"complicated" vagina

Hello hello.

I'm a 23 year old male dating a 27 year old female. We have been a couple for 3 months and dated for a while longer.

In the beginning it was apparent that she was not going to orgasm easily. She told me that it was because she needed to get to know me better and trust me. I, of course, accepted this.

Now, 3 months later, we are madly in love and it has become apparent that having feelings are not the issue as she still has severe problems having an orgasm. When I brought it up, she told me that the issue lies in the fact that she is obsessed with her looks and how I view her etc. I can understand that and so I do what I can do improve her self-confidence and assure her that I find her very sexy in any situation.

But her vagina is what puzzles me. I've been with my share of women both in and out of relationships and I consider myself to know how to please a woman. As a matter of fact, pleasing the woman is my #1 priority in sex (as it should be).
Now, first of all what does work: She enjoys dry-humping the comforter. This is her #1 way of masturbating. She can sometimes reach an orgasm this way on top of me, with or without penetration, using the comforter to stimulate her clitoris.

However, there is not way to actually touch her clitoris for stimulation. I've tried warming her up thoroughly, but she simply does not enjoy being touched or pleased that way. It seems that the only thing that does the trick is a comforter around the area. I can touch her clitoris if I keep her labia over the clitoris (vagina completely 'shut'), but this does not bring her anywhere close to an orgasm.
She absolutely loathes being fingered. I've tried to stimulate her g-spot but she just hates being fingered so it's pretty much just off the table (I did heat her up beforehand in all of the cases where I attempted this).

Now another thing that confuses me is whether or not she enjoys being touched around the anus.
My experience is that a lot of women enjoy being gently touched and even fingered lightly in the anus during intercourse. I would gently work my way towards her anus and she would take my hand away so I didn't think no further of it...Then we both got drunk and I decided to try again and she moaned at me to finger her anus which I did and it gave her immense pleasure. When I do work around her anus she starts to orgasm but stops and takes my hand away so I'm thinking that the problem is, again, her self-confidence and not the fact that she does not enjoy it. I did ask directly and she claimed not to enjoy it..

Is this woman having such self-esteem issues that it is preventing her from having an orgasm all-together? All my ex-girlfriends have been very orgasm-friendly so I'm very new to this type of situation. How do I help her achieve an orgasm? I'm reading up on kama-sutra but most of the stuff there is pretty routine for my sex-life (didn't know that before I read it, though).

If dry humping the comforter is what works for her, then why just not allow her to enjoy orgasm that way? Why do you have to do it your way?

My husband also has the issue that he needs to be masturbating and dry humping something in order to orgasm. I used to drive myself crazy trying to get him to orgasm through other ways and getting frustrated when nothing would work. Then I realized that he was enjoying himself regardless. I was just stuck on a futile goal that was getting in the way of my enjoyment, and that he didn't care about nearly as much as I did. Since then, I learned to relax about the whole issue. Now I just enjoy the fact that he's very aroused with me. When we're ready to be done, I usually just assist him in masturbating. We both walk away satisfied and happy.

So back to your situation, it's not as though she's never reaches orgasm when she's with you. She's just being brought to orgasm in a different way than the other girls you've been with. I know you want to prove to her and to yourself that you can bring her to orgasm the usual way. But for whatever reason, that way just doesn't work for her. If it's really about pleasing her, then let her get pleasure the way that works best for her.

The only other option I see is to ask her to stop masturbating for a while. After a couple of weeks, she's likely to be able to reach orgasm in other ways. But she'll be incredible frustrated during that period. Since it's a new relationship, and also since you seem interested in making her happy, I'm guessing you don't want to put her in that position.

You should ask her to try masturbating in other ways. Theres loads of things she can try. Loads of toys, her hands, even water from the shower head..

Ask her to stimulate herself in different ways for a month and DONT use the comforter at all. Shes prob dependant on it and you wont be able to figure her out in other ways until she can herself.

Some women have no interest in anal play. Even if i was guaranteed multiple orgasms through anal-i wouldnt want to do it. Some people are not comfortable with that and ou should respect it.

I doubt its self esteem issues-if it was that she prob wouldnt go on top or use the comforter in front of you and it would be lights off and blankets up..

When my ex was single before me she got a vibrator and was reaching orgasm with it. When we would have sex she was dependent on using the vibrator to orgasm. So that's what we did sometimes before sometimes after I did. Very rarely I could get her off during oral sex. Also my ex never did anything anally before me but opened up when I tried eventually she loved being fingered a little while she masturbated.

I think this girl could be the same way. She found a way to orgasm and just knows how to do it that way. If she is happy with it just let her do her thing. Maybe you can try and convince her to be open to other ways. I wouldn't take it personally it's most likely a mental block stopping her from doing it other ways.

