My drug addict boyfriend dumped me. Why do I feel so devestated?

Me and my newly ex have been together for almost 2 years now. A year ago we moved in together. We furnished the apartment together. It felt so good. The place is gorgeous. We made it home. I love his family. They love me. Before we moved in it was like a fairytale. He treated me like a princess and I've never felt so happy. Ever since we moved in though, I started noticing that he never had money and it was strange, because I knew he was doing really well. And then the problems started, because I believe that if anything it should be 50/50 in a household. Then I started being suspicious and I searched his car. I found Suboxone wrap. Then I found syringes in his closet and steroids vile.It's ridiculous because I've always told him that I can't stand those steroid pumped gym guys. And yet, he became one all of a sudden. I went to him and said that I truly love him and if he needs help, he just needs to talk to me and I'll help with whatever I can. He said that he had an opiate problem and was trying to get better. I believed it at the time, but now I know it was all bull. Then he told me he got into money scam with a payday loan and lost money. About 3000$. Everyday I caught him in some kind of lie. Somewhere in the back of my head I've always known that we were gonna break up eventually, since he was never telling the truth and there was so many problems.
So one day a month ago he asked if it was ok to go to a Philllies game and I said that he doesn't need to ask me about it. I told him to go and have fun, but be careful not to get ****ed up, because he had to drive all the way back home.... Well, he didn't come home. He disappeared for 2 days. I was so sick worried, I called his family. They told me horrible stories how he stole from them and that he had a drug problem. When he finally got back we had a talk and he told me that our relationship was long over and that we need some time apart. The next day I got his phone and found that he met another girl. I mean , I could go on and on how many things are wrong with him.... My mind knows that this break up is probably the best thing that could happen, because I don't deserve any of that crap. My entire body is sick though. I haven't eaten in so long. I've lost so much weight. I feel so depressed. I wanna stop whining to my friends. I'm so much more beautiful and smart than any of his little side **** buddies. And I know. I know. But how the **** do I feel normal again? How did I get so attached to the biggest looser ever. I don't even feel jealous of the other girl, because she is nothing special. Maybe it's the betrayal. Maybe it's the shattered dream of having a wonderful family to come home to. I know it's not only his fault. Everytime he said he loved me, I didn't answer back. I just felt that I person that lies to me all the time doesn't deserve to hear those words back. So I wake up every morning. I look at our pictures and I wonder how the person that gave me diamonds yesterday, now is in the biggest debt ever and doesn't wanna call his mother that's has terminal cancer. Did I do wrong because I didn't settle with the lies and lack of ambition? I feel incredible guilt, because this person that I once called the love of my life is so out of touch with reality. I want him to get better,but I know that if he doesn't want to help himself, it's just not gonna happen. People tell me to take care of myself. And I try, but it's so hard. I go out almost every night. Guys tell me how beautiful I am and blablabla. And everythime I go out and somebody tries to talk to me, I just feel like I wanna throw up. All I want is to figure out how to find myself again. I just want to be normal. I just want to stop feeling so sad, because there are days when the pain is so strong that I'm scared that I'll do something stupid......

Ahhhh I want to give you a hug. But one day you'll look back and realize he did you a favor.

hun the pain you are feeling is temporary. You will get through this. You just have to be strong now and IF he comes back-you tell him to f**k off. Get those locks changed. You cannot fix him or change him. He is an addict and honestly it was only a matter of time before he was cheating on you. You cannot trust anyone who is off their face on drugs. Their thinking is distorted, they also only use the selfish part of their brain (me, me, me) He did you a favor. You can do so much better and you need to realize you deserve better. His cheating should be the final nail in the coffin. He betrayed you and there is no going back from that. Your young, you have your whole life ahead of you, so much to look forward to. Never waste your life or sacrifice your happiness for a loser like this. You have nothing holding you back.

There are much better men out there. You just need to mourn this loss, get through the grief. Soon you will feel strong and confident again and ready to take on the whole world. Keep your chin up and hold your head high. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. He has thrown his life down the toilet. That was his choice. You dont need to follow him to the grave. You need to look after you, focus on getting over him, accepting its over and that you are too good for him and move on.

Set some goals now. Example: "I will use this time constructively by putting every ounce of energy into work and I will get promoted within 6 months". Go do it!

Lol too bad! Hahaha!

I faced a similar (not exactly the same of course) feeling when I was dumped by one of my ex-boyfriends, so I can kind of imagine what you're going through. He was an alcoholic, though... :S Basically, you feel the way you do because you wish you could have helped. You wish that things were different. You wish you didn't fall into a bad spot with a guy like that... Anywhere close to right? :S My best advice is to take time to confront it emotionally by accepting it. Cope. Take as much time as you need to heal over it. And reassure yourself that just because the past was that way, doesn't mean that has to be the future. Remember that you did all you could to help and that in the end you'll find someone who is much better for you. You can't save everyone, OP.

