink on TWICE a week then I would be about him enjoying the sensual antics of some silly peeler. I hope he's not driving home afterward!

You've asked him to stop going, he won't. Now, you need to have the gurl balls to make a decision to either stop nagging the shit out of him about this and accept that this is the man you've chosen as your life partner OR... (recommended) You leave his drunken ass before he tears down your self-esteem one drunken lap dance at a time and leaves you with no liquid assets while he indulges in his addiction.

Your call, doll. You have complete control over your own actions ~ None whatsoever over anyone elses.

BTW: He lies about it because it's much easier and more fun to go out without having an arguement ringing in his ears. He knows (or takes for granted) that you're not going anywhere no matter what he does (or how much money he spends at it) so he'll just take the shit after the deed while he's confident in his thoughts that you'll get over it until next time. Vicious, crappy cycle, Yes? Your story is not unique, in fact they have a whole group of people that have very similar stories to your own. It's known as Al-anon.

Go to al-anon and get some help with your codependency. Doing that will help you with your need to conrol while you fail at it. It will also help you to make a decision on whether or not you can accept the things you cannot change.

Good luck.

thanks so much - i needed to hear this. you're not the first person to call me co-dependent, and not the first to suggest al-anon. excessive drinking has been going on for years, and he's always been that way so i didn't think i should try to change it. but now we have a 9 year old son. now he takes a flask to work with him every day. on the weekends he mixes his first vodka drink by 8 a.m. you are absolutely right, and I appreciate your time telling me something I think i already knew.

It's not surprising that you're obsessing about it. You wouldn't be human if his behaviour didn't bother you. Nobody should be treated so disrespectfully.
Whatever moral questions arise about him frequenting these places, the important issue is that he is making you feel terrible. That's not love. That's the
opposite of love. It's clear that you cannot bear to carry on like this. I would suggest offering him an ultimatum. You or the strip bars? If the marriage ends, it
will be painful but not as painful as continuing in a marriage where your feelings are not being taken into consideration.

that's what I think too, I guess I just need somebody else's opinion. i appreciate your time and your thoughts.

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Originally Posted by darcy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

thanks so much - i needed to hear this. you're not the first person to call me co-dependent, and not the first to suggest al-anon. excessive drinking has been going on for years, and he's always been that way so i didn't think i should try to change it. but now we have a 9 year old son. now he takes a flask to work with him every day. on the weekends he mixes his first vodka drink by 8 a.m. you are absolutely right, and I appreciate your time telling me something I think i already knew.

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You're welcome, darcy. Time to be strong and break the cycle. Look after yourself first so that you'll be the positive role model that your son needs in his life. You don't want him growing up seeing his father like this while you bicker for control all the while the little guy is being programmed to think that this is normal and all relationship are like this and men drink to exist.

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic in the sense that he's holding down a job but he's drinking way way WAY too much. And he needs to know that unless he sorts this out then you're leaving. He probably won't change though so start working out your escape plan.

i dont like drama or mess so leave him in his shity life , mve on.

to messy

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Originally Posted by wilf [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would suggest offering him an ultimatum. You or the strip bars? If the marriage ends, it
will be painful but not as painful as continuing in a marriage where your feelings are not being taken into consideration.

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Splitting can also be easier on the kid if his/her home life is noticeably messed up. I can't imagine having this guy around constantly, never even attempting to seek help, is making your son's life any easier.

I agree with wilf, lay it all on the line and if he doesn't put forth serious effort - if he doesn't try or does but quits - then you're going to have to decide if you want to stay and be unhappy...or if you want to leave. It will take work but once it's over, you'll feel proud of yourself.

thanks Fruitsss, you make a good point

thanks for your advice, it's very much appreciated.

So, what is your plan of action, Darcy. What's your next step?

You are married to an alcoholic. The whole situation can make you go insane. But your original post was about your concern about strip clubs and not so much his drinking. There are a million other pubs, why choose a strip club to get hammered in? There must be something that really appeals to him about seeing naked whores every night. I know all about alcoholism. Was with one for many years, but he never chose to drink at strip clubs. In fact he hated strip clubs and whores trying to make a buck for drugs(after all it is someone's daughter up on that pole). My ex much rather buy his booze and drink at home or on the weekends go to a pub. This didn't really bother me. It would have thrown me off the edge if he chose to frequent sleezy strip bars because it shows what type of person he really is.
After your talks with the hubby, he still refuses to say no to naked girls. Perhaps he is in love with a stripper there? I knew a guy who fell in love with a prostitute. This happens more than you may think. Anyhow, there must be some underlying reason as to why he keeps frequenting these places even after his wife has talked to him about it.

