Once A Cheater Always A Cheater? -- Need Advice

I met this guy online 7 months ago, he lives on the other side of the planet from where I am. We`ve been chatting, talking to each other every single day. Things were perfect between us and we fell deeply in love with each other during the third month. We chatted and talked so much on the phone even more than normal couples do. We know each other so well that we can almost read each other’s thought. He was jobless for almost 9 months and recently he got a new job, the first thing he bought after he got his first pay was the air tickets to my place. It costs a lot for him knowing his financial situation was bad after 9 months being jobless. I was so touched and also excited about finally being able to meet up after 7 months of intense online relationship and more than a thousand hour of chatting every single day. He will be taking a 30 hours flights in total with return just to meet me for 3 days because he has to work and can`t stay any longer. What he did was a big thing to me cause I believe he wouldn`t do that if he didn`t love me enough. We even discussed that if we can get along well (which we believe we definitely will) he doesn`t mind moving to my place to start a new life with me. I know we have gone a bit too far knowing the fact that we have not met each other but sometimes things just happened and I`m not able to explain that. I`m 33 and he is 36 we are mature enough to know what we are doing

Recently I found out on Facebook that he took some intimate pictures with another girl. I confronted him, he apologized and admitted that he was having an affair with that girl but he also said that he loves me and I`m the only person he wants and the usual “I don`t know why I did it” kind of stuffs. He even cried on the phone and told me how sorry he is for doing such horrible thing. He said that the girl isn`t his girlfriend but an acquaintance that he sees from time to time to fill the gap, he doesn`t love her. He did this purely just for personal closeness as in things he can`t do with me such as spending time together, body contact, sex etc. All this while he has been very clear about what he wants, he said he wants to be with me and me only. I found out about them because the girl created a shared Facebook account and upload their kissing photos and the worst thing is he allowed her to do so. He also told me that he ended with this girl even before I found out. He showed me a message he sent to her telling her that he needs a couple of months apart and wants some time on his own. The message he sent dated one week before he was caught. He said that he couldn`t stand the guilt and he wanted to end it with her so that he can start an official relationship with me next month when we meet. I even got him sending a message to that girl telling her that he is in a relationship with someone and he has been throughout the whole course of their 2 months affair. I asked her to get the girl to delete their shared Facebook account as well. He did it and showed me the screen shot so I believe he didn`t lie about ending it with that girl.

However, I still consider it as cheating even though we have never met. He promised me that he will never cheat on me again and he will cut all connection with this girl. I tried to get him to talk about it he was ok at first, being opened and told me everything I wanted to know about the affair and he told me how sorry he was and how much he loves me every time we talked. But lately he has changed, he seems to lose his patience on me and he said that he doesn`t want to be interrogated all the time. He didn`t call and text that much anymore at the usual time he normally did. This happened after I ignored him for 4 days. When I started to talk to him again, I noticed he has changed, but he still said that he loves me and wants to be with me. He still called me when I asked him to but he always cut the conversation short whenever I start questioning him about the girl and the affair. How could he expect me not to question? I`ve been struggling and he was the one causing all this pain for me. He should be the one doing the majority of the work to repair things. He doesn`t want to be questioned could it be he`s still lying or hiding things from me? I don`t know if I should still meet up with him next month. I don`t know after this incident whether I can still rebuild the trust for him. On the other hand I feel bad if I tell him not to come cause I don`t want to meet him anymore knowing that he has paid for his air tickets. Should I forgive him and meet up with him as planned? Or should I believe once a cheater always a cheater and stop contacting him for good?


Shainesy

how do you know that you are not the other woman? He could live with her, she could be his wife or long term girlfriend..

I dont consider what he did to you cheating. You have never met in person, never slept together etc. You cant be in an official exclusive relationship when you have never met. Its unrealistic.

Do you not think it would make more sense to meet someone local??

First of all, don't enter into relationships that far apart unless you've known the person for a long, long, long time as friends.

Second, Michelle is right. You have no idea what this guy is like. For all you know, he could be married and doing this to seventeen other women.

He cheated on you. You can't trust him. So, end it. Find someone around your area- your DIRECT area- and go on a few dates. There's someone better out there who will actually treat you well. He obviously doesn't care at all if he cheated on you.

