Sex but not dating

Printable View

26-07-13, 09:09 AM
cookielady

Sex but not dating

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months because I realize I needed to do some soul searching. Before him, I was in three long term relationships that were emotionally exhausting and I found myself becoming dependent on relationships for happiness. Recently I have been getting better and less depressed. I wanted to break up because I wanted to see if I could be independent and on my own. I don't want to date anyone else during this time. In fact, I love him and can see myself getting married to him.

So my question is, I have been emotionally independent from him for a week now. I have been able to deal with my mood swings and depression without calling him. I miss the physical aspect of our relationship though. I want to negotiate with him and see if he would be okay with us still being physical with each other, but not be boyfriend and girlfriends yet. We both don't plan to sleep with other people. From his side, he said he is willing to wait for a long time for me to develop my own sense of self and work on being more independent. We anticipate being back together in the future.

So...do you think it's okay for us to have a physical relationship given the status of our relationship and my self goals? Pros? Cons?
26-07-13, 09:16 AM
Cashi

If you're both ok with it then I don't see why not.
26-07-13, 07:12 PM
michelle23

Why cant you just be with him and work on yourself at the same time? It is so wrong and unfair to expect him to wait for you! And what happens if one of you sleeps with someone else during this f**k buddy non-committed BS? And what if it hurts him knowing you will just use him for sex when it suits you and he wants more? What is the difference between calling yourselves bf anf gf or just sex? Coz there is no way in hell you are just gonna turn up, f**k him and go home. You will be acting like a couple again within a week without the label.

I cant stand people like you. I really cant. It should be all or nothing. Of course he will take whatever crumb you are willing to give him in the hope that one day you will "find yourself" and decide to marry him and he will just waste a whole load of time on you until you feel you are strong enough to cut him off for good and marry someone else.

These situations never end well. I think you should decide are you all in or out? And if your out buy a dildo, tell him its over for good and allow him to move on and meet someone who will give him the commitment he deserves.

I would never wait for anyone. F**k that
26-07-13, 11:03 PM
Wakeup

Quote:

So...do you think it's okay for us to have a physical relationship given the status of our relationship and my self goals? Pros? Cons?

You're joking, right? Try being okay on your own in ALL aspects. You will become dependent on "him" (him being your sexual partner who ever that may be) for that (that being sex) as well as everything else that you're taking a break from. How naive of you to think that you could maintain a sexual relationship while trying to become non-depressed and independent. Have you read about how many mostly women and some men become all screwed up emotionally over NSA sex? People who have no depression and are not reliant on men to make them happy.. You are currently still depressed and you're currently still working on "getting better."

You're not emotionally equipped to keep your emotional self unevolved with a FB or a FWB... don't even think about this any further. Buy yourself a couple of sex toys instead.

Quote:

Recently I have been getting better and less depressed.

Which means you are still depressed only less so. How have you been working on "getting better?" Are you seeing anyone for your depression?
27-07-13, 01:56 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

I think it's a good idea, so you can sort yourself out properly and still have fun.
27-07-13, 02:15 AM
Ann S

Are you saying that sex isn't emotional for you? and it's not bonding? You say you love this guy? I don't believe you. What a preposterous idea. Ann S
27-07-13, 02:28 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think it's a good idea, so you can sort yourself out properly and still have fun.

... and, I think you shouldn't fk with the emotionally challenged. :emot156:
27-07-13, 03:25 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

That graphic is awesome. As I continue to stare at it, I'm getting very..very..slee..zzzzzz
27-07-13, 05:16 AM
cookielady

I appreciate everyone's comment. I do not, however, think there is any reason to be rude and insulting. Share your opinions yes, but could you at least try not to be hurtful and accusatory? I am unsure about this idea which is the very reason why I posted it on this forum to seek others opinions. I have been in therapy for a long time and have been getting considerably better.

There are a couple of assumptions I should correct:
1. I never asked him to wait. I actually decided to let him go and hope we can be back together one day. He was the one who decided to wait. We both have stated that we do not plan to have sex or date other people. He stated he doesn't want to because he prefers to wait for me. And I stated that I don't want to either since that's going against my goals in the first place. I have been nothing but honest with him and have no intentions of hurting him. So please refrain from assuming that I am about to use him for sex and then go f*ck someone else.

2. This is not a no-strings-attached situation. Yes, sex is also an emotional bonding, but regardless of whether or not I date him, I will continue to have feelings for him. We have already decided that we'll still spend time together, cooking, taking walks etc. Those are emotional bonding activities as well. Saying that I should decide on all or nothing is a dangerous oversimplification of relationships. Are you stating that to work on myself, I need to not do any activities with him that would be emotionally bonding? Should I just cut myself off from him entirely? Surely this suggestion is not a good idea, since no person should become isolated, regardless of how depressed or non-depressed they are.

All in all, I don't have concerns about either of us "f*cking" the other person over. Both of us are quite loyal and do what we say we would. I do think having sex with him would add a layer of complication. Can I still be physical with him and be emotionally independent? The answer is YES of course. That's not unfathomable. Obviously, if I have sex with him, those feelings will still be there. Heck, even if I don't have sex with him, those feelings will still be there. I will still love and cherish him no matter what our relationship status is. What's the differences between the label and not using the label? It makes a difference to me because the label adds pressure for me even though technically I won't behave that differently. Obviously, that is a problem that I am working on figuring out. One of you asked, why couldn't I just be with him and work on myself? I think that's a fair suggestion. I wonder that as well.
27-07-13, 05:27 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

Totally agree. You can definitely separate sex and emotions.
27-07-13, 05:45 AM
4 ratties

My vote is its an extremely bad idea. But all these idiots on here think it's a good idea so **** what's right or wrong just do what u wanna do :)
Your never going to accomplish your Independent soul searching.. You've only been doing it a week and u already feel the need for his penis in your vagina. Sad.
27-07-13, 05:45 AM
4 ratties

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Totally agree. You can definitely separate sex and emotions.