His problems are not yours. I'll make it easier for you....end the marriage. When you walk away, it might make him realize that he needs to get help. If not, you saved yourself a lot of grief.

you know, that's what i'm thinking. he's been a functioning alcoholic the whole time I've known him, and many years before that and it doesn't really bother me a lot. he was supposed to be going out with friends after work for a few drinks. i even encouraged him, because all he ever did was work and come home. i bought him golf packages, etc. to get him to have a hobby, so when he and a few guys wanted to go down to the local brewery once a week i said "great". then he started closing down the bars, which i didn't really like but hey, i'll try to be cool and there has to be a level of trust in a relationship and he's never done anything like this before. THEN i find out it's a stripper bar. I agree, why go to a strip club? I even went to check out this place and it is such a dive, only 2 pretty girls, the rest were barely attractive. so I'm wondering if it is one of those girls. i keep hoping it's a phase. he didn't go this week, but I get anxious every Wednesday because I think he's going to go - it is making me insane, i just don't think it's right. If there was something I did that truly bothered him I would stop doing it. So it's made me re-evaluate our whole relationship.

I started counseling yesterday, to get a second opinion. She also said I was co-dependent. Last month I decided upon a 6 month plan, so I don't make any rash decisions since I have my kid to consider now, and my plan is to try to hold off until March and re-evaluate. He doesn't know I know how much he spends, even though he's the one who told me to check his bank statements. As much as I try to stay calm I just can't, and I have to admit this is not something I can deal with. I don't think it's right, and I can't accept it...he didn't go last night (usually they go on Wednesdays), he just went to the brewery and came home by 8:30, which was the original plan to begin with, but he says one of the guys in his group of friends going thru a divorce has a crush on some stripper out there. So, I'm going to try and make it thru the holidays without saying anything but honestly don't think I can keep quite if he goes again, and realize it's time to deal with this, holidays or not.

not sure i'm replying in the right spot, but i did reply. it's good talking with you Wakeup!

My first comment was kind of short .
BUt if there is no abuse or cheating u can try what u can to make him wake up.

But i think its at him to do the real step to change his behavior.
And i can say that a drunk men ruins a whole house hold and his drunk behavior have big impact on kids now and later.

When talking doesn't help u need to go for actions.
When he is not drunk have a from heart to heart conversation with him about his drinking why is he doing it, and where do he want to be with u or with other woman?(have he always doing that\or is it something of the last years)???
Sometimes its have nothing to do with u but with the person having problem dealing with past issues that comes up.

So u can give him space to say what he wants to say. If there is a problem he need to say it and u 2 can work on it.
but it takes 2 to go to tango.

If he dont listing u need to come with actions.
Like let him know that if he keep doing the same thing u will divorce him.

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Originally Posted by darcy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you know, that's what i'm thinking. he's been a functioning alcoholic the whole time I've known him, and many years before that and it doesn't really bother me a lot. he was supposed to be going out with friends after work for a few drinks. i even encouraged him, because all he ever did was work and come home. i bought him golf packages, etc. to get him to have a hobby, so when he and a few guys wanted to go down to the local brewery once a week i said "great". then he started closing down the bars, which i didn't really like but hey, i'll try to be cool and there has to be a level of trust in a relationship and he's never done anything like this before. THEN i find out it's a stripper bar. I agree, why go to a strip club? I even went to check out this place and it is such a dive, only 2 pretty girls, the rest were barely attractive. so I'm wondering if it is one of those girls. i keep hoping it's a phase. he didn't go this week, but I get anxious every Wednesday because I think he's going to go - it is making me insane, i just don't think it's right. If there was something I did that truly bothered him I would stop doing it. So it's made me re-evaluate our whole relationship.

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I know the ins and outs of alcoholism because that is what I got to grow up with. You can hope all you want, but his behavior is not a "phase", it is a problem that is getting worse with each passing moment. You can't tell an alcoholic they have a problem, they are in denial until they hit rock bottom. They have to get to that point before they admit they need to get help to stop. But till then, you don't need to destroy your own life putting up with it. Your best bet is to go seek out an AA meeting in your area. It's not just for alcoholics but for people who live with one. They run 24 7. Just give them a call and they will tell you where and what time. At least you can have these individuals guide you through the process off dealing with this and help you understand this disease.

