Friends (with benefits?)

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10-04-13, 07:59 AM
Donuts

Friends (with benefits?)

Hi.

I have been seeing a man for a year now. I see him almost every day, and if I don't, I talk to him on the phone so we are very close. We almost live together because we will spend 6 out of 7 nights together. We have been intimate most of this time. He has a very extreme personality and, one of his quirks, is to just ignore everyone for a few days up to a week. I am the only one he would never ignore so I am an important person in his life. However, he could never decide if he loved me enough to marry me or even date me (technically speaking). He says that he does not have the urge to not see other people and be with only me all of the time (only on occassion). This week, he completely broke it off with me and started dating someone else (intimately...) but ended up still spending the night with me afterward and being intimate with me. For a brief break in between our year long relationship, he had a relationship going with this woman for 2-3 weeks, but broke it off and decided to be with me (I'm not sure by default or not because he felt like he couldn't love her either).

My question is, is there a chance of him loving me someday? As in, what is the chance of a man changing his mind (because he says it is very slim)? What I mean to say is, we are attracted to each other, and we are each other's best friends. But for the past month, I have been very depressed and have been very mean and snappy to him, and I know this has a lot to do with this (but he says it would have had to end regardless because of the absence of "the one" type feeling).

To give you what I think is relevant background info, he is 31 (I am 21) and has come close to marrying 2 past loves, but both of which broke his heart. It seems that in his life, almost all of the important women let him down in significant ways (including his mother). I know the last relationship 3 years ago hurt him so badly he still cannot speak of it. Since we get along so well normally, is there a chance that this is just holding him back from allowing himself to love?

Sorry this is so long, but thank you for anyone who attempts to help me. I don't know if I need to give him distance to see how important I am to him or if I should stay since all the significant women seem to abandon him and leave him a little distrustful. I know I shouldn't put my life on hold for him, but I was just curious if there was hope down the line... Like a matter of timing.
10-04-13, 08:08 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

My question is, is there a chance of him loving me someday? As in, what is the chance of a man changing his mind (because he says it is very slim)?

Here it is straight up, Why would he give up other women for you when he doesn't have to. You allow him to have you 7 or 8 days a week until he gets the urge for strange and then he goes away, does someone new until he's finished and then you allow him to come back to you. You give him ZERO reason to give up that freedom.

The relationship that he says hurt him very badly has nothing to do with not committing to you. If he had any inkling that you were'nt going to put up with this anymore, then he'd step up IF (big if) if he really loved you and thought he'd never have/see you again then he'd commit.

Up to you if you want to remain in this thing called a harem that he has you all wrapped up in. Please make sure you get STD testing done and play safe with this man who is anything BUT monogamous in nature.

BTW: Even if he is really that screwed up from past relationships (including with his mother) then he's going to need some personal therapy to help him give up how he gets over his pain. You can't help him with that.

Quote:

since all the significant women seem to abandon him and leave him

Well, if he treats them like you describe, then its no wonder. Sorry, Doll.

It is, what it is.
10-04-13, 08:33 AM
Donuts

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The relationship that he says hurt him very badly has nothing to do with not committing to you. If he had any inkling that you were'nt going to put up with this anymore, then he'd step up IF (big if) if he really loved you and thought he'd never have/see you again then

Thank you for your reply... But the reason he stopped seeing her the first time was because I told him it was either her or none of me.
10-04-13, 08:33 AM
michelle23

Hes emotionally unavailable and you are wasting your time on him. You are too young to be dealing with this bollox. Seriously he has so much freaking baggage y wud you even bother?

You only get to be young and optimistic about love once and hell turn you into a pesdimistic old fart like him if your not careful.

His problems are HIS problems. Dont make them yours. You cant fix or change him so quit trying.

Wakeup makes a good point. You allow him to walk all over you, throw you away like a used tissue and then run back when ever he feels the urge so how can you expect him to respect you? People will treat you the way you allow them to and right now you are being a doormat.

You are worth more than this and you need to break your adfiction to him and dont allow yourself to go back again.

Young men your own age are far more positive than this loser and a lot of them are looking for love and a real relationship just like you. Dont waste away the best years of your life on this dweeb. He really aint worth it.

And im not much older than you (before you think i am) im 23. Forget him you can do a lot better
10-04-13, 08:40 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donuts [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for your reply... But the reason he stopped seeing her the first time was because I told him it was either her or none of me.