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Originally Posted by Rowen [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

First of all, don't enter into relationships that far apart unless you've known the person for a long, long, long time as friends.

Second, Michelle is right. You have no idea what this guy is like. For all you know, he could be married and doing this to seventeen other women.

He cheated on you. You can't trust him. So, end it. Find someone around your area- your DIRECT area- and go on a few dates. There's someone better out there who will actually treat you well. He obviously doesn't care at all if he cheated on you.

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Thanks Michelle and Rowen for the reply. Yes we have never met, but we are going to next month. Lots of couples who met online will have to go through the so called "unofficial" state until they finally met each other and start an "official" relationship. So now my problem is I`m not sure whether I should still meet him and get to know him better. If what he did wasn`t cheating like what Michelle said, should I give him a chance to meet up with me?

But how do you know for sure that the woman on Facebook is not his girlfriend/fiance/wife. He could have kids for all you know.

I said in my opinion its not cheating but I am biased as I would not do internet dating as I don't trust it personally and I wouldn't believe a word a stranger says online. But I'm not you and you think it is cheating. He obviously does too or he would not have begged for forgiveness.

I think your wasting your time here with this man. Why don't you get all dressed up and go out and about. It will only be a matter of time before you have men lining up asking you out and then you can get to know him properly face to face.

7months online is fantasy. He could be a completely different person than the images you have drawn up in your mind of him.

Realistically if you met this man down the road 7 months ago, you would have met his family by now, you'd be staying over at each others house regularly, sleeping together-some trust would already have been established, you wouldn't have so many questions still whirling around in your mind.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But how do you know for sure that the woman on Facebook is not his girlfriend/fiance/wife. He could have kids for all you know.

I said in my opinion its not cheating but I am biased as I would not do internet dating as I don't trust it personally and I wouldn't believe a word a stranger says online. But I'm not you and you think it is cheating. He obviously does too or he would not have begged for forgiveness.

I think your wasting your time here with this man. Why don't you get all dressed up and go out and about. It will only be a matter of time before you have men lining up asking you out and then you can get to know him properly face to face.

7months online is fantasy. He could be a completely different person than the images you have drawn up in your mind of him.

Realistically if you met this man down the road 7 months ago, you would have met his family by now, you'd be staying over at each others house regularly, sleeping together-some trust would already have been established, you wouldn't have so many questions still whirling around in your mind.

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Hi Michelle, to certain degree I do agree with you about not being able to know whether he is single or married. I know there`s no 100% guarantee when comes to online relationship but I did some background check online before about this man. I have his house address, his home phone number etc because there was once he sent me his CV and asked me to make some amendments for him when his computer broke down. Based on the search result apparently he is living with his family that includes his mum and his siblings. I have seen all their pictures as well. We do video chat in Skype quite often and his room looks completely like a messy single man room to me.

As for the girl in Facebook who created a shared account with him, the account was only created last December and the photo she uploaded were all recent photos. That girl has another account of her own and they don`t really have any mutual friends. There are one or two just added last month so I came out with the conclusion that just 2 months ago he started dating the girl, which is the same as what he told me. If she is his long term gf, he wouldn`t send her a message asking her to delete the account and told her that he wanted to end the short relationship with her because he has been in a relationship with me. He sent me a screen shot of all these messages he sent to her. These are all the info I gathered therefore I came out with a conclusion that he is single, again I know I can`t be 100% sure of that. We`ve been talking to each other daily for the past 7 months, sometimes we chatted up to 12 hours a day, it would also be difficult for a married man to do that

7 months online wasn`t really that long, but 7 months online and talking to each other daily is something I have never experienced. I wasn`t an online dating type of person, I never had any boyfriend started from online dating. If I don`t meet him, I will never know how is it like to see him in real person and whether or not we can still get along well when everything we had and shared online are being brought to the real world, it will forever be a question mark in my head if I don`t meet him. On the other hand, if I go ahead and meet him, if we really do start an official relationship, things will no longer be perfect despite the long distance because I might not trust him again after the cheating part. The date of meeting him is getting close and I still can`t make up my mind >_<

Thats the thing. If you and he do get together and it all works out well between you-will you still look back at his affair and be upset? Will you be afraid it will happen again?
Without trust you have nothing.

