Why am I so unpopular with the ladies?

I have always been very unpopular with the ladies.

And all throughout elementary, middle and high school the ladies have been ignoring and avoiding me and also in these days I get the feeling that I'm not very much liked by the ladies.

Also all throughout my school years (elementary, middle and high school) I was being abused (and by abused I mean bullied) by the males and I always felt kind of lonely and socially isolated throughout my school years. It's like I couldn't connect very well to the other males in my school.

What I want to know is: Why am I so unpopular with the ladies while other men are so popular and are always surrounded by ladies?

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Originally Posted by uri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What I want to know is: Why am I so unpopular with the ladies while other men are so popular and are always surrounded by ladies?

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You're asking a question that's impossible for us to answer. Why not ask people that actually know you - friends, relatives, parents?

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Originally Posted by uri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have always been very unpopular with the ladies.

And all throughout elementary, middle and high school the ladies have been ignoring and avoiding me and also in these days I get the feeling that I'm not very much liked by the ladies.

Also all throughout my school years (elementary, middle and high school) I was being abused (and by abused I mean bullied) by the males and I always felt kind of lonely and socially isolated throughout my school years. It's like I couldn't connect very well to the other males in my school.

What I want to know is: Why am I so unpopular with the ladies while other men are so popular and are always surrounded by ladies?

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It's not that they are avoiding you or don't like you, but you seem very closed off and not approachable.
Just talk to them like any other of your friends and about things that might interest them.
I learned it by myself that when you are confident about what your talking about and don't let negativity from others bring you down, because you know yourself better than anyone else.
Stay optimistic, have goals in mind and let woman find you, by not trying as hard, but visiting various social events and start light hearted conversations about what is going in with your school stuff, weather, anything in the news, certain activities you've been meaning to try, what current hobbies you have a passion for ... keep yourself as busy as possible.
Don't over analyze the situation, and read her body language and back away, if it's not what she wants, and she'll respect that.
Don't be afraid to take risks, and try new things, read books, watch documentaries, just do things that will make your conversations more interesting.
P.S. I know how it feels, I barely had any interaction with women throughout high school and it wasn't until I started dancing that my confidence started to grow by even approaching them.
Still had to work on what to say, but the more you try it, the better you get.

How old are you? I went through a lot of this too, so I know just how you feel. Early on in school, I was always either bullied, or just 100% isolated and ignored. I was shy enough as it is, so that sure as Hell didn't help make me any less shy. By the time I made it to high school, I was DONE with all that. I was one angry mother F-word. I never necessarily intended this, but people were scared to death of me. So, I probably didn't do myself any favors there.

I know this just sounds like a line, and doesn't seem very helpful, but it really is something you need to find in yourself. I will say this, there will always be A-Holes in every walk of life you encounter. However, once you hit college, and especially beyond, people start to grow up a little. Granted, college (especially the dorm life style of college) can almost be like High School 2: The Sequel. But, a lot of people start to realize they need to grow up in college. My college experience saw me slowly start to become a little less angry, and the vast majority of people were good people. They were fairly cool.

That will help big time. When you are of grade school age, lets face it, almost everybody is a complete a-hole. So, shy people like us pretty much don't stand a chance of much of a normal social life. But, that does change. Take it from me.

The best thing you can do is to try to pursue activities you enjoy. Other people will be likely to enjoy them as well, and you will meet people there. Even if they are just male friends, that will help you gain some confidence. Again, I know this sounds like BS, but once you start to gain a little confidence, it gets a little easier to gain more for other things. Take it from me. I've lived through it.

If you are as shy as I am, then my MOST IMPORTANT piece of advice would be this....


Unfortunately, it is never really going to change. Guys like us, we are always going to be crazy shy. What CAN change is that you can slowly stop letting it control you. Throw yourself out there and try. Also, remember that if you try and are rejected, either just by peers in general, or by romantic interests, then you know something.... That is their loss. Just move on and try again.

Good luck! I think a lot of us, myself included, definitely know how you feel.

