hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

about 4 weeks ago bf who i been wiv 11years said he was meeting friend after work so wd be later than usual. got bk n said hed been helping her for an exam coming up. two weeks later he said he was meeting her for coffee after work as she had a few probs n was a friend. we have been having issues ourselves mind. things arent what they use to be. we brought a house together a year back n its been tough. anyway, this week he meets her again n i ask a few questions. he got a bit defensive. when i asked if he txt her n he said yes. i asked what they talked about n he got funny. eventually after i insisted he showed me texts which he said 'ive never felt this way before' 'we need to take it slow'. he swears blind he hasnt cheated. as we were having probs n been together since we were 16 he liked the attention n when she wanted to kiss he cdnt do it. i told him to leave. today he returned n he is sorry. in pieces. said he dont know why he did it other than he felt we had drifted at home. do i believe him? i dnt hink he actually did anything but is he texts enough to end it?

Why was she wanting to kiss him she obviously knows about you, or doesn't he tell her about you?
Maybe he told her you are on the rocks and she wants him and he let her think he is about to be free? Talk to her, her number is on the texts, see what she says, or ask him not to see her and see how he reacts.
IDK what he did or didn't do, he will lie to you if he ****ed her anyhow. She might tell ya the truth.

Its possible this was/is an emotional affair. Perhaps he didnt cross the line and physically cheat YET but he was heading for it. The fact he has met her alone should be enough to end it. There is a huge possibility he did kiss her or more and hes not gonna tell you the truth if he did. This would be enough for me to end it.. His excuse you drifted apart is not good enough. He should have tried to fix things with you or gone to couples counselling or left. Instead he went to her with all his problems, developed feelings and likely lining up a plan B or a rebound. Cowards way out.

if you do want to try and work things out you gotta make him pay first and i mean BIG time. Make him work his f**king ass off for you. Show him your not a doormat, make him think he has lost you. Let him suffer. That way if you get back together he will never take you for granted again. Make him suffer and experience life without you for at least 3months, date others during this time. Then if hes still begging-go for couples counselling, start all over again and date him-very slowly at your pace and stay in control.

I would just end it now. He has proved he is weak.. That would be enough for me. All trust and respect would be gone plus you will never no the full story or the full truth. Hes gonna lie

Ill add you should use this time apart to test him. Change the locks, block him from your phone, ignore him. See if he runs to her.

Tell him next time he feels "it's drifted at home" that he talk to you about it and you can at least have the opportunity to remedy what he feels is missing there. If you're going to stay with him then you both need to communicate whats going on in your head and then work TOGETHER to resolve it.

Has he told you he'll cut out all this after work meeting up with her, texting her and hanging out with her at work?
Why didn't you tell him you'd like to go along with him when he met her for coffee? Goodness sakes it's not right for him to being having hook ups and "dates" with another girl without you there. This isn't some friend he's had since he was in grade 3 and who you have also become friends with?

Don't be afraid to tell him that you think certain things he had done (or about to do in the furture) are inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your relationship.You didn't tell him you didn't want him meeting her at all?

Anyway... If he already thinks that things were "off at home" then I doubt very much that you acting like your his mother and punishing him like he's a little boy will resolve your inability to trust him now so why get involved with even more negativity in your union? JMNSHO.

If you can afford marriage councelling then I'd ask him to go with you. If you can't, then you might try reading together the book "Getting The Love You Want" by Norville Hendrix. There are several other titles on relationships and coming back from something like this that will also help the two of you get back on track... as long as the both of you want the same thing in the end, which I'm presuming is to remain together, happily.

11 years you are not married yet? Strike one. You been together since you were 16, so no experience with dating others, that's strike two. He's been having an emotional affair (that's still cheating), strike three.

I have to say he can't help the way he feels for this co-worker, your relationship is stagnant, and the only reason he comes crawling back is because he is suffering from separation anxiety. He has never been without you and it's a shock to his system.

Take a step back and review your relationship, the way it was, the way it has been for the last few years and what goals are planned for the future. You need to ask yourself some very honestly blunt questions about where things truly stand. This just might be a realization that your relationship is dead already and you two have been in limbo.

Give yourself some time to think, go over everything and see if it is time to move on or at least get some counseling together and hash it out that way to make sure your decision is the right one.

hey thanks for ur answer, yes she does know about me. she mentioned me in one if the texts

yes he told me he wnt see or txt her again. he has also told her. she responded which he showed me saying 'its my fault'. i did tell him it was inapprpriate n asked to meet her which is how i knew something was up.

What are you gonna do about it. The fact he said to her "lets take things slow" means that he knew exactly what he was doing.