Also he could have feelings for her. Their relationship was probably more real than yours as I presume he slept with her?

I can't believe that you have even made it this far. 7 months without ever meeting the guy is a pretty damn long time. I'm going through something similar, have known her for a little less than 2 months and going to visit her soon, simply because we both didn't want to wait any longer. We want to know if it's worth putting all this time and effort into it. The longer you wait, the worse it usually gets, especially when it comes to trust - as you can see for yourself right now.

Quite honestly, that huge distance between you two is just going to drive you up the wall. You'll never be really happy with your relationship. Why go through all this trouble if you can find someone else in your area?

Yes he definitely slept with her, he admitted that. And yes their relationship is also more real because they are both living in the same city they can do whatever I can`t do with him, as of now. However, if he wanted to be with her, why did he end the relationship with her even before I found out and spend so much on the air tickets flying half the earth just to see me for three days. He got his tickets on the 3rd this month, he ended with her on 7th (based on the date on screen shot of their conversation he sent to me), and I found out about them on the 15th

Thanks for the reply Bearz. I`m sure I can find someone in my area, there are lots of fish in the sea, who wants to be in this kind of crazy long distant relationship if given a choice. Sometimes things happened and it has gone too far even without you realizing it. Since you are also in a long distant online relationship, I believe you can understand perfectly how it feels.

I can totally understand how it feels when you spend most of your day talking to someone you think is "the" one. But he has done things that are bothering you a lot, and you are not the only girl on his mind (even though he presumably broke up with her). Actions speak louder than words and unfortunately, words is all you are getting at this point. Your trust in him has definitely taken a big hit and if I had the choice I wouldn't want to put up with all of this. I know if the girl I am in to would hook up with a different guy it would be the end and I would have to let her go.

I think if he was serious about meeting you and wanted this to go somewhere he wouldn't have bothered with her. He may just want a booty call and then dump you like he did her..

So you wouldn`t even want to meet her knowing that she has bought the tickets flying more than 6000 miles just to see you?

Talking to someone who lives so far away daily for 7 months just for booty calls don`t you think its time consuming and expensive?

But you may just be an escape from reality (like porn), a distraction, a fantasy, something to do while bored etc. If he was really serious about your relationship why would he start something with her? And I think its even weirder that he stopped seeing her for you especially when she lives near him.

Sorry but I don't believe that. Hes probably still seeing her.

I'm the one doing the travelling so in my case it's a bit different. You can just say "don't come here" and make it his problem.

Sounds to me like he really isn't seeing your current relationship as exclusive, meaning he wants to still have fun while he's waiting to meet you. Which again is a reason why waiting so long to meet each other in person was and is a bad idea. Obviously, you cannot change that now so it's pretty much a moot point. The whole breakup story and Facebook stuff seems weird to me to be honest. I don't see this working out in the long term for the two of you. That huge distance and the fact you cannot trust him right now are two major deal breakers.

Well, according to him she is just an acquaintance, I`m not sure whether he has feelings for her but he said he doesn`t love her. She is someone to fill the gap, and he said it was a mistake that he thought he could have the cake and eat it until we meet and start an official relationship. He said he ended it with her because he couldn`t stand the guilt, he felt bad when he chat with me everyday telling me that he loves me, and we will start officially soon so he chose to end it with her. Again I can`t tell how true it is, be it long distance or normal relationship. A man in a normal relationship or marriage can tell the same thing as well. There are cheaters everywhere, regardless long or close distance.

He told me he will still come even if I choose to leave him. He said worst case scenario he will treat it as a vacation or something. Would you like to share with me which part of the break up and Facebook stuffs is weird? Perhaps you see things which I didn`t see

Maybe "weird" was the wrong choice of words here. I'm just not a fan of Facebook and having to hear about that chick creating a shared account and you getting screenshots as proof of something just seems a bit strange to me.

He did something stupid and apologized for it. But what prevents him from doing it again? Let's assume he visits you, you get along well, but then you can't see other again for many months. You both have needs and if that girl or someone else throw themselves at him, what are the chances of him saying no? I would be very careful.