I'm sorry that you were bullied. that's awful & no one should have to go through that.

You can't really measure your current life based on elementary & middle school.

High school is a time when people start to come into themselves but it's the beginning of the process, not the end.

Popularity alone is not a good indicator of whether you are a quality indicator. Women do tend to be attractive to men who are interesting & confident. You don't have to be interesting to everyone, just that special girl who you like. You also don't have to be confident in everything but you should at least be comfortable in your own skin. If you were bullied, that probably shook your confidence & you may need some help building it back up. But once you do, things will get better.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like your beta while being picked on by alphas. Nothing wrong with being beta, but it's a bit harder to get in with the females. Like someone else said, ask people who actually know you. Without having spent any time with you, I can't give you a proper idea of why women aren't interested.

You have my sympathies, i had similar experiences at school that left a mark on me. confidence and self-esteem are an uphill struggle, the trick is to not let it control you, as I try to tell myself. I wish you luck, a lot of the advice above is very useful and worth listening to.

Without knowing you I can't really give you an answer...but you know what the saying is, is that the girls never go for the "good" guys. Maybe you're a good guy, but it all comes down if someone is attracted to you or not, not gonna beat around the bush with that one.

Stop thinking of them as "the ladies" - that's your problem. For every weird anti-social awkward guy, there is a similar woman.

Who knows, maybe most women will always see you as unapproachable. You can try to change yourself to reverse that, or you can accept who you are and figure out what kind of girl you have something in common with.

You think you can't do it because you were bullied in school? Let me tell you, women are 10x worse at bullying each other than men.

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Originally Posted by FAndrews [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You have my sympathies, i had similar experiences at school that left a mark on me. confidence and self-esteem are an uphill struggle, the trick is to not let it control you, as I try to tell myself. I wish you luck, a lot of the advice above is very useful and worth listening to.

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Really sounds like uri, FAndrews, and I are like brothers from another mother. LOL! FAndrews, you and I seem to have a lot in common. If we lived nearby, we should totally be each other's "wingman." LOL! Maybe two shy guys working together could help each other stop being quite so shy.

Anyways, again, I want to reiterate that the most important thing shy guys like us can learn is not what so many people try to tell us.... "Just don't be so shy." ... Yeah. Like that helps. LOL! It isn't that easy, and the fact is we will ALWAYS be extremely shy. The best advice for us shy guys is to learn how to blast past it anyway. We can't wait around hoping some day we won't be so shy anymore. We have to accept that we are shy and start to take the steps to be able to get around that, and not let it hold us back.

It is a life-long struggle. I am still getting over it in large degree myself. I am a lot less shy now through my efforts, but I still never really learned how to talk to/date women. Now that my horrible mistake of a relationship is over, I am just about ready to finally push through that hurdle too. ...I guess "jump over" that hurdle would be the more appropriate phrase, but I more so like the idea of pushing through the hurdle. LOL! It is clunky and you may stumble a lot, but eventually you'll get around it if you just stick to it. Sounds a lot more accurate for us shy guys.

I'm probably just too ugly and poor to get affection from pretty ladies. I don't even know how to start a sentence without sounding like a loser.

I've probably never going to have a girlfriend because I'm too ugly, too poor and too cowardly.

I have not much to offer to a beautiful lady so why even bother?

My friend, I know how you feel. But, that is exactly the kind of thinking you have to put behind you. I always used to feel the same way. As hard as it may seem, you have to leave that kind of thinking in the back of your mind, and don't let it control you. I'm not going to tell you NOT to think that. That isn't helpful advice to give to guys like us. We can't help but think like that. I'm going to tell you what truly helps, which is to learn that, even if you think that, others probably do not.

I would be willing to bet you are being too hard on yourself. But, by giving in to this kind of thinking, you aren't giving somebody a chance to prove you wrong. So, put those thoughts at the back of your mind, and just do your best to get out there anyway. You may get rejected (everybody does at some point) but just no that this is really no reflection on you. I mean, even good looking dudes get rejected. If a girl rejects you, quite frankly maybe she wasn't the right person for you anyway.