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Originally Posted by darcy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I started counseling yesterday, to get a second opinion. She also said I was co-dependent. Last month I decided upon a 6 month plan, so I don't make any rash decisions since I have my kid to consider now, and my plan is to try to hold off until March and re-evaluate. He doesn't know I know how much he spends, even though he's the one who told me to check his bank statements. As much as I try to stay calm I just can't, and I have to admit this is not something I can deal with. I don't think it's right, and I can't accept it...he didn't go last night (usually they go on Wednesdays), he just went to the brewery and came home by 8:30, which was the original plan to begin with, but he says one of the guys in his group of friends going thru a divorce has a crush on some stripper out there. So, I'm going to try and make it thru the holidays without saying anything but honestly don't think I can keep quite if he goes again, and realize it's time to deal with this, holidays or not.

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Good on you for looking out for yourself with the councelling, darcy. As I said, you have to look after you now because I'm sure you've been trying to look after everyone else and neglecting yourself for quite sometime now. Tell your husband how what he's doing is affecting you and your marriage. He needs to know that you're not going to enable him any longer. At the very least talk to your therapist to see if she thinks you should be laying it on the line sooner rather than later or at all.

Have you thought anything more about ala-non or mentioned about going to your therapist?

I agree the serious problem here is alcoholism... If that could make you feel more strong, have always in mind that your kid will thank you in the future for dealing with this in case you break this marriage. It would be a great lesson comparing to a silent approval of a white and not happy marriage...

Good luck. I wish the best...

Listen to the op people!!! The serious problem in their marriage is not alcohol! She has stated that she met him when he was a functioning alcoholic, she has encouraged him to go to bars with friends. The issue that is driving her insane is the spot he chooses to drink. A strip bar!!!! Just because all u ppl think alchoholics are huge deals etc are your own opinions. The act of drinking doesn't bother the op as does the fact that her hubby chooses to frequent strippers and him not stopping even after she has addressed her concerns with him which leads her imagination to think the worst like cheating. I've dealt with alchoholism and am not really bothered by the act of drinking alcohol everyday. The act of staying out till 3am at a dumpy strip joint would hurt me 10000x worse. I'm sure the op would agree and would be much happier in her marriage if her hubby chose to drink at home or at a normal pub as opposed to watching naked women. The anxiety is eating away at her because she is scared he could be cheating! So I'm sure the op would feel exactly the same if her hubby frequented strip clubs, stayed up till 3am and sipped on plain cranberry juice all night.

Sorry but from my experience with watching the alcoholics in my family, alcoholism does dictate poor choices and bad behavior....it's a downward spiral. For some it comes along like a season, or in waves, or a long slow decline. Then it becomes a total disconnect from those who love and care about them.


I speak from experience....my brother was like this. But since he cut out drinking completely he is a totally different person.

I know I'm sort of late on this one but its a good thing that your doing something about this. It's alot that goes on strip clubs. I used to work as a hostess in one (I know I know) but some chicks in there (some) be popping pills and drinking and messing around with each other and if he drunk theres not no telling what he is doing in there. They do be showing p**** in real strip clubs too and if hes that faded then whose to say he can handle it. If hes that drunk and driving home that is an issue in it self. Smh. Its best that you are taking care of this because if he taking that money in there, a stripper will do a little extra to get something.
So good luck to you and the counseling. Your taking steps which is great.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sorry but from my experience with watching the alcoholics in my family, alcoholism does dictate poor choices and bad behavior....it's a downward spiral. For some it comes along like a season, or in waves, or a long slow decline. Then it becomes a total disconnect from those who love and care about them.


I speak from experience....my brother was like this. But since he cut out drinking completely he is a totally different person.

