My boyfriend has had MANY sexual partners, and I dont think I can get over it!

Hi All

I've been seeing a guy but we haven't had a sexual relationship, just good freinds at the moment but we were thinking of getting married as we are both religously committed now. The other day he told me that before he became religous he had slept with over 70 girls, most of which were one night stands and only a couple were within relationships and this really upset me. I find it hard to believe that someone I can actually like can behave in such a disgusting and pathetic manner. He said he was going through a rough patch about 5 years ago and was living with a freind who had encouraged him, apparently it was part of a competition - but that just makes me think what an idiot, to follow someone elses stupidity!! I doubt that he was using protection as said most of the time he was under the influence of drink and other intoxicants. I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to germs and sti's etc and keep thinking will i catch something later?!!, even though he said he has been tested recently, can I really trust him? One of his ex's bf was a homosexual and he has had threesomes. When he first told me he thought it was funny and it seemed like he was bragging until I told him I was disgusted by it and then he kept saying how sorry he was and he would only have eyes for his wife etc. Also sometimes he is not a nice person, not the best bf I have ever had, but i do fancy him quite a bit and occasionally he is nice to me. The other issue is i told him to get rid off the other girls numbers from his phone and later found out they were still in contact as he is 'good' freinds with them. Some of his ex's still have his number and he said he wont change it. I havent yet slept with anyone as I believe in being in love first but I really don't think he deserves someone like me. He keeps saying he has changed but every so often he tells me a girl gave him her number or something like that. He has never pressurised me and says he wants to wait etc and isnt interested in sex just a cuddle etc - probably because he's damaged it or something! He says that other guys who are 'pure' have prob gone to prostitutes and will always wonder what it was like but he has got it out of his system. This kindve thinking really annoys me but im not sure if he is right...?

If it was a fair world he would only get someone who slept with equally the same amount of guys. It's not too late for me to get rid off him but im finding it hard to find someone who I have feelings for and click, with my background and religous beliefs to get married and at my age and then vice versa. My freinds say to RUN away (and not walk!!!) ASAP. What would you do?

If you believe in God and being "saved" and this man is now religious, then how come you can't believe that his past is in the past? If you can't trust that God has made him see the way, then you are a hypocrite to your own beliefs

I'm not religious but I felt the need to point out to you that you don't even trust that your man as "seen the light." Oh well, I guess God has forgiven him even if you can't. O.o

I think u will stay till he go hard on you and makes u suffer.
Cause its all clear that he is a messy dude. And he is not what u want . but u still
hanging cause of low self esteem and 20 % nice that u see in him

He plays u and the others.

Anyway happy new year.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you believe in God and being "saved" and this man is now religious, then how come you can't believe that his past is in the past? If you can't trust that God has made him see the way, then you are a hypocrite to your own beliefs

I'm not religious but I felt the need to point out to you that you don't even trust that your man as "seen the light." Oh well, I guess God has forgiven him even if you can't. O.o

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Exactly what I was thinking. Your religion preaches forgiveness.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” - Mahatma Ghandi

there are too many variables at play for us to make an educated decision for you. Basically it comes down to: if someone told you this is as good as it gets, would you be content?

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Also sometimes he is not a nice person, not the best bf I have ever had, but i do fancy him quite a bit and occasionally he is nice to me. The other issue is i told him to get rid off the other girls numbers from his phone and later found out they were still in contact as he is 'good' freinds with them. Some of his ex's still have his number and he said he wont change it.

My freinds say to RUN away (and not walk!!!) ASAP. What would you do?

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Your standards are your own, but since you asked, I would leave this guy. The sexual history alone isn't the deal breaker (some people have wild pasts and get it out of their systems), but the current behaviour says he really doesn't respect himself. Ergo, he won't respect you either (and doesn't, from the sound of things). Really, you are doing him a favour too. Noone should be with someone who doesn't take them as they fundamentally are. He would be compromising for you too, and that's never a good start to a relationship.

Hope this helps.

The way I understand it, churches have marriage classes that can be taken prior to actually getting married. Have you asked your religous leader about talking to the both of you about relationship boundaries and coming to compromises about what is and is not longer acceptable behaviour within a monogomous, mutally reciprocal relationship?

You can bolt now because he thinks that talking to his past lover's is acceptable within a marital union or you can look into seeing just how freaking religious he is and see if he'll listen to your pastor of choice. No religious figure will recommend that he keep past lovers in his life. . . or I'd be surprised if they did.

I'm trying to figure out why you even asked. I know not to ask a man that question if I really like him because as long as he with me and is not still sleeping around then the past doesnt concern me. As another poster said, if God has forgiven him then why cant you? Why does he even need your forgiveness? Was he with you when he slept with those people? As long as he is clear and clean then let that stay in the past.

Thats what I would normally say, but being as to how his ex dated someone who was a homo...that is enough to make me feel some sort of way to. He needs to be clean and I feel you if you dont want no part of that. Find someone pure as you claim to be. Also, if you really think about it, if you are seeing someone who has slept with other people, its no telling what kind of sexual past the people who they were with had and all that should be taken into consideration but unless you go with a virgin then you cant control the past. So I would say make him get tested, make sure he clear.

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Also sometimes he is not a nice person, not the best bf I have ever had, but i do fancy him quite a bit and occasionally he is nice to me.