Her type of masturbation is not unusual....humping a pillow, sofa arm etc. There are plenty of women that can only reach orgasm this way. The behavior is learned in childhood. If this is the way she gets off this is the way she gets off.

Thank you for your answers.

I'm not saying that I do not respect her way of getting off, but I think sex is an ever-evolving act that can always be improved.

She rarely gets off so what I am wondering is if there are any women who relate to this and can tell me something I don't know.

I used to only get off one way because it was the only way I knew how but once I started trying different things-they worked. I have no problems at all climaxing with my bf. 99% of the time I do. She just needs to explore her body more and get used to different types of stimulus. Buy her a vibrator, a dido and one of those suction toys. I've never tried it but apparently its very similar to oral. If that works for her, you may find it easier to get her off through oral. You could also try one of those toys to use in the bath together-water toys.

There a little expensive but may be worth a try. Don't put pressure on her. Just ask her is she open to trying different things. She may also be inexperienced and a little self-conscious. Be patient with her and just try your best to make her feel comfortable, safe and relaxed.

Give it 6 months. If your still unhappy then-maybe its time to cut your losses and walk away. It may mean you and she are just not sexually compatible but give it your best shot first to make it better

Good luck

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Originally Posted by paze [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for your answers.

I'm not saying that I do not respect her way of getting off, but I think sex is an ever-evolving act that can always be improved.

She rarely gets off so what I am wondering is if there are any women who relate to this and can tell me something I don't know.

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Like I said this is learned behavior and there are many women who can only orgasm this way. Here is a ink to a forum where other women talk about it....just copy paste. http://ehealthforum.com/health/pillow-humping-only-way-to-orgasm-t188563-a1_20.html

Her way of getting off has NOTHING to do with sexual incompatibility or your lack of ability to. This is psychologically programmed into her brain. I'm sure if you do more searching on the internet there are medical studies on this.

I read one of the posts, and a woman was so embarrassed by not being able to orgasm normally with her husband that she just faked them....sad.

She might like to read the book "Sex For One" its about different ways to masturbate (even has drawings to facilitate the learning process). What she does is normal (as smackie has said) but I can see your frustration because its obvious that you get a lot of your pleasure from seeing your fine skills working on her. When you don't see the fruits of your labours, you aren't getting (some) or your own needs met. (nothing like a good unselfish lover who gets pleasure from giving)

I think if you can figure out a way to continuously rub her clitoris while you're inside of her (with your own pubic bone while in the missionary possition for instance and with a steady rhythm) then you might have a better chance of making her pop. It will be just like her blanky, but she'll be lie facing up rather then down.

She can help herself change up her "style" by using her blanket while lying on her back and training herself to come that way, rather then facing down and humping.

We can train ourselves to orgasm in different positions but I'd recommend she don't do this in front of you but rather on her own until she masters it herself.

There is also dental dams that you can try or a piece of silk cloth or the like while you gently finger her so that she doesn't get the "jolt" of direct stimulation. Many woman can't tolerate direct clitoral stimulation and she sounds like one of them. Stimulating her Gspot takes a good deal of roughness and consistance for it to be useful. I'd avoid that for the time being. Also: You've only been a couple for three months, don't push the anal play until she's more comfortable with you and her own body.

Good luck.

Thanks all, for the continued answers.

Do any women here recommend a toy/object that she will enjoy rubbing there, seeing as she is a "pillow/sheet humper"? Any other pillow humpers out there who found a really nice toy that they enjoyed?

I believe I am past the first stage of "improving" the situation. We both admit the "problem" and we both discuss everything openly so nothing is off the table here.
Is there a way for me to make her experience a g-spot orgasm or are there simply women who will never experience this? If so, any ideas? (She's 27 years old with multiple previous partners, time is not going to teach her to orgasm)

Again, I would like some ideas on vaginal touching. Can it be done or is it simply off the table for the time being? Are there ladies out there who simply DO NOT enjoy it and never will?

Bonus question for my own self-esteem:

She claims that achieving an orgasm has always been a problem for her and that she is having a lot of orgasms with me compared to all of her ex's. Is this likely to be true or is it likely that with time, she found harmony in her sex life with another partner? Or is it common for men to not even try to improve their partners experience?

Thanks.

Your problem isn't a complicated vagina, it's that you have a girlfriend who needs to get boozy in order to admit that she finds anal-play arousing.

Millie, that's what I was suspecting, so I opened up the debate but she refused to enjoying it. I can't force her..

The problem is that she never learned to physically touch herself. She needs to explore herself and not you in order for her to familiarize what feels right and what doesn't.

I think the problem is that he doesn't know how to listen.

I doubt it. If she doesn't know her own body then how can she tell him anything.