In fact after this incident I`ve been telling him many times that I`m leaving. Last week I ignored him for 4 days then told him I`m ending this relationship for good. He was mad at me saying that I ignored him then dumped him. So I talked to him again and these 2 days seems like he is pulling away. He was reluctant to talk to me cause he doesn`t like to be interrogated, cause I`ve been asking him lots and lots of questions about his affair with that girl. I`ve been in some kind of paranoid mode after this incident and I think he`s fed up with all my questions and accusations. He was very patience last week dealing with my craziness and never ending questions but this week he has changed

Well there is no other way to prove besides getting the screen shots from him. I`m not sure if you`re an iPhone user, it has this feature so that`s the best way I could think of. And he told me that the shared profile was created by that girl and he only knew about that after it was created. Something I don`t understand is why in the first place he didn`t ask the girl to remove that profile if she is just an so called "acquaintance". When I questioned him about this, I was amazed by the way he answered my question... "I even had no idea why did I do such horrible things in the first place and you are asking me why I let her creating that profile? This whole thing just doesn`t make any sense and the Facebook thing is just a small part of it."
Well what else can I say with this kind of reply

loook, just go with it, you were unaware if he does or not.. if you find out he is married.. keep all your texts and so on, and go to his wife and show her what he is doing.. you will do her a favour and if he is not married then you may have a good guy on your hands.. you will never know unless you go for it.

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Originally Posted by shainesy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...So now my problem is I`m not sure whether I should still meet him and get to know him better. If what he did wasn`t cheating like what Michelle said, should I give him a chance to meet up with me?

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Before you meet up with him, let me ask you two things...

1. If he's cheating on you now, what makes you think that he'll stop just because the relationship is official?

2. Why would he sleep with someone else if he loves you?

If you can answer those two questions to your own satisfaction and still want to meet him...then I wish you good luck...

Hi Rowen,

Your first question still goes back to the title of my thread, do you believe that once a cheater always a cheater?

As for the second one, I have the same thinking as yours. However, some people think that you can love someone but still cheat. Cheating is a selfish act, which means he loves himself more than he loves me. My friend said that is understandable, I can`t expect him to love me more than he loves himself since we have not even met each other. No matter how much he loves me, it still can`t change the fact that I`m a computer screen for the past 7 months. Things might be different if we have spent some time together, getting to know each other more at a different level, have plans about how we can to work things out and live together in the future. Somehow I think what she said does make some sense as well so I`m really confused now

Stop making excuses for him. You either think you can trust him or you dont. Which one is it? If you do-go for it. If you dont-dont. Its simple. I really dont know why people waste so much time...

If I ever enter the dating world again-I will treat it like an interview. I wouldn't have time for losers, cheats etc.

man: would you like to go for coffee?
woman? Okay
man: makes a little small talk
woman: is friendly but bored
man: tell me about yourself
woman: no you tell me about yourself.
man: blah blah blah
woman: the thing I really want to know is are you honest? have you ever cheated on someone? what is your opinion on cheating? do you think its okay under any circumstances? etc etc

then based on his answer: okay ill see you again or no your a loser-goodbye

lol that is exaggerated and over the top obviously but you should discuss these things early before you start thinking weddings and babies.

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Originally Posted by shainesy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi Rowen,

Your first question still goes back to the title of my thread, do you believe that once a cheater always a cheater?

As for the second one, I have the same thinking as yours. However, some people think that you can love someone but still cheat. Cheating is a selfish act, which means he loves himself more than he loves me. My friend said that is understandable, I can`t expect him to love me more than he loves himself since we have not even met each other. No matter how much he loves me, it still can`t change the fact that I`m a computer screen for the past 7 months. Things might be different if we have spent some time together, getting to know each other more at a different level, have plans about how we can to work things out and live together in the future. Somehow I think what she said does make some sense as well so I`m really confused now

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In my personal experience? Once a cheater, always a cheater is 99% accurate. The one percent is one man I know who realized how horrid his ways were and grew from it. But it took him years. The others? All guys who cheated on me time and time again.