Good luck, friendly friend. In the meantime, maybe try to explore some hobbies. You will be surprised at how much making friends helps. If you put aside worrying about love for a while and just make friends with people, they will help you to feel a little better about yourself, even if they don't know they are doing it. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I have been where you are. It really does help. Not saying it will ever be easy. She guys like us will always battle with it. But, it can get better if you work at it. ;-)

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My friend, I know how you feel. But, that is exactly the kind of thinking you have to put behind you. I always used to feel the same way. As hard as it may seem, you have to leave that kind of thinking in the back of your mind, and don't let it control you. I'm not going to tell you NOT to think that. That isn't helpful advice to give to guys like us. We can't help but think like that. I'm going to tell you what truly helps, which is to learn that, even if you think that, others probably do not.

I would be willing to bet you are being too hard on yourself. But, by giving in to this kind of thinking, you aren't giving somebody a chance to prove you wrong. So, put those thoughts at the back of your mind, and just do your best to get out there anyway. You may get rejected (everybody does at some point) but just no that this is really no reflection on you. I mean, even good looking dudes get rejected. If a girl rejects you, quite frankly maybe she wasn't the right person for you anyway.

Good luck, friendly friend. In the meantime, maybe try to explore some hobbies. You will be surprised at how much making friends helps. If you put aside worrying about love for a while and just make friends with people, they will help you to feel a little better about yourself, even if they don't know they are doing it. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I have been where you are. It really does help. Not saying it will ever be easy. She guys like us will always battle with it. But, it can get better if you work at it. ;-)

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Thank you for the kind advice TheEvilJester.

But no being able to get a girlfriend is not the problem. There are many men in the world who never had a girlfriend (and probably never will).

It is just the social stigma which comes with never having had a girlfriend. People tend to think that you are gay if you never had a girlfriend by the time you are 30.

The problem is that many people just cannot conceive that some people just were not designed by nature to be appealing to the opposite sex.

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Originally Posted by uri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm probably just too ugly and poor to get affection from pretty ladies. I don't even know how to start a sentence without sounding like a loser.

I've probably never going to have a girlfriend because I'm too ugly, too poor and too cowardly.

I have not much to offer to a beautiful lady so why even bother?

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You have self esteem issues. There is a lid for every pot. The whole world is not made up of super models.

If you are poor and unhappy about that do something to change your economic situation.

If you are shy work on building your confidence. There is a great group called ToastMasters which helps people.

You are correct that if you go around saying I'm an ugly loser, you probably will not get a girlfriend. If you can stop that & have a brighter outlook, it will help your quest.

lol yeah EvilJester i've been after a 'wingman' myself for ages, and yeah positive thinking is very important, once you get confidence and self-esteem in other areas it rubs off to all parts of your life. negative thinking never gets you anywhere, except into a worse state; trust me i have the same problems and issues and trying to fight them, don't let them control you.

I believe a man must truly find himself and what he's interested in/wants out of life as well as take care of himself and respect/love himself before he can do those things to another. A girl may see that you haven't done this yet and thats what deters them.

A few comments. For one alphas don't pick on Betas, Betas pick on other betas but all that is stupid bs that has become popular because of pick up artist crap. Men who are secure don't put other people down unless that person gets out of line and starts being disrespectful.
Also, woman do not just go for looks and money. They are actually more complex when in comes to their attraction to men. So yr lack on interest is not a life sentence

Uri, my friend, if not having a girlfriend doesn't bother you, then why let other people bug you about it? Do you not actually want a girlfriend, or do you just not think you can get one? If you would like a girlfriend, then you should really go for it. I mean, granted that isn't easy for guys like us, but it is the only way we will ever get over it. Start by making guy friends. Just having some friends honestly helps a great deal. It helps you prove to yourself that people actually do like you.... so maybe female people will as well. LOL!