I hope this helps a tiny bit... :S

Thank you everyone! Your words mean more than you can imagine. Posting my sad story here was very therapeutic and as weird as it sounds helped a lot. I am surprised that I feel a little better every day. I was thinking I was never gonna get out of that dark place I fell into. I know that it took a lot of time for people with similar situations to gain their sense of normality.The kind of pain that I was feeling two weeks ago and the way that I feel now is incomparable. And it's talking to people that made all the difference. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Your welcome. Just always remember-you are worth more. Dont settle for second best. your mr right is out there so set those standards high

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your welcome. Just always remember-you are worth more. Dont settle for second best. your mr right is out there so set those standards high

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^ Couldn't have said it any better than that, Michelle. OP, I think you'll do fine. You seem stronger than you realize.

I though I was doing really well for a while, but then we had a conversation and things got horrible. He is acting so normal and his words make so much sense. It hurts me even more. All of a sudden he wants us to be friends. But I can't. I just can't. He says he is just honest about the fact he doesn't love me anymore. And there isn't anything I can do about it. He texted me that the other day " I don't want to cause you pain. I know you don't deserve any of this. You're a great woman. I'm the one that ****ed up. And you have every reason in the world to consider me dead to you. You're right I'm a looser and ill be out of your life completely. I just need the rrste of this month to find somewhere . I just want you to find it in your heart to forgive me. Even if you never tell me that you do. You're an amazing person and deserves better than me. I'm truly sorry for all the pain I have caused you. But if you want me to be dead to you, I will be that."
He is such a sweet talker. I'm so lost and in pain.... I wish I could forgive, but I guess I'm not such a great person after all. He shattered my entire world and expects me to be understanding. I know his words make sense, but my entire being tells me that's not right.

I went through this kind of pain many years ago. I started dating a woman who was really cool. Easy to get along with, and very low maintenance compared to most women that I've ever dated. I was a little uptight about the fact that she had two young kids, but they were really nice kids. Over the course of the next few months, she gradually got skinnier until she was borderline anorexic, and she seemed to have a very random sleep schedule. Then she kept having car problems, and I started giving her money to help with the car repairs. Finally, I realized that the car wasn't actually getting fixed, and I eventually figured out that she was smoking meth. I hung in there for much longer than I should have, on and off again, because I felt like I could really make a difference for her and her kids. I kept thinking about she was such a fun person to be around, except for the drugs, but the last time that she went to jail, I gave up. We sent letters back and forth while she was incarcerated, but I let her know that I had to move on. I did look her up on Facebook a year ago out of curiosity, and she seemed to be doing okay, but I haven't talked to her in a decade.

I just don't understand why he wants to hurt me more than he already did. I can't just turn a switch off and be his super cool friend all of a sudden.. How crazy would that be? I know he did me a favor and I try to stay away as much a I can, but I'm somehow always getting caught up in this shit again. I wanna move on, but it seems impossible...

Treat this like any other breakup. Go no-contact, take some time to be sad, and then get on with life. He made his (bad) choices. Now you need to make some (better) choices. Don't try to date someone new right away. Keep busy. Spend more time with friends and family. Focus on a hobby, or a start a new one. Adopt a pet. Do some volunteer work. Learn another language. Just keep busy and you will get through this just fine.

Vince is right hun. You have to cut all contact with him, block him from your phone, facebook etc. It takes time. You will feel like crap for awhile but nothing stays bad forever. You can take this time to figure out what you want in a man and when you are ready go and find him. You really can do better. I know hearing that now means nothing to you coz you are hurting but in time you will realize this is for the best

ur just feeling guilty because you wanted to help and the mere fact that a drug addict didn't want you . don't feel bad

^^^ As blunt and unsympathetic that is ~ There is a lot of truth to that.

OP: Google codependency and educate yourself about it so that you don't keep picking men (or women if the shoe fits) that need fixing. White Knight syndrome and Florence Nightingale syndrome come to mind also and would be a good read. Being attracted to fixer-uppers is a curse, sadly *but it can be overcome with (just like for the drug addicted/alcoholic) a 12 step progarmme and support groups.

