On the Outs

Hello Everyone!

Here is my story, hope you are all ready, and can offer me some sort of advice because currently I am in a bad situation that seems like there is no end in sight.

I met my boyfriend last summer through my co worker, who happens to be his twin sister. She had told me that she felt I would be perfect for her brother, and it turns out she was right. We hit it off and had an amazing relationship that grew very intense very fast. As the year progressed, we hit our share of bumps and broke up, however we both knew we were right for each other, but it was going to take some effort to work things out. Things got worse before they got better, and his sister (my co worker) became involved in our relationship in a very intrusive way. When he and I were at our worst, she contacted me via text with some very hateful things, saying how he will never be with me, and that I am an embarrassment to their family. I was aware that he told her what was going on between us, which also upset me. Long story short, after she spewed her hatred at me and vice versa, things were hostile between her and I at work. At this point, I felt the relationship was over, so I didn't care what I said to her and took what she said to me and let it roll off my back.

A few days later, he contacted me with a heartfelt apology, and after that came to my house and we reconciled completely. We have an unbreakable relationship and this was proven to me through his words and actions in the days that followed. At first no one knew we were together and we chose to fix our relationship in private, but slowly through some investigating on his sisters behalf and stalking social media, she knew we were together. This has consumed her life and she has written him and I off and gotten the whole family against me. No one will speak to him and they look at me like the devil. Even his own mother has sided with her. He has tried to reach out and make things right, but his sister just responds with hatred and anger. As I said, this has consumed her life. I can understand that she may feel foolish, for trying to defend him and it backfiring. He and I are both very happy now, however the stress of this is causing some issues. We can't go to family functions as he is no longer invited. Will this end? In due time I would like to reach out to her, although she is the type that holds on to anger and holds grudges, and I know myself, and I am too angry as well to even begin to speak to her. I feel he needs to fix it first. Any advice would be helpful.

-Lauren

I would stray from sticking to the mindset that the relationship is unbreakable in any sense. It sounds like you are still getting reacquainted, so I would let that simmer for a few months. Sometimes years go by before relationship problems arise, but that isn't really what your concern is today.

Today, you want to know if the family issues will settle given enough time, and the answer is yes - they will as long as you both keep trying, and there are a lot of apologies all around.

But as the relationship still seems to be pretty new, the family will likely stick it out for a bit so they can have the big "I told you so" moment. Putting the additional pressure from the family on him will increase the likelihood that he'll see more hardships in a shorter amount of time this time around.

Its going to be an uphill battle all the way, and I'm sure it will test your relationship. To start fixing this is to start fixing the anger within yourself, drop the grudge, and try and work things out amicably. Did you expect any other possibilities?

Can I just ask, obviously you and the sister were friends at one point (I'm assuming she introduced you to her brother) - how was your relationship with her before things between you and your boyfriend got rocky? Obviously you don't have to give any information you're not comfortable giving but it reads like she's angry with you over something specific rather than just a general picking sides because he's her twin.

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Originally Posted by Millie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Can I just ask, obviously you and the sister were friends at one point (I'm assuming she introduced you to her brother) - how was your relationship with her before things between you and your boyfriend got rocky? Obviously you don't have to give any information you're not comfortable giving but it reads like she's angry with you over something specific rather than just a general picking sides because he's her twin.

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My relationship with her before things got rocky was good. I've always been good to her and their whole family. It's really unfortunate that it has come down to this. However, she is the type of person who has issues with A LOT of people at work and in her personal life, it's always something.

Ahhh okay, so it's most likely a case of once you've crossed the line into 'enemy territory' you're stuck there for the foreseeable future. In that case, if she's someone who likes the drama of conflict as a matter of course, I would agree with Flux that you should use your time to focus on the rebuild with your boyfriend and not worry too much about her or the extended family issues. The answer is yes, it will end, you and she may never rediscover the friendship you had before but if you and your boyfriend do rebuild and things get back to a good place her feelings toward you will mellow over time I'm sure - most people don't hold on to anger forever, especially if there's nothing fuelling it. If by any chance she and/or the family don't get past their negativity then I would say it's down to your boyfriend to address the situation - they are his family, after all.

The only thing I'd question is how much of it was her involving herself in your issues and how much of it was him involving her in your issues? I have two sisters and they are prone to this kind of thing - one shares a problem with the other in perhaps too much detail and then the other goes to bat for her and ends up being the bad guy because she's judged to be getting involved in things that aren't her concern. Her defence is, if you don't want me to get involved don't tell me anything, if I don't know I won't care, so on that basis I'd have to say as much as it's a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, your boyfriend could help the situation going forward by not sharing the details of your problems with her and/or his family.

Is this her only brother? and a twin to boot. Possessive of him, which seems odd because she was happy at first for you both to meet, even told you you were " perfect " for her twin brother. Maybe once you got on so well she felt jealous and left out and then the green eyed bitterness monster in her took over. I wouldn't give his sister the time of day, no texts, no meet up, no chats, no emails, no calls, nada. She will use whatever you said to turn it around on you and poison her brother against you, probably, don't give her any ammunition to use against you with your bf. If you are not actively conversing with her your brother will see the issue is all his sisters and he can then have the TALK with her to back off, because you backed off.