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Yes I get how being in a drunken state makes ppl make poor decisions and clouds their judgement. But why strip clubs? Why naked chicks? Why a place that offers sex? Why is it that he didn't frequent this place before but in the last 3 months have become a regular? I get the whole liquid courage and making poor judgements of drinking and driving, getting into bar fights, cussing at your grandmother... But he is planning on going to these strip bars. When he wakes up in the morning, he isn't hammered. He has planned that he will take out x amount of money to go to the strip club that night. There is some underlying issue with the op's hubby and strip clubs. It's not a drunken, spur of the moment bad judgement that he finds himself among naked whores. It's him planning on being surrounded by naked whores, him telling his wife that he ain't gunna stop seeing these naked whores after she's talked to him about it. He has those non-drunken moments to absorb his wife's feelings, but disrespects the family due to some sort of "strong pull" coming from that damn sleezy strip bar.

You don't know alcoholics. Alcoholics and people who drink are totally different. They don't need to be intoxicated or even have to consume alcohol, to have poor behavior. Alcohol in itself changes their personality. Self entitlement is one of the traits. Promiscuity, depression, short tempered, cheating, lying, memory loss,...alcoholics disrespect their loved ones, and they don't see it as such. If you confront, or talk to them about their behavior, they get apprehensive, defensive, blame everyone for their problems....big fat denial. That is why they call it a disease, it alters behavior, their perspective. Going to the strippers, lying and spending excessive amounts of money are symptoms of his drinking. I'm not saying what he is doing is right...obviously it is very damaging to his marriage, BUT understanding the root of what is causing this, is alcohol.

bcgirl, you are right. I agree with you too Smackie. Its all in there together because when he stop drinking I think MAYBE he will stop visiting the nasty strip clubs.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't know alcoholics. Alcoholics and people who drink are totally different. They don't need to be intoxicated or even have to consume alcohol, to have poor behavior. Alcohol in itself changes their personality. Self entitlement is one of the traits. Promiscuity, depression, short tempered, cheating, lying, memory loss,...alcoholics disrespect their loved ones, and they don't see it as such. If you confront, or talk to them about their behavior, they get apprehensive, defensive, blame everyone for their problems....big fat denial. That is why they call it a disease, it alters behavior, their perspective. Going to the strippers, lying and spending excessive amounts of money are symptoms of his drinking. I'm not saying what he is doing is right...obviously it is very damaging to his marriage, BUT understanding the root of what is causing this, is alcohol.

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Smackie, ive Been in love with a functioning alcoholic for many many years. I've seen what alcohol can do. Believe me, I've seen it all first hand. I know what it's like to live with someone you love who wakes up and starts drinking everyday. There wasn't one day in all those years I didn't see him drink. All alcoholics are different, just like all diseases. You may have one alcoholic that binges and blacks out and doesn't touch alcohol again until the next binge. And then you may have an alcoholic that doesn't get drunk but drinks beer everyday and just has a steady buzz. What I feel like you are doing is trying to compare apples and oranges smackie. Just because your brother is a goofball when he is drink doesn't mean every alcoholic is the same way when they are drunk. I know all about temper and alcohol altering moods etc. I wouldn't have responded to this thread if I don't have a clue about alchohlism. I've been surrounded by alcoholics and have witnessed MANY times a drunk hammered alcoholic say "no" to going to a strip club when they are among their drunk male buddies that are nagging him to go. I've witnessed MANY times a drunk hammered alcoholic say "no" to drinking and driving. So although alchohol clouds a persons judgement, you don't see ppl totally hammered and deciding to go jump off a 60 story building (unless they were suicidal). Yes some ppl drink and drive...but here is something interesting... My province implemented VERY strict rules on drinking and driving. It's pretty much zero tolerance and if u get caught, very huge consequences. The result? A huge (more than 50%) decrease in drunk drivers when they check on their road blocks, plus adding more road blocks in place. What does that tell you? Alcoholics don't wanna get caught. So they may still make poor judgements, but they still have a conscience that is telling them... If u get caught, you are fu(ked! I don't think the op's conscience towards his own family is strong enough to resist his horiness.

He is disrespectful, an asshole, possible cheat, liar, we get that, but I feel ranting about it is counter productive. Take a course of action and that is communication with him about his behavior, drinking etc. Got to stick to your guys and don't fall into being manipulated with bs. If he refuses to admit he has a problem, walk. Like I said alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they realize they do have a problem and sometimes cutting them out of your life helps them with that realization.

It's my province too....I live in Surrey BC. I am very familiar with the drinking and driving laws, but this has nothing to do with this thread.