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dwn2earth, I suspect the posters who've replied so far were so taken aback by your unChristian attitude that they missed this part of your message.

No matter whether he's had zero or 70 partners, the fact that he's mostly not nice means that you shouldn't be marrying him.

That being said, I'm wondering why he's thinking of marrying you. It's not as if you like or respect him - so *love* isn't part of the equation. So, what's in it for him? Do you have money or assets that he's finding attractive?

True... I hadn't even seen that.

Just because I'm religous it doesnt mean I can forgive and forget! Im not Jesus. It's not about that I just cant believe that someone can do that to themselves and to others....what kind of monster would do that? What was he thinking? I just dont get it. Well i dont have much money, i do have a reasonable job. Apparently he really likes me and says i have a great sense of humour. He is funny too and I do fancy him, and thats what I like about him, but is that enough?

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Apparently he really likes me and says i have a great sense of humour. He is funny too and I do fancy him, and thats what I like about him, but is that enough?

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only you can answer that question. We don't know all the variables. From the sounds of things, it would probably lead to an unhealthy relationship if you stayed with him. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt since you're actually contemplating spending the rest of your life with this man. When I proposed to my wife, there was no doubt in my mind we were meant to be together. If you told me back then that this was as good as it gets, I would have been perfectly fine with that

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I doubt that he was using protection as said most of the time he was under the influence of drink and other intoxicants. I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to germs and sti's etc and keep thinking will i catch something later?!!, even though he said he has been tested recently, can I really trust him?

Also sometimes he is not a nice person, not the best bf I have ever had

The other issue is i told him to get rid off the other girls numbers from his phone and later found out they were still in contact as he is 'good' freinds with them. Some of his ex's still have his number and he said he wont change it.

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I agree with Indi, his history alone is not really an issue. I separated the three main issues above that I think require attention instead.

If he had unprotected sex in the past then there are at least 2 things you should worry about. Stds which can be found via blood test (HIV, Hepatitis etc.) and ones that require other tests to discover (HPV, crabs etc.) To be entirely sure he is clean you would need at the very least to see the results of all of these tests. If you don't, you put yourself at risk to lifelong std in the first group or something like potential cervical cancer in the second group.

Second, I can see some trust issues. You asked him to change his phone number so his exs can't reach him (you don't trust him) and he refused (he understand the trust issue, but refuses to avert it).

Third, you don't see him as a very nice person (at least sometimes). I guess the question here is why would you want to be with someone that you resent? (even if occasionally).

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just because I'm religous it doesnt mean I can forgive and forget! Im not Jesus.

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But wouldn't a Christian at least be working towards forgiveness?

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I just cant believe that someone can do that to themselves and to others....what kind of monster would do that?

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Hang on, we're discussing consentual sex here...aren't we? Or did I miss something about him being mass rapist? Seriously woman, you need to get a grip.

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He is funny too and I do fancy him, and thats what I like about him, but is that enough?

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No, it's not enough. You appear to have neither love or respect for him and without those things, the relationship is doomed.

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Originally Posted by Mish [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Third, you don't see him as a very nice person (at least sometimes). I guess the question here is why would you want to be with someone that you resent? (even if occasionally).

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Thanks everyone. I hear what youre sayin but i think ill give it a chance. I have a lot of self esteem issues and baggage from the past, so not easy for me to find a guy.

A big scary monster huh?

Lol. Oh man! This world is filled with interesting people indeed

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks everyone. I hear what youre sayin but i think ill give it a chance. I have a lot of self esteem issues and baggage from the past, so not easy for me to find a guy.

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Now there's a wonderful reason to continue a relationship. What a lucky dude!

**Hand slapping forehead moment**

This marriage is going to sh!t before it has already begun. You are going to go ahead and do something stupid like marry a guy you deep down know isn't right for you because you are desperate. He's found god and has changed, that's great... But ppl don't drastically change over night. There is this 60 yr old lady who is very religious. Her hubby of 30 yrs is having an affair, she despises him but still remains in a crap marriage because of her religion. I can foresee yourself being in that situation if you end up marrying him. It's your decision whether you want to be a Virgin till your wedding night, but also keep in mind that sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. He's been with the good, the bad, the mind blowing and the kinky. If you do decide to stay with him, you will have to let go of his past. If you can't, then you shouldn't be with him. Period. Also, how long have you been dating? I get a feeling a very short amount of time. If this is the case, I strongly suggest dating for at least a year before talking the next step. And if he is treating you badly now, it's just a glimpse into how he will be in the future.

1. You're ****ing stupid.

2. You're, most certainly, not down to earth as your name implies.

3. If you can't get over it, let him know and stop talking to him.

4. See 1 and 2.

5. Kill yourself.

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Originally Posted by dwn2earth [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks everyone. I hear what youre sayin but i think ill give it a chance. I have a lot of self esteem issues and baggage from the past, so not easy for me to find a guy.

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So you came here, and looking back at this thread i think you have seen some top class advice. See Basilandthymes' posts, for example. And you chose to ignore them completely? You are making a big mistake.

And let me add one thing: If you think that an unhappy marriage without mutual respect will do any good for your self esteem you are in for a very uncomfortable surprise...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink!

WakeUp, can't you see we're dealing with a sheep here?

I think we've lost another one...

OP you can hook up with this guy after your relationship burns to cinders, he'd be a wonderful fit for you http://www.loveforum.net/members/58308-Love-sReject