When it comes right down to it, who gives a crap what people think. An individual person is often just fine... but fact of the matter is "people" suck in general. LOL! In the immortal words of Dr. Cox, people are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. LOL! So, if people think you are gay, let them. Who cares? Heck... if you are gay, that is fine too. If you are straight, that is fine. Even if you are asexual, there really is nothing wrong with that. Be true to who you are. Again, I know that sounds like a line. But, I've been through this stuff too. It really is true.

FAndrews...

Definitely good advice, bro. Guys like us, the negative thoughts about ourselves are a little hard to battle. We will probably never stop thinking them. So, it isn't good advice to tell guys like us to stop thinking like that. Or to tell guys like us "If you can't love yourself, nobody else will be able to love you." To guys like us, you might as well be saying "Nobody will ever love you." The REAL advice should be not to let your negative thinking control you. We may not think very highly of ourselves, but we need to just leave that in the back of our heads and give people a chance to prove to us that THEY do think much more positive things about us. That has really worked for me. No matter how lowly I think of myself, when I have a lot of people telling me how good of a guy I am, it is hard not to realize that maybe others really do think more highly of me than I do of myself.

Evil Jester, that's great advice.
We have to love ourselves before loving someone else.
They might have it easy, but they believe in themselves and you might think that those guys are jerks, but in reality that is who they are, and act confidently about it and don't let others tell them how to act.
I personally don't go to an extreme to just hit up every woman, but if a situation arises and it seems like a time to talk, then I'll say something and sometimes I miss an opportunity, because either I am not in the mood or just in a hurry.
Ugly people to you, can still get a girl, if it doesn't effect them inside.
Most of us have a mask on to cover up inner emotions, and to an extent, we treat each other like shit before even getting to know each other and society has been fascinated with how a person looks and the modelling industry is the worst on making woman look unnatural and rubs off on the young generation.

Definitely agree with the above post.

Kromat,

Definitely agreed. Quite frankly, we all wear masks. Not literal masks (you know, unless you happen to be a Mexican Wrestler, or member of the band SlipKnot. LOL), but we all put on a bit of a "show" so to speak, as to who we are amongst people we don't know well. (Side note: Funny enough, being as today is Halloween, I actually have a mask with me today. Not wearing it at this very moment, but I have it here. LOL) A great exercise is to learn to take this mask off more and more... or at the very least get it a little closer to who you really are. You know, like wearing a mask of yourself. LOL!

Though, I must clarify one thing. You got one piece of my advice a little backwards. I said that you DON'T necessarily have to love yourself in order to love others, or for others to love you. You just need to at least be able not to let your bad feelings for yourself control how you act or interact with people. In other words, you have to put that negative thinking in the back of your mind and give people a chance to prove you wrong about yourself.

This is a very important point I want to get across, because I have gone through this myself. For guys with very low self-esteem, telling us that we "have to love ourselves in order for anybody else to ever love us" might as well be translated to "Nobody will ever love you." That isn't helpful advice because, when you have such a low self-esteem, it is too hard, nearly impossible even, to love yourself. Not to mention, feeling like nobody loves you is often part of the problem in the first place. So, the real attitude to have is that, if you do not think very highly of yourself, you need to make the extra effort to put that in the back of your mind and push on anyway. Once you do, you will make some friends, maybe even get some dates, and you will be able to feel a little better about yourself. You will know that, even if you don't think very much of yourself, at least there are a few people in this world who disagree with you.

In that way, for guys like us, having people who love you will actually help you to love yourself more. Not the other way around.

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Originally Posted by uri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm probably just too ugly and poor to get affection from pretty ladies. I don't even know how to start a sentence without sounding like a loser.

I've probably never going to have a girlfriend because I'm too ugly, too poor and too cowardly.

I have not much to offer to a beautiful lady so why even bother?

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In all honesty, the way you describe yourself makes you come off as some kind of professional victim. I understand that you're venting here, but if you harbor a more positive outlook on things and build up some confidence, you might lead yourself to the real problem. Tough love, man.