I was raised by an alcoholic mother, many members of my family were alcoholic, my brother, ex BF's, friends. I have even been to AA meeting with my mom to listen to the stories of others because my mom wanted me to get a clearer picture of what this disease is all about. I'm not saying every alcoholic man will go see hookers....just that in this case, this man's behavior is based on his drinking. Like I said, I saw my brother go through the same deal with his drinking. Since he has stopped, there is no infidelity, or excessive spending, lying etc. He admitted to me if he continued with his drinking he would have lost everything in his life.

I want this women to have some hope that if she can get him to quite drinking, she probably will see dramatic improvement in her relationship with her husband. Of course there is no guarantee, but at least she can try.

Wow - I LOVE everyone's response, I really appreciate your opinions. Smackie9 you hit the nail on the head...he blames everyone for his problems, he gets defensive, short tempered and self entitled. And bcgirl, you are right - he knows he's going to go and when he's mad at me (for getting mad at him for going when he says he won't - he's even had plans with his son that he totally blew off and I'm trying to explain to my kid why Dad isn't coming home to watch the movie with you like he promised) he spends $200 instead of his usual $100. PradaChannel, with your experience in these clubs, you know just what I'm talking about...even if he wouldn't cheat when he's sober, what's he gonna do when he's drunk and a hot chick is showing him her p---- and telling him what he wants to hear and boosting his ego so she can make some money...he's gonna make a poor decision and figure "why not?" and do it anyway. If he will go there anyway, knowing I don't like it, he'll screw her too, or get a bj or who knows what else. I feel it's cheating, regardless, because the fact is he is choosing to go, choosing to spend family money on a whore for some one-on-one time with HER, whoever it is, how many girls there are, he is making a decision to do it anyway and to he-- with me. So, it's really good to get all of your opinons because I (for some reason) was filled with doubt and wondering if it was just me. It's good to have your insight, from all of you, and ssssspanos you are right - my "silent" approval speaks volumes and it's not the right kind. My counselor is going to help with my apparent co-dependency issues and I'm going to be the strong, confident person I used to be and stay calm while I tell him I can't deal with this anymore, and that he needs to make a choice. No fighting, no drama, he will probably get mad but I'm prepared for it and ready to accept the fact that this is on him - if he continues to choose to go I can't take it and we will need to go our separate ways. And wakeup you're right, it's time to get my gurl balls, stand up for myself and let him know how I feel - I hope he will make the right decision but if he doesn't I can't continue to compromise my values and my sanity and my self esteem for this. As fruitsss said, it's up to him to change his behavior. You all ROCK!!

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I want this women to have some hope that if she can get him to quite drinking, she probably will see dramatic improvement in her relationship with her husband. Of course there is no guarantee, but at least she can try.

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And you should also know that trying to get an alcoholic to quit is nearly impossible. If an alcoholic ain't ready, well you can kiss that hope goodbye. Giving "hope" to a wife that her husband may one day quit is even more ludicrous. I've held on to "hope" for many years, never got me anywhere. Ended up leaving the alcoholic anyways and wished I would have sooner... If it wasn't for damn "hope".

Darcy, hang in there. Don't hang into hope. His behaviour won't change and he might have to learn the hard way and hit Rick bottom. But of course I've also dealt with a mother losing 3 children and still wasn't rock bottom for her. I understand how difficult it is to try to have a normal, calm discussion about this and your hubby has been drinking and your words are going in one ear and out the other and what it ends up in is a fight because he gets all loud and defensive. You either need to deal with living like this, or get out. It's crazy how you can live your life wondering if he's cheating with hookers. What if he brings home a disease that's in curable?? You gotta stand up for yourself and know you are incapable of curing him. He has his own battles.

