Me and my friend have feelings for each other but big problems

Hi there, I have an ongoing problem with a girl I met about 4-5 years ago and really need some impartial advice as it becoming very hard to live with.

We met through a friend and got on well from the start but didn't really see much of each other but I always had a soft spot for her and think likewise.
Then after a while she met a friend of mine and they started to go out, she like it as he worked away so as she was young she has the best of both worlds. e carried on becoming closer and closer over the years and over the last 2 have become very close. They split up last year for 6 months but recently have gotten back together, I have since learnt that not a day went by while they were split up that he didn't contact her hassling etc, they started seeing each other late last year and more things happened which meant it ended again but since Christmas they have been back together.

No here comes the kicker while they had split up and before while he was away with work for weeks/months we became inseparable and the feelings on my end grew so very quick.

I built up the courage to tell her before Christmas how I felt and never expected the respond I got, she said she had feelings for me as well and we were more than friends but because of the situation it could never happen. He is a very jealous and sort of controlling person, if she doesn't answer the phone straight away he keeps ringing, gets annoyed if she isn't at his beck and call. when they are out she gets moaned at for talking to people etc or not showing him enough attention.

She has told me she loves me on many occasions over text, phone, in christmas/birthday card etc which has happened for a long time, even as recently as 2 weeks ago while we were out together, boyfriend as well she was trying to get me to do something and said when your mine you'll do that, as well as saying she loved me etc, I asked her about that and she said I know what I said and it was meant but knows she shouldn't of said it.

We know everything about each other she is the one I want to tell everything and she the same, although it's changed a bit over the last little while because although we have never hidden our friendship to anyone and nothing has happened, apart from a few kisses (pecks) she even did the other week. The boyfriend is now wary of how much time we spend together and says friends don't spend that much time together, don't text every day, speak on the phone so I'm loosing her a bit buy trying not to, but understand some of it has to happen.

She also tells me when the have fallen out which does happen quite a bit that she knows only she can change things and get out but she is to worried of how much hassle she will get and also what other people will thin because they told her not to go back in the first place but she admits she does want to be with him but is holding out for it to go back to how it was in the start but that won't happen. Any problems and when he is horrible to her she just ignores and gets on with it because it's easier.
I am a bit older than her, I am 33 and she is 23 but have never felt like this about someone before, she is the one and although I would never try to split them up because he is a friend although I wouldn't class as a close one now but my hope is that if they were to end in time we could be together!
I can't ignore the fact she admits she has feelings for me and that part/lot of her agrees that she should be with me.

I have no idea how to go about things, I can't step back because the fear of loosing her is unbearable but can't keep going on like this feeling completely down about it everyday, advice please

Kind Regards

Right I only read the first paragraph. I am sick of these stories.

You and she are having an emotional affair and until she is single again you need to stay the **** away from her. If she decides to leave him-then she is free to do whatever she wants but until then you need to back off and leave her alone. You cant be "friends" so tell her to stop talking to you unless she is single again!

You should keep being her friend and wait for her.

I think that is a joke by the way ^^

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think that is a joke by the way ^^

---

Oh really? Well if it is a joke then that's really helpful and not what I expected to get back.
At least your response was honest, I do appreciate your reply by the way, thank you for taking the time to respond.
Your probably right but easier said than done.

Absolutely not. I think if he shows that he is the patient man that she needs in her life, she'll see him as her knight in shining armour and fall head over heels for him.

lol I still think your joking.

OP right now you are her emotional tampon, gay best friend, male girlfriend-whatever you want to call it and that is what you will stay as long as you stick around and pretend that you and she are just "friends". Or if she dumps him for you-you will just be a rebound and you will get hurt.

She needs to dump him because she is unhappy (not because she has you as a plan B) and then she needs to take some time out to heal, to get strong again (at least 6 months) before having another serious long term relationship.

It really is that simple so you need to let it go now. If you and she are meant to be-who knows? Maybe youll bump into each other at a party a year from now, both be single and decide to date. Or maybe youll forget her and meet the love of your life next month.

It doesnt matter, she is taken and she cannot give her whole heart to you while she is with someone else so just stop this little fairytale and move on with your life.