That means nothing if he still won't commit to you and makes you come to a forum board to ask us if we think if there is a chance of him loving you someday? You should know he loves you now if you want to stay on with him, but you don't know squat. The truth is, he probably just gave her up because she's even lower on the option list than you.

Sorry to be so in your face, but you've asked which means you're probably ready to hear the truth but still afraid to face it or you would have told him to not contact you ever again so you could get over him proper.

I hope some of the guys chime in. It will be interesting to hear what they have to say about him.
10-04-13, 08:56 AM
bearz

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donuts [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This week, he completely broke it off with me and started dating someone else (intimately...) but ended up still spending the night with me afterward and being intimate with me.

When you had sex with him those nights, were you aware of the fact that he was seeing someone else?
10-04-13, 09:00 AM
Donuts

Quote:

Originally Posted by bearz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When you had sex with him those nights, were you aware of the fact that he was seeing someone else?

I think not at first, only after a few daysdid I find out. But for those few days, it was fooling around and sleeping over, and we didn't get intimate completely until after I knew.
10-04-13, 09:01 AM
bearz

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donuts [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not at first, only after a few days.

And I assume you kept having sex with him even after knowing all of this, and you never mentioned to him how you felt because you didn't want to jeopardize what you had?
10-04-13, 09:07 AM
Donuts

Yes. I thought I would just try and suck it up for whatever time I had left with him. I thought it was going to end then, honestly. I didn't think he would pick me when I made him choose simply because I thought I was forcing him into a horrible situation when I should have just backed off him completely and stopped speaking to him for a while until he decided more clearly what he really wanted.
10-04-13, 09:17 AM
bearz

That's exactly where I was going with this. Even though you knew he was having sex with someone else, you never said anything and continued on. You just gave him what he wanted, whenever he wanted - all while you had feelings for him which he knew nothing about. Like Wakeup said, he never had to do anything to "get" you and therefore was never forced to think about his feelings.

I'm an open person and I generally need to talk about my feelings, so in your case I would talk to him and tell him that you cannot do this anymore. That would gve both of you some time and space so you can evaluate what you have and whether you want to leave it all behind and go separate ways, or build on it and work on a future together.
10-04-13, 12:29 PM
Jacob E.

It sounds like he is not sure about you and just needs a person to hang around to be happy in the mean time.

I'm a guy and that's how I see it but don't treat it as fact! I could be wrong.
10-04-13, 07:40 PM
michelle23

OP I dont think you should be in any sort of relationship until you have more self-respect. Allowing someone to treat you this way screams low-self esteem to me. You should be strong enough to say "one chance, screw me over and that is it" but you continue to give him chance after chance and it is stupid. Grow a backbone for christ sake. Im sick of all these people who think they have to put up with this crap. There are billions of people in this world. Why are you settling for a loser who treats you badly. There are people who would never hurt you or ever take you for granted so stop trying to "change" or "fix" people and find someone who doesn't need to be changed or fixed. You need to realize that life will not get any better than this with him. Its always going to be like this and you should not waste time on someone who cannot give you the commitment you crave or someone who has so little respect for you and no empathy for your feelings.

There are better men in this world so quit wasting time on the ones who are not worth it and go and find yourself a real man!
10-04-13, 11:04 PM
BackUpOrGetStng

I think he is in love with you, but is just scared at the moment. It's only been a year. I think he will come around and probably marry you. He did choose you over those other girls.
11-04-13, 12:03 AM
Wakeup

Now, where did I put that popcorn?
11-04-13, 12:09 AM
michelle23

lol will you stop that backup. Hes joking OP btw!
11-04-13, 12:10 AM
smackie9

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donuts [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi.

My question is, is there a chance of him loving me someday?.

No absolutely not. You were just a fresh young lovely 21 year old he was screwing without commitment. What a 31 year old man's dream situation! He wasn't with you for the emotional satisfaction, just sexual. Stop wasting your time on this charmer....he is a manipulator feeding off the vulnerable and naive.
11-04-13, 12:36 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

I still think he's just scared in love, and will eventually come around.
11-04-13, 12:37 AM
Wakeup

Not as long as she keeps enabling him not to make a choice, he won't.
11-04-13, 12:46 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

You're just being a skeptic Wakeup. Have a little faith in the power of love to make him decide.
11-04-13, 12:49 AM
smackie9

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're just being a skeptic Wakeup. Have a little faith in the power of love to make him decide.

LOL so this is a new tactic for trolling? I thought about doing this myself. It seems it is what they come looking for.
11-04-13, 12:58 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're just being a skeptic Wakeup. Have a little faith in the power of love to make him decide.

