Started as a joke and ended as a drama (long)

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06-09-13, 05:24 PM
remorseful

Started as a joke and ended as a drama (long)

Have you ever started something as a joke, lost control of things and got drawn into your own joke?

Let me tell you my story...

A couple of months ago I got into forum very similar to this one (I won't mention the name here)... I am not a monster or even terribly ugly (at least I think I am not ugly...kind of overweight now but I wasn't always like that) but I have never been the kind of guy women look at when walking in the street... since I am 37 and I was having some self validation problem I thought it could be therapeutic and fun for me to create an invented character in that forum ... a rock star kind of character, the guy who has been there and done that... I really didn't expect it to work, but it did, people wanted to know more about that character and women gave me the attention I was probably seeking with that stunt, yes it was just in an online forum and everything was fake but for the time I was behind the computer (every day more and more) it was real for me. :upset:

So everything was fun, people liked me and listened to me... many of the things I wrote there were just lies but many of the things I wrote were real... they were the real me... and they liked that part too... I got totally addicted to that site and I expended the majority of the day posting over there (when possible with my work schedule).

One of the women that contacted me by PM really called my attention, she is different... I have never met anyone like her in my life and I am sure I will never meet anyone like her anymore, not only because she is beautiful but because she has the soul of an angel (kind, loving, caring, extrovert, daring... I could add a very long list of adjectives here)... At the beginning everything was just flirting and we would take sometimes even weeks between the times we contacted each other but little by little we got closer and as you probably are imagining the situation got out of hand... there I was in love with a woman who was in love with the character I had created... I wanted to tell her, I repeated to myself so many times how my next step had to be coming clean to her and set her free from that trap I had created for her without want it... I really wanted to stop the whole thing because I knew this story had one only possible end and it was not beautiful... I couldn't do it... I was selfish and the thought of losing her was more than what I could handle... I was weak.:upset:

We called, PMed and email each other for a bit more than a month and we really got very deep into our love story, yes even when you may not believe it I loved even when I knew that the end was there, I closed my eyes to the unavoidable crash ... I jut let my heart love her and she loved me back ...

I finally got the courage to come clean with her yesterday... :upset: She of course doesn't want to know anything from me anymore... (who would in this case? and who would blame her? ) ... and I have lost the most valuable thing I ever had (or better said..I never had..). The pain for her lost is undefinable... the vacuum that losing her has left in my life almost does not allow me to breath... I have not tears anymore... I have cried myself dry.

The worse pain of all is knowing that I hurt her beyond repairing, she didn't deserve this... how can we hurt those who we love the most?

Now I find myself thinking how this innocent joke ended up screwing up the life of an innocent and amazing woman and destroying my life knowing that the person that I love not only probably hates me but feel disgusted about me....

"I wanted to tell her everything at the beginning, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with her now instead of here. Maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there."

I am not looking for sympathy here... I know that what I have done is really bad... I just needed to share this with someone and I can't share it with anyone in my life...It is just so different of who I am...

Thank you for reading and commenting...I needed to get this out of my system.
06-09-13, 06:54 PM
r321148

I won't give you sympathy as you already know that what you did was wrong. I don't think that makes you a bad person as you clearly feel remorse for the way you treated her. I think you can take the positive out of this that you have learned a lesson and will not do this again. If that is the case then the experience has not been all bad.
I think your focus now has to be on yourself. You say you "aren't ugly" and I think that is good enough for most non-superficial women as long as you have a good personality (in my experience anyway). You say you created a character who had "been there and done it". Do you secretly wish you were this character? In that case why not try to make it happen. Pick up an interesting hobby, travel to interesting places, take up an instrument....do whatever you feel like you want to do for yourself and not to validate yourself to women. I think you may find that if you do this then when you start talking to women you will have lots of interesting stories without having to make them up and they will like you better for it. It will also improve your confidence.
Good luck and I hope you start to feel better
06-09-13, 07:04 PM
remorseful

Thank you... at this moment it is very difficult to see anything positive but I really think your advise is very valuable!
11-09-13, 05:40 PM
remorseful