From my own experience- me and my bf only figured out gspot a year ago annd were together 5years.. Before that, it was always just clit orgasms.

My suggestion is to take it one step at a time. First ask her to explore her own body. Then after awhile figure out how to make her orgasm with your hands, then oral, then sex, then gspot, then you could ask her to try anal and so on.. Dont move onto something new until you have figured out how to make her orgasm each way.

Only have sex after she cums or after trying to make her cum first for awhile.

I think this is the best way to learn and it keeps things interesting for ages. Me and my bf are still trying new things which always keeps us hot for each other.

Just recently i asked him to cum on me-like on my boobs and belly which is something he never asked for but little things like that-can really be a huge turn on after being together for so long.

Again he only started cuming inside me a year ago which is now a huge turn on for the both of us.

Little new things every six months or so really add to the spark :)

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I doubt it. If she doesn't know her own body then how can she tell him anything.

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He's not listening to us is what I meant so how can he even listen to her. You tell him to let her experiment alone and I tell him how he can stimulate her clitoris in the rubbing motion that she's used to and the first thing he comes back with is: Does anyone know of any toys I can show her? WTF?

Anyway.. OP: (without giving away TMI or personal information about our sex life: No don't show her any toys, buy her the book "Sex for One" and talk to her about changing up her mastabatory habits so that she can orgasm in other ways. If she doesn't want to change it up and you can't wrap your head around not being able to get her off.. then you're not compatible so why stay with her while YOU feel inadequate. Maybe you should try to wrap your head around her standart way of orgasming a little more too?

I'm not a fan of direct clitoral stimulation. But, prefer penetration. It's all about the build up for me. It's a big turn off to just have fingers jammed inside of me or someone sucking on my clit for 10 minutes. Yikes.

It's possible she doesn't want to "change" her habits.

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Originally Posted by paze [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's 27 years old with multiple previous partners, time is not going to teach her to orgasm

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Uh, yes it is. Just because she's 27 and with multiple previous partners doesn't necessarily mean she is an expert on her own orgasms.

Personally I think she has been made to feel ashamed as a kid for masturbating, so now she is ashamed to reach orgasm in front of you via any other means than the one she knows (see what happened with the anus stimulation incident - she was really enjoying it but then she felt ashamed and made you stop). That's why she said she has never had so many orgasms with a man before - she actually feels more sexually comfortable with you than with any other guy. This is a good thing.

I think she should learn how to reach orgasm on her own without using a blanket or pillow or anything - just her fingers. She should break down those psychological barriers and start experimenting. Until she is comfortable with her own self, there's nothing you can do.

I'm just gonna throw out there that it took a guy with experience and skill to teach me how to have a clitoral orgasm. I think I could have pfaffed around forever down there and not figured it out myself.

OP is she happy with the way it is now and you really haven't told her that you want a different experience with her?

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

OP is she happy with the way it is now and you really haven't told her that you want a different experience with her?

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She is happy, but I've been with other women who had way more intense orgasms than her, so I believe she can be happier whether she realizes it or not.

I have not told her that I want a different experience and I'm not really 'chasing' a different experience and focusing on that. I'm enjoying our sex-life immensely and I make sure to tell her that. Every day that goes by, she feels more comfortable around me. All I want is for her to enjoy it as much as me, and for our sexual spark to never vanish.

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Uh, yes it is. Just because she's 27 and with multiple previous partners doesn't necessarily mean she is an expert on her own orgasms.

Personally I think she has been made to feel ashamed as a kid for masturbating, so now she is ashamed to reach orgasm in front of you via any other means than the one she knows (see what happened with the anus stimulation incident - she was really enjoying it but then she felt ashamed and made you stop). That's why she said she has never had so many orgasms with a man before - she actually feels more sexually comfortable with you than with any other guy. This is a good thing.

I think she should learn how to reach orgasm on her own without using a blanket or pillow or anything - just her fingers. She should break down those psychological barriers and start experimenting. Until she is comfortable with her own self, there's nothing you can do.

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Thanks. This message made me feel very good and more secure about myself. Thank you very much.

OP just give it time. If this is a new relationship it could take awhile for her to fully open up sexually with you. It took time for me with my bf and now we explore all the time and it keeps getting better and better. I really blossomed with him when we started living together and didnt have to worry about being heard or someone walking in anymore etc. I then asked him to try different types of orgasms and really wanted to try all sorts of new things.

Just be patient and have fun. You have all the time in the world. Dont compare her to others. I know my own body really well which is y i find it so easy to orgasm with my bf. Some women have a really hard time figuring out what works for them and its harder for you to figure it kut if she doesnt know. Just stick with what shes comfortable with for now and you could buy her a toy to explore with on her own.
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good luck :)