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Originally Posted by darcy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow - I LOVE everyone's response, I really appreciate your opinions. Smackie9 you hit the nail on the head...he blames everyone for his problems, he gets defensive, short tempered and self entitled. And bcgirl, you are right - he knows he's going to go and when he's mad at me (for getting mad at him for going when he says he won't - he's even had plans with his son that he totally blew off and I'm trying to explain to my kid why Dad isn't coming home to watch the movie with you like he promised) he spends $200 instead of his usual $100. PradaChannel, with your experience in these clubs, you know just what I'm talking about...even if he wouldn't cheat when he's sober, what's he gonna do when he's drunk and a hot chick is showing him her p---- and telling him what he wants to hear and boosting his ego so she can make some money...he's gonna make a poor decision and figure "why not?" and do it anyway. If he will go there anyway, knowing I don't like it, he'll screw her too, or get a bj or who knows what else. I feel it's cheating, regardless, because the fact is he is choosing to go, choosing to spend family money on a whore for some one-on-one time with HER, whoever it is, how many girls there are, he is making a decision to do it anyway and to he-- with me. So, it's really good to get all of your opinons because I (for some reason) was filled with doubt and wondering if it was just me. It's good to have your insight, from all of you, and ssssspanos you are right - my "silent" approval speaks volumes and it's not the right kind. My counselor is going to help with my apparent co-dependency issues and I'm going to be the strong, confident person I used to be and stay calm while I tell him I can't deal with this anymore, and that he needs to make a choice. No fighting, no drama, he will probably get mad but I'm prepared for it and ready to accept the fact that this is on him - if he continues to choose to go I can't take it and we will need to go our separate ways. And wakeup you're right, it's time to get my gurl balls, stand up for myself and let him know how I feel - I hope he will make the right decision but if he doesn't I can't continue to compromise my values and my sanity and my self esteem for this. As fruitsss said, it's up to him to change his behavior. You all ROCK!!

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Don't lose sight of the point that if he gets the help he needs for his addiction then he wouldn't be going to ANY bar. As you learn about codependency, darcy you'll understand what "enabling" is and you'll stop being one. Once you stop being one, you will then have the strength to take the step to make your own life and that of your son's a happy and healthy one away from the alcholic. You'll understand that you have no control over his drinking (or choices where he drinks) and you'll change the things you can which is what You will do not what he does or will do.

If after he hits some kind of rock bottom, he will see the light but not before then. His rock bottom may be your leaving or it may not. His rock bottom may be getting a DUI or losing his job.. but just keep in mind that this is nothing you have control over. YOU and what YOU do is where your control lays.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie it will help you to understand.

I think most everyone now a days has some experience with an alcoholic family member or friend, unfortunately.

That's the EXACT same book my counselor suggested.

A family friend of mine is an alchoholic and drug addict. She ended up hooking to support her addictions despite having children. Her children were taken away from her by the court of law. That wasn't rock bottom. She ended up homeless living on the worst street in North America "east Hastings" (you know what I'm talking about smackie). She stole to feed her addictions. She was a hooker to feed her addictions. She was stabbed, shot, beaten many times and that wasn't rock bottom. I took her in sometimes when she needed the help. It's funny she had never ever stole from me even in desperate times. Not a peny was ever missing yet she managed to live a very fu(ked up life all high and drunk. Anyways, Darcy to answer your question about the whores in the bars.... Yes they do prey on drunk men with money to spend. My hooker friend uses this tactic as does many working girls. And oddly enough, most clients are married men who they think their wives have no clue. And you would be surprised how many married men end up falling in love with their hookers. This would be the easiest money for them

Darcy: Do not let other peoples horror stories frighten you. Keep focused on the goal which is YOU becoming strong and healthy enough to do what YOU have to do to make your's and your son's life a good one. If your husband sees the light and changes after your gone (or before you leave) then that is a bonus. Just know that you have zero control over his choices. That is what codependency is.. you trying to have control and failing at it. It's as much of an addiction as any addiction only it doesn't entail substance abuse.

Darcy I wish you all the best, whatever the outcome. Please come back and up date us. It seems everyone has really put an effort into this thread to help you out. Congratz on everyone here who has participated.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Darcy: Do not let other peoples horror stories frighten you. Keep focused on the goal which is YOU becoming strong and healthy enough to do what YOU have to do to make your's and your son's life a good one. If your husband sees the light and changes after your gone (or before you leave) then that is a bonus. Just know that you have zero control over his choices. That is what codependency is.. you trying to have control and failing at it. It's as much of an addiction as any addiction only it doesn't entail substance abuse.

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K so I guess AA/ Alnon meetings are out of the question cuz you will hear horror stories after horror stories in there.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

K so I guess AA/ Alnon meetings are out of the question cuz you will hear horror stories after horror stories in there.

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My advice was for her to not let others horror stories distract from her concentrating on her own recovery. Hearing a horror story sans the support that goes with it (at al-anon meetings) is what I'm against... not ala-non or hearing stories in general.

Further: The stories darcy hears in a 12 step programme will be from those in the same stage and getting help first hand. Wherein she can give support back once she is actually able to identify with which is being codependent and an enabler.