Well...lots of things have happened since the last time I posted here. She kept sending me emails asking me why did I do that and hoping I was not just the kind of guy who does this just to hurt other people and have a laugh at it.
I could not resit myself and I answered her last email and I told her that if what she wanted was closure I would call her one last time and I would explain her the truth... and so I did.
She was hurt but she was very understanding and compassionate... she told me she still wanted me in her life as friends. I exposed myself to her, I told her who I really was and we have emailed and texted each other many times during the next 3 days.
But then I realize there was a new problem... while she was in love with a character who didn't exist and had moved on when she met the real me, I still love her.. the real her and moving on was not an option while talking with her in the way we were doing.
In addition to this she is a very sexual person and very open when her stories in the website where I met her and in another website we also used to post... so I had to read her plans of seeing other people, etc while I still love her... This destroyed me... I could not handle it and yesterday I have asked her to go no contact again... I love her and I can't be just her friend... Does that make sense to anyone? Have I been an horrible person for taking her kindness and compassion and reject it? I am so confused!
I hope now I will be able to work in myself... I have a lot of soul searching to do...but once again I have been selfish and hurt her again. She deserved better.
11-09-13, 05:43 PM
searock

Since you have feelings for her, you are doing the right thing by going no contact. Keeping in touch with her would only make you hurt more. Cut her out of your life, don't talk to her again.
11-09-13, 06:03 PM
remorseful

Quote:

Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Since you have feelings for her, you are doing the right thing by going no contact. Keeping in touch with her would only make you hurt more. Cut her out of your life, don't talk to her again.

Thank you! That was my impression too... It will take me time and pain to move on but talking with her everyday that would be impossible. I just hate I have hurt her again... in her last email she asked me how many times and from how many versions of me she would have to hear excuses when I part from her life.... that sentence is hounding me.... If she never hated me before ... now she probably does :(
11-09-13, 06:13 PM
searock

I don't think she cares that much, to be honest. Just tell her the truth, i.e. "I had a crush on you but I was too shy to tell you so I came up with this stupid idea of an alter-ego. I am sorry for lying to you, it was just because of my insecurities, I never meant to hurt you. I have feelings for you and you don't have feelings for me, which I understand and accept. For this reason, I think it's best if we don't keep in touch anymore, because it would hurt me too much. Thanks for understanding and again sorry for misleading you."
11-09-13, 06:39 PM
remorseful

Quote:

Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think she cares that much, to be honest. Just tell her the truth, i.e. "I had a crush on you but I was too shy to tell you so I came up with this stupid idea of an alter-ego. I am sorry for lying to you, it was just because of my insecurities, I never meant to hurt you. I have feelings for you and you don't have feelings for me, which I understand and accept. For this reason, I think it's best if we don't keep in touch anymore, because it would hurt me too much. Thanks for understanding and again sorry for misleading you."

She told me she cared about me and she has texted me continuously for the last three days (more than 40 texts per day)... I do think she cared about me (maybe as the only link to the character she got to love) but she cared... She of course was moving on much faster than I was as she got to realize that I was a totally different person than the character I created and that helped to move on (gave her closure).... I was the one who couldn't.
Thank you for your advise...it means a lot to me because I have literally no one I can talk about this with.
11-09-13, 06:48 PM
searock

I don't mean that she doesn't care at all, just that she doesn't "hate" you because she doesn't care *that* much. If she became emotionally invested with a guy she never even met in real life, that's her psychological issue to deal with and you have no part in it (other than misleading her of course).

Be what you haven't been during the whole thing with her: be honest and mature. Tell her what you told us and don't make a drama out of it, it's really no big deal. Just tell her you're sorry for misleading her and that since your feelings for her are not reciprocated it's best if you don't keep in touch anymore. Block her email/number/etc. No big deal.
11-09-13, 08:20 PM
remorseful

Well I guess it is a bigger deal for me that what you think it is. But obviously you are right in all the rest.

Thank you again.
11-09-13, 09:21 PM
searock

Clearly it is a big deal for you (or else you wouldn't have started this thread), but from an outside point of view, it really isn't. I'm sure it's not a big deal for her, either. If it is, as I said, she has issues of her own that you hold no responsibility for (only someone with psychological issues would develop "serious" feelings for a person they've never even met).