A lot of the time when someone has an EA they go into denial and pretend its all innocent and "were jus friends" but he knew he was crossing a line and did nothing to stop it until he was caught.

he said he just got caught up in it n when she wanted to kiss he cdnt do it. he wanted me to know because he cdnt go on with it. he says he wants me, but happy like we used to be otherwise we break up. either way he dnt want her.

how will he make this up to me? what can he do?

So unless things are all happy and sweet, he goes elsewhere? Newsflash - long term relationships aren't all peaches and cream. You have good days, bad days - smooth periods, rough patches. You work through these as best as you can. If he's started looking elsewhere (and make no mistake, those texts were him trying something with someone else) then it's obvious that fixing things between you two is not a priority. The only thing he has managed to do is make things even worse.

You've been with him so maybe you'll forgive him...but keep your eyes open.

11 years and no marriage, is this a conscious decision by the both of you, I'm not saying everybody should get married but has this subject ever came up?

I was in a 9year relationship and never proposed because while I loved her a hell of a lot, she was a wonderful person but she wasn't very tidy (I am and don't wish to do everything myself) or maternal (I wanted kids).
I basically ended up having an emotional affair and then eventually split up with her when I met another woman, which ended as just a fling, karma! It was cowardly and I wasted her time but she's with a great guy more suited to her which is good :)

I'm saying all of this because while I don't know all of the details it just feels very familiar when I read what you've written.
If you really want to make this work I think you need to find out exactly how you've 'drifted'. Find out what he was looking for from this woman that he doesn't get from you.
Does he work with this woman?

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Originally Posted by josie33 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

he said he just got caught up in it n when she wanted to kiss he cdnt do it. he wanted me to know because he cdnt go on with it. he says he wants me, but happy like we used to be otherwise we break up. either way he dnt want her.

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Then talk to someone about couples councelling or get to your local libraray and take out some books on how to help your relationship survive after an emotional affair. Google it if you don't have access to a book store or a library and educate yourself. Get doing things together that will get your emotional connection back with him and he with you.

If you just take him back and expect things to be fixed, then this will happen again. Talk to him about what he thought was missing at home and ask him to come up with a strategy that will help you bond with more passion.

I'm sorry, did you say you have children? You say you bought a house together last year and "its been tough" What has been "tough" about it?

yes he works for the same company as her but not in the same building since last week afer a business shuffle. we dnt have children. n we havent got married because we cdnt afford too! things have been difficult mainly as i hate my job v.much n its very stressful. i started the job just before we brought house. admittedly i have been a nightmare at times. snappy n rude n am sarcastic alot. i have been trying to get a new job for 1 year. when im moody i snap at him about little thngs n regrt it but stubbonly rarely apologise.

Well, Josie... time to stop taking your shit out on your bf and get the nice calm and loving feeling back with one another. It's no excuse what he was about to do but it is a warning call about your relationship in general.

If you hate your job then I hope you're doing everything you can to find another one. When life gets in the way and we are in a longterm relationship, it gets really easy to neglect what we have now taken for granted because other stresses seem to take priority. Time to get back to basics with him and start to have date nights together, stop watching T.V. or be on the internet and do things where you have to focus on one another. Make a point to show one another how much you appreciate each other and leave outside stresses, outside.

So, where do you think your first date should be?

thank you wake up. truelly thank you

If this kind of stress made him wander, how is he going to handle the major stresses of being married with the responsibilities of raising children, and paying the bills, a mortgage etc. Good luck to ya.

e already have a mortgage...and ok we rnt married but 11years...that cnt be far off the difficulties that wd come with marriage?

You're living together... as far as I'm concerned, you are married ~ you just don't have the licence. I'm not sure what the family law is in Britain but here in Canada, another year together (in some provinces) and you'll be just as good as married in the equal rights sense and in the committed sense as well.

All long term relationships eventually go through blips. Its up to the two individuals involved how hard they work together to get through them.

Good luck... I hope you both have the will and the love for one another to keep going and doing so happy with one another.

I'll add that I think it's very important that he understands that all communication and contact whether in person or not must stop if you want this relationship to get back to what you had when you first fell in love with one another so do make that clear to him, josie.

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Originally Posted by josie33 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

e already have a mortgage...and ok we rnt married but 11years...that cnt be far off the difficulties that wd come with marriage?

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Having kids..............

Ya... I'd put off having children until your relationship is solid and you're both happy knowing that you're one another priority. When kids do come along, don't neglect your hubby just because you're now a mother. Keep having those date nights, game nights, whatever with one another and get a good reliable babysitter who you can leave him/her/them with so you can continue to focus on one another.