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Originally Posted by Millie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ahhh okay, so it's most likely a case of once you've crossed the line into 'enemy territory' you're stuck there for the foreseeable future. In that case, if she's someone who likes the drama of conflict as a matter of course, I would agree with Flux that you should use your time to focus on the rebuild with your boyfriend and not worry too much about her or the extended family issues. The answer is yes, it will end, you and she may never rediscover the friendship you had before but if you and your boyfriend do rebuild and things get back to a good place her feelings toward you will mellow over time I'm sure - most people don't hold on to anger forever, especially if there's nothing fuelling it. If by any chance she and/or the family don't get past their negativity then I would say it's down to your boyfriend to address the situation - they are his family, after all.

The only thing I'd question is how much of it was her involving herself in your issues and how much of it was him involving her in your issues? I have two sisters and they are prone to this kind of thing - one shares a problem with the other in perhaps too much detail and then the other goes to bat for her and ends up being the bad guy because she's judged to be getting involved in things that aren't her concern. Her defence is, if you don't want me to get involved don't tell me anything, if I don't know I won't care, so on that basis I'd have to say as much as it's a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, your boyfriend could help the situation going forward by not sharing the details of your problems with her and/or his family.

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Thanks, that is what we are doing. We are focusing on us. She got a bunch of other people involved at work, not sure why, I can't see anyone really caring so much about this, but apparently co workers who I thought I was friends with were feeding her information off my social media. I got rid of them fast. As much as I want to confront them, I know it will just stir the pot and make matters worse, so I am keeping quiet and making it seem as if nothing bothers me.

This sounds like high school drama right? Well, a little background, all parties involved are over 30 and she is 40. I guess this never stops once you reach a certain age.

She seems like she has some major issues, that are rooted deeper than just having a problem with you and her brother. I would ignore her until things cool down. Obviously he can't ignore his whole family, but he might be better off letting her make the first move to reconcile. Family is family, no matter what, things will get better, you both just need to give her and the family some space to realize that what they're doing is wrong. They'll come around.

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Originally Posted by LB1980 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This sounds like high school drama right? Well, a little background, all parties involved are over 30 and she is 40. I guess this never stops once you reach a certain age.

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While it does sound like high school drama, you should never allude to anyone who is of a certain age that they have reached that "certain age".

People of a certain age here might get offended.

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Originally Posted by LifeInflux [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

While it does sound like high school drama, you should never allude to anyone who is of a certain age that they have reached that "certain age".

People of a certain age here might get offended.

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I'm speaking of my situation, not insulting anyone's age.

I mean, you would think adults can act like adults, is my message.

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Originally Posted by LB1980 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm speaking of my situation, not insulting anyone's age.

I mean, you would think adults can act like adults, is my message.

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I know, it was a mild joke. Many adults are usually no more mentally capable then most mature teenagers, they just have more responsibilities.

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Originally Posted by LifeInflux [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know, it was a mild joke. Many adults are usually no more mentally capable then most mature teenagers, they just have more responsibilities.

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Ha...I guess that is true

It is up to his family to decide if they want to forgive the situation. He's tried to reach out to them. That's all he can do. After that, the ball is in their court. If they don't want to let either of you into their lives, the best thing to do is to ignore them. Focus on each other and on the supportive people in your lives. Ignore the negative ones. Don't let them get you down. What matters is that you are there for each other. He's chosen to stick by you, so just be grateful for that and show your appreciation.

your bf created this mess by b**ching to his family about you. If you two have issues-he should not run to his family and tell them all the gory details-then of course they are gonna form an opinion of you if he has done nothing but complain and put you down. I think its very immature on his part. If my bf did this to me-I would dump him.

Family should not get involved unless it is absolutely necessary-which means violence, abusive, cheating, bills not paid, no food in the fridge.. (big things that put you emotional, physical and mental well being at risk.

Other than that it is none of their business and he is a twat for getting them involved

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

your bf created this mess by b**ching to his family about you. If you two have issues-he should not run to his family and tell them all the gory details-then of course they are gonna form an opinion of you if he has done nothing but complain and put you down. I think its very immature on his part. If my bf did this to me-I would dump him.

Family should not get involved unless it is absolutely necessary-which means violence, abusive, cheating, bills not paid, no food in the fridge.. (big things that put you emotional, physical and mental well being at risk.

Other than that it is none of their business and he is a twat for getting them involved

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I do agree with you to a point. I do not have siblings so I don't know what it is like to have that bond, especially with a twin. We were not together when he told her things about our relationship nor did I ever think things would work out the way they did between he and I. However, what I agree with is that family should not get involved.

PS- I'm sure there was another noun you could have used rather than "twat"

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Originally Posted by VerticalMoon [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It is up to his family to decide if they want to forgive the situation. He's tried to reach out to them. That's all he can do. After that, the ball is in their court. If they don't want to let either of you into their lives, the best thing to do is to ignore them. Focus on each other and on the supportive people in your lives. Ignore the negative ones. Don't let them get you down. What matters is that you are there for each other. He's chosen to stick by you, so just be grateful for that and show your appreciation.

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Thanks! I appreciate your response. It's just everything is a mess and it upsets both of us. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but there's only so much of a front I can put up.

Any kind of issue with the other's family will always be weird. But if you plan on marrying this person, it's best to communicate with the family as to establish a foundation.