Cut off contact and take your time to heal but don't let this silly thing become your obsession. Move on.
11-09-13, 10:00 PM
remorseful

Well, the NC has already been put in place and though I miss contacting her I am working on myself and for one day I feel I will be able to move on.
I know that your messages imply that I have a psychological problem as I am the one who has developed serious feelings for a person I have never met (not physically at least). You don't know me from anything besides this message board and probably that is exactly the kind of vibe I am giving with this whole thread but this is really not me.. it is so out of character that I could not explain you. I know I don't need to defend myself so I won't do it, I just want to let you know that I am not usually a weak person, I am a person with a successful career and a good social life who has taken all the wrong decisions the last couple of months and who is working to become himself again.

Thank you very much for your messages, you have been of great support!
12-09-13, 12:25 AM
Ittybitty

I totally understand that you never meant to hurt anyone and things got way out of hand.You said that you invented this character but its not like you had a ghost writer.Everything you said even though you say some was a lie still came from you.
The fun interesting person that they saw was you.Do you understand what i mean?Dont sell yourself short.
Im very sorry that you found someone special that way.I really hope she will be able to see the real you and forgive you for causing her pain even though you never intended too.
You sound like a very intelligent,loving,well spoken person,theres no need for you to be someone else...:)
12-09-13, 01:11 AM
searock

Quote:

Originally Posted by remorseful [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know that your messages imply that I have a psychological problem as I am the one who has developed serious feelings for a person I have never met (not physically at least).

No - I actually meant her. You have met this girl in real life, haven't you? I mean, you see her at work pretty much every day. Yours is just a crush, it happens. I meant that if she developed feelings for your alter-ego (which she had obviously never met), then she is likely to have some sort of psychological issue, that you have no responsibility for.

I'm glad you're on your way to "recovery" from this infatuation :-).
12-09-13, 02:03 AM
pcmaster

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The thing is man if you would met her in real life it would be real sucky date cause you was much cooler online than real life. Anyway you are able to recreate this in real life after year when feelings comes down. The thing is you created this rockstar dude and he were excatly who you wanted to be in that moment. Because you gave him permision. And thats what love is - being exactly who you want to be in the moment. And you can recieve only so much love as you believe you deserve. Women are giving that much love as much you are taking.

You know some people go to nighclubs to have fun and its easy cause they allow themself to be free. But thing is its possible to give yourself permision anywhere - even outside in daylight. Your place were online. Once you learn to accept yourself just like you accepted that rockstar, life is gona be dream for you. Made your own story, its your life !

loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
12-09-13, 05:12 PM
remorseful

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ittybitty [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I totally understand that you never meant to hurt anyone and things got way out of hand.You said that you invented this character but its not like you had a ghost writer.Everything you said even though you say some was a lie still came from you.
The fun interesting person that they saw was you.Do you understand what i mean?Dont sell yourself short.
Im very sorry that you found someone special that way.I really hope she will be able to see the real you and forgive you for causing her pain even though you never intended too.
You sound like a very intelligent,loving,well spoken person,theres no need for you to be someone else...:)

Thank you lady... your words are very kind! The funny thing is that I never intended to be someone else...at least not at the beginning... the character that I created was not supposed to replace the real me (if that makes sense)... it was just supposed to be some kind of extra time in my life being other, I have always been a social and outgoing guy with a more or less happy life... I guess the last months some insecurities kicked in and I thought creating that character could be just fun and being someone else for some small time would be somehow therapeutic .... I never expected the consequences that came with it.
She has forgiven me, I know she has and that only makes me admire her and love her more for it... but she doesn't love me and I knew that would be like that from the beginning... I invented a game of love where I knew I could not win from the beginning :(
She actually was kind enough to offer me to be her friend (even after how I hurt her)... but I could not be just her friend... So after she was kind enough to tend me her hand with a friendship offer I had to reject her. (I feel like a cruel man now)

Quote:

Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No - I actually meant her. You have met this girl in real life, haven't you? I mean, you see her at work pretty much every day. Yours is just a crush, it happens. I meant that if she developed feelings for your alter-ego (which she had obviously never met), then she is likely to have some sort of psychological issue, that you have no responsibility for.

I'm glad you're on your way to "recovery" from this infatuation :-).