Take him back with no consequences and your relationship is doomed. Dont be his fool. And dont just believe every word he says. How do you no he didnt sleep with her? He has been meeting her alone for the past 3weeks.. Open your eyes girl

SMH!

There is no way id just let this go and welcome him home with open arms. This WILL happen again next time you hit a rough patch and then it could be ten times worse-you could be pregnant or have a newborn. He needs counselling before you can trust him again and he also needs to research EA in detail

I actually believe him, I really do.

I think he lacks communication and coping skills, and this was the way he acted out.

I think him telling you this happened because of your drift means you can't make this about "what can he do to make it up to me", but, "do we both want to work on our relationship"?

This shouldnt be about him making it up to her. It should be about him working on himself, understanding what he has done and how to ensure it never happens again

OP you need to ask him straight is he still committed to you? Does he wana marry you and have kids with you? Are you just his "for now" girl or is this real? Maybe he has wanted out for ages. Maybe he freaked when you kicked him out and ran back to what is comfortable and familiar (you). The fact he came back doesnt necessarily mean his heart is fully in it

Im not saying this to freak you out. I just think for your sake and before you go wasting money on counselling and books-those qs need to be answered.

ok so its monday n back to work. im terrified. hes going to tell her today whats happened n that they can have no more contact. she txt him yesterday to say it was her fault this happened n she will delete his number. she said - now u know u really do love her. he left early this morn. i feel sick not knowing whats gonna be said. he said tonght he will tell me n show me he has deleted her number. the messages have already gone. i have told him if i want to see his phone i will n he agreed. we have discussed why he felt neglected. i am worried literally sick

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Originally Posted by josie33 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

ok so its monday n back to work. im terrified. hes going to tell her today whats happened n that they can have no more contact. she txt him yesterday to say it was her fault this happened n she will delete his number. she said - now u know u really do love her. he left early this morn. i feel sick not knowing whats gonna be said. he said tonght he will tell me n show me he has deleted her number. the messages have already gone. i have told him if i want to see his phone i will n he agreed. we have discussed why he felt neglected. i am worried literally sick

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Now that you've decided that the two of your are going to concentrate on getting your focus on one another and stop making outside influences (his and your outside influences) your priority, you have to train you mind to trust that he is in this as much as you are and that he wants your relationship and you as his LIFEmate.

Do go to the library where books are free and check out some books on couples and relationships. As I said "Getting the Love You Want" is a good one for your situation. You can read it together. He wants you so try to relax.

Google: "How to overcome and emotional affair as a couple" (it's free) and read what the EA partner will be experiencing as well as what you can do to ensure your own self and what you can do as a team to keep the connection to one another a happy and fulfilling one.

Don't be scared, be proactive and determined to live your lives together happily.

If he knows that you'll not put up with something like this again, that the house will be sold, the money split and you'll go your separate ways, then he'll be even more determined to make this work. He could have gone to her when you told him to leave but he didn't... he wants you, Josie. It was a wake up call for the two of you to stop taking one another for granted and once again start showing one another how much you value each other.

I'm sure he realizes that if she's the type to try something like she did with a guy in a committed long term relationship and she knew he was, then she's not all that great of person to begin with.

That wouldnt be good enough for me. How do you know he wont just buy a new secret phone and just be more careful to hide this affair from you? I would want to confront her myself and ask her to tell me her side of the story and ask did he physically cheat?

I wouldnt just take his word that everything is hunkey dory.. Sorry i know im not helping you to recreate trust BUT you need to be sure hes not just telling you what you want to hear

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm sure he realizes that if she's the type to try something like she did with a guy in a committed long term relationship and she knew he was, then she's not all that great of person to begin with.

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Cant blame this on the other woman. She didnt betray OP. Her partner did. Plus if this means OW aint worth it then that means he isnt either..

Too many unanswered qs for my liking. I wouldnt take him back

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That wouldnt be good enough for me. How do you know he wont just buy a new secret phone and just be more careful to hide this affair from you? I would want to confront her myself and ask her to tell me her side of the story and ask did he physically cheat?

I wouldnt just take his word that everything is hunkey dory.. Sorry i know im not helping you to recreate trust BUT you need to be sure hes not just telling you what you want to hear

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Michelle. That is fine. It wouldn't be good enough for you and the proof of that will be when/if your relationship with your bf is threatened because he is finding a new coworker exciting and fresh and new. Until then, all the "that wouldn't be good enough for me's" are just words without action.