You must have a penis.
27-07-13, 06:09 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookielady [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I appreciate everyone's comment. I do not, however, think there is any reason to be rude and insulting. Share your opinions yes, but could you at least try not to be hurtful and accusatory? I am unsure about this idea which is the very reason why I posted it on this forum to seek others opinions. I have been in therapy for a long time and have been getting considerably better.

then by all means, do discuss your idea with your therapist, you're paying him/her good money to do just that.. and he/she will do it without making you feel as if you've been insulted.

Quote:

This is not a no-strings-attached situation. Yes, sex is also an emotional bonding, but regardless of whether or not I date him, I will continue to have feelings for him. We have already decided that we'll still spend time together, cooking, taking walks etc.

You add sex to that and the only bloody thing that has changed is your label. What is the point of your being on your own to soul search and become emotionally independent if you're still doing everything you always did with one another? Can you explain your reasonining for your opening post?

Quote:

Those are emotional bonding activities as well. Saying that I should decide on all or nothing is a dangerous oversimplification of relationships. Are you stating that to work on myself, I need to not do any activities with him that would be emotionally bonding? Should I just cut myself off from him entirely?

If you want to have a goal as stated in your opening post then yes, you should

Quote:

Surely this suggestion is not a good idea, since no person should become isolated, regardless of how depressed or non-depressed they are.

What is the point of your opening post. Really, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here? No one said ANYTHING about becoming isolated, friends and family are important to gaining emotional maturity. FB's, FWB and a man are not. Learning to be happy and emotionally fulfilled with yourself is the goal. A male partner is just the icing on your already happy and fulfilled life.

Quote:

That's not unfathomable. Obviously, if I have sex with him, those feelings will still be there. Heck, even if I don't have sex with him, those feelings will still be there.

but your goal was to become emotionally independent. How can you do that while you're contining doing the very things that lead you to be emotionally dependent in the first place?

Quote:

I will still love and cherish him no matter what our relationship status is. What's the differences between the label and not using the label?

You tell us, you're the one that is dillusional in your thinking, perhaps you would be more credible in your assertions if you actually explained how you plan on becoming emotionally independent while remaining being emotionally dependent.

Quote:

It makes a difference to me because the label adds pressure for me even though technically I won't behave that differently.

this is called denial and it's part of being codependent. Does your therapist have experience in working with people who are codependent? If the label adds pressure then maybe you should also talk to your therapist about fear of commitment.????

Quote:

Obviously, that is a problem that I am working on figuring out. One of you asked, why couldn't I just be with him and work on myself? I think that's a fair suggestion. I wonder that as well.

You can't be with him and accomplish what you're attempting. I seriously suggest you talk to your therapist so that she can make you understand that.

If you were'nt already emotionally dependent on this man, then have your sex while being emotionally independent but with your depression and your apparent codependency... you'll be at square one.. nothing is being changed so nothing will change. So do carry on because you've not changed a thing. lol
27-07-13, 06:29 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4 ratties [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You must have a penis.

I think you meant, The Penis.
27-07-13, 08:27 AM
michelle23

So your still gonna act like a couple but not be a couple? Gawd your annoying. You may think you can do all of this without hurting him. Hes more committed to you than you are to him. It makes no sense to act like your his gf and then say your not his gf.. That is mixed signals, over comlicating it and ultimately making him suffer coz now hes stick in limbo waiting for you to find yourself"

You say you want to be more independant and happy on your own? But yet your not gonna be alone coz hes still there. Your plan doesnt make any sense

Just cut the crap. Seriously! Do you want to be with him or not? Yes or no?
27-07-13, 08:06 PM
HDBadger

You are still dependent on him.
01-08-13, 11:11 PM
Maple1714

OP - What do you really want? To me, your posts sound like justifications for being able to "have your cake and eat it too". I am not really a big fan of the saying, but I think it applies here. Is your depression coming from a sense of feeling "trapped" while you were in the relationship? Do you want to keep all the comforts this guy provides you with, but still be able to live your life on your own, separate from the responsibilities of a full time relationship?

Anyway, what do you really want? Don't be afraid to admit it. Do not go down the half in a relationship/half not road...someone will get hurt because it's a very rare situation where 2 people are on the same page about separating sex and emotion. Going for a walk or cooking dinner does not produce the same type of bonding that the physical act of sex does...get real.

And I don't think anyone replying to your post is being that harsh or putting you down (maybe Backup but that's his m.o.), so don't take anything as a personal jab...we don't know you. This is objective.
02-08-13, 04:53 AM
Constructo Man

I think it could work if you establish some ground rules like if the two you will remain monogamous during this time. Sometimes when your young its hard to tell what you want but if you can see yourself marrying this guy some day then you probably have a future and the too of you also have a history. Maybe just be honest and have some ground rules? Good Luck and good for you for seeing where this goes and not just giving up.