Yes I understand that you meant her but it is probably because you didn't understand that I have also not met her in real life either (she lives in Italy and I live in The Netherlands, we were totally random people in the internet when we met in that internet site).... everyday millions of people meet online and some of them get real love stories (LRD kind of love stories) with real feelings on them. You don't need to have psychological issues to love someone who you have not met in real life, it is actually very common. While I understand that you try to say that till you meet someone in real life you can't not know if those feelings are real, the feelings feel very real for those who speak, email and text with a person everyday, many times per hour and physical intimacy can be replaced (well not totally replaced but simulated if you want) with other kinds of intimacy (pictures, messages about sex and love, etc).

Thank you for your good wishes... Today is the first day of the rest of my life, I once had a happy life and I am working on getting back to that situation. I know I have to work on myself and understand better why did I ever search for external validation by being another person. I have booked some time with a Therapist and I hope he will be able to help me with that.

Again, thank you very much because you have been a good support when I needed it... it is funny how someone you don't know, a random person in the internet can be of so much help specially like in my case you don't have anyone to talk about this in real life (I of course have friends but this is so out of character they would be on shock if I would tell them) You were that person so thank you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The thing is man if you would met her in real life it would be real sucky date cause you was much cooler online than real life. Anyway you are able to recreate this in real life after year when feelings comes down. The thing is you created this rockstar dude and he were excatly who you wanted to be in that moment. Because you gave him permision. And thats what love is - being exactly who you want to be in the moment. And you can recieve only so much love as you believe you deserve. Women are giving that much love as much you are taking.

You know some people go to nighclubs to have fun and its easy cause they allow themself to be free. But thing is its possible to give yourself permision anywhere - even outside in daylight. Your place were online. Once you learn to accept yourself just like you accepted that rockstar, life is gona be dream for you. Made your own story, its your life !

loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I never intended to recreate the Rock Star character in real life in a date, I know that would have not worked... but I dreamed she would love the real me and she would be able to enjoy the real me. That is what happen when someone lives in a dream ... you always have to wake up and my waking up was extremely painful.

I get what you say... if you love yourself people will love you. I Know! Believe me I have no problems interacting with others or meeting new people and definitely not problems at all loving myself (I think I sometimes love myself too much! ;) ). That was not the problem... It all begun as a joke... a charade... and it devoured me and that is what I need to understand. Why did I get to that situation and how I allowed everything that came after to happen.

Thank you very much for the link to that post! It is really helpful and provide a totally different dimension to my issue. Sometimes we tend to think that our problems are unique and no one will understand you or be able to give you a good advise about that concrete situation...
12-09-13, 05:31 PM
searock

Quote:

Originally Posted by remorseful [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes I understand that you meant her but it is probably because you didn't understand that I have also not met her in real life either (she lives in Italy and I live in The Netherlands, we were totally random people in the internet when we met in that internet site)

Oops my bad, I had you confused with another poster (he confessed his feelings to a co-worker via the internet, but she doesn't reciprocate).

Quote:

everyday millions of people meet online and some of them get real love stories (LRD kind of love stories) with real feelings on them. You don't need to have psychological issues to love someone who you have not met in real life, it is actually very common.

I know that it's very common, we get threads like this every day. This doesn't mean it's a healthy thing to do IMO... I mean, you cannot really love a person that you've never met in real life. You can become friends of course, but love... you need to see them, smell them, feel them, in order to do that.

Quote:

Thank you for your good wishes... Today is the first day of the rest of my life, I once had a happy life and I am working on getting back to that situation. I know I have to work on myself and understand better why did I ever search for external validation by being another person. I have booked some time with a Therapist and I hope he will be able to help me with that.

I'm really happy for you. You are on the right track :-). Good luck!
16-09-13, 06:37 PM
remorseful

Again a new update... She contacted me asking me some things we had pending and finally after some new difficulties... we decide to give a try to be friends but lowering amount of contact and the level of intimacy of that contact... I still don't know how this will end up but even when the contact is there I still feel I can move on and I am moving on.
Lately I had focused too much into my work and now I am trying to give a step back and focus in my social life, I have made various appointments with friends and colleagues to do fun things (concerts, dinners, watch a football match, cinema and going out, etc)... I think seeing that she has moved on so fast has also helped me to move on... I am a very proud person (maybe not a good trait to have but here it has helped me) and I don't like to think of myself like the weak loser who was not able to move on.
I have had a good weekend, I have enjoy the company of the people who love me and I am continuing working on bettering myself...