Seems to me like shes more emotionaly stronger than ya. But you just think of her in first place forgeting to take what you need. Basicaly if you put someone above you then like michele said "emotional tampon" you become. She will give you her worst cause thats what you are taking.

So make it at least equal, dont be afraid to lose her. Cause you know she is your dream girl and when you afraid to lose her she becomes a nightmare. So dont be afraid, take the risks to make it your way and even if you lose her trying to make this nightmare a dream. - You will lose only a nightmare.

How dare you, Michelle? How dare you.

I believe in the beauty and the triumph of love over all obstacles. Sorry you're so jaded.

Backup is being facetious because we see this story over and over again. Backup is just telling you what you want to hear friend.

Here's the deal. You go no contact with her....yaya you think this will push her away but it will do the opposite. If you are there all the time for her, then she will not change her situation. At this moment she is emotionally using you as an escape from her BF's bull shit. This tells me she is pretty weak. If you cut her off and go no contact she will panic over losing you. Trust me on this one, it will make her desire you even more. This will push her to get out of this crappy relationship for sure. BUT it doesn't stop there. If she does break up with this dude, you can't be her bitch and always be there for her. You still have to play it kool and make her feel she has to earn your affection and attention. It will be difficult to break your old habit of being a pussy for her, but you have be firm and be a man. Don't give in to her or she will feel secure then bounce back to her ex. You make her prove it's over between her and her ex....so you may have to work this for a few months while he tries to get her back. If you keep that fear of her losing you forever, you will have control over her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How dare you, Michelle? How dare you.

I believe in the beauty and the triumph of love over all obstacles. Sorry you're so jaded.

---

haha! funny ;)

I thank you for your comments, they do all make sense which is even more confusing lol
I do know what i have to do it's just how to do it, take the feelings out we are best friends but as you say I think there is no way we can be just friends, she said the other night she doesn't even like referring to us as just friends. I have to try and work towards not needing her in my life all the time and accepting that even with time apart our feelings may be there for later in life if meant to be.
That hardest part is letting go and trying to ignore the fact she feels the way she does.

Dude all you do is go no contact and before you know it she will be eating out of the palm of your hand.

Ya I agree with smackie. Stop all contact with her. If she tries to get in touch-tell her "you have a bf, this is wrong and I cant be your "friend" anymore so dont contact me again". If she really wants you she will dump him and come running.

Once she comes running you tell her "its too soon, I dont want to be a rebound" come back to me in 2 or 3 months when your 100% sure" and tell her not to contact you until then.

If she really does want you-it will happen eventually but you do need to pull back some of the power coz right now she has it all.

Yes this worked well for one of the guys. Girl get back after few months and was changed for better.

Ask yourself do you really want a woman that is this weak? That she cant end an unhappy relationship and instead prefers to find herself a plan B or a number 2 until she can work up the courage to leave him?

She will just do the same thing to you as soon as your relationship hits a rough patch or life gets a little hard..

Thanks again for people's help and advice, I'm going to take it all on board and try to change things to see how things go.

Well I went into this weekend with the mindset of trying to cut contact but was a lot harder than I though, she was very forth coming with wanting to see me this weekend and made quite a bit of effort.
She was in a race on Sunday which she wanted me to go and support her with, want to come over after work Saturday for a cuppa (I was out so said no), we spend most of the day together yesterday after her race, I work at a local football club so she came and met me there while I was on the bar etc then went home had take away etc. Silly things like doing my washing up (I kept putting it off lol) had one of my jumpers on while watching tv tv all these things that I know are wrong for two 'friends' to do but it's so hard to ignore the feelings and stop it so quickly.
I am aware I must sound like a right idiot (please don't tell me that to many times) but it really is impossible to stop all this straight away. and I am seeing a councillor for other problems (physical issues) and have asked if we can talk about all this as well.

It is not impossible. You just lack conviction and fortitude.

Yeah I admit I lack those qualities sometimes and am trying to find them :)
It does help when after being text for most of the day yesterday while she was out shopping, favouriting tweets of mine to the see her put hearts etc on the boyfriends wall on FB. I know these are silly things but all help to make me try and forget about it all, doesn't make it any easier though

She seems like a good companion for you but with too much baggage. It'll be quite hard to make it work. Does it not absolutely kill you that when she leaves you, she goes back to her boyfriend?