Uri, girls want guys as much as guys want girls. I was the same as you throughout school and early life, I even got married to a girl who turned out to be a lying, cheating, whore (really, she sold it!) and I was willing to forgive her - thats how much of a looser I was! Then I found out a lot about myself and girls. For example girls don't care about looks, they are only influenced by how much they perceive you will be able to look after and protect them. I am a 47 year old, slightly overweight, balding guy of no more than 5 foot 5 in height with average income, but last weekend I slept with three different girls (all of whom know I am having multiple relationships) who are 26, 28 and 30 years old. They all had a good time, I had a good time and no-one was hurt and we all love each other dearly and are the best of friends. You need to stop revering women as some sort of special goddess type creatures, they are just ordinary people who are as much driven by sex as men are, they just have a different take on it and generally dont understand life as much as we dont.

If you want to have more female friends, then start out by getting more female friends. Dont try to find a girlfriend at first, that puts undue pressure on your connection from the get go. Just get involved with some local activity groups and meet people who share the same passions as you, be it walking, photography, computers, whatever. Make friends with guys and girls and intend to keep them as just friends. Even if you meet a girl you start to fancy and who you think might fancy you, be resolute that you can't do anything about it for a few weeks, not even think about it. Your mission is to add a few friends to your roster, just people who you get on with. There are plenty of people out there just like you and me, in fact in the average meetup.com group you will find most of the people are just normal, ordinary people.

Good luck with that, feel free to pop back and let us know how you get on, even with specific details of interactions with other people.

A lot of it is self esteem. If you think you are pathetic and not worthy of a girls attention, then you project that, and that is what the ladies will think. I'm not saying be some stuck-up jerk, but some self-confidence will go a long way.

I hate to keep saying it, but dancing lessons builds your self esteem around women because you need have contact with them, as you need to switch from one girl to another.
Once you put in enough effort to improve and get the compliments, we'll feel so much better about yourself, I know I do whenever it happens to me :D
Make a variety of friends that will set you in a positive mood and get rid of people that just hinder your progress as an individual.
I try to stay in shape, but I am not going to change myself for someone else, I have to change myself on my own and they have to accept the person that I am and if someone doesn't like me, big deal, I'll search until someone does.
I know girls like my personality, but I know it isn't right for a relationship for me right now, as I have things to work on myself and further my career, so mainly friends and hobbies will do for now.
You need to be in the right mindset and know what path you want to take before making decisions to settle down with someone.

Some good advice coming at you here, and I have to fully agree. Especially with the latest couple of posts above me. I am highly in agreement with the sentiment that it is good to start off first by making friends. Both male and female, just start to get involved in some hobbies and stuff that you like where it is likely there will be other like-minded people there to have fun as well. You will meet new people, make friends, and have fun. All the while, without the pressure of thinking of it as an excuse to find women, you will be able to just relax and be yourself.

Take it from a guy who has been through it. That actually does really help. When you can set aside and ignore all your negative thoughts about yourself and just have fun with people, you will see that some people actually do enjoy your company. That really goes a long way in helping to build your confidence. I've said this before many times, and I am sure I will say it many times again.... I know that sounds like just something people say, but I am living, breathing proof that it is true. (Well, the breathing part is debatable considering this darn cold I can't fully shake. Mostly gone at this point, but still just hanging in there.) I have always, my whole life, been extremely shy. I've have also always had little or no self-esteem. I've been through it, and I have slowly improved little by little. For guys like us, it will always be a daily struggle, but there are things that can help, as many of the folks here have shared.

You need to focus on the things that are going well in your life rather than the negatives because they will drag you down (believe me from personal experience they will) ; and if you focus on the positives they will give you confidence and begin seeping into the other parts of your life. this method seems to be working for me at the moment.