Stop making excuses for him. If you feel cheating is a selfish act, you need to DUMP him NOW. Otherwise, if you keep it in your mind to always wish upon that lucky star, you're going to be going through a lot more things worse than what you're going through now. He doesn't respect you. Show some respect for yourself by standing up for yourself and going after what you want most in life....a committed love held sacred between two hearts, never to yield or lessen.

Not to sound like a prick, but your posts remind me a lot of how I was when I dated my ex-boyfriend. So, I'd say do what's best for you, but I have a gut feeling you're going to stick around with him. If that's the case, I can only suggest ways to help with the post-breakup period...

1. Get lots and lots of chocolate. It's a natural antidepressant.
2. Ignore him and do not seek him out on social networking sites.
3. Do not read over past texts/emails/etc.
4. Talk to other guys and make tons of new friends.
5. Dress in your best and take an awesome photograph of yourself or go out and get a teensy bit daring outfit- something that makes you feel attractive on your worst day.

When I was in your shoes, all of those helped me to move on. I'm thankful for the close guy friends (We were only platonic) I made during that period, as no matter how many times I was going through hell, they were there to help cheer me up. And I still have the outfit I bought- red button down and cream dress pants. In the end, all of that helped me, amongst a few other things. I know all of this may sound a bit shallow, but it helps. And when Mr. Right does come along, he won't know what hit 'em when he sees you dressed that way.

No matter what, I still believe you deserve better. So, what you decide to do is ultimately your decision. I hope this helps, though.

Wow Michelle and Rowen, I really appreciate all your advice, you girls rock! :o)

Sometimes I really wish things could be that straight forward like the dialogue in Michelle`s reply. I was ready to dump him for a couple of times but every time something always popped up and I wasn`t strong enough to stick to my decision. I just spoken to him last night and I thought it would be our last conversation. He told me that he will install an app in his phone to let me track his location at all time, he said that he is willing to do anything as long as I can forgive him and take him back. I believe you guys understand that it`s not easy for me to do that especially when he sounded really sincere about working things out.

I agree with Rowen. Once a cheat always a cheat.

The thing is shainesy. Just say you meet up next month right and you make it official-hes gonna have to go home again and will you trust him while you are not together? Long distance rarely works and it is very hard to be in a relationship when most of the contact is done online or over the phone. That is why it is much better to be with someone local that you can spend lots of time with and really get to know properlu.

It is your decision. If you really want to give him a chance do but you really do need to trust for a relationship to work

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Originally Posted by shainesy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow Michelle and Rowen, I really appreciate all your advice, you girls rock! :o)

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Haha No problem- glad this forum is helping you, honestly. I'm a gay guy, though. :P hahahaha

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Originally Posted by shainesy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He told me that he will install an app in his phone to let me track his location at all time, he said that he is willing to do anything as long as I can forgive him and take him back. I believe you guys understand that it`s not easy for me to do that especially when he sounded really sincere about working things out.

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I can understand why this sounds hard not to believe. If I were in your shoes, I'd certainly be very tempted to believe it. But you need to remember; what is an app like that going to do? It's going to give you his location. Okay, great. But it's not going to tell you who he's with, is it? He could have women coming over to his home or just having casual sex in public bathrooms (I know a few people who are into that...which makes me cringe when I think about it.). Bottom line: No matter what he does, you're always going to have this distrust between you two. It won't help your relationship, and you'll have absolutely no idea if he's having sex or not.

So, stay strong! Keep reassuring yourself you're better off without him. When you have strength in yourself, you have strength to press on and find someone who will treat you well. I wish you the best of luck; you're in for a rocky road, but it's going to be worth it. And YOU WILL make it. You can do it without him.
But if you should give him another chance, prepare yourself for the possibility of getting hurt...

Hello,

the hard truth.. you know the famous phrase : a leopard never changes spots .
. it means devious people never change

don't place too much high hope.. but one thing is for sure is girls love bad boys.. :) only the sensible know how to exit the relationship early to avoid the pain later on..

What you need is to talk personally not just thru calls or text or online. Personal is much better as you will see his reaction if he is serious about you and your relationship. If he really is, then the solution is for him to move there and forget and go away with that girl.