If trying to cut contact isn't working for you because of her reluctance to keep seeing you, how about giving her an ultimatum. State your feelings, desires and needs. Take a bit of control of the situation and don't get walked over. Could be the thing she needs to finally sway her affection to you. Or it could 'backfire' and nothing will come from it in which case you'll have a few horrible months getting over her. But that short term pain beats being strung along.

Good luck mate.

MrP

Oh I feel awful when she goes back to him, he works and lives away so is only home every other week but still awful

I have told her everything about how I feel and what I want and also know how she feels about me, she has feelings for me and knows part of her thinks she should be with me. We have been so close for a long time and when he was away last year she developed feelings for me (I think they were there before that) but never told anyone as it was wrong, she told me this when I opened up to here at the end of last year when they were split up.She does want to be with him but there is a big part of her that knows things aren't right but won't do anything because of the trouble it would cause, he didn't leave her alone for a single day while they split up last year for the 6 months and would be even worse this time. Even if they did split up I couldn't act on anything for a long time because he is a friend although not that close anymore at all. Only a few weeks ago we were all out together and she told me she loved me and as I wasn't listening to her with regard to a clothes issue she said when I'm hers I'd listen. I pulled her up on it and she knew what she had said and even though she meant it she admitted she prob shouldn't of said it.
So it's a very very difficult situation and very hard to figure out what to do because before all this we were very good friends.

No contact yesterday at all, first time in a long time, feel really crappy about it but at least it's a start!

Chin up fella! Keep yourself occupied.

Yeah that's what I'm trying to do mate.
I have other problems that I am trying to get sorted through seeing a councilor which involve worry, anxiety etc and because of that I suffer a lot of worrying and one of the worries is if I have upset anyone due to anything I might of done so it's very difficult to not think that I have upset her in anyway. Sounds silly but with that, mild OCD I am being treated for etc it all plays on my mind a lot

STOP THAT! You are making a fool and a doormat of yourself. Don’t be the person who will readily catch her fall. Obviously she doesn’t want to break up with the guy and having you around seemed like an emotional comfort blanket for her.

Right well I went into the weekend with the no contact mindset mainly because the boyfriend was home this weekend.
She was texting me while at work on the Friday and Saturday, I was replying but trying not to be to chatty as knew as soon as she finished work she would stop reply which she did.
Then last night she called me and on her way home wanting to come over (the boyfriend had gone back by then), which caught me off guard so said I was about she she came round for a cuppa etc, same old same old went straight for some socks to wear and later one of my hoodys, watched a couple of TV programs we both like to watch, all felt a bit awkward from both sides for some reason then she went home.
So it didn't work this weekend and is getting even harder to know how to go about it, I think I need to talk to her because it will be rude tojust stop replying and cut her off ike that, but I know the conversation will cause more problems. I know I still sounds stupid but I am just trying to get my situation across :(
My councillor (for other problems) has suggested I go and speak to a relationship councillor which I will do soon, she said we should both go but that would

Now, this is just funny. "It will be rude.."

Grow some balls.

oh for gaws sake. Stop thinking with your heart. Use your head. She has a bf-shes using you as an emotional tampon. Shes gonna hurt both of you. Why do you want to be second best? Are you hoping shell eventually dump him for you? And what if she does? Will you ever trust her?

I agree with backup. Grow a pair of balls and go find a real girlfriend. You know-one who you can do all these lovely little "friends" things with whilst also getting some action? Or do you prefer being her male girlfriend?

You don't need a relationship counselor, you just need to move the f uck on. She can't give you what you want, so what part of that you don't understand?

HI all just a quick update, after spending a lot of time together last week which was the wrong thing to do I know but it happened, she then told me via text last Thursday that she was looking for a holiday for her/her boyfriend and her sister and partner for September. The boyfriend is off to sea this week as he is in the navy for 8 weeks now, but as of Thursday I decided enough is enough and needed some time alone so haven't had any contact at all, he will have gone back now as he was home for the bank holiday weekend, it's tough but a step in the right direction I think.