Be confident and dont think about finding someone so bad, just relax, good luck

One thing that works for me, when I actually go out to meet people and find that I can't get into the swing of it, is that I speak to the staff. The waiters, waitresses, door staff, reception, wherever I happen to be, I open a good chat with the staff. In the sort of places I go they are duty bound to be friendly, so it is impossible to get rejected and I push it to see how personal I can get with them. Its like a little game I play with myself - they jus think Im being friendly. Having just one or two conversations with strangers, gives me a confidence boos like you would not believe and I can then tackle strangers where there is a risk of rejection - you know, like actual girls :)

My suggestion is to start working out in the gym if you don't already. Lifting weights can do a lot for your confidence, your overall well-being, your appeal to women, and your ability to come across as more masculine and assertive to men. Like all worthwhile things it requires some work and stick-to-it-ness but I think it could have a beneficial effect on your life.

So many girls are vain nowadays.

What I mean is that if you are ugly and poor many girls would not even give you a chance.

Modesty is an nice quality in a woman and I think it is one that should be appreciated.

Also according to the bible, vanity is one of the 7 deadly sins because it can actually kill.

So many people are vain these days. Men and women both. But beauty if very relative. Somebody one person finds ugly, to another person may be the most attractive person they have ever seen. Then, there are people who are more attracted to somebody for who they are, and not how they look. The type of person who couldn't care much less how you look, they wind up finding good people more attractive. Sure, they are few and far between these days, but they are out there.

On the subject of not giving a poor guy a chance..... Is it truly wrong to want a man who has a half decent education, a bit of ambition and good work ethic? Because this is the main requirement of not being 'poor'. Or perhaps he's got all of the above but has extremely poor money management skills. Again, not a quality I'd want in a guy.

I've never been one to seek a wealthy partner, but I sure wouldn't bother with a guy who wasn't appropriately financially secure for his age. Even when I was in my early 20's, I knew how to work and save and wouldn't date a guy who lived hand to mouth.

Yes, it's unfortunate for those guys who are born into a low socio economic environment and have had poor role modelling - but that's just how life is.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So many people are vain these days. Men and women both. But beauty if very relative. Somebody one person finds ugly, to another person may be the most attractive person they have ever seen. Then, there are people who are more attracted to somebody for who they are, and not how they look. The type of person who couldn't care much less how you look, they wind up finding good people more attractive. Sure, they are few and far between these days, but they are out there.

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Beauty is not relative. There are certain standards of beauty which all people can agree on. Some people will be just considered undesirable to all people. Also some people are not very liked by society in which they live in and I realize that.

Also if beauty was so relative as many people say then I would have found a girlfriend by now but the fact is I'm already 28 years old and it just isn't happening.

You need some inside beauty first. What is your dreams? What are you doing to achieve them?

When you have these things in place you will have some inner confidence and respect for yourself. It will infect other people too with the same. When you believe in yourself you are forcing others to believe in you.

Knew this girl. She was all nice and pretty but she didnt had much money and no outher confidence. She attracted guys like a magnet cause she didnt walk like queen but just was nice and humble, very friendly. She made the right choices in life, avoided negative people and was able to be very beautiful and afectionate when she wanted to.

I would say your problem may not be that you are not popular with the ladies but maybe you need to focus on one? I know there are guys out there that can get any girl they want but for someone like me, you need to think about what you want, what you have to give and understand that one girl could change your life but all of them could ruin you haha.

Seriously though it's one day at a time. And since you are not a magnet you gotta work those talking skills of yours. I was never girlfriendless my whole life because no matter how scrawny I am I will always talk to everyone and I manage to make them smile.

Point being the more you focus on it the less successful you are going to be. Focus on you and everything will build around you!

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Originally Posted by RyanJames [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am a 47 year old guy, but last weekend I slept with three different girls who are 26, 28 and 30 years old.

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Yuck. Not the age differnece per se, but the fact that you are boasting about them being younger.

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Originally Posted by uri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Also according to the bible, vanity is one of the 7 deadly sins because it can actually kill.

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This religious nonsense is probably part of the reason why people don't like you...

Main reason being your lack of self-esteem and pessimistic, depressing outlook on life.

Focus on yourself. Make yourself happy. You don't need anyone else.