... brat ... :D
11-04-13, 04:34 AM
michelle23

Haha maybe a little reverse psychology will help. If we tell them what they want to hear and give bad advice they may do the opposite ;)
11-04-13, 05:29 AM
Maple1714

Donuts - kick this douche to the curb pronto. Seriously. He will never love you and all you're doing is hoping and wishful thinking. I've been there...when I was 20. I learned a lot from that situation. He might have some emotional connection with you that keeps bringing him back, but it probably isn't love in his mind.

Picture this - what is your idea of a perfect boyfriend? A perfect partner? Put this other guy out of your mind and picture your ideal guy. What qualities does he have? What does he do for you...etc? If the current guy doesn't meet these standards than leave him now. I can guess that your ideal BF does not disappear for a couple days/weeks and have sex with other girls right? I know that doesn't make you feel very special...even though you try to rationalize that he must at least like you the BEST b/c he keeps coming back to you in the end. You're right to an extent...but is that arrangement good enough for you? I hope it isn't. You really should move on.

It's OK to go through something like this...once! Learn from it and grow up. Don't put yourself in situations like this in the future. I think it's important to create an emotional bond with a guy/man before having sex with them. Men need that. They want it...so get to know a guy first...for a while..months even.
11-04-13, 05:52 AM
smackie9

Here's one for ya Maple

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
11-04-13, 06:08 AM
Maple1714

Hahaha....

Funny, the guy who I went through a FWB thing with was Ashton Kutchner's roommate when they were younger. They were both trying to become models. My guy didn't make the cut.

Oh, and I feel like the OP's title to this post should be Sex with a Boy (friends?)
11-04-13, 10:13 AM
dickriculous

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No absolutely not. You were just a fresh young lovely 21 year old he was screwing without commitment. What a 31 year old man's dream situation! He wasn't with you for the emotional satisfaction, just sexual. Stop wasting your time on this charmer....he is a manipulator feeding off the vulnerable and naive.

I'm not seeing where the "manipulating" is taking place tbh. From what I read of OP her fukk buddy told her about as straight up as one can be told that there is no chance of him committing to her, and he doesn't feel "that way" about her. Can't be much more straight forward about your intentions than that. His cards are right there on the table, face up for her to read. If anything he's being much more straight forward than he's really obligated to be.

Though I do agree with the general consensus that if she's looking for a committed relationship she needs to look elsewhere, hard to deny that when the guy she's with has essentially straight up told her that himself.
11-04-13, 10:45 AM
smackie9

" He says that he does not have the urge to not see other people" this is proof enough that he was manipulating her into thinking she was exclusive.
11-04-13, 11:29 AM
dickriculous

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

" He says that he does not have the urge to not see other people" this is proof enough that he was manipulating her into thinking she was exclusive.

I don't see where she posted that either. Closest thing to that I see is where she mentioned he broke it off with someone else because she threatened to leave if he didn't. And while yes, that might vaguely hint that he wants to be exclusive to her if you grasp for straws a bit, it doesn't override him telling her "I don't want to be exclusive with you" like he does here

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donuts [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My question is, is there a chance of him loving me someday? As in, what is the chance of a man changing his mind (because he says it is very slim)?
12-04-13, 01:27 AM
smackie9

Read 4 lines down....it's after (technically speaking)
12-04-13, 02:08 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

How is that manipulation? That's him saying that he has the urge to see other people. Not, not is a double negative..meaning he does have the urge to see other people. Meaning he was being straight with her.
12-04-13, 03:26 AM
smackie9

lol Ya yer right sorry.....I see that she is more dellisional because of her feelings for him. I don't recall being that gullible at the age.....what is with this generation?
12-04-13, 04:16 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

I don't even see where gullibility comes in. The guy flat told her he doesn't want her. She wrote a semi-coherent post so she's not illiterate. I think I have to go with stupid on this one.
12-04-13, 05:33 AM
dickriculous

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think I have to go with stupid on this one.

I'm going with masochistic
12-04-13, 05:38 AM
smackie9

Maybe if she left her panties at his place......
12-04-13, 05:55 AM
Wakeup

... lolzzz ...
16-04-13, 12:00 AM
LittleFox

what i would suggest is that You talk with him about your true feelings.. but before think about what u really want from a relationship in general.. what You will put up with and what not, but think IN GENERAL not from him. Then with that in mind go speak with him, communicate your needs and see what he has to say about that. Stop being intimate with him, start seeing someone else in the meantime, just to have some attention, see that there is a lot more out there and build Your confidence.