You are obsessed more with being made a fool of through being lied to then anything, really. That's ego and ego has no place in this if they want it to work. It will be quite clear via the red flags he flies if he's doing anything like what you suggest.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That wouldnt be good enough for me. How do you know he wont just buy a new secret phone and just be more careful to hide this affair from you? I would want to confront her myself and ask her to tell me her side of the story and ask did he physically cheat?

I wouldnt just take his word that everything is hunkey dory.. Sorry i know im not helping you to recreate trust BUT you need to be sure hes not just telling you what you want to hear

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Good lord, what good could actually come out of confronting the other woman that would actually be productive in resolving this issue? Why don't you just piss on your boyfriend and everything he owns to just "mark" your territory. Its just about as productive as the confrontation bit.

Although Michelle does sound paranoid, I agree with some of the things she said. My Ex was a cheater and men lie about that. They always say, they're no longer dealing with this chic, that chic and most of the time, they are still dealing with them or have someone new. Like now my Ex will give anything to be with me but that ship has sailed basically because if he in your heart, he in there but when he's out. He's out. I'm sure he's changed but the damage is done and If you was good to them, they will remember you and always run back to you because there is no other woman out there like you. But, they have to deal with the consequences.

Anyway, he needs to prove himself to you. I'm speaking to you from experience. Men will only do what you let them do and he has to know you're not joking because they will keep pushing your limits when they know you love them. If you choose to take him back, then that's on you but he needs to know your dead set serious. Life can be stressful at times. What's going to happen when he get stressed again?

I don't trust it. I would be like uhm, I want to hear you tell her that your through with her and you're into me totally and only dedicated to me.

Then again, if this is the only time he has stepped out in 11 years, you could give him another chance I guess.

Eleven years and not married? He needs to be checking out rings and go ahead and seal the deal.

so i got home, he grabbed my hand n said 'sit down because you would have worried all day about what happened'. he told her today. told her that they both knew what they were doing was wrong n was headed nowhere. he said he cdnt see or talk to her anymore because he wanted to try n repair r relationship. apparently she just looked aside, said ok n walked off. he then tol me to delete all th messages n her number from his phone. we did it together. hes put the phone on the table on loud so i can hear if a txt/call comes through n said i can check it anytime. he deleted his call log so her number no longer exists. we have talked about changes we both need to make. i have told him i have not forgiven him, i dont know if i even can, but only time will tell. wake up -we will plan r first date this weekend n take it from there.

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Originally Posted by horndog [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good lord, what good could actually come out of confronting the other woman that would actually be productive in resolving this issue? Why don't you just piss on your boyfriend and everything he owns to just "mark" your territory. Its just about as productive as the confrontation bit.

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She would be more likely to get the full truth that way dog. Cheaters lie. When they are caught and backed into a corner, the lie. They try to make it look not as bad as it actually is. Plus EA are addictive. Its not as easy as "i never wana talk to you again, blocked you deleted your number, goodbye" many are sucked back in and it doesnt end just coz he said it did. How is wanting honesty and the truth "marking my teritory.

He has already proved he IS capable of lieing, cheating and decieving. I wouldnt be stupid enough to just so okay you told her its over, great-lets live happily ever after.

Im not saying she shouldnt try and work it out if she wants to. Just dont believe everything he tells her. Hes gotta earn her trust now and prove it really is over and tell her the FULL truth if they are gonna move forward

Michelle. Just once, put a fking sock in it, will you. Jesus H. Christ. This woman doesn't want to hear your paranoid shit and baggage that you hold onto due and because of being cheating on yourself.

Coming here to this forum is like going to couples councelling for her. Do you really think a therapist would tell her the rubbish you spew so often about your own fear of infidelilty?

F**k you WU. Im not paranoid. I just wouldnt put my head in the sand and sweep this under the rug. I was answering dogs qs. I think first and foremost shes gotta be sure she does know the full truth before deciding what action to take

Josie: She can lie just as easily as your boyfriend could and contacting her at this point will be detrimental to your reconciliation attempts. Play it by ear, look out for red flag behaviour but don't be paranoid and conjure up stuff that isn't there, enjoy your date and all the best to you both. I hope he shows you and you inturn show him that you value one another and you work through this just fine.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

F**k you WU. Im not paranoid. I just wouldnt put my head in the sand and sweep this under the rug. I was answering dogs qs. I think first and foremost shes gotta be sure she does know the full truth before deciding what action to take

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**** you too. You are the most paranoid person about infidelity I have ever witnessed on a forum. I suggest YOU get help for your own fear of it that you project onto couples that are trying their best to get back on track. It's one thing to tell someone to leave when it's obvious that there is no remorse and its been ongoing and continuing.... It's quite another to keep pushing your agenda on people like Op and her partner.