I just read your story and hun I went through almost the exact same thing with my ex. He has been a heroin addict for almost 10 years. I was with him for 2 years and he'd pretended to be clean for the last year we were together. The relationship was a struggle to say the least. The final straw for me was when we moved out together at the beginning of the year. I too noticed my ex never had money to help pay bills even though he was earning more than me. After raising my concerns my ex flipped. In subsequent weeks his behaviour towards me got real nasty and I went to the police one night when he threw a light bulb at me. Well he ended up leaving 2 months into the lease. He didn't even acknowledge me the day he packed up and left. That hurt even though I knew I had only done what I did for my own safety. It's been 5 months since he walked out of my life and the only times he's been in touch with me is to rudely demand bond money from me even though he took off with a T.V. that I had helped purchase. He took me to tenancy court last month where I agreed to pay him half the bond back. I decided against taking him to court for the money he owes me for the T.V. After the court case he text me saying all sorts of stuff - that he's moved on and he's happy and he's so glad I'm out of his life because I had been dragging him down... As much as I used to love him, when he left me, I never contacted him - not to express my hurt or to ask him to come back. Looking back at what can't even be called a relationship he was always lying to me about something. Every single day. I tried so many times to encourage him to do further education and develop a career but he was never interested. I offered to pay for him to go to rehab - he didn't want to. He wanted to hang out with his friends who were also criminals and addicts. He even compared me to the addict girls in his life, like his ex. I don't have a criminal history. I don't do drugs. I work full time and I studied my butt off at uni to get my science degree. I felt the same way you did when he left me. Why? I'm successful, why wouldn't he want to be with me? But all these months have given me time to reflect back - we were completely wrong for each other. Yes, we were best friends at one point and inseperable. But over time I grew up and got responsible - his addiction just got worse and you know what? He was happy with the direction his life was going. The guy did not want to be helped. And that's all people like you and I can do. Be there and offer our love and support but if it's not wanted there's nothing we can do but move on with our own lives. Take care of ourselves because we're no good to others if we can't help ourselves. My advice to you would be to ignore your ex despite what he's texting you. Addicts tell you what you want to hear. They know how to sweet talk because they are manipulative people who will do and say what they can to get what they want. They are every bit as selfish as everyone believes them to be. They only look out for number 1. I still hurt. It's not easy...especially when you felt as if YOU were important to him. But my ex made his choice and so did yours. Do not go back there, especially if you're still getting over this. I hope you've been strong enough to resist communication with him...please do update me on your current situation.

Hi missvicky,

I recently ended a short term relationship with someone who was only recently sober (alcohol). I saw behaviors that are common with addicts, and they made me realize the relationship was going to eventually end at some point with me getting emotionally hurt.

To read about the pain you felt after your relationship ended really touched me, because even though I was the one who left my relationship, it still really sucked. I still suffered in many the same ways you did. You see the potential for this person, yet the day to day actions don't match up. They have good days, and you see and feel that maybe, just maybe, but in the end, it's still the same.

You fell in love with someone who turned out to not be in a place in their life for a normal relationship, and that is OK. You did nothing wrong, it is not a bad reflection on you. Knowing in your head that the end of the relationship was really the healthiest thing for you, may not agree with how your heart is feeling now, and that can really mess with you until over time you begin to look at what happened more objectively. This head vs. heart thing is a normal process one can go through in this type of situation.

I know it hurts to have someone leave you, but in this case, whether they left you or you left them, it was going to end, and you knew that. I know you hung in there as long as you did to make it work, we do this with people we love. Unfortunately addicts are people we cannot help. They need to help themselves. Addiction is very selfish by nature, it is all about them and there addiction, and interestingly, it is all about them too when they want to get better. Only they can do it. So try to move on from feeling guilty because you have done nothing to deserve that feeling. By the way, dealing with ended relationships that have an addict, can be challenging. They mess with our self esteem in very sneaky ways. Do some online research about addicts and relationships, you will be surprised how much extra messiness they add to breakups.

Getting over someone you loved can be very challenging. Feeling so low, so sad, not eating, sleeping etc. etc. is really distressful. Thank goodness it gets better with TIME. You just have to give it time. No Contact is the only way to move on as quickly as possible. No pictures, FB, texts, talking to mutual friends about him, his family etc. You cannot be friends if you want to move on. And avoid even a small amount of contact months from now, even if you feel better. You can go back to square one almost instantly. Eventually you are, and may have already, begun to feel some of your old self come back to the surface. I understand how you feel about meeting new people and not feeling it. You are not ready yet. You are on emotional overload. That is OK too. When you are ready, it will come naturally.

Finally, a little mental exercise that sometimes helps. I imagine someone I like, a good friend or family member, being with someone just like my ex, a male or female version. I thought about the truly negative things relating to the addiction and other behaviors that the person I like was now dealing with. I could see the problems much more objectively when it effected them. He or she should get out of that relationship before they get hurt! It seems much clearer when thought of that way, you know your friend deserves better, and you certainly do too!

Take care. :-)